Sooz Kempner
@SoozUK
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"Comedian" DOOM in @bbcdoctorwho . Host @mysteryontherox @thequeenpod . Agents: @ryanioscoholmes @gag_reflex @TheJonesesVoice
London
Joined January 2009
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HEY-OOOOOOOOO, I am absolutely chuffed to be part of the original cast of the world premiere of a new adaptation of Withnail & I by Bruce Robinson. Chin chin!
We've started rehearsals, by mistake... In London?
Withnail and I rehearsals are officially underway! Get your tickets now to see this iconic tragi-comedy here at The Rep!
📅 Fri 3 –Sat 25 May.
🍷Full Cast and Creative team:
📸
@elliekurttz
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You can't compare Great Britain and New Zealand, it's really unfair, there are so many variables that are completely different. For example, their leader is very good and listened to science whereas ours is properly shit and listened to Steve Bannon and Dominic Cummings.
This is New Zealand.
No masks, no lockdowns, no new cases — with PM Jacinda Ardern at a huge outdoor BBQ on a national holiday.
What leadership looks like.
🇳🇿
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The average British house price in 1991 was £56,000 and in 2021 it's £268,000, a rate of inflation of almost 500%.
A You've Been Framed clip in 1991 paid £250 and in 2021? £250. A rate of inflation of 0%. No wonder young people can't get on the property ladder. Disgusting.
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Wayne Rooney and Jamie Vardy seeing each other in the courtroom.
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I reckon there are a lot of Britons who have learned more about the British slave trade since Edward Colston’s statue got chucked in the Avon than they did at school.
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I reckon the reason transphobes hate Elliott Page SO MUCH is coz he transitioned in his 30s having known he wasn't a girl since he was tiny. He did EVERYTHING they say they want (waiting til adulthood to transition) so it means they just have to admit "but I think it's icky!"
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Seriously though, they picked the PERFECT shade of blue in the briefing room, cheers lads!
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If you're new here and didn't know this already have this fact to brighten your day. This is my cat Boris when he played Jones in Aliens. He was picked because he would hiss on camera because he was not a nice guy.
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THREAD: This is a thread about Reply Guys. I like it when tweets go viral coz I'm a big show-off and Twitter is responsible for most of my career. When you go viral you get new followers, fun replies, sometimes even industry interest omg. But you also get: Reply Guys.
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Ooooo it's 10 years today since Gordon Brown called that bigoted woman "that bigoted woman" and if you look at our current government and wonder "how did that happen?" it happened when Brown was made a pariah for calling a bigot a bigot.
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People who say "there wasn't all this debate about trans people five years ago" are SO CLOSE to understanding what "moral panic" means. SO SO close!
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People: “HOW CAN A TEENAGER KNOW THEY ARE TRANS LET KIDS BE KIDS OMG”
Also people: “My newborn baby supports Tottenham”
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On BBC News they're currently interviewing a couple who run a pub and want Brexit done. One just said "when you're facing diversity people pull together" which is a Freudian slip so huge I fully fell over even though I'm currently sitting down.
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Tweeted that JK R0wling's kids were probably worried about her obsession with trans women and her stans are calling me a paedo for mentioning her kids.
Joanne's kids are all adults. One of them is soon to turn 30.
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The Sun makes very little money from physical sales. It makes money from clicks on the site and if they’re outrage clicks it makes no difference to them. So never share on a Sun article and if you see a terrible headline don’t click on it.
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Matt Hancock is getting the party poppers out and having a big ol' celebraysh for "only 36" deaths from COVID-19 in this country yesterday.
New Zealand had 22 deaths in total. Not yesterday, not this month - in TOTAL.
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I just remembered the most incredible four tweet story of all time.
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I had a bad reaction to the meningitis B jab back in 1999. Got pretty ill during The Sixth Sense and didn’t get the twist ending at all. My friends had to help me get home. I was ill for 3 days. Tell you what it was fucking better than: meningitis.
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@GretaThunberg
I thought I'd never see a greater tweet than "me and my friends would have killed ET with hammers" and yet here we are.
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12 years ago I was in Ayia Napa being a Christina Aguilera tribute act for a company that turned out to be a money laundering operation for the Cypriot mafia. Anyway, one day I couldn't afford to eat and I just ate a full jar of Nutella I'd bought the week before.
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There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that says "FUCK YOU" to Brexit more than a terrorist being taken down by a Polish man brandishing a Narwhal tusk. There's your second referendum right there. REMAIN!
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An air fryer was on offer so I went for it and HOLY SHIT I put some new potatoes in it for 15 minutes, sprinkled on some olive oil and salt and THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE CHARGING US £6 FOR IN POSH PUBS I cracked the code.
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I just gave a homeless man on a train a tenner and a very Lloyd man said “he does that every night” so I said “ok, I hope I made his life slightly easier tonight” and he went “he’s not homeless, he’s a professional beggar!” and I went “oh right well we’ve got people in
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Just read Terry Pratchett instead. He didn’t hate any minorities or even SECRETLY hate any minorities and dress it up as “reasonable concerns”. He was funny too. And his writing holds up real well.
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The PM Rishi Sunak reassures us all that everything is fine, actually.
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🚨🚨BREAKING 🚨🚨Nadine Dorries is now the Minister for Digital, Media, Culture, Sport, Health and Money.
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Schofield and Willoughby jumped the queue? Oh man, that sucks. This is worse than the time they interviewed Corbyn and Johnson during the 2019 election and painted one as a communist who is also a nazi and the other as a cheeky boi who took a giggly selfie hehehe.
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Teen in a pickup ran a red and hit me head-on, destroying my car and fucking up my neck in 2016. He was 100% at fault, I got my settlement and replaced my car.
5 years ago today I was informed legal proceedings were taking place coz “the 3rd party is denying all involvement”.
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A word from Nadine Dorries, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport as she takes us somewhere special.
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There's this myth that McDonalds is the very worst food you can eat, far worse than any other food and it's actually not much worse than something like Subway or indeed M&S sandwiches. It's just processed food like fucking everything we eat. Supersize Me was a scam.
McDonalds is not an insane expensive luxury, folks, it's cheap, calorie-dense food that keeps you full for ages
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If L
@vrence
F0x runs for London Mayor do yourselves a favour and say absolutely nothing about it. Don't tweet about it, don't quote tweet him or his supporters, don't screenshot his ramblings and share them with "tHis iS bAd". Starve the campaign of publicity and watch it perish.
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Liz Truss is gonna be the first PM who is removed from office with an offstage shepherd’s crook during party conference.
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EXCLUSIVE: Nadine Dorries Conservative Party leadership campaign video.
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I got on the tube last night with a huge crowd of fans and two Italian girls wrapped in their flags were there and they received a VERY British round of applause and a guy quipped that he wouldn't be eating pasta anymore. It doesn't make good copy but most people aren't awful.
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Emma Watson is trending because she isn't transphobic and that really winds up the Joanne cult. That's the reason she's trending. "She's SILENT on Ezra Miller!" Right, well, so is Joanne who tweets ALL THE TIME and Miller was actually IN her movies.
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"She blocked me just coz I disagree with her"
m8 I blocked you coz I clicked on your profile and your banner is a swastika
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A reminder that sales of The S*n under lockdown are WAY DOWN and Murdoch's really really hoping that you share their abhorrent piece today from their website. Any clicks on it make The S*n money. It doesn't matter if they're rage clicks, it still makes them money.
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THREAD: Eastenders is having its biggest week of the year and a lot of people are going to be at their family home and therefore watching it for the only time in 2019. This thread is to help you catch up on the goings on of Albert Square in preparation of the big day.
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@dylanviner
Oh no how depressing a kid might want to play at being super-creative and great with communication quick give them a fake gun instead.
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I see we're doing the "a slice of absolutely shite bread costs 2p, a spread of minging butter costs 1p, there you are, a nutritious meal" discourse again like a) it's dinner fit for anyone and b) you can head to Tesco and go "one slice of bread and one smear of butter please!"
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I finally watched the Sam Smith video and was like "that's...it?!"
Freddie Mercury, Brian May, Roger Taylor and John Deacon were in full joyful drag in the I Want To Break Free video almost 40 years ago. In the middle Freddie is writhing with ballet dancers. Ya bunch of prudes.
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🧵THE WORST FASHIONS OF THE Y2K ERA
BRAS WITH CLEAR STRAPS: Whoa it looks like you aren’t even WEARING a bra! Ultimate goal when wearing strappy tops (ONE SET OF STRAPS ONLY AT ALL TIMES IN Y2K) Invisible straps don’t catch the light like a MIRROR at all PS enjoy your sweat rash
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J0hnny D*pp now looks like a British TERF who gets invited on to Newsnight "for balance".
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People pulling down the statue of a slave trader and throwing it in the river after 40 years of peaceful requests for its removal were ignored = THUGGERY!
The Bullingdon Club trashing restaurants and burning £50 notes in front of the homeless = JAPES LOL
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If you see this tweet by former-swimmer Sharron Davies please be aware that there are 176k cis women involved in this country's football association and 50 trans women (trans identifying males is a transphobic buzzphrase). That means 0.02% of women involved are trans women.
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I don't get it...they got EVERYTHING they wanted. The statues they jizz it up over are safely locked in fridges. The BLM protest got called off today. There's NO delay on Brexit.
What are the Engerland Football Lads raging about today?
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For the same as I paid for a private test that I won't have the results for until Tuesday at the earliest I could fly to Germany tomorrow morning, get tested at the airport, have a result within 30 minutes and fly home after lunch.
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The middle-aged man who assaulted me the day after my 16th birthday told the police that I wasn't even hot, that his wife was way hotter, so he wouldn't have gone for me anyway. Trump used the same defence. To see it get completely dismissed is beyond cathartic.
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Sure, sex is good but have you ever been behind a prick being rude in a coffee shop and when it’s time to make your order you start with a shitty little quip about the prick and the staff find it really funny?
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@JohnCleese
Coz the BBC sold the license for the show to Netflix. I don't work for the BBC but it's pretty easy to find out, John.
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My favourite Christmas gift? Finding out that Matt Hancock's book has sold 3000 copies.
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People who spent the whole of lockdown insisting they were prisoners in turmoil and that society was collapsing coz they couldn't go to the pub and had to just watch Netflix are now scoffing at the idea of people wanting to flee Afghanistan.
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Men who willingly wore bootcut jeans with pointed leather shoes in 2003 now upset at the prospect of wearing a mask in shops.
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MPs are already putting letters in about Liz Truss. I said she'd be gone by Christmas and at this rate she won't see Halloween.
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Flag Twitter so frequently uses "oh who would you rather have, Diane Abbott?!" when one of the front bench fucks up and to all of them I say: yes, yes I would rather have Diane Abbott. Yes. Thank you for asking.
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Women's rights are LITERALLY being removed in America and Jowling Kowling R0wling has had absolutely nothing to say. Zero.
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Nadine Dorries appears before the Commons' digital, culture, media and sport committee earlier today.
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@nadinebh_
The documentary series is incredible. The only comeback people who hate Meghan have is "she is lying she didn't feel like that" and their proof will be: vibes. The vibes I get are that they both seem like nice, thoughtful people who love each other very much.
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My favourite thing people who went to private school say (and no judgement if you did, you can’t help where you were sent to school) is “my parents worked hard and made sacrifices” like my parents were just lazy and selfish and that’s why I was at the local comp hahaha
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he has been shaking his head and jabbing at his phone screen for the past 5 minutes. This isn’t a brag, I’m now proud to have made this legend furious.
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Westminster taking a lot more than a tenner on a train and being a lot more dishonest than him” and he went “I’M A WAR PENSIONER!!!” so I said “and I’m proud to pay your pension with my tax, I’m also cool with giving that guy 10 quid, I can see that makes you very angry” and
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Someone my mum knows is proper Brexit and mum said the roads are an absolute state these days and the person said it was “because of foreign lorries” and I think about it once every 8 minutes.
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Don't worry about your A-level results! Back when I was 17 I got the required results for a place at Cambridge and now I live with my mother, have been single for over 9 years and am most well-known for doing a meme where I tut and roll my eyes!
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Exclusive footage of Liz Truss appearing on BBC local radio this morning.
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Hey guys, it's one year since Boris Johnson unleashed the Spirit of Britain! How's that been going?
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Andrew Tate, 36, decided to really go for it bullying a teenager on the internet and in doing so revealed his location to the authorities via pizza and is now arrested for trafficking. That's Four Seasons Total Landscaping energy right there.
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Basically yesterday a load of absolute bros decided I was a trans woman and used their mistake to burn me. The problem they have there is calling a cis woman trans isn't an insult. It's not insulting. All it does is confirm that they in fact CAN'T "always tell".
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THREAD: The Tory leadership candidates as 90s British cars.
JEREMY HUNT: Ford Mondeo. Zero edge no matter how slick the design is. There was talk that they listed to the left but they want everyone to know they’ve DEFINITELY fixed that now.
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Babe wake up, the Tory "worst case scenario" just happened and the count isn't even over!
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Pleased to announce I will be referring to GB News as GBeebies.
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I wrote “very loud man” and it autocorrected to Lloyd and I kinda like it.
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Absolutely nothing came of this coz he hit my car head on running a red, there were witnesses and CCTV, but the noise I made on that day in 2018 when I was told that the little shit (the pickup was brand new btw, rich kid) was trying this was BERSERK.
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"THEY ARE JUST SCAREMONGERING THAT 41 DEGREE HEAT COULD RESULT IN HOSPITALISATION AND DEATH!" say people who are constantly terrified of pronouns.
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It's completely irrelevant but all these takes about Ghislaine Maxwell being "so beautiful and charismatic" do my head in for two reasons. 1) because she is a now-convicted sex criminal and 2) because she looks like an unpleasant HR woman at a mid-level accountancy firm.
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@DavidjhWelch
@david_r_morgan
Andrew Tate wants to...silence....Andrew Tate? Well that does explain his behaviour a bit better.
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It's weird being told that because I support trans rights I'm part of the out-of-touch liberal elite when the main character in transphobia is a billionaire lady who lives in a castle and that's just ONE of her homes.
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Paul O'Grady was fucking amazing. We all grew up watching Lily Savage (I can remember watching her on The Big Breakfast and my mum proper laughing) but it's only in more recent years I realised what an incredible life Paul had had. What a loss!
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PUNCH-IT-UP REPLY GUY: This breed of Reply Guy rewords your humorous tweet and behaves like he has written a hilarious take. "More like people who wore shitty fashions of the past now don't want to put on a mask lol". Not "more like", mate...EXACTLY the same.
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Hahahaha imagine getting your account suspended on Musk's Twitter....it's be easier to be thrown out of the Tory Party for corruption.
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In 2013 I started making character videos. During lockdown I made new episodes of EastEnders, videos where Liza Minnelli delivered Trump speeches verbatim, lots of carefully-written green screen and on location content.
My first vid to crack a million views? Fucking THIS.
Wayne Rooney and Jamie Vardy seeing each other in the courtroom.
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Stephen Fry used to loudly quit Twitter every time people disagreed with him so I don't think he should be doling out advice to trans people about accepting Jowling Kowling Rowling's vitriol.
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Luring Boris Johnson into a COBRA meeting by leaving a trail of cocktail sausages and cheese-and-pineapple chunks on sticks all the way to the door and playing the Grease Megamix on a loop in the background.
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Congratulations to Madonna who is no longer the shittest Evita.
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Nadine Dorries exclusively reads aloud from her latest novel.
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Happy five year anniversary to that noise (a rendition of the word "what" but I got seven syllables out of it).
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Don’t worry about your A-level results, guys. They really don’t matter. I got 5, mostly A grades and I live with my mother, have been single since 2013 and last night bought KFC and dropped it all in the road.
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This from
@GaryLineker
is awesome. Patriotism isn't about blind love for the land inside man-made borders you happened to be born in. It's wanting your country to be better. Booing Rashford is the opposite of patriotism.
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FACTCHECK REPLY GUY: An evergreen Reply Guy. They will factcheck whatever you tweet. In this case expect to see a lot of "sounds more 2004 than 2003" replies. But trust me, if you know a LOT about a subject and you tweet some facts a Reply Guy will "actually, it's" you.
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