Glenn Moore (Insta: @glennrogermoore)
@TheNewsAtGlenn
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Following
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Comedian, and nephew to three gorgeous uncles. Enquiries: CGagon @avalonuk .com
Joined November 2010
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都知事選
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Celtics
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#IRIAMメンテ中のフォロー祭り
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Jaylen Brown
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TIME TO WORK
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Respect Motherhood
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土砂降り
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Pinned Tweet
Here’s a topical joke from 406 days ago.
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Did…did a minotaur write this
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Whitney Houston saying ‘and’ VS Whitney Houston saying ‘I’
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They pour the worst damn pints in Cheers I’m losing my mind
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Well this is a fucking accident waiting to happen
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Bolognese are coming
Bolognese are coming
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All I'm saying is, if I were a billionaire, I'd tell all my aspiring rivals that the secret to success was getting up at 4am.
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I quoted the line ‘They were no longer little girls. They were little women’ in a school essay and found out later it wasn’t in the book and it was just something Moe said
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Just remembered that weird bit in Gladiator when he has to fight a Bafta
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6 years ago I spent €30 to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower just to do this and it got about 4 likes.
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Taken my girlfriend to see the Spice Girls for her birthday and it’s just sinking in that I’ve now got to watch the Spice Girls
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[Extremely Q voice] Oh, and 007? Do try not to cum whilst playing this game
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Not letting my family eat until they’ve guessed the punchline. We are starving.
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Do not - I repeat - do NOT, even out of curiosity, pull the handle on the side of your toilet. I just did, and a gush of water’s erased everything. A lifetime’s turd collection, gone.
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Guy on the phone in the cafe this morning suddenly switched to French when I sat near him. Clearly didn’t want any eavesdroppers. Thought I’d surprise him, so as I went to leave I leaned in and in perfect French just casually said “I like to play football with my brother”
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Susie Dent’s word of the day tweets are amazing because they’re always a subtle little dig at someone
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The Harry & Meghan documentary is just bombshell after bombshell
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Once a year or so I’ll dedicate maybe half an hour to staring at Donald Trump’s dad’s horizontal ears
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Sorry to hear the village fete's been cancelled. My deepest tombolances.
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Spotify Wrapped should let you know in like October where things currently stand so you’ve got time to make amends. It feels like fucking A-level results day.
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Absolutely certain Will Smith has never said this
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8 maids a-milking
7 swans a-swimming
6 geese a-laying
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Another day thinking of that Dominos advert where five mates are sharing two medium pizzas. Ooo yeah just the one slice for me for my entire dinner please
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Never been so scared of towels.
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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ARAGORN: Are you frightened?
FRODO: Yes.
ARAGORN: Not nearly frightened enough-
FRODO: Ok well what the fuck was I meant to say then
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WASHING MACHINE: Finished!
WASHING MACHINE DOOR: But I’m not ;)
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The weirdest part of any Christmas song is when Paul McCartney goes ‘The choir of children sing their song, they practised ALL YEAR long’ and then it turns out it’s just them saying ‘ding dong’ a few times
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*Papa Roach voice*
TOOK MY WIFE AND TWO NIECES
TO DISNEYLAND RESORT
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Lovely moment of English spirit on the train. A guy got on and shouted "I've just got off the phone with football...IT'S COMING HOME!"
And a packed carriage full of strangers, all from different walks of life, who'd just witnessed history, collectively just ignored him. Dickhead
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It’s sad to think there was a day where my dad picked me up and put me on his shoulders for what would be the last time. It was 3 weeks ago and it immediately killed him.
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Share if you think Britain was better in the olden days!
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Why is the 'Old MacDonald' song in the past tense? What happened?
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Ian Wright's shirt has got great wifi signal
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GB News looks like when an ITV drama has a newsflash and they’re not allowed to make it look too realistic in case it confuses viewers
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Oh not Rolf Harris, he used to love me when I was a kid
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I like to think that's just how she walks.
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Well, regardless of how this Edinburgh Fringe goes, I know I’ve always got Mock The Week. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read the news.
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Here's a topical joke from 1945.
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AMAZING! This guy took a photo of himself every day for two days:
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My rule is that if I wasn’t invited to someone’s wedding, they’re not invited to mine and I don’t care if that upsets my parents
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Just time for a quick coffee at the pumpkin cafe
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Can’t watch Netflix anymore because my ex-girlfriend’s brother hasn’t paid his subscription. Sort your life out mate
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Keep ringing mountain rescue to help me but my nearest What3Words are “Sorry False Alarm” and “Genuinely I’m Fine”
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.
@chortle
Hello, could you possibly change this image please as I’ve had worried relatives and friends get in touch concerned that I was in Benidorm
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Brooklyn Beckham’s wedding. So hard to photograph but incredible to see
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I hate it when you try to buy a box of Sun-Maid raisins, but accidentally purchase Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.
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Sorry can someone explain to me how the caption round works please
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If I’m late for tonight’s tour show in Leicester it’s because I followed this van five minutes out of my way to the nearest traffic lights so I could get this photo
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Finally watching The Irishman the way Scorsese intended
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[Starbucks Job Interview]
BOSS: Thanks for coming in today. I'm Graham, by the way.
ME: Did you just say 'Glahan'?
BOSS: Welcome aboard.
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“Until somebody builds a bigger Narstie”
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When you've got a ton of work to do by Derek, and it's already quarter to Linda:
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There’s a salon near me called Swanky and I’ve just spent 5 minutes trying to align the lamppost and shop awning like an Uncharted puzzle
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My (31M) girlfriend (30) went on holiday and she (38) broke into a tomb and I don’t know why she (98) did it but I think she (203) drank from the wrong grail
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There are only two kinds of World Cup dad:
Alarmingly deluded: "Germany won the last one but we beat them 5-1 so technically we're best in the world."
Insanely defeatist: "There's not a single England player who'd make Tunisia's squad."
Both are direct quotes from my dad.
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I just really get the feeling sometimes that Donald Trump doesn't know what dogs are.
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Do you remember in the early 2000s every birthday card was just an old-timey stock photo with a caption like “Janice had just done a shit!”
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My girlfriend thinks I take crazy golf way too seriously but my caddy disagrees.
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I have made the difficult decision to retire from Mock The Week. That’s right, tonight’s episode will be my last. I wish the show the very best for every future episode.
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No, I actually said "Grabn't them by the pussy."
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My name is basically just Field Field
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Twitter bios that mention relatives never speak about older generations. You never see 'Nephew to three gorgeous uncles'.
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Her head's fallen off! Quick! Call an Annboleynce.
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Video games have taught me that I'll eventually be able to upgrade my weapon to get through here.
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11 hours in and I’ve just realised I’m in the wrong queue
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There's a line in Parklife that fits with pretty much every other song.
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Why have they written this as if someone’s pissed on them
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[Beastie Boys voice]
Horsey, horsey, don't you
STOP
Just let your feet go clipity
CLOP
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If you're watching a 90s movie set in Manhattan, my dad's available for hire to point at the screen and solemnly mutter 'Twin Towers'.
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Wrote some riddles to really annoy your family this Easter
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Can someone tell me what the arrow in the top left means please, is it location services?
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"If it wasn't for them we'd all be speaking German now" is how I describe my school's exceptionally bad languages department
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Ok I’m not sure how to articulate this but J.K Simmons always looks like he used to have a moustache
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He's not even fucking trying anymore.
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You should be allowed to speak at regular volume at galleries. Oh sorry did I talk over your painting? fuck off
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If you need to get in touch with me, my email address is justmyfullnamesothatsglennmoorewithanunderscoreinthemiddleatgmaildotcom
@gmail
.com
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SHOPKEEPER: It's 10 pence for a bag.
ME: Oh, no thanks.
*Shopkeeper slaps my brand new goldfish into my open palm*
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I eat leftovers I could have saved for tomorrow, and demolish my weekly food shop in a day, but my god do I respect the order of the advent calendar.
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lol the snowman end credits can’t even spell reindeer right
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I can't work out if this card is for a good occasion or a very, very bad situation.
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"Oh, an email" - me, the second after I send an email to myself, every single fucking time.
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The Gruffalo could really do with frosted bathroom windows
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My wife specifically asked if I could tweet a sincere one
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RACHEL: Hello
RACHAEL: Haello
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JOB INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
ME: I’d say my greatest strength is listening.
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The world of Mr Blobby fancy dress hire is a dark one indeed.
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My parents excitedly rang me to say I’m in The I newspaper today so I went out to buy a copy and it just says this
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To be fair he was wearing literally the opposite of a face mask
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