Chris Webb
@chrisporkerwebb
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Following
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Welsh Kiwi. Nice ear lobes. I'm often a giggling simpleton on @StillAnyGoodPod .
From further south than you
Joined November 2014
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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About 5 months ago my dad's cat Chico went missing. They did the usual searches, but eventually accepted that he was gone. Yesterday they tearfully got rid of his bed, feeding trays, etc. This morning, he jumped on their bed and yowled for food.
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He was clean and VERY well fed, so it looks like he's been looked after elsewhere.
I just love that the cheeky git waited until they'd got rid of everything before turning up again.
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Found it!!!
Recently a photo appeared on my work intranet of me and a colleague delivering a presentation. But the way the room is lit, there's a shadow that makes it look like my colleague is bumming a ghost.
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@mrdavidwhitley
@MysteriosoX
That sheep is in Tirau, NZ isn't it? Right next to their tourist info office.
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@itsjoelstweets
@jxckcper
@shewithcapitalV
My daughter tried to do a selfie and the cat conveniently yawned.
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I see LF is boycotting Costa. That's one latte and two small chocolate shakes they won't be getting every second Saturday of the month.
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@Lapsedcat
Many years ago I worked as a shelf stacker in Fine Fare. I used the word 'proximity' in conversation. One guy was so furious he'd never heard the word before, I had to tell him I'd made it up, or he was going to kick my head in.
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@WSMV
Here's the world's longest camel, standing in the world's biggest grain of sand. Double record!!
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@BoringEnormous
And if you want a bit of back story, here's what was happening last September. I'm beginning to think Mo is the ringleader.
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At last. The Freddie Boswell Movie we've all been waiting for.
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To spare you the time of reading, it's:
- Superstars when Kevin Keegan fell off his bike
- The Dexy's "Jocky Wilson" thing on TOTP
- Jacquie out of Grange Hill saying "grand pricks"
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@FergusCraig
@marcusbrig
Happy new year from the future. It's all hoverboards and silvery spacesuits down here.
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"There are 3 rules you must follow: First of all, don't follow him. Second, don't retweet his posts, not even if its a good video. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never give him any money"
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@marksmithstuff
@Scientits
Is this a Two Ronnies sketch? Presumably the next question was "Name Den & Angie Watts' daughter".
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@BoringEnormous
Hot off the press, here's July 2018. Great that Burny's decided to go straight. But it seems Flip has something to hide ...
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Saw this car parked down the road again this morning. Can't wait for the high octane action thriller where John Travolta and Nicolas Cage exhange buttocks.
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@jennyjaffe
Only 2 days ago I heard a male colleague explain how gambling works. He talked over her when she said "Yes I know. I was the manager of a casino for 6 years".
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I'm posting this again because it's a popular telly show and I want likes.
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@Jamti
Joe Hill: "Hi. I'd like to submit some Who scripts"
BBC: "You must be joking!"
Joe Hill: "Yes, but professionally I use the surname 'Hill'".
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This tweet has gone a little silly, so it's time for the obligatory plug:
Like most middle-aged men, I do a film podcast. So if that boils your potatoes, why not pay a visit to
@StillAnyGoodPod
. Thanks x
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@michaellegge
I was once on the train and some lad was playing Killing In The Name Of really loud. When it got to the "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me", he turned it up. Someone asked him to turn it down, so he went "Righto. Sorry!" and switched it off.
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You'd Better Watch Out. Beadle's About.
Write a 6 word story that tells the story of this photo — and quickly post your 6 words here:
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@meganamram
@ladycariad
My wife once watched a Miramax movie on the telly and said nothing. So if you think about it she's just as much to blame
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My dog's just dropped her first solo album since leaving the manufactured pop band, and wants to be taken seriously.
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Daughter has finished painting her Frozen porcelain set. Sweet dreams, everyone.
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Wait till they're joined by 80 Bernie Cliftons.
More than 80 captive ostriches escaped from a farm and were seen racing through the streets of Chongzuo in China.
Videos of the ostriches soon went viral on social media and attracted the attention of local police.
Latest videos here:
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@MJowen174
@flamingnora
I'd bet a tenner the best man's speech contained the gag "you're a braver man than me"
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@BoringEnormous
To be fair, hapsters are an endangered species. There are literally none of them
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I'm not really sure why, but I just had a strange urge to share this
@thewonder_stuff
song with you all
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Recently a photo appeared on my work intranet of me and a colleague delivering a presentation. But the way the room is lit, there's a shadow that makes it look like my colleague is bumming a ghost.
please tell me about a time you laughed so hard you cried. (not from tv/movies/internet. It has to be an IRL situation) Even if it’s an inside joke and you don't think it will be funny to anyone else - i still want to hear it. thank you
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Yesterday I went into the Vodafone shop, looking at getting Grace a new phone for Xmas. I have never felt more like this in my entire life.
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@TheSimonBarrett
My mum & dad came to visit so I took them out for a curry. Naturally they couldn't eat it all. I couldn't remember the word 'leftovers' so I asked the waiter for "a box for my parents' remains".
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@Stan_And_Ollie
Would have loved it if they'd done a Twice Two in the movie and cast John C Reilly and Steve Coogan as the wives
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Map shows the best-selling Welsh artists by county of origin.
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I honestly thought this was a photo of Bill Murray in Caddyshack.
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"When we were both children, William put his hand up to my face and tore my nose off. To make matters worse he then goaded me by waving it in front of me - I could actually see it poking through his fingers. He quickly put it back, but I'll never forget what he did".
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@PlopGazette
When I worked for City Council, I once issued a court summons to a famous right wing comedian for not paying their Council Tax. Not saying which one, though.
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I think all you japesters should stop calling it Barbenheimer and instead refer to it as Ken Doll Nagasaki.
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@abbygov
When I was 4 my grandparents had a birthday party for my grandad. A huge family, so dozens of guests. I turned up wearing my grandad's false teeth in my mouth.
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@arb
@MysteriosoX
I have high-fived both Captain Feathersword and Wags the dog. This has absolutely nothing to do with your tweet, but I like to boast about it.
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When you thought the decade couldn't get any worse, TVNZ delivers one final kick in the teeth.
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"Earlier on today a woman rang the BBC and said she'd heard that fish was sorted. Well, if you're watching, it categorically isn't"
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Grace bought herself a Nirvana t-shirt with her birthday money. I've just given her a bit of top fatherly advice:
"If some prat with a beard asks you about your t-shirt, just say 'bleachnevermindinutero, now piss off', and quickly walk away."
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@bechillcomedian
@TheNewsAtGlenn
- OK, it's a sanctuary for owls. But we want it to have the sense that the birds are free, and not incarcerated.
- Got it.
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@peachesanscream
A couple of years ago I was delivering a tax seminar to new businesses. At the end I asked if there were any questions. An elderly lady raised her hand and said "Has anyone ever told you that you have lovely earlobes?"
I often wonder how her business is doing.
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The world could show nothing to me,
So what good would living alright do me...
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@Herring1967
If you think that's bad...
When you thought the decade couldn't get any worse, TVNZ delivers one final kick in the teeth.
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A group of immortal yellowcoats battle to the death to the sound of Queen singing 'Holiday Rock'. The final showdown between MacLeod and The Kathcart is incredible.
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@robmanuel
@fesshole
When my daughter was born, someone suggested Charlotte as a name. It's a lovely name obviously, but it took all my strength not to press my driving licence to their face and shout "have you seen my surname?"
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@robmanuel
@ryandroyd
I sometimes think how people would have reacted to the release of Let's Go To Bed if Twitter was around back then, coming immediately after Pornography.
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@graceyldn
I posted this and someone replied, telling me off for mocking the memory of Kelly Preston.
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My daughter didn't know what to draw. When I suggested "do a picture of us", this isn't quite what I had in mind.
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John Travolta and Nicolas Cage exhange buttocks in this high octane action thriller.
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@BradfemlyWalsh
@caoimhinof
Whenever I have a meal with my dad he's guaranteed to say "knowing you, you'll drop that on the floor!". This is a reference to the time in a cafe in Swansea when I dropped a sausage on the floor. In 1976.
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It's been 4 years since this superb joke got 1 like on Facebook. Thanks, Rob.
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@jonronson
By the end I could really relate to The Staircase. It felt like a quarter of my life had passed, and I'd have cut any deal for it to be over.
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The new series of Stranger Things has some fun 80s references.
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