Fossilized Tree Resin
@Jamberee13
Followers
21K
Following
80K
Media
4K
Statuses
46K
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor.
327
18K
149K
Anti-masker: you can’t live in fear!. Me, a person with anxiety: well that’s just not true.
111
23K
173K
My kid dropped her lunch at camp and so only ate ice cream and an older kid told her not to tell her mom because “she’s going to be mad that you only ate ice cream” my daughter said “my mom wouldn’t get mad at me about an accident” and you know, it feels nice that she knows that.
71
6K
162K
Do people call boats ‘she’ because they can keep hundreds of things afloat on their own but occasionally a man crashes it into an iceberg and then everyone blames the boat for not being unsinkable?.
125
8K
70K
summoning circle: . 🐈. 🐈 🐈. Sound of can 🐈 . 🐈 . Opening.🐈 🐈. 🐈 🐈 🐈.
140
13K
63K
Don’t make new years resolutions; make pacts with ancient forest beasts, make promises to old gods, make pledges to the deep wood, and most of all, trade your immortal soul for a terrible power that curls across your skin like uncurling ferns as you move through trembling pines.
74
8K
33K
“I’m not like other girls”, she said, golden skin shimmering in the summer sun, and she wasn’t, she was a rotisserie chicken that I bought, took outside, and performed a small skit with in the parking lot before eating in my car while sobbing loudly.
94
5K
31K
Ok fellas. which tree would you prefer to hypothetically turned into by a sorceress you’ve accidentally injured with your carriage in the deep wood
2K
3K
23K
My husband is quite a large man and has called the BMI “body manatee index” for a long time. One time, a health care professional asked him if he knew his BMI and he replied “I have a lot of body manatees, that’s for sure” with absolutely no explanation.
60
930
23K
Every time I’ve been fingerprinted the person fingerprinting me has gotten mad and accused me of wearing lotion and then when I wash my hands and am not easier to acquire fingerprints from they get even more mad. This tells me I should have done more crime.
127
407
16K
I want what any woman wants, to shine in the full moon, feathers sprouting grotesquely from my skin and for a man to shout “the crow witch has returned” his voice cracking with visceral fear.
116
4K
11K
This isn’t going to be a hot girl summer it’s going to be a reclusive victorian woman in an attic summer.
52
3K
12K
Remembering the first time we saw seals with my daughter and she looks at them and goes “pig…fish???”.
21
374
12K
Use the term “touch grass” to indicate that someone needs to seek out reality, use the term “touch moss” to indicate that they need to seek out ancient forest magic beyond their mortal comprehension.
24
3K
10K
If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either:. 1) a piece of your soul trapped in antique jewelry .2) the ability to encase a traveler in thorned vines.3) A crow familiar to commune with the old gods . You didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline.
87
3K
9K
I know this sounds small, I just would never have assumed this as a kid, I never would have been confident that I wasn’t going to get into trouble over something small. I’m by no means a perfect parent but I do try really hard every day to be someone she thinks of as home.
5
117
9K
So I went to visit my grandparents and found this on their porch
147
485
8K
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook . Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?.
11
993
7K
@SJSchauer Same energy as a dude saying he likes girls natural and shows a picture of a woman in full make up to demonstrate his point.
2
99
6K
He got sober when I was a kid. He was a great uncle, taught me how to play basketball. He decided he could control it, a drink once in a while. Watching his second decline was especially painful because I knew what he could be. He died in his sleep last night. Fuck addiction.
218
214
5K
When you’re an ancient forest witch but you have kids
39
646
5K
There are two types of kids at the scholastic book fair:. - The kid who buys a book. - The kid whose parent gave them book money but they use it to buy a holographic cat bookmark, scented highlighters, and a handful of strawberry shaped erasers.
42
357
4K
To be clear my kid had already had a snack and was going to be picked up in only an hour. The camp is outside so there is so extra food and my kid very likely didn’t see fit to let anyone know she dropped it. I told her to tell someone next time and I’ll run a sandwich over lol.
1
21
4K
Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body. Me: *with chalk*. I. The head. A. The face. 1. Eyes. 2. Nose. 3. Mouth. a. Teeth.
32
750
3K
Sometimes I get very cooped up and my husband looks at my daughter and says “we have to take your mom to the woods today, let’s go for a walk” and that’s how I learned he’s the one and I’m also just a forest creature half-domesticated.
10
177
3K
@keyofB_Platt Loll yes one of our house mottos is that she’s allowed to have her own secrets but if someone is telling her to keep a secret from me, that should be a red flag.
7
56
3K
How to know she’s into you:. -laughs at your jokes.-casual physical contact.-releases the binding another witch has placed on your powers.-encases your enemy in thorn covered branches.
27
453
3K
An app that matches you with a local murder of crows to befriend.
25
418
3K
Is your vibe:.1. Solitary wood witch with crow familiar .2. Disgraced knight looking for vengeance .3. Secretly powerful tavern owner .4. Friendly cryptid .5. Protective victorian ghost.
259
283
3K
My husband does short D&D sessions for my daughter (she’s 6 and always plays a Dwarf Barbarian) and he created a scenario where she needed to enter an ice cream shop shaped like an ice cream cone. Husband: what would you like to do. Daughter: I eat the door. *rolls a nat 20*.
24
181
3K
Dear men, what is preventing you from looking like this
199
356
3K
I was never considered cute in high school but several people have admitted that they were deeply afraid of me and I think that’s a good trade off.
18
297
3K
@MacAttacks @Hendyhendel I want to start referring to myself in the third person, like ”Doctor Deb isn’t going to take this!” And they’ll ask “who is Doctor Deb?” And I’ll respond “EXACTLY!”.
8
48
3K
It’s a rainy day, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, cuddle by the fire, release a shadow being from the cursed text left curiously on a bed of moss and ferns by your front gate, make a soup.
8
362
3K
I will not age gracefully— I will age vengefully, I will twist and bend like the trunks of ancient trees until I burst into a shrieking murder of crows leaving a foreboding hum of cursed magic on the very ground I inhabited.
30
701
3K
Him: Keto has really helped me get my life on track. Me: *eating Mac and cheese out of a bread bowl* I also am alive.
9
396
3K
Women know we just keep ziplock bags of mashed potatoes in our shirts. Breasts are a myth we perpetuated to hide our mashed potatoes.
46
378
3K
By age 30 you should have:. - a song you associate with a terrible memory but sometimes play on repeat despite the fact that it hurts you deeply.- a beverage you’re not sure you like but order at the bar because you feel like it matches the persona you’ve crafted.- mental anguish.
72
411
3K
I am not a hot girl I am a hearty soup girl in that I am always slightly too warm and also am full of potatoes.
16
358
3K
So tired of not being a moss covered rock in a forest stream.
16
771
3K
All the other mermaid daughters are like oh cool I’m a princess and I sing and Ariel is like this shit sucks take me to where there’s forks.
11
326
3K
Angel: So the sins are deadly. God: Yep!. Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?. God: Well, no. Angel: So why call them deadly?. God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?.
14
484
3K
Me in 3rd grade: *absolutely wailing hot cross buns on a shrieking recorder in my bathroom for better acoustics* music is my passion.
7
396
3K
@Hendyhendel A student kept referring to me as “Doctor Deb” in emails and I can’t begin to imagine where it came from because my name is Amber and I’m not a doctor. Was it an insult? Who is Dr. Deb?.
11
66
2K
I’m honestly impressed with the younger generations having identities and senses of style like vsco or egirls. When I was in high school I had a hoodie with a skull and crossed spoons that said “cereal killer” that I wore 3x a week.
24
142
2K
I am not having hot girl summer I am having a lay down in the woods and be overtaken by moss like a fallen log summer.
5
679
2K
@jazz_inmypants Observational comedy in the 90s: what’s the deal with hospital food.Observational comedy today: isn’t it funny that we all want to die.
5
136
2K
We need to start preparing kids for the end of days which is why I have created Apocalobster, a cartoon lobster who will explain to kids what boiling in a radioactive sea will be like.
32
323
2K
My daughter(3) has invented a game called “worm dream” where you sit in the “dreaming chair”, close your eyes, think about worms, and then become a worm. Truly I could not have hoped for my kid to be any cooler.
18
122
2K
I’ve never been called “baby” by a man but I have been called “terrifying”, “menacingly silent” and “how long have you been standing in the dark”.
36
325
2K
It’s a full moon so don’t forget to fall in love with a forest witch and dance with her around an autumn bonfire until dawn.
19
404
2K
Mother goose: there was an old woman who lived in a shoe—. Millennials: *collapsing under student debt* a shoe you say?.
6
186
2K
Crying. -useless.-ruins your makeup.-not fun . Summoning a murder of crows to dispatch your enemies. -keeps you connected to the old gods.-proactive .-gives your crows a good workout.
15
423
2K
When someone calls my daughter pretty she sometimes will respond “no, I’m a baby spider” and I really just want to be her when I grow up.
10
147
2K
When I’m dead inside but someone needs my emotional support
11
408
2K
Your penis opens up at the end like a trumpet while you’re sleeping and accidentally consumes six spiders a year.
106
222
2K
[first day in hell]. Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?. Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—. Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*.
37
178
2K
*takes drag of cigarette* buddy I’ve been living in fear since I was a kid.
3
66
2K
Don’t forget to water your garden of thorned vines that entrap those who wander into your dark corner of the forest.
11
273
2K
We are nearing the end of moth girl (hanging out under lamplight at night) summer and will soon enter crow girl (standing ominously in cemeteries) fall.
7
254
2K
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
27
430
2K
“I guess I’m just quirky” she said, feathers sprouting grotesquely from her arms as the villagers shrank away. Her eyes, filling with the inky blackness of a moonless sky surveyed the night. The crow witch of lore had returned and this time she had bangs.
17
253
2K
My grandmother grew up in the depression and in the last few years of her 91 year life she had a bit of money so she bought an absolutely inexplicable number of solar powered fairy statues with lights in them for her garden and would just stand at dusk and stare at them happily.
34
102
2K
When I taught middle school, one of my students sat down, pulled out her supplies and said “I saved my prettiest binder for your class” and it has been one of my favorite compliments from a student so far.
13
41
2K
Once a boy in my class ate raw onions and breathed in my face at lunch and a teacher laughed and said he probably really liked me and I decided then that being liked was not something I was interested in.
10
107
2K
Being the only one awake when your family is sleeping feels like you’re haunting your own house.
18
344
1K
A cute thing I love that humans do: when they describe their favorite color they get really specific: blue like right before it’s completely dark out, orange, but the orange autumn leaves are right before they turn brown. Green like pine needles. Light brown, almost like honey.
21
224
2K
Some girls say “hiii” some girls say “bruh”, and some girls say “I am born of the thousand shadows that drift across the shifting landscape of your nightmares”.
31
249
1K
Me: *whispering* beets are just potatoes that bleed . Gordon Ramsey: *waking with a start*.
11
260
1K
Hi! Just fyi I tweet about parenting very little and never share photos of my family so if you are following me for family content or something like that I’m probably not worth the follow! Just wanted you to know so you don’t waste time!.
1
4
2K
I wish you a friend who will make you all manner of potatoes and carry to you Mount Doom if need be.
5
88
1K
Do you remember when you’d go to rip out a piece of notebook paper in class and you’d do it super slowly because you didn’t want to make noise but actually it ended up being louder than if you had just, without worrying, ripped the damn paper out?. That’s my entire personality.
19
224
1K
You are not being lazy you are just practicing for when the forest comes to reclaim your bones.
5
246
1K
The victorian woman in an attic summer will soon yield to stuck in the wallpaper autumn and then havisham winter.
9
332
1K
I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone.
24
237
1K
My daughter does this thing where she tries to lure my husband, who works from home, to the tv because she likes to watch him play video games. Atm she’s dangling a stick of butter and a slice of tomato in his office doorway going “Daaadaaaa, come get your favoritessssss!”.
8
40
1K
When I was little I rarely spoke or smiled and someone asked my grandpa once “what’s wrong with her” and he said “leave her be she’s in her mind” and I need to get it printed on a vest because it still applies.
15
157
1K
[Me in an action movie].*falls off cliff because I can’t do a pull-up*.
15
286
1K
If a moose and a crab were the same size I think they’d be friends.
23
214
1K
No one: . Burger King: Shove this cow flesh down your meat hole sad man.
6
150
1K
We were listening to “Groove” by Earth, Wind, and Fire and my daughter (4) goes “I’m his friend” and I was like “whose?” And she says “I’m the songs friend” . Hell yeah, man.
0
48
1K
The equinox is a good time to wander into the forest and plead with ancient tree spirits to imbue you with the dread magic of the deep wood.
12
236
1K
┏┓ .┃┃╱╲ in this.┃╱╱╲╲ house we.╱╱╭╮╲╲live, laugh,.▔▏┗┛▕▔ .╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ .and commune with the .old gods via crow messengers .╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ .▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔.
11
262
1K
You cannot prove to me I am not a fallen autumn leaf. My skin is dry, I have veins. I, too, dance in the merry autumn chill and then disintegrate.
7
243
1K
Do not make New Year’s resolutions, make suspicious deals with eldritch beings. Make a circle of glowing runes in the woods to summon half-dead forest gods. Make friends with ferns and moss.
6
386
1K
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?. Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter.
3
199
1K
Me: *eating ribs*. Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*.
15
332
1K
How to get a girl to like you:. - be genuine .- small gestures to show you care.- do not mention the distant screaming you sometimes hear at night emanating from the antique locket she wears.
14
203
1K
❤️❤️❤️ I see those of you who desired a safe person growing up and can relate. Know that I am wishing for you to be granted the softness and kindness you deserve.
1
9
1K
Do not make resolutions. Make binding agreements with eldritch horrors, devote yourself to the dark woods, to the mist. Fill your fists with cold forest soil and scream into the new year.
9
466
1K
Happy solstice! May your tired bones call out to their home deep in the gentle woods. May curled ferns become your jewelry. May thorned vines overtake those who mean you harm.
4
198
1K