Maddie (derogatory)
@pbAstronaut
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Listen to my new podcast where I fight a bear.
United Kingdom
Joined March 2013
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Pinned Tweet
[guy logging on twitter in fucking clown makeup looking for a custard pie fight] Ah I see you refuse to counter my position and have resorted to an undignified ad hominem. This is why the left is losing. *honks nose, bowtie spins*
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@carolinepennock
Rowling's real importance lies in the fact she was the first writer to use the English language. Everyone before her wrote in Latin. Please don't google this.
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@Ilana_Stern
@elonmusk
@DaveChapelle
@chrisrock
He's gonna spend the whole day trying to find out if you can fire a crowd of people.
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@kendallbaker
What if you're a student? What if you have a long holiday? What if you move frequently for work? What if there's nothing good on Netflix's garbage service and you're watching something better on another service for a month?
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@Rick_Turner
We can't have it in the UK because if we allow anything to ever get even a tiny bit better people might expect other things to sometimes improve too.
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@Timcast
Abortions at 8 months only happen in extremely rare cases where the baby's going to become a podcaster.
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@TLDRNewsUK
There you have it. Tories hate trans people more than they love the union. Not surprised.
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@stopthenadness
Pretty weird how badly he wanted his name to appear in the local papers next to the phrase "multiple stab wounds", but who am I to kinkshame.
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@primalignity
Really love how these weirdos will claim to be the descendents of the noblest of Greek kings and then freak out the second someone with a Mediterranean complexion moves into their street.
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@Independent
I didn't expect to see the press pivot to trying to make Corbyn look cool, but it's a nice change of pace.
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@ChloeTeboe
@newscentermaine
HEARTWARMING! When these orphans were turfed into the street so their home could be made into a luxury coke den, a kindly bejeweled tycoon put them to work in his unregulated salt mine! More at 10.
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@LilySimpson1312
[a small child reading a book about magic and whimsy in 1997] Wow I love all the spells and the funny wizard names. I sure hope there's a story arc about the bombing of Dresden.
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@THISisLULE
There's a real sickness in the British psyche where we, as a people, long for suffering. I don't know how you fix a nation's soul.
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@lackingsaint
If 2% of my wealth had even the remotest chance of solving world hunger I'd like to think I'd at least give it a try.
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@i24NEWS_EN
It's like they're just working through Geneva Convention article violations one at a time to make sure they don't miss any.
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@JimMFelton
They couldn't have possibly worded this in a way to make it sound more like the Queen is dead.
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@romalanee
I'm reasonably sure there actually *was* a huge debate, for many decades before I was born and through to my childhood, about whether we should let the gays be on TV. We decided it was fine in the end.
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I hope I'm not blowing too many people's minds here, but it being "dangerously hot" in the UK and "basically unfit for human life" in Basra is what climate scientists refer to as "the same fucking problem".
Watching the UK have a literal meltdown because it’s hitting 38 degrees is bizarre. Try Basra in August in a hijab when it hits 50 degrees &there isn’t power. Or Beirut with humidity&no power: my nightly routine is getting into a cold shower fully clothed then going to bed soaked
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@johnroderick
Haha yeah man. I remember when my daughter, 7, said she wanted to go to the park so I set up an elaborate escape room for her to solve. It took twelve days for her to chew through the lock, and I couldn't be prouder.
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@jasonmustian
This person's gonna have a real hard time cooking when they learn about knives.
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@jkass99
Christian rock music's great because it contains all the aesthetics of guys trying to get laid and all the lyrical content of guys who will burst into tears if it ever happened to them.
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@steinkobbe
Pretty much everyone is "possibly transgender". The realm of possibility is huge.
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@pixelatedboat
It's just about giving everyone, whether you're a celebrity or just some guy with $84,the exact same opportunity to claim to be the actor William Shatner.
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@biggestjoel
The nazis famously hated being compared to past European empires. Just downright hated it. "Why commit ourselves to an elaborate national myth?" they would say.
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@shahh
@TheRedApeFamily
You guys are gonna lose your minds when you see what this Weebl guy's been achieving in Flash.
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@RishiSunak
Yes, it's a bit worrying when the chancellor doesn't know the difference between a discount and a loan, but then I have to remind myself you got the job because of your exceptional black-hearted malice and not because of silly things like financial literacy.
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@PlanetofFinks
Didn't he turn up after and was like "lol you don't really care how I did it Watson," and Watson's like "yeah, only a complete tool would care how the series cliffhanger resolved. Only the worst kind of person alive. I hope anyone who cared dies and never comes back"?
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@NewStatesman
The ambulances will be able to get places faster because there'll be fewer cars in the way. Problem solved. You can go back to eating paint now.
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Do you think when a Ghostbuster dies it's like when a cop gets sent to prison?
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@nypost
Yes, I think hammering a handful of loose electronics into someone's skull will make them exactly as smart as Elon Musk.
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@Ruairi_Casey
Sorry, Modern Germans, I don't think Hamas are the descendents of 1940s Germans. But you know who I think might be?
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@visegrad24
@MarinSanna
Tragic. My heart goes out to the people of Finland, who deserve a PM who saves her partying for private cocaine-fuelled orgies and snuff-film viewings with bankers and CEOs, like any dignified premier.
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@kittynouveau
Sounds like a great way to teach your kid to stop cleaning up after himself the second he leaves home because no-one's paying him to do it.
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@JimMFelton
Could the Sun boycot social media for a bit longer? And also print media, and all digital media? You know, because of racism. A hundred years should be enough.
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@judeinlondon2
@quendergeer
Liz Truss is going to make an absolutely unbelievable answer in future pub quizzes.
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@steinkobbe
I know the DMV is the go-to joke for comedians from the 80s to complain about queues, but don't they actually, you know, get the work done?
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@MattWalshDW
@keewa
Nice try, parody account, but you can't convince me Matt Walsh is attracted to adults.
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@Reuters
I love how the even the most generous interpretation of this is that the justice department is entirely incapable of guaranteeing the safety of even its most high-profile prisoners and is manned entirely by complete morons.
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@Liv_Agar
Trad accounts will be like "I hit my baby with a hammer" and then draw the baby with huge muscles. Then they'll continue not having sex for another twenty years.
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@KirstieMAllsopp
@EmmaKennedy
I love when you tweet about housing because it's always a perfect remedy for imposter syndrome. That a large percentage of homeowners are landlords is not evidence that landlords are essential. It's evidence that landlords have made being a homeowner impossible for many.
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@VICE
For a mere $20,000 I will send you a link to a drawing of me bringing this criminal to justice.
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@juliaioffe
@DeadlineWH
@McFaul
If I was allergic to peanuts I probably wouldn't have a bigger peanut budget than everyone else on the planet put together or spend the last twenty years continously eating peanuts in multiple countries while people urging me to stop are demonised as peanut-sympathisers.
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@RhetoricalHype
Hard to imagine the writer who names every non-British character "Racialslur Nationalfood" has some troubling noble savage ideas.
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@JimMFelton
I see conservatives are now looking at how eight-year-olds are dressed to judge if they're "asking for it". Interesting.
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@maybemayoo
Personally I think it's bullshit that I was a hot twink for fifteen years and this only apparnely became hot when I gave up and got tits.
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@Cate__Johnson
@pixelatedboat
This guy's amazing. He calls himself a data scientist and every other tweet is like "here's a Google analytics chart that shows the word 'freedom' is used less. This means China owns your blood."
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@RoseSchmits
"We can't just start treating everyone who gets murdered with basic dignity. Otherwise everyone will be trying to get murdered."
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871
@paigehulsey
@KMOV
"Looks like a normal teen's bedroom, right?" Yeah, if my teen was an actor in an anti-drug PSA in 1991, sure.
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@HodgesBoots
@JeanHatchet
Ah yes, the award, honour, title and achievement of being murdered in cold blood.
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@JimMFelton
"Has infamous war criminal Meghan Markle compromised British integrity by wearing the evil Saudis' blood jewelry? More on this after our main story: should the British government sell more bombs to the wonderful Saudis to kill evil Yemeni children with? Our experts say yes."
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@BierStarmer
Smart reminder to mark your taliban training payments as "brunch" or "sex island fees" to evade suspicion.
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@Western_Trad
I'll never understand why people like you feel the need to totally imagine the goals of the left all the time, like, "the left want kids to have tape recorders in their skulls so they can sell SpongeBob bootlegs to Korea for heroin to give to your grandpa!"
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@joelgolby
@AbiWilks
I'm offering my friendship to landlords in exchange for a third of their monthly income. Only includes friendship though – if you need help moving it's not my responsibility. No pets.
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@Hbomberguy
End of Ready Player One:
"Finally, I've won. I've memorised all the 80s pop culture there is. I'm undefeatable!"
"No, this is only the beginning. There's a whole world out there waiting for you."
*reveals mountain of 90s pop culture*
Title reveal: READY PLAYER TWO
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@beninbebe
@Telegraph
You've never participated in or watched a marathon in your life, have you?
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@jordanbpeterson
"It's not a cost of living crisis. It's a..."
*rolls dice*
"...woke..."
*spins wheel*
"...postmodernist..."
*draws card*
"...marxist policy failure."
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@BenKentish
It's amazing how little it takes for these losers to completely break. They've spent twelve years intentionally making life hell for millions of people, but suddenly it's all too much to bear because of a little infighting.
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@DrWallkick
I like to think of just how many hundreds of people producing this all saw Benedict Cumberbatch do an Elvis pose to show his character's 230 IQ and at no point did a single one of them say "hold on, this is fucking ridiculous."
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@Andrew_Adonis
Getting rid of Johnson doesn't work the same way as beating Jumanji where everything bad that happened over the last six years gets sucked back into the game, Andrew.
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@JimMFelton
I'm gonna use this as a defence for all kinds of crimes. Sure, I can be a bit overly-steal-your-car -- indeed thievey -- but I don't think this is one for the police.
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@shaun_vids
"They called me all kinds of horrible things!" Well gee, as someone who went to primary school I can only imagine how hard that must've been for you.
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@Liv_Agar
Very thoughtful of clothing companies to make clothes for women that thin even though science says they'd all be dead.
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@RoxyTall
@steinkobbe
Guy who has only seen one Chinese guy in a suit, seeing his second guy: Getting a lot of 'Mao Zedong' vibes from this...
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@thelincolnite
"So what are you going to do about potholes?"
"Well, first of all, penises. Furthermore,"
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@coopercooperco
Had to look this shit up. Apparently it's people pretending their "dream realities" are in some way meaningfully real and not just shit they imagined or wished for.
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@badgirIkiki
Sure, it looks like trash now. But consider how absolutely awful it's going to look after a couple of years of weathering.
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@StopTweetingMia
"This is unfair because you decieved me. In real life I can always tell so long as someone correctly let's me know in advance whether or not someone trans, with flawless accuracy. I can only not tell when I don't know."
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@L_QKing_
@JimMFelton
I know this isn't the point, but I'm a little floored at the word they chose to censor here and the word they chose to leave in full display.
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@Miss_Snuffy
I don't mean to criticise but maybe there's something wrong with our schools when learning compliance with arbitrary rules to turn kids into uncomplaining machines is considered more valuable than learning the difference between two books.
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@PresidentToguro
Like the old saying goes, once you've lost the pickle rick tattoo guys there's no coming back.
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@cymrurouge
@ewangibbs
Can't start paying jobs based on how hard a job is. It starts with this and next thing you know being a tabloid journalist only pays minimum wage.
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@KilclooneyJohn
To ease your concerns allow me to point out an important detail that may put this fact into its correct perspective: it's no longer the 17th century.
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@ksorbs
All TVs are flatscreen now. You should know this even if you haven't appeared on one since they still sold CRTs.
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@isaiah_bb
Rowling's method of naming non-Anglo people is laughably terrible but on the other hand the Prime Minister of Spain is called Pedro Sanchez, so I guess sometimes that's just how the world works.
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@kendallbaker
What if Netflix cancels your favourite show after a single season despite its enormous critical success and it takes you 31 days before you're ready to trust again?
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605
@JohnRentoul
@xxiainxx
Maybe people would stop saying you were born in 15th century Wallachia you hadn't spent the last day arguing that basic public sanitation is a feat beyond the capabilities of modern society.
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@ScotTories
Say what you like about Skeletor but at least he didn't whine about his feelings getting hurt whenever someone called him evil.
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@DrHaroldNews
Is there any way it could also make landlords cry publicly, maybe on TV or something, like little babies? It's fine if not, but it would be a neat extra.
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@stefanroberts
Tired of being exposed to the elements? Try this convenient modern trick of living in a shelter. Many are also useful for stopping wolves from devouring your offspring.
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@ImUrHuckleJordy
The best possible economic system is where we tie the money printing machines to horses and when they get spooked by the wind or a weird shadow the economy crashes. It's not perfect but it's the best system ever devised.
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@MattBinder
Everyone still working for this guy should spend most of their time stealing from the company.
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572
@herosnvrdie69
Look, if you don't want to rent a PS5 for a thousand dollars a month just get a better job. If all the PS5 owners were punished for their success then there'd be no PS5s for anybody. /s
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@matthewgoldin
I have a sketch idea for you — Matthew Goldin: Comedy Cop. Random people just try to tell jokes to their friends and you turn up behind them and demand their license. You're the professional though, so I'll leave it to you to make it completely unfunny.
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