My goals in life are to become a published author, finish my master's degree, and burn down the giant Swedish Yule Goat.

God: behold the horse, my finest creation. fast. strong. powerful. mankind shall ride them into battle for thousands of years. angel: wow, they must be nearly indestructible God: lol no if they lay down weird one time it's pretty much over

do you think in 300 years they'll eat 3D printed snacks with flavours like "electricity" and "dark thoughts" and tell each other "I bet this would instantly kill a sickly 21st century peasant"

men describing pregnancy: it's not a big deal, your body was naturally designed for it women describing pregnancy: yeah 7 of my toenails fell off, my liver and spleen switched places, my lung fell out of my butthole, and I began seeing an entity known only as "the shadow lady"

in summary: he does not think you should doordash steak tartare

sent this post to my French husband and watched the three little typing dots appear and disappear over and over again for like eight straight minutes

former Prime Minister Kim Campbell is about to find Orlando Bloom in her bed like

if you've ever looked at your email inbox and thought "man I wish this caused me even more anxiety", let me be the first to recommend the lucrative and glamorous life of Trying to Publish Short Fiction

Just got to my Dune 3 showing

Next question. 🙄

going back in time to 2009 just to see the looks on people’s faces when I tell them that the fate of Canadian-Japanese trade relations is in the hands of Katy Perry

all I want for Christmas is to watch the NS Power CEO swim across the Halifax Harbour in mid-winter to get to his various criminal trials

in exchange, you get electricity that goes out for at least 4 hours every time a bird sneezes near a power line

if you’ve never had to deal with Nova Scotia Power, imagine if your utility company leaked your bank account details on the internet and then fabricated your next 8 power bills by using a Ouija board to ask Bernie Madoff what they could get away with charging

Apple Music does not have to calculate a “listening age” because everyone who uses Apple Music is roughly 34 years old

Huge thanks to Ink in Thirds for giving a great home to my weird poetry about working at a defunct Canadian department store!

Unbelievably thrilled to have my work nominated for this year’s “Best Small Fictions” by @InkInThirds!!

if I managed to produce a piece of writing that proved beyond any reasonable doubt that I had the brain of a steamed tilapia, I just don’t think I would be in a hurry to make that my Whole Thing

imagine working on Franklin the Turtle and suddenly getting called into an emergency meeting to discuss the US government’s fan art of your beloved Canadian cartoon turtle carrying out extrajudicial killings in Venezuela

https://t.co/ogtN6W6QCO

finally an architect that knows what we really want: a three-sink closet next to a solo-sink closet, and a laundry room built for eye-contact bath time with friends