James Felton
@JimMFelton
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Bestselling author 52 Times Britain Was A Bellend: https://t.co/IOylVjHwzA Sunburn, a funny book about how shit The Sun is: https://t.co/Zewi6HPEDE
Joined December 2014
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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Did I miss something? Did gay people kill millions of straight bakers whilst I wasn’t paying attention?
Should a religious baker have to create a cake for a same-sex wedding? Imagine a Jewish baker being required to put a swastika on a cake.
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When someone you know in real life sees what you do on twitter
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America do you have any idea how insane this looks the outside
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Don’t want to nitpick but last year it turned out a prince had been having secret holidays with a sex trafficking paedophile
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Special congratulations to older voters who went Tory, fucking over the younger generations for decades and guaranteeing them a brexit they hate because you liked the man with the funny hair who isn’t afraid to say those racist things you enjoy.
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Ah yes the young are living in a bubble cut off from the real world. Anyway here’s the prime minister asking a homeless person if they have their own business.
Mandatory national service would 'get young people out of their bubble'
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Instagram and Facebook users checking out Twitter while they’re down
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Imagine being a moose, thinking you're safe, looking up and seeing a wolf parachuting down towards you and your moose family.
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I’m going to have to use a shitload of paper straws to make up for this.
Brussels Airlines runs 3,000 empty flights to maintain take-off and landing slots.
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They lied, they called the victims of Grenfell thick, they said some racist stuff, they lied some more, they hid from journalists, they hid in fridges and you still fucking voted for them. Well done, shits.
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Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol:.- long.- reading.- what the fuck, no muppets?. A Muppet’s Christmas Carol :.- fuckload of muppets.- no cheeses for us meeces .- actually contains Charles Dickens.- twice the number of Marleys for your buck.- Rizzo.
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Lord give me the commitment of a guy they forced into a polar bear costume going full method during an escape drill at a zoo
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Try to be more like a 91-year-old getting arrested for protesting against climate change rather than a middle-aged wanker sitting on Twitter endlessly calling a 16-year-old girl a freak for not wanting the planet to fucking burn
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If you’re one of the people who thinks throwing a statue of Edward Colston into the sea is bad, wait until you find out about the 19,000 slaves who died whilst his company transported them to the Caribbean.
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Wildlife is finally returning to Britain’s streets. Nature is healing 😍✌️
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What kind of fucked up species can’t look at endless scenes like this and collectively agree what Israel is doing is abhorrent.
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Twitter banned a guy for changing his name to Italian Elon Musk and tweeting “I send-a the calzone to space! Ohhhhhh!” surely it’s within their rules to ban Trump for threatening to murder unarmed protesters.
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Feeding kids Bombing kids
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is due to announce tomorrow a £16.5bn increase in defence spending over the next four years in what is being billed as the biggest programme of investment in Britain's armed forces since the end of the Cold War.
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Thank god for all this police brutality keeping the streets safe from women holding candles.
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Holy shit the only person left talking sense on Brexit is *squints* Danny fucking Dyer.
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That’s not how doors work.
The pandemic is like a doorway. Once you pass through, there is no going back
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"I'm pro-life"."How pro-life are you?"."I'm so pro-life I will fucking murder you to death, that's how pro-life I am".
A bill in the Ohio House would criminalize abortions in all cases, and possibly allow the death penalty against women who get abortions.
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This is like a clip from a special episode of The Office where everyone dies from climate change
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Four days into parliament and he looks like a concerned relative has found him drinking heavily and shouting at pigeons in a bin
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@LeeAndersonMP_ Hi Katy do you mind posing for a photograph, I want to tweet out your salary and living arrangements in order to shit on people in completely different circumstances that have been forced to use food banks because of our callous and shitty government, cheers.
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Imagine surviving Covid only to get murdered by a Miliband
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Hi I’m Piers Morgan. You may remember me from years of publicly abusing Meghan Markle then inviting her dad on my show the day after she said she’d been made to feel suicidal by the media. Today I’ll be pissing my pants and running away because of mild criticism.
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Congratulations to Brexiters for your astonishing achievement. After just four years and billions of pounds spent (so far) you have negotiated a deal a whole lot shittier than the one we already had.
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£1 now basically equal to €1. We’ve finally joined the Euro and it’s all thanks to Brexiters. Congratulations lads, you did it.
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Hi I'm a boomer. You may remember me from such hits as "aww does the widdle millennial snowflake need a safe space because he's so offended". Today I'll be losing my shit because a shop I don't visit is selling a vegan steak bake I am under no obligation to buy.
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Imagine choosing your wife over your nan.
'Harry had two strong women in his life - and he chose Meghan over the Queen'
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You ever look up in wonder at the infinite expanse of the night sky and think “I would like to traffic slaves there”
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“What are you mad about today daily mail?”.“Just facts in general”
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@JeremyClarkson Don’t worry about it mate, we’ve all tripped, fell and accidentally crowbarred in a reference to throwing shit at a naked woman right after saying we hate her more than rose west, easily done.
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Remember when the Tories endlessly praised a 100-year-old for dragging himself around a garden to raise £32million and then spent £150million buying 50 million unusable masks from an offshore banker with no history of supplying medical equipment.
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Just in time, I hear there’s a virus going around in Wuhan.
Covid-19: First UK airport coronavirus testing begins
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In two days Johnson lost his majority live on TV, fired 23 MPs, became the first PM in history to lose his first three commons votes and now he has to sit there completely powerless until the other parties give him permission to have an election. UK press:.CORBYN IS A CHICKEN.
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2016: your favourite celebrities are dead.2017: we regret to inform you the ones left alive are sex pests.
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The British public solving the pandemic with common sense
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@pritipatel @England Maybe next time don’t say it’s cool for people to boo people attempting to challenge racism or they might get the message that racism is fine.
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No shaming commuters please. Johnson told people to go back to work, so they risk getting fired if they don’t. No “but he said avoid public transport”: This is what happens when they have no other choice. Any infections that happen because of this is entirely on him.
Commuters can be seen piling onto tube trains a day after Boris Johnson said those who are unable to work from home should now be "actively encouraged" to go to work from Wednesday. More on easing the #COVID19 lockdown here:
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“Fred West is a serial killer”. Health Sec Matt Hancock:.“He’s also very good at patios”.
“Tony Abbott is a homophobe and a misogynist”. Health Sec @MattHancock: “He’s also an expert on trade”. #KayBurley . JM
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STRAP IN AND HOLD ON TIGHT KIDS, DADDY'S CHECKING HIS EYESIGHT, YEEEEEEHAWWWWWW.
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Boris Johnson just thanked and congratulated Marcus Rashford on his campaign to stop Boris Johnson being such a callous kid-starving shit.
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Boris Johnson has lost 5 of his first 5 commons votes, the first PM in history to do so. He takes the title away from previous record holder Boris Johnson, who lost 4 of his first 4.
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An classic of a “man outraged at thing he’s currently doing” genre
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As a mark of respect for Prince Philip, National Rail have made their employees unable to read the National Rail timetable
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Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the people’s candidate
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This you, this you, this you, this you?
Tomorrow's front page: 'Footie hero Raheem Sterling did the honours for England today'
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VidEo GaMes DoNT LeAd To VioLenCe.
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Read the room Paddingon you marmalade cunt.
Remember to be kind and polite today.
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The government deciding whether to save public health or Wetherspoons
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UK deaths: 43,429.New Zealand deaths: 25.
"Jacinda-mania has taken hold on the Left, but New Zealand's Prime Minister has pursued a disastrous Covid policy," writes @RossjournoClark
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He flew to fucking Cornwall to talk about climate change.
I’ve arrived in Cornwall for this year’s @G7 where I’ll be asking my fellow leaders to rise to the challenge of beating the pandemic and building back better, fairer and greener. It will be a busy and important Summit, and I can’t wait to get started. #G7UK
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So enamoured by Brexit they're willing to go to Downing Street to watch it happen on a big clock. Not able to list a single fucking benefit it'll have on our lives.
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He looks like the new corrupt member of AC12 who gets bumped off in episode 3
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Literally just dropped one of the most evil conference speeches in recent history then went outside and stood on a guide dog.
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@NadineDorries Genuine question; are you aware of the fact that other people can hear sounds.
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2016: .Don’t call him a fascist, do you have any idea how hysterical you sound?. 2020:.The gigantic violent mob is advancing on the capitol building carrying a gigantic wooden cross to try and overturn the election result, as per Trump’s request.
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