Janel Comeau
@VeryBadLlama
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Writer, comedian, illustrator, and international woman of mystery. Co-host of @fatfrenchfab . Sworn enemy of the Swedish Yule Goat. Words: @cracked @TheBeaverton
Halifax, Canada
Joined January 2012
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My goals in life are to become a published author, finish my master's degree, and burn down the giant Swedish Yule Goat.
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[my French boyfriend, watching American news]: I don’t understand??? Things are so bad??? And they set nothing on fire??? How do they expect to fix???
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learning French has really encouraged me to live in the moment because I currently cannot conjugate any other verb tense
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landlord: the cost of rent has gone up
businesses: that’s a natural part of doing business
suppliers: the cost of materials has gone up
businesses: that’s a natural part of doing business
worker: the cost of my labor has gone up
businesses: listen here you little shit
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I don’t know what local weather channel needs to hear this, but we don’t actually need to see the weather guy swept out to sea on live television to understand that there’s a hurricane outside
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"young people can't buy homes because they'd rather buy big fancy TVs"
I am begging older generations to understand that televisions have gone from "a thing that costs 4 months' salary" to "a thing you get for free when your roommate moves and can't be bothered to take it"
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the guy who played Spider in School of Rock is now the district attorney of Tyler County, Texas, and now we’re all just going to have to live with this information forever
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honestly human history makes a lot more sense when you remember how many of the major decisions were made by 19-year-olds who drank wine for breakfast
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as opposed to professional investors, who are famously propelled by a mix of generosity and love for all mankind
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can't get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women's driver's licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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[having size 9 shoes on paper]: completely normal, literally the average women’s size in the USA
[having size 9 shoes at the store]: greetings Amazonian giantess, we keep your enormous clodhoppers in the shed out back, lest they frighten the villagers
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when I was a teenager in like 2010 my friends and I used to go to the mall every Tuesday to see a cheap $5 movie and get a $2 "toonie Tuesday" meal at KFC. that is now a $37 night out and the mall we went to is closed
People are so unwilling to blame iPhones as one of the main culprits in a variety of social ills but graphs like are revealing. It’s obviously the phones.
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my parents at 30: whew, we weren't expecting to have a third kid and a new car this year, but I think we can swing it
me at 30: I was not expecting to have to replace an extra lightbulb in my home this year and now financial ruin is upon me
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dear diary, it has been 437 days since my husband disappeared under mysterious circumstances. alas, I am unable to inform the police, for I am a mere woman.
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the entire concept of passports is weird, you try to visit a slightly different piece of the planet you were born on and then somebody goes "woah woah woah, first I need to see a very small booklet"
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in my Sims era (a two-week period where I will inexplicably log 100 hours on the Sims and then forget that the game exists for the next two years)
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looking forward to the upcoming Disney movie GASTON, in which we will get to see Gaston's parents murdered by literacy and respect for women
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Americans: I use miles and pounds
Europeans: I use kilometres and kilograms
Canadians: [snorting a line of assorted measuring systems] I'm 5'3, I weigh 150lbs, horses weigh 1000kgs, my house is an hour away and I drive 80 km/h to get there, I need a cup of flour and 1L of milk
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if Thanos' snap killed 50% of all life, that means that the survivors would have lost 50% of their gut biomes in an instant and spent the next few months power-blasting their bathrooms with diarrhea, in this essay I will-
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it is 1824. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
it is 1924. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
it is 2024. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
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my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone
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"why should I care if other people can afford their education" because if people can't afford to go to nursing and medical school you are less than 10 years away from having to do your own surgery with a YouTube tutorial and a hot spoon, hope this helps
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apparently a lot of cis women need to hear this but a world where our faces, bodies, hair, breasts, clothing and voice are constantly scrutinized as "not feminine enough" is infinitely more dangerous than a world where trans women might also be in the bathroom and need to pee
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, "ah yes, that's why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore"
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grocery store chains: we set record profits this year
retail chains: we've never made so much money
energy companies: we just posted our best quarter on record
news article: who is to blame for inflation? you peasants wanting wages, probably
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very fun how the two types of jobs you can get now are "get screamed at for an insulting amount of money" or "hear the Microsoft Teams call jingle in your dreams until you die"
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reading about WWII blackout regulations is wild knowing that if we tried that today around 20% of the population would immediately put up their Christmas lights in August and buy floodlights to beam at the sky
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what if I told you that “learning to live with covid” means “accepting that some degree of covid precautions are just part of life now” and not “fuck it, covid is inevitable, let’s go back to freely coughing on strangers”
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
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I take my shoes off at the airport to help stop an attack that almost happened 20 years ago and this dude on the bus won't wear a mask to help stop a disease that killed 10,000 people yesterday
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave
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"why don't we have fancy galas or 23-year-old art prodigies anymore" oh we absolutely still have those things, you're just way too poor to participate, same as you would have been hundreds of years ago
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I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
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when my uncle died unexpectedly my mother had to tell his ‘common-law wife’ - quite literally over his dead body - that the ‘Chinese spam caller’ he was arguing with on the phone every day was actually his legal wife that he’d met through a Chinese mail-order bride service
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boy math is when he does the oil changes and snow shoveling and she does the cooking and laundry and he decides they have equal workloads because they both do two chores
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it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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nothing has sold me on the “millennials are aging at a weird pace” theory more than the realization that these two actresses are only 7 years apart in age
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"I don't get why you set so many alarms"
congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface
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Twitter is giving me regular updates on the location of the Queen’s coffin like I personally ordered it on Amazon
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Elon finding out the hard way that we’re not trapped in here with him, he’s trapped in here with us
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not to sound like a huge communist but I don’t think millions of us should have to die hungry and in debt so a couple dudes with really really really big boats can have really really really really big boats
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true crime documentary narrator: how did this missing persons case go unsolved for more than 20 years?
police officer: yeah so the family reported their daughter missing and then we told them that she was probably fine and didn't look for her at all
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[Kate Middleton, 14 Mountain Dews deep into the most crippling World of Warcraft addiction of the 21st Century] just photoshop me into the picture, I'm in the middle of a raid
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"cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad" is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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prayers for the teenage boy who just dropped his phone on the New York subway and watched it skid the length of the packed car, face-up, with the porn he’d been looking at clearly on display
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that's my emotional support room-temperature iced coffee with an inch of water floating on top
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
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I knew I'd get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go "is that a new singer" and then a person born in 2007 goes "ew no they're a peeble streamer on doop" as I inch closer to the grave
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don’t make me tap the sign
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the fun part of pet ownership is that every now and then they'll start acting funny and the cure will either be that they need to take a dump or have a $3000 surgery and you just get to guess which one you're dealing with
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starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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every TikTok video of a parrot doing something charming should begin and end with a 15-second clip of the words "this bird is a flying toddler that costs $3000 and never dies" over and over again
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USA: our airport codes are shorted versions of the city’s name, or an abbreviation of the airport
Europe: our airport codes are shorted versions of the city’s name, or an abbreviation of the airport
Canada: EVERY AIRPORT CODE IS THE LETTER Y PLUS FRIENDS
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outlook: I'm the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you've ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
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giving my kids the Canadian talk (the traumatizing conversation every young Canadian has when they're first told that it's safer to hit most wildlife dead-on with your car instead of swerving, unless the wildlife is a moose)
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I would like to apologize to the Paleolithic community for failing to capture the complexities of their experiences in a flippant 280 character tweet about how our phones ding at us a thousand times per day
I am listening, learning, etc
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government: hey is it cool if we spend $115,000 to house this poor person for a year
voters: wtf?? absolutely not
government: but what if I told you they had a small amount of marijuana and need to be punished
voters: in that case absolutely, spend as much as you like
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ten years from now we’re going to find out that some White House intern switched Biden’s decaf for triple espresso as a prank and accidentally solved student loans
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if we’ve brought back global pandemics, titanic disasters, railroad strikes, a King of England and Russian coups, we should also get to bring back the parts of the 20th century where they had cocaine in the soda and a minimum wage earner could buy a family home
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it’s okay everyone, I’ve figured out where Kate Middleton is
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companies: we are committed to working towards a greener future 😊
also companies: hi I know your entire job can be done from your couch but we really need you to go back to idling in traffic 10 times per week because Brian needs to time your bathroom breaks to feel alive
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“our grandparents lived through a war and never had any of this mental illness stuff” absolutely, grandma washed down fistfuls of amphetamines with cooking sherry to celebrate how well-adjusted she was feeling
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born too late to remember Princess Diana, born too early to grow up in a post-monarchy world, born at exactly the right time to start baseless internet rumours that the Princess of Wales has spent the last three months playing an incredibly long game of Dungeons and Dragons
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Columbia’s own website has a page about how the last time they called for a mass arrest of student protesters, they were in the wrong and fucked up their reputation for decades
Sources say Columbia University has threatened to authorize the NYPD and National Guard to sweep the protest encampment as soon as tonight
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begging dudes like this to realize that no-fault divorce and equal pay laws are the only reason that they don’t know what coffee tastes like when it’s sweetened with antifreeze
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finding out today that a truly alarming number of you think that Fast Car is a love song
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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"work from home isn't fair to people whose jobs have to be done in person"
as someone whose job has to be done in person, I can assure you that most people drive like they are actively fighting a live raccoon and I want as many of you off the roads as possible at all times
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I would simply feed this man concentrated chicken soup on his ice cream and cherry pie filling on his spaghetti until he no longer had the strength to believe in god
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Jesus: [holding up bread] this is my flesh
Guy Who Owns an Air Fryer: you can reheat that perfectly in an air fryer, I use mine for everything
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Thinking about the time the tour guide at Liberty Hall told us that no country in history had been more effective at freeing itself from a monarchy than the USA, and my French boyfriend spent the rest of the tour just muttering "I don't see any guillotines" under his breath
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figuring out who originally purchased the TV I currently have in my apartment would require the sort of museum-calibre provenance research normally used to track down stolen art
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having now seen a total eclipse I can confirm that if I had had even 20% less context for what was about to happen I would have immediately started throwing people into nearby volcanos
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"why do you support your tax dollars going to subsidized daycare if you don't have kids" because if other people can't afford to have kids the only staff at my nursing home when I'm old will be a pill organizer scotch-taped to a roomba
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twitter was not meant to make fun of the same person for the same thing this many days in a row, one of you needs to take one for the team and post a 40-tweet thread about how it's abusive to let your child wear shoes
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I think I hear my neighbours arguing over a nursery rocking chair, maybe I'll take a quick break from having coffee in the garden with my husband to bring them over some homemade chili just as soon as my daughter figures out how to open the cans of beans
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I’m a bitch
I’m an Orca
Sinking boats
Just off Majorca
I’m a sinner
I’m a whale
My sinking never fails
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in hindsight the plot of The Great Gatsby makes infinitely more sense when you remember that the author and all of the characters have been driven to the brink of stark-raving, shoelace-eating madness by three years of a global flu pandemic
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you know the end of this video is going to be wild but I promise you’re not even close to guessing how unhinged this is
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the people who whine and cry about being 'forced' to call trans people by something other than their birth name will turn around and refer to a 52-year-old man as "Kid Rock" with a straight face
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my mom asked my French husband his favourite type of cheese for the family cheese boards, thinking he'd maybe want some Brie, and now she has to hike into the hills of central France to retrieve a cheese aged for 28 days on a bed of rye straw in a specific village
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every right-wing attack ad is now just "the LEFT wants you to be able to AFFORD YOUR MEDICATIONS and GET OUT OF DEBT and live comfortably in an AFFORDABLE HOME" and somehow an alarmingly big chunk of the population still goes "omg nooooo"
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yes, kids are now on their phones a lot, in the same way that a rat in a completely empty cage will spend a lot of time giving itself painful electrical shocks just for something to do
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me: I am stronger than my anxiety
my anxiety: [bench pressing a car] what if you turned a stove burner on high before you left the house and just forgot about it and now your home is burning to the ground
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I've fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don't suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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the woman sitting behind me at Hadestown told her friend during intermission that she “hopes this has a happy ending” because she hates depressing stories and I’m so sorry ma’am but you’ve had almost 3000 years to look up how this ends
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“you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it’s extremely addictive,” says my pharmacist before handing over a prescription I need to set at least six phone alarms to remember to take
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angry people feeling an obsessive need to look at every inch of my body to decide if some small flaw in my waist proportions or jawline warrants demanding to inspect my ID or genitals does not feel particularly safe to me
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if I die of anaphylactic shock in an airplane bathroom because you were cooking shrimp in the sink you cannot even imagine how hard I will haunt you to your own grave
absolutely should be on every no fly list moving forward. this is absolutely insane.
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I absolutely promise you that no one is going “hmmmm, it sounds like there might be a big storm outside but I can’t be certain until I see Steve the Weather Guy clinging desperately to a stop sign in gale force winds, wondering if he will ever see his children again”
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hi welcome to dog ownership, your options are a $4000 purebred snub-nosed Lithuanian duckhound with a 2-year waitlist who is allergic to the colour green, or a mutt named Stubbs you acquired through unclear circumstances who is prepared to survive through a nuclear apocalypse
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Biden woke up and started signing legislation like he'd been up all night with the ghosts of Elections Past, Elections Present, and Elections Yet to Come
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there have got to be easier ways to find out what the inside of your city’s worst nursing home looks like
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Cleopatra was in power at 21 years old, pickled on ancient beer, just sneaking into palaces wrapped up in carpets and ruling the Kingdom of Egypt
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incidentally we never buried him because no one has his legal wife’s contact info so if anyone knows a Chinese lady in Vancouver wondering why she stopped hearing from her legal husband 3 years ago please tell her his ashes are in the trunk of my cousin’s car
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I respect screaming babies on airplanes because they're the only ones providing honest feedback about the overall air travel experience
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you wake up. the year is 2008. you use Stumbleupon to visit fun websites that do not steal your personal information. your only social media presence is a series of Facebook albums with names like "throw it away, forget yesterday" with 200 blurry pictures each. you are at peace.
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