Edna St. Vincent Malaise
@FinchinABQ
Followers
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Following
1,867
Media
8,141
Statuses
128,251
Not all who wander are lost, but I definitely am. She/her. DC ➡️ ABQ.
Albuquerque, NM, USA
Joined April 2017
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
I’m at the health crisis. I’m at the climate crisis. I’m at the infrastructure crisis. I’m at the combination health-climate-infrastructure crisis.
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They keep doing this study, and they keep learning that it works, and they keep withholding money from people after that.
A universal basic income experiment in California — which gave randomly selected residents $500 per month for two years, no strings attached — measurably improved people's job prospects, financial stability and overall well-being, a new study finds.
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It’s not too late to cancel your Christmas travel plans. If your family is mean to you, cancel. If the weather is too dangerous, cancel. If you don’t want to catch a virus, cancel. You can just stay home. I love you. ❤️
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@ginnyhogan_
This reminds me of this Australian Covid tracing sketch I love:
What's the secret behind NSW's Covid Contact Tracing? Find out by watching this sketch i wrote with
@ninaoyama
for the
@chaser
's war on 2020. Directed by
@jennaown
&
@vzerbst
who also star in it and made it v good imo.
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@ThreatNotation
Just every single time the choir gets through the a cappella section, and then the pianist starts back up, and it becomes painfully obvious you’ve gone a whole-step flat while unaccompanied. 😬
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@Frediculous
White people want to be seen as the default. We are “normal,” and everyone else is an “other.”
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
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@RyanFMandelbaum
Sorry for the serious answer to your joke tweet, but I just read this book and it was so interesting I wanted to share it. INSIDE OF A DOG by Alexandra Horowitz.
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*clenches fist*
What's a tweet that's so canonical in your mind you make shorthand reference to it, even if people might not know what you're talking about? (I sometimes just say "uh oh y'all it's gettin' kinda hazy" expecting people to get it)
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How’s my sexy single Saturday night going? Well, I was trying on the new clothes I ordered, and I got tangled up so badly in a zipper that my dad just had to drive over here and free me using a pair of needle nose pliers.
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Who are the good guys in all of this? Probably not the CEOs making life so difficult that a 95-year-old feels compelled to picket in the summer heat.
Let's hear it for 95-year-old acting legend Rosemary Harris, who was seen walking the SAG-AFTRA picket line outside of Netflix in NYC today.
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“Nearly 25% of mothers go back to work within two weeks of giving birth. To give you a sense of where human mothers fall on the legal protection hierarchy, it’s illegal to separate a dog from her newborn pups before eight weeks in several states.”
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This type of smart, walkable, mixed-use community is illegal to build in many American cities.
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@Jamberee13
@janicesghost
I’ve absolutely been yelled at for this! So has my mom. (Maybe shallow fingerprints are genetic?)
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Do not speak to me of the old magic. I was there when it was written.
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@zachsilberberg
About eight years ago, I suddenly burst out to my coworker in the next cubicle, “Ludacris’s given name is CHRIS!”
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@ThreatNotation
You’re getting dangerously close to wholesome here. You might want to watch out for your brand. 💕
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Every weekend should be three days long. You need one day to do something fun, one day to do your chores, and one day to actually rest.
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@AnniemuMary
God, being a teenager is HARD. I think it’s harder for teens now that it was for me, one mile after lunch notwithstanding.
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🚨SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT🚨
I would like to introduce you to:
HIGGINS
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Lord, I’ve seen what you’ve done for others.
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Let me be clear: totally transparent, in fact. I want to be completely invisible.
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“This is horrific, but it happens a lot. A LOT a lot.”
A lot of y’all love using ableism to put down the candidate you like the least but can’t stand being confronted with the results of that when it looks like this:
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Okay, I’ve used the Flo Mask in public a few times now. Here are my thoughts:
🧵
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Roses are red
Higgins is black
He’s cute but he neither
Protecc nor attack
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Pete Davidson, when the walls fell
Pete Davidson trending whenever there's a celeb breakup, his name becoming synonymous with "there's been a high-profile separation." In the near future, you will merely have to intone the words "Pete Davidson" and your friends will nod, knowing your parents are getting a divorce
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@wrath_776
@chronicallybeee
“If you’re incapable of thinking for yourself…”? When you’re the only person wearing a mask, how is that following the crowd?
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Unpopular food opinion: everything you’ve ever eaten in your life has been “genetically modified.”
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cache ≠ cachet
cache - pronounced "cash," rhymes with "stash." It means a stash of stuff, like weapons or provisions.
cachet - pronounced "cash-ay," rhymes with "sashay." If something has cachet, it has prestige.
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Spinstr
I should start a platonic matchmaking service where eccentric old women and silly young girls can be paired up to have tea together
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Keep your fucking cats indoors and don’t perform CPR on wild animals! Jesus Christ!
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*sees self in mirror*
"Lookin' good, feelin' good! Let's do this!"
*sees self in photograph*
"Why is Jabba the Hutt wearing my sweater??"
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Oooh, this is cool, guys. Following the leadership of black women has never steered us wrong.
@HBO
We believe the time to speak up is now, before the show has been written or cast. Before
@hbo
invests too much money into
#Confederate
.
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Friends, I’d like to announce that I bought a house, and I will be moving into it in about six weeks.
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It doesn’t feel ethical for me to just straight RT this, considering I’ve never actually done it myself.
Me after spelling “Renaissance” right on my first try.
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Now is a good time to donate money to your local food bank, by the way; they get a lot of donations at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but kids are about to be out of school and not have access to free breakfasts and lunches.
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It’s official: I have a new job, and I’m starting on March 21! I will not be providing any details about either the old job or the new job on Twitter.
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I forgot to post this last week when it happened, but here’s
@themafinch
and me fresh from getting haircuts at a Covid-safe salon. We are wearing our strapless adhesive Alliant Biotech N95s, which were perfect for getting our hair done.
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@melissabreenx
Okay, THANK YOU, because the American arthritis association (or whatever it’s called) always has a fundraising race!!
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@Imani_Barbarin
I keep trying to tell my fellow white women that just not saying anything is an option.
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The eclipse has started and it’s very humbling! Makes you realize you’re on a sphere, circling a bigger sphere, with a smaller sphere circling us.
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My dumb ass read this as “I am not ingredients.”
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This is why married men live longer than single men, and single women live longer than married women.
Me to my patient: The recovery after your cancer surgery is going to take about 4-6 weeks.
My patient: Ok Doctor. Can you tell me what activities I can and can’t do?
Me: Well-
Her husband: But she can still cook right??? I can’t eat cereal for that long.
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Just got asked, “Do you work here?” at Target. Here’s what I’m wearing.
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@GraceSpelman
My ex and I were having a fight and he slammed the dresser drawer in anger. I said, “You didn’t have to slam the drawer!” He said, “I didn’t slam the drawer! I shut it hard, and it made a loud noise!”
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Unpopular food opinion: everything you’ve ever eaten in your life has been “genetically modified.”
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“Catch a Falling Star” (Gingerbread and oven, 2022)
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Canadian and UK friends: I know I harp on this a lot, but you cannot let evil forces in your country take away your healthcare. You do not want to end up like us.
The first time I walked out of my doctors office after moving to England I legit felt like I stole something
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Wearing appropriate business attire for a record-setting heat wave. Wearing a respirator for a record-setting pandemic and poor air quality.
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Pa Finch was one of the first elementary school kids to get the polio vaccine when it was piloted in Pittsburgh. Today he got the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and his second dose is scheduled for my birthday! We’re all feeling happy and optimistic today. ❤️
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This is some kind of sedum that grows under my rosemary bush. The flowers are absolutely IRIDESCENT. The camera can’t capture it.
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I need a workout regime with a title that’s like “Exercise For Decrepit People Who Give Up At The First Sign Of Adversity.”
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I’ve been retweeting a lot of people smarter than I lately, but just in case I didn’t make it abundantly clear in my own voice: Black lives matter.
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TV commercial: "Lack of sleep leads to weight gain."
Me, up past my bedtime, eating ice cream directly from the carton: "Hmm, interesting."
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I just watched the movie Grosse Pointe Blank for the first time since it came out. That’s a really good movie, have you guys heard of it? But seriously, it’s under two hours and it’s just about perfect. I don’t know why every movie has to be such a fucking epic these days.
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What spinster aunts want for Christmas:
• pictures of your kids
• soft, warm scarf
• dinner at 4:30 PM
• a cute plant pot
• the upstairs neighbors to shut the fuck up
• birdseed
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I regret to inform you that there’s a new woman in my book club and she’s funnier than me. 😕
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Me to me: Don’t trust your feelings right before bedtime.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore.”
Nobody *ever* wanted to work! I don’t want to work now! Shut up!
I love hearing complaints from people like “the woman at the cafe was not friendly, seemed like she didn’t want to be there” no shit! Of course she doesn’t want to be there! Working sucks! Just take your coffee from the sullen young woman and zip it
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Higgins did a big stretch, so I called him “stretchy boy” and then I sang “Oh stretchy boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…” and then I finished the song operatically and then Higgins ran to the door and asked to be let outside.
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Today is the seventh anniversary of my divorce. If it’s true that your body replaces all of its cells every seven years, then I am a whole new woman today.
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Put Your Mask on Please
to the tune of ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me”
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@theBrianaMills
After I sent this letter, the museum director called me back and told me he hadn’t thought about it that way before and he appreciated my input.
The New Mexico history Museum doesn’t have a general email address listed on their website, so I went the old-fashioned way. This physical letter is going out in the mail this morning.
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@HeweyKat
I’m really proud of you! Quitting smoking is one of THE most difficult things to do! Your lungs are already in better shape than they were three weeks ago. Keep up the good work!
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@jpbrammer
And that’s a huge galaxy they’re in, man! I’m not even related to most of the people in my neighborhood. 🤷🏻♀️
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@VeryBadLlama
🎼🎵The lunch shack is a little place where
We can rest while hiking
Lunch shack, bay-beee🎶
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@LouisPeitzman
Don’t tell me you’ve been showering alone with just your thoughts this whole time!? I could never.
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I’ve never seen the Scooby Doo movie before so I thought I’d watch it now that it’s on Amazon prime. Unfortunately, Higgins loses his shit every time Scooby is on screen. 😬
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Like me, this cactus is beautiful but dangerous.
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I think a *lot* of people truly believe nothing bad could ever happen to them, because they are somehow better than the rest of us. Disabled people were already well aware that bad shit happens to good people for no reason, so we were ready and willing to adapt our lifestyles.
if you are not afraid of COVID, you either have no idea what it can do to a person’s body or you think it could not happen to you.
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Me: *starts any appliance in the house*
Me, 20 minutes later: “What the hell is that noise!?”
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I found *four* cans of pumpkin in the pantry. Apparently every time I went grocery shopping, I kept thinking, “Oh, I’d better buy some pumpkin so I can bake pumpkin bread.” Anyway, I used one of the cans of pumpkin today. Three more to go!
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I parked in my parents’ driveway, started opening the car door, and I heard my dad say, “STOP!”
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Well, these dishes aren’t going to wash themselves!
And I am also not going to wash them.
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Did the black-eyed Susans grow in the flower bed where I planted them? No. Is one super-healthy black-eyed Susan growing in the rocks in front of my air conditioning unit? Absolutely.
#FlowerReport
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I just finished my open enrollment for 2024! Non-Americans: this is an annual event where we predict how often we will get sick or injured in the next year and try to buy enough insurance to make sure we don’t go bankrupt. If we guess wrong, we end up either homeless or dead!
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Ahhhh, I just did something brave! There’s a woman on my street who I used to see walking her dog, and she came out to talk to me when I was walking Higgins about an hour ago. Her dog had died, and she was asking where I found Higgins, so I was telling her about local rescues.
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I guess the argument that makes me the maddest/saddest is that “we can’t be afraid of this virus, and we have to keep living our lives.“ I fundamentally disagree. We should be very, very afraid of this virus, and we should radically change our lives to combat it.
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I held
@themafinch
at gunpoint and forced her to give me a haircut. I am THRILLED with the results. Here’s the before and after.
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Suddenly remembered the time a stupid boss of mine wrote me a commendation letter praising the “depth and breath” of my knowledge, then closed it by writing that I was “superior to none.“
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Store employee bringing my order to the car: “I’m so sorry for the wait!”
Me: “Hey, it’s a pandemic! We’re all just doing the best we can.”
Employee: “Thank you for being nice about it. People are being so mean!”
STOP BEING MEAN TO SERVICE PEOPLE!!! Be polite and give tips!
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@brokeymcpoverty
This looks so satisfying except I desperately want him to be wearing protective gear so he doesn’t get any little bits in his eyes or mouth or nose! I guess safety is my porn?
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Hey, listen. If it’s safe, you can also leave early. I love you. ❤️
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