Rob Manuel 🍳
@robmanuel
Followers
43,886
Following
884
Media
12,873
Statuses
114,307
I do @b3ta / @fesshole / @anon_opin - email: robmanuel @ gmail dot com - Buy The New Fesstament:
In your phone.
Joined March 2007
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++ PIG BREEDS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE FONTS ++
Aksai Black Pied
Basque
Beijing Black
Breitovo
British Landrace
Chato Murciano
Iberian
Juliana
Mangalitsa
++ FONTS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE PIG BREEDS ++
Cholla Slab
Gloucester
Granjon
Perpetua
Rockwell
Cloister Black
Wilson Greek
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This might be the best ad I've ever seen - I mean, you go from having no interest to considering signing up in about 10 seconds.
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I asked AI to draw the Beatles drinking the platonic ideal of a cup of tea and it's invented an additional Beatle and I can't decide which one isn't the real Beatle.
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I'm finishing two days in a Premier Inn and having breakfast, doing a bit of light work on my laptop and vaguely thinking I could live here. What do I really need? I've got bed, a desk, wi-fi, a shower and unlimited breakfast sausages. Then I realised I've become Alan Partridge.
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I see not wanting to needlessly die is a left-wing opinion now
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Twitter is a dating service for matching strangers with the hills that they didn’t know they wanted to die on
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A vote for Brexit is a vote for a man who doesn't understand how capos work.
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I once wrote a bot that found people replying to Prison Paul and then replied to them with a UK TV catchphrase and saw how long it it could keep it going. It was quite effective.
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The Twitter experience perfectly encapsulated in two tweets
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This man is in spitting distance of becoming Prime Minister and he doesn't even understand how capos work
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Get your 'Twitter racist' name by taking your dad's name and adding about 6 random numbers to it & setting up a profile with an English flag
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We live in such times that the culture war is raging in Dear Deidre
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Quite an expansion from the normal two but it's brave new world and I welcome it
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@YannyBruere
@stormzy
Why didn't you raise £50k to help homeless off the streets instead of making a weird balloon?
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This comment on the Guardian Ghostbusters review must win some sort of prize for weirdness
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Love this shot. Maid sorting the bed whilst the rich artists wait to do their protest. Photographer totally saw the moment and took it.
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@Twitter
|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
PLEASE SHUT DOWN
TWITTER AT 10:30PM
SO PEOPLE
CAN SLEEP
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
\ (•◡•) /
\ /
---
| |
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All the royal palaver has alerted me to one thing I think is oddly cool, which I’ve just nipped out to photo. I live a couple of mins walk from this postbox, which is one of about 130 marked E VIII R, produced in 1936, for the soon to abdicate King.
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Enjoyed this comment on a clip of The Cure playing in 1980
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Maybe if the BBC had a channel called BBC Respect and it just broadcast flags and photos of important Tories and Royals all day and then the rest of the output could be left alone?
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This is the best way to negotiate. She's going to be great at Brexit.
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Toby Young is taking his forced resignation well
Man overdoses on Viagra in airport, strips naked and hurls his own poo at everyone
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For anyone worried about their A-level results remember that it's too late to stop climate change & most of you will die fighting for water
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Most tweets are improved by reading them in a faux cockney accent and then shouting 'PARKLIFE!'
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Weeds will, weeds will, wreck you
Brian May hospitalised after tearing buttock muscles while gardening
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This is a real story & not a metaphor for leaving the EU.
But it also serves as an EXACT metaphor for leaving the EU
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What is the best rhyme in pop? And if you don't think it's ABBA's Super Trouper with Glasgow/last show then you are wrong.
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Just wrote some code that took film names and ran them through a thesaurus - here's a few I liked
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What Alex From A Clockwork Orange Looks Like Now Is Shocking
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Well my joke has resulted in Lily Allen changing her Twitter name.
I'm not going to be able to top that am I?
That's my Twittering done.
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I think a hook that went "big mix, little mix, cardboard box" would be everywhere if you do it.
Song writing again today. What concepts would you like to hear us sing about? :) jade x
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An unfamiliar toddler just snowballed my crotch in the street & shouted triumphantly at his father “I got that man in the penis”
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Well this sucks.
@fesshole
suspended and I don't know why. I'm very happy to try and make the account work within the rules of Twitter - but I don't know what we've done wrong. 900k followers in the bin! Is there anyone at Twitter who can explain what's going on?
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The Beatles' Drive My Car lyrics put through code that looks up each word in a thesaurus and picks a random one
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Friend once interviewed Morrissey in LA for a TV show. He received an angry fax demanding the interview be refilmed as vegetarian Morrissey had been filmed sitting on a leather chair. That this leather chair was Mozzer's own and in his own home was beside the point.
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If there's something strange in you neighbourhood. Who you gonna call?
THE COUNCIL
If there's something weird and it don't look good. Who you gonna call?
THE POLICE
If you're seeing things running through your head? Who you gonna call?
NHS HOTLINE
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New £2 is as sinister as fuck.
"There's skulls on our money. Are we the bad guys?"
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So apparently "bite" means "penis" in French which makes this poster kind of wonderful. Know any others?
http://t.co/zNrjoPf3cQ
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Turns out that someone from a younger generation absolutely nailing a song from my youth is a fantastic way to make me go “yeah actually Harry Styles is alright isn’t he”
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It's a tragedy that the BBC is so cowed by fear of Tories chopping them up and selling bits off that this article buries the lede that 88% of Tory political ads mislead as compared to 0% for Labour. Still, they published it, which is better than nothing.
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About 14% of adults in the UK still smoke if you're wondering how many people can ignore unambiguous medical evidence because it's clashes with what they want to do anyway.
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The only 5G conspiracy theory you need is that we wouldn't need more bandwidth if the advertising industry could write competent code that didn't turn every website into unusable, slow-loading mess.
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I'm not saying the left always brings a quinoa salad to a gun fight but the Guardian did just publish this
Why poetry is the perfect weapon to fight Donald Trump
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My 10 y/o son just asked to borrow a rubber glove. This is what he’s been doing.
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Out of respect to the Queen we're going to continue publishing
@b3ta
,
@fesshole
and
@swearclock
. It's what she would have wanted.
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The little X by each of these phrases means these are
@LouiseMensch
's own searches and NOT autocompletes
http://t.co/k24QbtfLmN
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Daily Mail stasi digging through this woman's background to find anything to make people hate her are struggling here. "Really likes rabbits" is pretty weak.
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Men. Please start phoning each other up again for a chat instead of launching new podcasts. Thank you.
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@trussliz
One day in power. Gotta respect your long game.
In this clip from 1994, Leeds student Liz Truss tells ITV News the idea of the monarchy is 'disgraceful'.
Today she meets the queen to be appointed as the new PM.
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As there is a surprising amount of interest in this - this was the sequence of prompts that brought this odd picture forth - and also me quizzing GPT4 to try and get it to explain itself
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BREAKING First pictures of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds' secret Westminster wedding
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I'm loving laughing at Theresa May's failure. But we are basically the passengers on the Titanic giggling at captain crashing into iceberg.
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Amazon should have a system, for repeat customers, where stuff comes in reusable boxes, and they take away the boxes with your next delivery. And bloody reuse them. Sort that out Bezos, you rich space twat.
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Increasingly uncomfortable with Facebook doing this. I live 6 miles away. Feels like they're adding to people's stress to drive engagement.
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I've got a counter hot take on the Trump portrait. It's good. A portrait should reveal something about a subject, and with Trump's approval of this print, with old presidents in thrall to him, it reveals Trump craving the respectability and status he doesn't have.
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If there's anything right in this world, this should be his bacon sandwich moment.
Tell me you've never seen a hammer before without telling me you've never seen a hammer before.
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As a public service broadcaster I genuinely think the BBC should make long form gaming vlogger videos on YouTube but presented by people who aren't sexist, alt-right or swearing all the time. Parents need this as it's what kids watch.
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@b3ta
Working at small agency & our big client was Greenpeace. An email came in from supporter asking what we were going to do about saving the whales. Sent group email to office saying “the plan is to eat them - the white meat of the sea” And yes accidentally sent it to supporter...
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Just donated to Wikipedia after noticing Elon Musk taking potshots at it. It's amongst best things the internet has to offer and one of the few websites that's not shitter than it was 10 years ago. Protect it.
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No YOU bought an old ZX Spectrum game on tape because the title suggests something different 30 odd years later
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@LincolnJopp
@BBCNewsnight
The camera person following it. "Oh god, this is good, he's doing it, he's doing it, pan and zoom"
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Idly sticking random opinions from
@anon_opin
into a Guardian meme template and honestly I think they'd publish the lot
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The worst trend on CDs was the bonus track that kicks in after 20 minutes of silence.
I know this was years ago, but I'm still angry.
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Replace one word of a film title with “low effort engagement for easy numbers”
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I found it
Not long till they drop the No10 Christmas party Spotify playlist
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OK we're back. Made me delete one of the confessions, which fuck it, I'm fine with deleting one of them, just happy to have the account back. (I won't tell you which one I had to delete, as that would be republishing it and asking for trouble.)
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Why can't we just clap them instead of paying them more?
BREAKING: MPs to get £3,300 pay rise as coronavirus puts millions of jobs at risk
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I know accusations of hypocrisy slide off the right like shit off a shovel but this is a glorious self-own from Nadine Dorries MP
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Finally science can clone her from DNA and build theme park with a real live Brontësaurus
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Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger - MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!
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Resisting K*t*e H*pk*ns mattered when she was on TV and had a big column in a series of national newspapers. Now she's just someone shouting shit on a Twitter account. Let her fade and whither.
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Yes Terri, sounds like you did kill her & you should probably turn yourself in to the police instead of writing to That's Life magazine
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You know what would be cool? If every time someone was born we planted an acorn. And then you could go and visit your tree as you grow up, and it would be next to your parents' trees which would be bigger. And there's Auntie Mable, who's gone now but her tree is 140 years old.
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Other names Denny Laine considered before joining WIngs:
Alan Rigby
Dave Tripper
Laddy Madonna
Barry Thatweight
Chas Onion
Lenny Bee
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Internet. Stop what you are doing. We have new word meaning dickhead.
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Who's still with the same bank because they offered £20 or something to sign up as a student and you were too lazy to ever bother changing? What a fucking genius bit of marketing that was.
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The people calling "fake" on this like I'm trying to fool anyone. There's three clues:
1. She would never say anything like this
2. That's not her name
3. She doesn't actually have four eyes
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It's quite the look - not technically nazi, more like design on a sci-fi show where they they do the nazi-planet episode
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I’ve written code that picks a random song that charted in UK charts, gets my laptop to “say” it to Alexa so Spotify will play it. Robots talking to robots.
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Looking forward to this sitcom where Kathy Burke and Harry Enfield play two working class builders who stick on some wigs and posh voices to sneak into a parliament bar to pull "posh totty" and accidentally end up in government
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Sing like no one is listening; dance like nobody’s watching;
write with the confidence of a tech journalist who's never dabbled with anything technical.
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Please reply to this tweet with a mundane personal anecdote and I’ll respond “didn’t happen”
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A bot that looks for people saying "you lost, get over it" and replies with this image with their profile pic stuck in the middle
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Siri. Show me the most depressing Christmas ever.
Watching the Queen’s speech earlier today. Merry Christmas!
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