Andy Fiori
@AndyFiori
Followers
4,472
Following
1,443
Media
405
Statuses
12,598
Comic- really just here for #nyr / Merc Face from The Bonfire / Watch my special Check Right:
New York, NY
Joined August 2010
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Farage
• 412822 Tweets
Begoña
• 242586 Tweets
Sunak
• 233552 Tweets
Garland
• 178386 Tweets
#ITVDebate
• 162849 Tweets
Halsey
• 82085 Tweets
Grabois
• 80677 Tweets
OBMEP
• 79103 Tweets
Sinner
• 71252 Tweets
Rihanna
• 58889 Tweets
Checo
• 51824 Tweets
Chainsaw Man
• 47832 Tweets
Fujimoto
• 40478 Tweets
Denji
• 37475 Tweets
Laporta
• 35204 Tweets
Joey
• 34934 Tweets
Harry Potter
• 33995 Tweets
Bancolombia
• 32934 Tweets
Isabella
• 32105 Tweets
#KohLanta
• 26625 Tweets
チェンソーマン
• 25372 Tweets
Yoru
• 24915 Tweets
Bruno Fernandes
• 22202 Tweets
Alcaraz
• 21319 Tweets
TRES DE FEBRERO
• 20528 Tweets
Peaky Blinders
• 19775 Tweets
Beele
• 18723 Tweets
Semih
• 15131 Tweets
Tsitsipas
• 12242 Tweets
#TierraDeNadie13
• 11483 Tweets
Julie Etchingham
• 10673 Tweets
One panic attack everybody knows the rules.
Silvana Mojica has been ‘crying, having panic attacks’ after Dave Portnoy breakup
136
17
136
18
37
674
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in awhile. I legit laughed out loud.
9
35
376
Congrats to
@TheBonfireSXM
on their return! That felt like forever. Here’s a throwback to the OG crew in 2016. Team building dinner.
#tbt
#CrackleCrackle
18
10
262
I like that as an adult I can ruin dinner in different ways. I can eat 12 Oreos and ruin my dinner. Or I can drink 12 vodka sodas and ruin your dinner.
5
11
189
What’s to say? Norm Macdonald was as funny as they come. Sad day.
5
5
175
One last time
51
12
213
9
10
145
My ex left a bra and panties at my house so I’m using the bra to make a mask. I’m wearing the panties for confidence.
5
10
128
Joggers who run in place while waiting to cross the street: relax.
5
6
131
About to get my second shot and hug my mom for the first time in over a year. I see her all the time, we’re just not affectionate people.
3
4
132
Once in my HS Italian class a kid signed the attendance sheet as Mike Hunt. We all got detention bc no one gave him up. You know why? Italian class.
11
4
124
My mail woman is so attractive. I wonder if she’s been noticing all the letters from the Large Penis Society I’ve been sending myself.
4
3
114
I’m gonna say it: Some of you are making politics too big a part of your life.
6
0
100
Virus? Fuck you, pay me.
12
7
90
I'm a pretty relaxed guy until you tell me your wedding is a cash bar.
7
1
102
We lost one of the greats this weekend. My dad was one of a kind. If you can, please donate to one of his favorite charities.
29
10
94
But Jay, you're totally taking this out of context!
35
129
575
3
7
90
Hahahaha
7
11
88
In a comedy condo this weekend with 2 other chubby dudes. Wonder if our sleep apnea will sync up.
6
1
87
My special hits YouTube & the airwaves in one week! Hit the link in my bio to subscribe. I’m super proud of it and I think you’ll like it. If so please spread the word and tell a friend!
1
22
89
Do other people put the toaster away after each use or is my mother a psychopath?
27
2
85
Redding “IT” by Stephen King. 409 pages in and nothing about fixing computers.
10
3
79
I’m worried millennials won’t know the difference between content and content.
3
31
72
So did Delonte West.
8
5
72
My mom just told me her favorite actor on Law & Order is Ice-T all casual like she didn’t make me throw out my Body Count CD in 1992.
4
3
70
Go watch Shane’s new special!
This is my comedy special. It’s free and it’s on YouTube.
1K
3K
17K
1
1
70
My ex girlfriend was like an umbrella: I found her in a bar and she was already broken.
7
5
70
@NYP_Brooksie
It’s amazing how many people want a 35 year old coming off hip resurfacing surgery. Like we’ve never been here before.
4
1
73
Once when I was 16 I left a pornographic magazine in the bathroom. My mom found it. Screamed “there’s filth on every single page” which is impressive bc I hadn’t even read the whole thing yet.
3
1
72
Thanks to everyone who reached out. Appreciate all the kind words. And that’s that.
23
4
64
If comedy shuts down again can we do shows in doctor’s offices? I absolutely destroy with nurses and dental assistants. Medical puns? Urine luck!
7
3
69
I can’t be the only one thinking it.
Robert Wadlow, the world’s tallest man, made history when he was the first human being born already in foul trouble.
83
58
1K
15
6
68
My first kiss was during The Lion King movie. And to be honest I feel like 31 was too old for both those things.
1
2
67
If you’re a Gap ad be careful!
UK COVID-19 variant most likely to spread among this age group: study
21
9
18
3
8
66
Just when you thought you couldn’t love Bill Murray more
Seth Green claims Bill Murray 'dangled' him 'over a trash can' on 'SNL' set
529
44
648
2
2
65
SJW Reading
@Variety
:
SNL Adds New Cast Members
“Hey Hon (or non specific gender neutral nickname although I don’t like the term nickname bc it uses a cis male qualifier) can you put on some coffee? (crack knuckles) I have hours of comedy to go through to cancel a stranger.”
1
3
57
My back doctor said it's simple: lose weight and back problems will go away. Nothing else I can do. Cool! Now my back and my feelings hurt.
4
7
58
Tonight and tomorrow headlining The Comedy Works in Saratoga Springs, NY! Tix link in bio.
0
3
60
Just saw two junkies fighting on 7th Avenue. They should call this Oxy Boxing.
4
0
62
@joshgondelman
In HS a rumor got started a kid had premature ejaculation. My friend called him Pop Quiz and it's still the funniest thing I've ever heard
1
0
59
Interviewer: Do you have references?
Me: Yeah mostly Seinfeld and The Sopranos.
1
9
60
My blood pressure is a little high but the doctor said it's nothing I can't fix on my own.
He said "if you have 4 beers, have 2. If you have 2 slices of pizza, have 1" and it's hilarious those are the numbers he imagines I'm working with.
6
4
59
Comics: what's the cringiest moment you've ever had on stage?
Years ago I was hosting a show and mistakenly said to a teenage girl "You're an interesting looking fella."
Hard to jump back into jokes after that.
11
2
61
What’s a word that sounds dirty but isn’t? For me it’s rectory.
42
0
57
Hey other 40 and above’s, I’ll say it: Tik Tok is not for us. Get outta there.
9
6
55
Guys I'm gonna say it: I think I have a shot with Britney Spears.
14
1
58
I never lost my taste when I had covid. The whole time I could still appreciate cinema and fine art.
4
2
55
Between The Mighty Mighty Bosstones breaking up and Tom Brady’s retirement, New England’s had a rough weekend.
3
5
54
If my mom is reading, this we are out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom and my legs are starting to feel numb.
5
1
58
Time to retire the “Asking for a friend” bit. I know most of you don’t have that many friends.
6
3
55
Tomorrow should be a fun day all around. See you on the other side!
9
1
54
It scrambles my brain when people forget to eat bc they are busy. If anything I forget that I’ve already eaten.
3
3
57
They say to “recapture your youth,” but god forbid I walk into a grade school cafeteria for some square pizza.
6
4
54
I'm officially "no longer physically able to sit Indian style" years old.
6
9
51
Thanks for all the bday wishes gang! I just hit “gonna keep these extra napkins in the car” years old.
13
0
54
I want to love one thing the way jimmy Fallon loves every single thing he hears ever.
2
8
52
I just tried to kill a spider and he got away. Now he’s somewhere in my apartment and he’s pissed. This is no good.
9
0
52
We need to reopen the country. You see what happens when carnies are out of work?!
2
6
51
It’s true! I’m shooting a special Friday, March 18th in NYC. 2 shows at 8 & 10:30. Ticket link in bio! Please come!
3
5
50
I wonder if ghosts in relationships call their significant others Boo.
2
3
50
@SammmyStern
90% of Rangers twitter would rather have the team/front office do poorly so they can go "See?? I knew it!" Fucking hell.
13
2
53
Turns out the movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is not a documentary about me talking to women in bars.
3
1
49
The last two years were the greatest. Thanks to the campers and of course my
@TheBonfireSXM
family. Love you all.
#CrackleCrackle
The whole team is going to miss Mercface
@AndyFiori
! We loved having him with us the last 2 years on
#TheBonfire
...
#ByeTraitor
4
4
47
6
6
49
I’ve started too many conversations with “If you think about it, pizza is kinda healthy…”
9
1
50
Just went to the zoo and saw an elephant that was born the same year as me. We talked about the ‘85 Bears and where we were on 9/11.
0
2
52
After Jenny dies and it’s up to Forrest to raise Forrest Jr. there’s no way that kid sees his 10th birthday.
7
1
50
My cousin tries so hard to be Italian I heard him ask his wife to get the citronell candles.
4
3
45
New York’s dining capacity is up to 35%. It’s like charging an iPhone 6.
2
3
48
Should’ve listened to my stockbroker when he told me to go all in on puzzles.
1
10
47
I’m sad because my friend just said “adulting” and I’m gonna miss hanging out with him I think.
2
6
49
Have you always wanted Weezer to ruin all your favorite songs? Good news.
4
10
44
Buddy just got out of rehab:
Him: I feel good man. Future is looking bright.
Me: That’s dope, man.
Him: Please don’t say that.
0
3
49
Would I be offended? Yes. Would I still eat it? Also yes.
12
3
48