Clarissa Maycock
@ClarissaDM
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Comedy producer & writer. Formerly @BBCComedy @BBCR1 @BBCRadio4. I've been told I should've saved my CV as a PDF.
Joined May 2009
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV? .Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you've opened it in Word.
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What was your aha moment when you realised ‘wow, that’s the same actor!!’??. I’ll start:. Janette Goldstein. Aliens & Terminator 2
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Gun to to your head, what is the *best* Simpsons joke? However you wanna define it; pics, GIFs, clips, and overwrought explanations welcome.
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Thanks everyone & thanks for all the advice about CV formatting and PDFs 🤣😀. If you'd like to see my Edinburgh Fringe show I've made it available here: (it's free, & no formatting required 🥰😀❤)
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#UKHeatwave advice: I spent June in Louisiana, where it regularly hit 100°F (38°C), and these are some simple tips I picked up: (🧵Thread) #heatwave
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I was brought down by the left-wing economic establishment.
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Robert Peston just announced on ITV that even Gillian Anderson has lost her seat. #GeneralElection2024 #GillianKeegan.
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#TVPitch: A police drama, but the twist is that the main character isn't a workaholic. Instead he actively looks for opportunities to avoid work while on a case and covertly books mini-breaks on his phone while interrogating suspects.
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A comedian's job is to solve one murder a week on a sleepy but beautiful Carribean island across the course of about 3 series. (& perhaps a Sainsbury's advert.).
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Dec 25: "Aw, this wearable blanket is a nice gift, but I can't really see me wearing it, haha.". Jan 17: "I'm sorry, you want me to go somewhere without my wearable blanket and let my poor blanketless limbs freeze?? Are you a monster?".
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. To be honest, this is all mainly about alligators. Probably not that useful for the #UKHeatwave. Sorry! 🤷♀️.
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@watsoncomedian Still, it's good to know why she was too busy to be in the Commons and sent Penny Mordaunt instead.
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🧵 Lalo Salamanca as Steven Toast: A Thread. #BetterCallSaul #StevenToast #LaloSalamanca @mrbobodenkirk #SaulGone
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1. Avoid swimming in ponds, rivers and lakes at night, dusk, or dawn because that's when aligators are most actively hunting. #heatwave.
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@TNeenan I love that the main tragedy of each series starts not with an act of overt evil, but a more relatable act of stupidity/weakness which then escalates & escalates. There's always a window where if they went to the police & fessed up they'd maybe avoid the very worst, but don't.
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Quick update: I've now been told to save my CV as a PDF in almost every language in the world. 🤣 Thanks so much if you liked, retweeted or responded to this silly joke. I've never felt so alive (or thought so much about document formatting.) X.
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Probably my favourite throwaway #DieHard joke: the two FBI agents who turn up called Johnson & Johnson.
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Why Netflix cancels so many shows (outlined here by an Exec.) Let's just say it explains a lot. #save1899 #1899Netflix #WarriorNun
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@jackbern23 The most reassuring image of all - a disembodied horse's head and the message you'll never escape it.
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I hope that when Rubbish takes off his rubbish bin mask it's revealed to be @CountBinface underneath. 🤞 #TheMaskedSingerUK #bins
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Rylan Clark and Rob Rinder are set to star in a new BBC travel show which will see them explore the art and culture Italy has to offer. ✍: @NaomiAClarke .
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3. If you are out walking your dog, make sure you keep it on a leash as an alligator may see it as an easy target.
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2. Be aware that aligators are more likely to be out of the water in the summer months, when they warm themselves in the sun.
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Sad about the #NeighboursFinale, but excited about the spin-off set in a post-apocalyptic Erinsborough: "The Lassiters of Us." Harold, who is unable to die, is the only survivor and has to find his way through the bleak terrain. Great teatime viewing.
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I have a new favourite genre of #content - Michael Gove being inconvenienced by Brexit.
Almost 30hr delay to our @easyJet flight now. I'm told the problem's a lack of staff due to the pandemic compounded,in the case of the UK, by #Brexit. So it's at least some consolation to find arch Brexiteer @michaelgove caught up in the same shitshow #BrexitChaos #BrexitShambles
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4. If you are swimming in an area where alligators might reside, do so with at least one friend who can help you keep an eye out for potential dangers.
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The only man who is allowed to speak out against the BBC licence fee. @GarthMDarkplace #BBCLicenceFee #NadineDorries
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@MrNishKumar Government: Bears are "getting all the indoor toilet facilities they need" and we refuse to accept they "are going to the toilet outside." . Also the Government: "Expect to see a lot of bears shitting in the woods this winter.".
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@hansmollman Finger crossed this helps?? ⬇️⬇️
#UKHeatwave advice: I spent June in Louisiana, where it regularly hit 100°F (38°C), and these are some simple tips I picked up: (🧵Thread) #heatwave
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@MattHighton When I was 11 we moved house & for some reason the previous owners had painted Mr Blobby onto the wall in my room. The whites of his eyes were still visible when the lights were off, so he was always watching. Thanks to your video, now everyone can share in my nightmares 😆😀🤣.
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🎇 100 episodes! My appearances over the years include:. -A guest at a hotel run by bulls.-A churchgoer who threw magic onions at a vicar.-An online psychic medium who contacted Charles Darwin about an underwater ultra-cow. A joy! Thank you @beefanddairy.
Today I released the 100th episode of @beefanddairy. That's an episode a month, every month, for over EIGHT YEARS. Mad. I still love making it. Thanks to everyone who listens and to everyone who has been on it.
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Is it even a party if you don't have to apologise to Buckingham Palace afterwards?.
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It just doesn't feel safe walking around at the moment knowing Tommy Lee Royce is free.
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Many people are confused about why on earth #LockwoodandCo was cancelled when the #Netflix report shows it was one of the most watched/liked shows of the year. The recommissioning process is actually very simple ⬇️⬇️
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BREAKING: Kim Kardashian has reportedly purchased the striped shirt the "You Won Jane" man wore when Jane won on Come Dine With Me for $1.2 million.
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5. When Harry styles definitely threw a goat onto Chris Pine during the press tour for Don't Worry Darling, no doubt about it.
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Yes, well, they don't call me "Big Dog" absolutely all the time. In fact, sometimes months can elapse and they won't call me "Big Dog" at all. So don't call me "Big Dog" in front of anyone. Because they might have forgotten. .
Trying to make Big Dog happen as your nickname has shades of when Rimmer tried to say that at school his nickname had been Ace and Lister goes "maybe Ace-hole". Yeah alright then Boris, maybe Big Dickhead. Heh.
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The feminine urge to play Grand Theft Auto but not take any missions and just drive around listening to the radio & chilling out.
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@benpartridge This is my favourite Portuguese warning sign - he looks so resigned to his fate (being crushed by a misplaced wheelie bin in a lift in the Algarve.)
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Sometimes he won't investigate a case because he "can't be arsed".
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@thisstuartlaws Sounds amazing. I would definitely watch a 30-second-long TikTok made by a 19-year-old influencer amalgamating various snapshots of their evening there set to a Bruno Mars track. (The highest compliment I could pay any bar.).
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Can you imagine the kind of payout you'd get nowadays if you were on a school trip where you got bitten by a radioactive spider??.
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People who put empty After Eight wrappers back in the box to be the last demographic to get the vaccine.
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It sounds like this week is the ideal time to start watching #LockwoodandCo if you haven't already - a fantastic show, lovingly made, with great leads and a stylish, spooky London backdrop. Recommend!! ❤⚔👻.
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@banalyst "I'm interested in one thing and one thing only: catching tent droppers!" #LineOfDuty
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🚨My Virtual Edinburgh Fringe show starts tonight at 7.30pm!! 🚨 It is free & on YouTube. It is a little bit different, but I've tried to capture the energy of a regular #EdFringe show whilst also embracing that it is virtual. I hope you like it.😀😄❤️🎉
🚨NEWS🚨 I'm doing a solo comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival with PBH Virtual Free Fringe called Clarissa Explains It All (Briefly). I'll be attempting to comprehensively explain it all in 50mins. What could go wrong? (I'll explain this along the way.)
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@best_gabby My Dad had a theory that Pat had a side hustle transporting drugs in the van alongside the post - and this was how he afforded luxuries like his personalised number plate "PAT 1." That could be a source of stress, I imagine.🤷♀️.
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Never forget when Mr Blobby drove a tank through Somerset to open a local winter carnival.
It’s Wells Carnival tonight!. Kicking off proceedings is Mr Blobby in an armoured vehicle, of course.
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I'm doing Dry January again, and so far I've alternated between dry gin, dry white wine and dry martinis. I feel absolutely awful, I don't know how people do this. 🤷♀️.
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POV: You are watching probably the most depressing POV video ever on #TikTok. (From your POV) ⬇️
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I assume the reason for extending Leicester's lockdown is to protect @richard_third?? He is in one of the most vulnerable groups (recently spent 500+ years buried in a car park)
Stricter lockdown measures for Leicester announced, including closing of shops and schools, as Covid cases rise
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Bad news if you didn't like the narrative direction of 2017: apparently a lot of the themes that were introduced in 2017 are going to be "explored further" in 2018.
Bad news: I read an interview with one of the writers of 2016 and they said it was all just "backstory and set-up" for 2017.
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It's one thing that Rishi Sunak wasn't wearing a seatbelt in this video, but playing Highway to the Danger Zone loudly in the background really was taking the piss. 🤣 #seatbeltgate
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I'm convinced that if everyone streamlined their social media timelines so that it was just @GarthMDarkplace, there would be no war.
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The wait finally is over!! "Tom Neenan is Not All Men" starts tomorrow on @bbcsounds 🎉🎉 Here we are in the studio just after @TNeenan told me what mansplaining is.
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"The Truth Behind the Williamson Mug" - Stunt coordinator Cam Smash takes us behind-the-scenes of the insert shot of the Education Secretary drinking from his mug on Newsnight.
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@CountBinface The economy has been a reassuring presence that has been there for all of my life, so now it's gone I do feel quite sad and I would like to join the queue to pay my respects. It'll be especially weird without it at Christmas!.
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Unbelievable. I wanted to get on a plane to Exeter and accidentally got on Jeff Bezos' flight into space instead. I didn't need this today.
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🚨NEWS🚨 I'm doing a solo comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival with PBH Virtual Free Fringe called Clarissa Explains It All (Briefly). I'll be attempting to comprehensively explain it all in 50mins. What could go wrong? (I'll explain this along the way.)
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Are you in the UK? Do you still feel fairly well? Not currently in prison? Congratulations, you are now required to attend COBRA meetings. Next meeting is tomorrow morning in Whitehall.
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At #EdFringe19? Bravo! Here's just a few fantastic show #recs: @GrainneMaguire @thisstuartlaws @pierrenovellie @YasmineDay80 @TheNewsAtGlenn @crybabiescomedy @heidi_regan @HelenBaBauer @ladylikescomedy @shivani_alice @LostVoiceGuy @chrisblisstwit @kenchengcomedy @GeorgeFouracres.
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Maureen Lipman is right- comedy could be wiped out! So please listen to this Cancel Culture ep of comedy series "@TNeenan is Not All Men" ft. comedy from comedians @rachelparris @mralistairgreen @SadKatler @benpartridge @shivani_alice. Before comedy dies!!
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@watsoncomedian I Want It That Way, But Obvs Let Me Know How You Envision This Working & We Can Chat (Backstreet Boys).
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Quick hack: Make sure you tick the box on your tax return that says "I'm the current Chancellor of the Exchequer, lolz 😉😉🤑🤪" before pressing submit to get the best calculation.
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@TNeenan Great news! You've been invited to Holybush Hillvia Palace for the Christmas Ball, which just happens to take place on the eve of the new coronation. Careful - don't get roped into helping out with the annual Royal Carol Concert for the local orphans!
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It would be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap. And I do not say that lightly. .
Garth Marenghi could return to television says Matthew Holness:
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If you only watch one thing this year make it tonight's #InsideNo9 with @Sheridansmith1. It's desperately brilliant. http://t.co/Pqjdy1VZ25.
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The keyboard player in Duran Duran seems to be wearing a suit made out of the red waxy bit you get on the outside of a Babybel. Now that's a commitment to sustainability. #GlobalCitizenLive
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“I promise I won’t cry. It’s just a single frame from a TV show.” . The single frame:
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I jumped on a TikTok trend. What on earth could go wrong?? 😱
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My Aunt passed away yesterday, after a battle with cancer that was made even harder by the pandemic. It makes me so sad that she wasn't able to have anyone with her during chemo, or during her a terminal diagnosis. Thinking of everyone who has had to go through similar. ❤️
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Enjoying Van Der Valk, ITV's drama about an Amsterdam-based detective's race against time to solve crimes before they are fully legalised.
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Saw "Hancock" on Netflix. Rubbish. Will Smith really didn't capture him at all. Plus, the story in the film seems to finish before he even becomes Health Secretary??.
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I've been for a run every day in April, an average of 7.5km a day. It's been absolutely dreadful. I've read so many utterly ridiculous articles full of lies about "7 THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU START RUNNING EVERY DAY" that I thought I'd put togethet a more realistic list. .
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