kasra
@kasratweets
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"I am a wow-ist. I just go around in amazement and say 'wow' at things"
New York
Joined September 2018
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in the past two years, I've hosted 35+ events, including salons, “introvert parties”, reading & meditation nights, and curiosity dinners. across all the events, we’ve had 150+ different people participate. we've had lots vulnerable conversations and many new friendships formed
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one source of relief as I've gotten older is realizing it's possible to find people who are very ambitious and also exceptionally kind and attentive
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appreciating again that 99% of making & keeping friends is just messaging people unabashedly
we've only met once? idgaf I'm inviting you to my thing
haven't spoken in 3 years? idgaf I'm inviting you to my thing
didn't respond to my last text? idgaf I'm inviting you to my thing
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honestly my one piece of advice is that you should try to develop enough self-understanding so that you can identify and ignore the 90% of advice out there that is not applicable to you
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man...a lot of people are just a little bit of encouragement away from making enormous progress on the things they wanna do
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the most effective therapists are 10x better than the average therapist
the least effective therapists actively make their patients worse
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wrote a post about the concept of waiting for real life to start
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marriage as a cheatcode for getting more out of life because you and you partner can optimize for different things (money, career, community) and reap the benefits of both of them
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@startingfromnix
yes! reminds me of
@erikphoel
’s essay on why we need art, not just entertainment
“Art exists in an uncanny valley of familiarity—art is like a dream that some higher being, more aesthetically sensitive, more empathetic, more intelligent, is having.”
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hosted a night of "public speaking & improv games" and it was an absolute hoot
we did:
- tournament where you defeat your opponent by repeating a tongue twister more times in a row than them
- give a presentation on the spot with a slide deck provided to you
- read out, with
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I think a lot of people suffer from a lack of what I'd call “true rest.” not “rest in order to be more productive tomorrow,” not “rest to avoid burning out,” but just resting into existence for its own sake. bathing in the universe as it presents itself to you in this moment
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what do you do when you discover you're not as smart as you hoped?
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this paper on collective intelligence by
@drmichaellevin
is one of the most mind-blowing things I've read in a while
it's full of examples of the under-appreciated intelligence of biological systems, with some deep perspective shifts on our understanding of ourselves
thread:
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I think in high school I developed this model that the most ambitious/successful people are also cutthroat and uncaring. and sure, there are people like this, but I'm no longer convinced it's universal, or even the most common case
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realized recently that there's no deadline on making close friends. I was worried that if I don't have a group of lifelong close friends "locked down" by 30 then I'm doomed to a life of solitude. but people keep making new friends into their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc etc
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I really admire people who view life and creation as fundamentally good things
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one of the weird things about mastery is that as you get really good at something, it starts to become effortless, and if it's effortless for long enough, you forget that it was ever effortful at all. you just think "anyone could do this", you haven't "mastered" anything
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this line shook me: “the ego would much rather see its host dead than see itself dead"
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I like the idea of defining ambition as “a willingness to acknowledge what you’re actually capable of”
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like this is the kind of thing that in the past I would've felt awkward around (maybe even still slightly awkward with it). but literally no one gives a F. they appreciate hearing from you. if they're not available they'll just say so. if they're annoyed with you then so be it
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how to transform your social life:
- make it a game to initiate as much as possible
- share your thoughts/work/art on the internet
- host things
- notice when you are identifying yourself as "a desperate loser"
- be honest and interested in others
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agency is a skill, it's a habit you can cultivate. gratitude is a skill, it's a habit you can cultivate. love is a skill, it's a habit you can cultivate. resilience is a skill, it's a habit you can cultivate. presence is a skill, it's a habit you can cultivate. patience is a
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if you're going to do something out of obligation, do the shit out of it anyway. don't do it begrudgingly, don't be half in half out. you're already doing it so you might as well enjoy it. treat the task (and yourself) with honor and respect
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"You want to stop feeling self-critical? Stop secretly telling yourself you’re better than people when you see them struggling."
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I wrote about the difficulty of keeping your friends close as time passes and life circumstances change
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the idea that the body would use sleepiness to block out unwanted emotions has always sounded completely wild to me because it seems like the "sleep system" and the "emotions system" are/should be separate things, but I have heard people claim this. is this a thing?
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I had this flip recently where philosophical problems suddenly became way less interesting to me. problems that I've repeatedly come back to with fascination, like moral realism vs relativism, or the hard problem of consciousness, suddenly felt like a giant waste of time
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ok I have a very basic question
you keep seeing story after story of people being like "I climbed to the pinnacle of success, and I wasn't happy"
and again and again, you still see people desperately trying to get to that same spot
how have we, collectively, not resolved this?
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actually insane that this was me a year ago
nowadays I'm constantly asking people to hang out without a second thought, social life feels 10x more rich than last year (in both depth & breadth of connections)
my social life is vastly inhibited by my unwillingness to ask people to hang out because I'm afraid of being rejected/ignored
I'm gonna try out this game where I push myself to send messages to a few friends/acquaintances every weekend and feel the discomfort/fear clearly
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oh right, 80% of good listening is being very very comfortable with silence, and being very very comfortable with the other person expressing negative feelings (rather than trying to immediately “fix” it for them)
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there are so many ways to live a good life, there is no right answer
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your closest friends don't have to have the same ambitions or even the same interests as you. they just have to be open and loving enough to support you in your own
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you gotta be learnmaxxing. always be learning the most random obscure shit. solve the exercises at the back of the book. watch hours of youtube tutorials by a random high schooler in his basement. a day spent without reading textbooks or papers is a day wasted. acquire KnOwLedGe
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getting out of depressive ruts requires both supreme between self-compassion and also a “stop being a lil piece of shit” attitude
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I've been cohosting a series of “potluck + demo night” events where a group of us comes together to share food, and everyone presents a 5min talk on something they've been working on or thinking about
it's always a special night and the range of talks we've had is quite wild
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the biggest antidote I've seen to feeling fixated on status is to watch people walk into a party who are eminently comfortable with themselves, but who have no legible reason for being so. which makes you go: “wait, you can just _be_ that confident? without money/fame/etc?”
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ahh the amount of suffering people will endure to fit their life to an image they had somewhat arbitrarily latched onto as a child
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principles for maintaining social life in nyc (while staying sane):
- accept that you will always be behind on texts
- carve out 1-2 nights/week for silence
- be completely shameless asking people to hang on short notice
- aim for 50/50 balance of spontaneous vs planned hangouts
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hosted a “storytelling night” last week with a bunch of friends – everyone shared a 5-10min personal story with the prompt of “taking the leap”
people talked about everything from leaving relationships to switching industries to moving to new continents
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I used to think my problem was that I didn’t have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do. so I gave myself all the time in the day to do the all things I wanted to do, and to my surprise I was not any happier
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the loneliness of a big city: many transient connections, very little interdependence
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I wrote an essay about hosting. it's about my experience hosting more intentional gatherings, finding others doing the same, and how we need even more thoughtful hosts & social spaces
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I feel like philosophy is a thing everyone should be doing part-time and no one should be doing full-time
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anti-meditation instruction: sit still for 10mins and try to get as distracted as possible. forget that you're meditating. any time you remember you're meditating, try as quickly as possible to get lost in thought again
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increasingly appreciating that there need not be a strong separation between "fixing your psychological problems" and "doing actual things in the world". they are not mutually exclusive
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sf vs nyc vibecheck so far
• sf is SO SMALL. yes ok it's obvs a smaller population but it's weird bc it literally feels like everyone vaguely knows each other/follows each other on twitter. this is interesting but also offputting somewhat (feels like college in good and bad
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idea: start making small life decisions based on the flip of a coin, to practice surrendering to the universe and relinquishing your need to control every aspect of your life
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having a good network is useful only to the extent that you are willing to ask people for things
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"now whenever I dream about love, I think about all the potential idiosyncrasies, the details you can unlock only when you've shared a lot of life with someone"
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I’ve always wondered what the ‘function’ of a constant inner monologue is, and this passage really clarifies it: it gives you a sense of protection and control over the world
if you stop inner narrating for a few moments, there’s this sudden, jarring feeling of nakedness
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we don't appreciate the extent to which music is fast-acting mood-altering substance. you can choose from a huge variety of moods and beam them onto your brain
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kinda interesting how for many years I just didn't get the point of reading fiction. I was like "why read that? it's made up, I want the TRUTH"
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one consequence of keeping yourself in a bad situation for a long time is that you lose trust in your ability to get out of bad situations in the future
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ok friends I did it, I quit my job and am taking time off to write and explore my curiosities
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dimensions of friend closeness:
- how easily you can say what’s on your mind
- how many hours you can spend with them without getting tired/bored
- how much they can comfort you in moments of need
- how reliable they are
- how much joy they bring you
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@thinkagainer
that's insane. reminds me of this one. hard to believe but A and B are the exact same shade
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ambition can be status-oriented ("how can I be more like these successful people?") or it can be curiosity-oriented ("what am I holding back? what am I afraid to ask for?")
it can come from a place of inadequacy (a need to "catch up"), or it can come from a place of self-respect
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full paper is "Waiting for supershrink: an empirical analysis of therapist effects" by Okiishi et al (2003)
some caveats to the study: limited sample (91 therapists & 1841 patients), one outcome measure (a self-reported questionnaire), and limited to a university counseling
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biparasocial relationship: where you both consume a lot of each other's work but barely / never interact directly
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stages of friendship closeness:
1. you run into each other at parties/events
2. you plan "formal" hangouts ahead of time (schedule coffee, group dinner, etc)
3. more "informal" hangouts on short notice (come over to just chill, etc.)
4. you feel comfortable showing up unannounced
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nowadays I see almost all the important things as a slow burn, investments that will take years to bear fruit. daily writing practice, daily meditation; nurturing friendships, building community; learning programming, studying psychology
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oh, you wanna solve the loneliness epidemic? have you considered checking in on your friends more often?
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"you have to find some joy in the process, because there is no end to the process, until you die. and you shouldn't be deferring joy to death"
enjoyed this off-the-cuff musing on life from
@visakanv
's recent vlog
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a few months ago I brought up feelings of asymmetry in a friendship, and it was one of the best interactions about friendship I've had
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if you have a people-pleasing tendency, based on a fear of other people disliking you, it helps to ask yourself: would I rather have some people dislike me, or be so dismissive of my own needs that I start to dislike myself?
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if you keep confusing false urgency (e.g. craving to scroll feeds) with real urgency (things that you genuinely deem important and aligned with your values) you will become increasingly incapable of dealing with any urgency at all
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interesting observation: forgetting isn't just a "failure" of memory systems but may actually be a _requirement_ for generalization and abstraction
people who remember every single detail of every experience have a harder time generalizing
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being comfortable rejecting others goes hand in hand with being comfortable getting rejected. it's like, really embracing the fact that asymmetries can exist. you have the power to hurt people and people have the power to hurt you. there's no escaping this
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you are under no obligation to double down on the mistakes of your past self
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there are many reasons why you might find yourself wanting/needing to make new friends in later adulthood. e.g. my parents moved to a new continent in their early 40s, and have continued to make new friends in the decades since. it's harder, sure, but it's still possible
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one benefit of meditating is something Shinzen Young calls “reducing the viscosity of the mind”, it’s basically reducing mental friction, such that events come and go with less lingering and fixation
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I'm a big fan of broadening your circles as you get older, making new friends as you grow and evolve etc, but there's something so unbeatably cozy about hanging out with high school friends
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this is from "the cult of genius", which I found from terry tao's blog "does one have to be a genius to do maths?"
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the best way I know to reckon with a world that’ll always find ways to evaluate your worth: take yourself out of the picture, stretch the limits of your love.
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there are a lot of directions Midnight Cafe could go, and I brainstorm some possibilities in this post, as well as shouting out some of the other great orgs working in this area. hit me up if you'd like to join in or create something together 🙏
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question for people like me—whose fatal flaw is to try to do too many things at once, bc you're so excited by different things, and you actually end up doing a decent job at all of them, but not a great job at any one thing—did you ever change? or did you stay that way forever?
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I am a gregarious extrovert around the nerdy stem kids and an awkward introvert around the artsy theatre kids
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trying to create a semi-regular space in nyc for an introvert-friendly kind of gathering, where we have space for games & interesting conversation, but also the opportunity to just sit in quiet, read, reflect, journal, etc
wanna participate, cocreate, cohost? let's talk
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a big part of finding your path in life is deciding which kinds of bullshit you're willing to tolerate
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lately I've been experimenting with a "do nothing" practice. not a shinzen young "do nothing", but literally just setting a timer and doing nothing. I just kinda sit there, think whatever, look around, shift my posture as needed
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the question that arose is: “where is this philosophizing going?” what am I actually learning here, what progress am I making?
one metric I now consider before going deeper on a topic is: “if I were to give a 15min crash course on this, would I have something meaningful to say?”
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there's a specific subset of people for whom the best productivity advice is to stop thinking about productivity
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above all, I learned that people want social spaces that diverge from the nyc norm of going out drinking / partying etc. those can be fun, but why do they have to be the only option? people want more opportunities to sit, talk, read, together. why don't we do this more??
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one of the core themes of Levin's work is thinking of "cognition" as taking place at all levels of organization in biology – all the way down to organs, tissues, and genetic networks, and conversely all the way up to swarms of organisms and societies, and even the biosphere
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I'm starting to appreciate the areas where I have much more knowledge than the complete beginner, even though it feels like I know nothing. like writing and coding. I still have much to learn in both but it's wild to think about how much better I've gotten over the years
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one of my favorite ways to snap back into the present and appreciate life is to notice the absurdity of everything.
like, oh yea, we're on this giant spinning ball. there are 200 billion trillion stars out there. our great great [great^n] grandparents looked like this
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thinking about rephrasing every single “lmk if ur interested” to “are you interested?” so I can be more comfortable asking for things directly and opening myself up to a “no”
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"follow your curiosity" can sound rather frivolous, but "your curiosity" is an extremely informative force, a kind of intelligence. your subconscious points your curiosity towards things that are likely to have personal relevance, novelty, usefulness, etc
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"never giving up" is not "never having a single moment in which you want to give up". it's having those moments and eventually coming back to your path despite them
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