Jack Bernhardt
@jackbern23
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Informative and sexy at the same time Horrible Histories; Taskmaster: People's Podcast; Dogs In Space; @footiebookclub he/him
London
Joined February 2011
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Pinned Tweet
It's
@Taskmaster
S17 Ep 3 STATS ROUND-UP:
@nomadicrevery
OUTTHINKS A BABY CARRIER
The Jobstacle-Course smashing John takes the episode (22 pts, 4.4ppt) AND the series lead, sneaking one point ahead of
@jomcnally
and
@SP1nightonly
!
#taskmaster
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Charles becoming King feels a bit like when Ed Helms took over from Steve Carrell as manager in The Office, in that it technically makes sense from a story perspective but in the back of your mind you're thinking "it would probably make more sense to end it here to be honest"
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did she just find a lamb near an abandoned church and pick it up, or did she bring the lamb to the abandoned church specifically
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I bet you today is the day they're filming Chocolate Week on the next series of Bake Off
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Just FYI if a DJ or children's entertainer tells you to "make some noise", never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they'll tell you that they can't hear you and you'll have to make even more noise
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Super weird that no Tories responded to the banking crisis by telling finance people to get another job
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My favourite aspect of Halloween is the playlists, where people clearly add songs like Zombie by the Cranberries on name alone, so at parties it goes Monster Mash, Rocky Horror, Beautiful Elegy About Intergenerational Trauma of English Violence Against Ireland, then Thriller
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As someone who really likes trains, Trainspotting (1996) was a real disappointment. How would YOU like it if I took you to see a film called "Scottish Men Taking Lots Of Drugs" and it was just real time footage of the 15.28 from Didcot Parkway
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"I mean it's three Frubes and a couple of potatoes, Michael. How much could it cost, £30?"
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Bugs Bunny won't accept any files through WeTransfer or Google Drive, the only way to send him something is as a Whatsapp doc
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"thank you for helping me with my fixed rate mortgage, horse"
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EGGS: Tee hee! You may look, fair customer, but you will never find me! Am I next to the bread? Or perchance by the milk?
ME: *goes to the milk*
EGGS: No! I'm by the binliners, inexplicably!
ME: Goddammit
ME: Now I'm by the coffee! All hail Eggs, The Scoundrel of the Supermarket!
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I run down the stairs, tears in my eyes, clutching this tweet in my hand. "WIFE! WIFE! THEY'VE DONE IT! They've stopped a Chinese student from bringing their mother over to the UK! They've delivered for the British people! All of our many, many problems are over now I assume!"
From today, the majority of foreign university students cannot bring family members to the UK.
In 2024, we’re already delivering for the British people.
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[Captain Tom's granddaughter at a Ferrari showroom]
My grandfather, Captain Tom, would want me to have this Ferrari for free
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REPORTER, WALKING UP REGENT ST: one can only imagine what Londoners are thinking now
LONDONERS: why is this prick walking SO SLOWLY
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I think it's the fact that we've all been making these sacrifices and steadily wrecking our mental health for 10 months because we were told it would get better, but now things are just getting so much worse and we're told it's our fault. It just makes it all feel pointless
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Manic Street Preachers: If you tolerate this, your children will be next
Boomers: hmm. But *I'll* be ok?
Manic Street Preachers: Well, yes, but your children-
Boomers: *tolerates this*
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exciting to think that at any moment over the next few hours, one of us could write a tweet so bad that it ends up in history books for years to come
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There's an argument to be had that Series 4 of Peep Show, where Mark and Sophie trudge joylessly towards a miserable and doomed marriage, is the grimmest series of any conventional sitcom ever, and that's before you get to the episode where they eat the dog
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Call the Midwife thematically lends itself to polio, doesn't mean you should fucking inject all their fans with it
"Doctor Who thematically lends itself to AI," said David Housden, Head of Media Inventory at the BBC.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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So the DUP's inherent bigotry, homophobia, climate change and evolution denial should disbar them from mainstream politics, full stop. But.
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Me near tourists in London: oh you child, riding on the Tube is not exciting. It is my commute. Stop treating my city like a theme park. This is not a game, this is My Life
Me as a tourist in Manchester: oh my god tram tram tram TRAM TRAM TRAM TRAM TRAAAM
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the way Dominic Cummings is being treated right now is truly terrifying, it sickens me to my core, what kind of a world is this where a white man has to tolerate questions and suffer consequences for his actions
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Wait your turn Wheatus, we're still too busy explaining the benefits of remaining in the Single Market post-Brexit to Sum 41
UK friends, has Boris Johnson’s resignation brought TM any closer to facing an election?
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Netflix cashing in on the success of Squid Game by turning it into a reality show is like Paramount cashing in on the success of Apocalypse Now by invading Vietnam
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Stop whitewashing history and let me enjoy this lovely contextless statue of a British trader who somehow became fabulously wealthy in the eighteenth century for absolutely no reason whatsoever
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In Plantagenet England there was a rule that said that if bishops grew their herbs to excessive sizes, they would be stripped of their diocese
Hence where we get the phrase "long thyme no see"
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It's important not to let the DUP's general grossness overshadow just what a colossally irresponsible move this is from TM. It's INSANE.
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@pipehugger
@AdrianXpression
Hi no you've very much missed the point, it is about how black people's history was entirely destroyed by slavery, but thanks for playing
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me being dragged out of my Tier 3 pub while claiming my packet of prawn crackers is a substantial meal
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Me as this gets retweeted outside of the circle of people it was really meant for and into extremely sensitive monarchist groups
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@pipehugger
@AdrianXpression
"How do you have any culture other than slavery if born into a slave culture?" That is literally the point. The history has been destroyed.
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in my head the letter Y is secretly really bitter that it's stuck next to all the bullshit letters at the end of the alphabet, while Q, the most bullshit letter of them all, is inexplicably living it up next to proper megastars P, R and S
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*gives cop Pepsi*
COP: you cured my racism. but not my transphobia
*gives Tango*
COP: now I'm homophobic
*gives 7Up*
COP: ooh back to racist
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Arsenal's new GK was tweeting 10 years ago when he was 13 and it's the purest thing in the world
Last night was a great pantimime as sleeping beuty and then today good day at my nans and then mcdonalds on the way home !!!!!! yay !!!!
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if this was genuinely the conclusion you came to, you have fundamentally misunderstood the role of Channel 4. Channel 4 does not compete with Netflix and Amazon. Channel 4 will not become Netflix and Amazon with privatisation. It will be swallowed alive and stripped for parts.
Channel 4 rightly holds a cherished place in British life and I want that to remain the case. I have come to the conclusion that government ownership is holding Channel 4 back from competing against streaming giants like Netflix and Amazon. 1/3
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@pipehugger
@AdrianXpression
The modern countries have been created more by colonialism than natives. A black history, without European interference, barely exists
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Andrei Shevchenko after selecting an ultra defensive line up for England on Saturday:
#EURO2020
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I just remembered the time Anthony Horowitz gave a talk at my school when I was 10 and I was so excited as I loved his books
I plucked up the courage to ask if he wanted to write books that weren't for kids, and he looked me right in the eye and said "what a stupid question"
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"I've spent 25 years designing wedding dresses in West London, one stop on from Warwick Avenue"
"Maida Vale?"
"I've done thousands mate"
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@pipehugger
@AdrianXpression
Black people were slaves in America but they had identities and cultures before they were kidnapped. Those cultures have been lost.
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I love April Fools, the one day a year when the UK media makes up a series of outrageous and unbelievable stories and tricks their audience into believing them
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Michael Caine's biggest film: A gang of British conmen try to get millions of pounds out of Europe, fail, drive a bus off a cliff instead.
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put my stab vest on backwards and now it only protects me from bats
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[HISTORY EXAM 2087]
To what extent did anger over the metric system and maroon passports cause the Anglo-Spanish War (2017-2022)?
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the biggest problem in MY day was all the fake slim shadies. you'd see a slim shady out & think "hey the real slim shady" but nope, it was another slim shady just imitating. we tried to fix it by getting the real slim shady to stand up but if anything that just made things worse
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Now in fairness, people in the entertainment industry brought this on themselves by causing the global pandemic. It's not like finance people caused the banking crisis so OH HANG ON A MINUTE I'VE GOT THAT WRONG
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This isn't that. This is horror. This is shame.
That black husk is a monument to our apathy to inequality, our othering of poor people.
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genuinely hard to work out if a Spurs fan or an Arsenal fan did this
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The moment King Charles appoints the new Prime Minister will be a momentous occasion, it'll be the first time Rishi Sunak has ever met someone living off the welfare state
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PG Wodehouse: Very Good Jeeves
18 Wodehouse: Very Fucking Good Jeeves You Daft Shit
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at no point in the rhyme do they tell you that Humpty Dumpty is a giant egg, you're just supposed to know going in apparently?
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Before today, TM's government has been criminally negligent of Northern Ireland. Think about how little you've heard about NI this election.
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Frost/Johnson
BREAKING Boris Johnson hides in fridge instead of answering Good Morning Britain questions
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Waffles refuses to believe that this is not her new bedroom
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I think of myself as relatively timid when it comes to politics: I believe that consistent incremental change within a failing system can achieve more than a scorched earth revolution
That being said, we need to rise up and burn this chaotic fucking government to the ground now
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Turns out I myself don't know what Zombie is actually about, once proving the age old golden rule of Twitter - never tweet
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Arlene Foster, who should have resigned months ago for her rank corruption, now holds more power over the UK government than...anyone?
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Let's be very clear what's happening now: Boris Johnson is cosplaying at grief. He's doing it because this is what is required at this bit of the Churchill biopic that he thinks he's starring in. He is a hateful vain man whose incompetence and cruelty has killed 100,000 people.
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I promise I'll stop talking about this soon. But.
I was taking the Tube home today, 4pm. H&C Line from Barbican to Shepherd's Bush Market.
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THEY USED THE FIRE EMOJI
LIKE HE'S FUCKING RONALDO GOING BACK TO UNITED
UNBELIEVABLE
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why do I pay my taxes for the government to build roads that I personally don't use????? I've never driven on the A12, BULLDOZE IT IMMEDIATELY
I pay the BBC licence fee and these are the only services I ever use. Good value for money...?🤷🏻♀️
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please, I'm begging you, learn about just one other British person from history
Boris Johnson embodied Churchill in the ITV leadership debate, one Telegraph reader said of the blue-on-blue clash with Jeremy Hunt
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it's amazing that Frasier has some of the greatest sitcom characters ever invented, and one of them is a dog and another one of them is never seen nor heard
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I sound like a broken record but please please please can we talk about how powersharing has collapsed in Northern Ireland?
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What I've never understood about Bake Off casting is why they had to have two presenters after Mel and Sue. Those two worked because they're a great double act but the show fundamentally doesn't need two presenters! Either give it to preexisting double acts or just one comedian!
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Should we have been having a discussion about the steady erosion of the peace process in Northern Ireland instead? YEAH MAYBE.
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Is there any other show that sets up a Great Romance between two characters in its first two series and takes away all obstacles in the third series so they discover they were a horrible couple destined to have horrible lives together, and then FORCES them to stay together
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all coffee adverts: we have been DEVOTED to creating the PERFECT CUP OF COFFEE since 1872. EVERY FIBRE of our BEING obsesses over EVERY BEAN. if our coffee EVER fell below our IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS we would EXPLODE IMMEDIATELY
all tea adverts: oooh tea's nice isn't it
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This is extremely boring and also borderline obsessive on my part but I'm pretty sure I've just spotted the special location from
@taskmaster
S13 in an episode of Midsomer Murders from 10 years ago...
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Long brown coat, white trousers, black brogues, the perfect "picking up a lamb near an abandoned church" outfit
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People are saying Boris is dumb for measuring distance like this but frankly you shouldn't judge a man until you've walked 2,414 fridges in his shoes
Keep 2 metres apart when you go outside. That’s:
🔴 1 bed
🔴 2 benches
🔴 3 fridges
🔴 4 chairs
#StayAlert
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Look Captain Tom seems like a smashing bloke but every time the government champions him they normalise the idea that vital social services should be paid for by acts of charity and it's all rather disgusting
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The Danish manager didn't want this to go to extra time, he's got a murder to solve in an abandoned warehouse in outer Copenhagen at 11pm
#EURO2020
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"and then when Joe came back in Greg disqualified him and Doc said "oh that's harsh" even though he voted for Joe to get disqualified"
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mmmhmmm, good point, the gay divorce rate before gay marriage was legalised was literally zero and now it's gone up, what an observation
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imagine if you didn't even need petrol, it's just the only kind of coffee you liked was wild bean cafe. absolute nightmare of a week
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well here's a dumb project I've been working on since the most recent series of
@taskmaster
ended - a visualisation of the horse race of the series showing how close (or not close) it was! why? who knows! but it was mildly satisfying to put together!
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Obviously that last line was supposed to come from EGGS
Unless
SHOCK TWIST: I was eggs all along
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Wow this took off, much like Captain Tom's family on their trip to Barbados during lockdown
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Power-sharing relies on a neutral UK government. If the government is beholden to one side in power-sharing, it is fatally undermined.
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Laura Daniel on Taskmaster NZ made a Brussel Sprout float longer (74 days) than Liz Truss was Prime Minister (44 days)
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ever since The Office Gervais has been almost pathologically obsessed with ensuring he's Not The Butt of the Joke - in every subsequent project, his perspective has either been the "right" one and everyone else is comically wrong (Extras, the Karl Pilkington stuff, his standup)..
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This joke was probably a lot funnier in 1996 to be honest
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YOU: Roses are red-
HENRY VI OF THE HOUSE OF YORK: you fucking what mate
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"gosh there's so many good new TV shows, how does anyone find the time to watch them" Jack says as he puts on series 7 of Taskmaster for the 10th time this year
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Any pretense that the UK government could be neutral in this is gone. Their entire existence is now dependent on the DUP.
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"against all odds", yeah it's like something out of a fairy tale isn't it
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