bert kreischer
@bertkreischer
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1,102,247
Following
5,130
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6,343
Statuses
43,815
I am the Machine #RazzleDazzle and #TheMACHINEmovie on Netflix NOW. @drinkporosos #MakeFriends . #TOPSOFFWORLDTOUR and #FULLYLOADEDFESTIVAL are on sale NOW
Los Angeles
Joined December 2008
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This is who I want next to me at an airport bar at 6 am
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This is a fun game - who is the most famous person to block you?
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I’d put a fried egg on pussy if my wife would let me.
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👀
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I’m down 40 pounds. I haven’t had alcohol or sugar in 83 days. I’ve been primarily carnivore. That all ends TODAY. We set sail in 4 hours on the
#FullyLoadedCruise
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🚨MY PHONE ISN’T WORKING!!!🚨
Can someone PLEASE let
@KFCBarstool
and
@FeitsBarstool
know that their flight leaves in TWENTY FOUR HOURS in their tickets are in their inbox!!!!
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A LEGEND in the making!!!
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IT’S HERE!!! And YOU guys made this happen!! Here is the OFFICIAL trailer for
#TheMACHINEmovie
. You can grab your tickets NOW for May 25th with a special LIVE pre show at . See you all MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
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LAST 1st day of school and I can’t stop crying - to all the parents out there who are losing their minds trying to get shoes on a kindergartner today, take a second and enjoy the chaos - one day you’ll miss it.
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Today is my 50th birthday AND the anniversary of The Machine story. As a present to myself, I’m sharing the teaser to my movie
#TheMachine
. If you guys enjoy it, please tag a friend, share it, and spread the word - let’s get this thing in theaters ASAP!!
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#IStandWithWhitney
Hey
@WhitneyCummings
I hate what those dorks tried to do to you – here’s an embarrassing picture of my testicles after I fell on a waterslide.
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Alright, secret time. I’m not going to rehab. I’m headed to Serbia to shoot my FIRST FEATURE with
@hamillhimself
! More info to come
#TheMachineMovie
@Legendary
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I was one of the dumbest college students ever in the history of college - DOCUMENTED - but fucking wow!?
😱
#Florida
spring-breakers:
“If I get
#corona
, I get corona....I’m not going to let it stop me from parting.”
#Coronavirus
“is really messing up my spring break.”
“This virus ain’t that serious.”
We’re “trying to get drunk before everything closes.”
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Having a blast in DUBLIN! Thank you
@TheNotoriousMMA
for the hospitality and thanks to The Black Forge Inn for the best steak of my life!
#TopsOffWorldTour
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Sometime a Florida Man can be a hero!!
saved the puppy from getting eaten by an alligator and never dropped his cigar, a true legend
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Fuck this - this is where I draw the line!!!
They changed the ABC song to clarify the LMNOP part, and it is life ruining.
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I have never knowingly pursued any relatinaships with any dog at any point, All of my relationships with dogs have been both legal and consensual.
While we're calling people out, can we take a moment to address what
@bertkreischer
has been doing to dogs for YEARS?! The man has had intimate relations with nearly every breed and it's disgusting.
#BertFucksDogs
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Here is the fall I was talking about on 2Bears today with
@tomsegura
- I’m giving this to the internet - have fun w/ it!!!
I’ll be reposting funny remixes on insta all day!
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When I interrupt Tom to tell a story that has nothing to do with what we were talking about
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I am bias but
@JoeRogan
would do a MUCH better job monitoring a debate BTWN
@JoeBiden
&
@realDonaldTrump
than Christopher Wallace.
#makeithappen
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This is my business partner!!!
Fuck Will Smith's candy ass smacking a dude 4 inches shorter and 50lbs lighter. He's just in his feelings cause his bald headed bitch been fuckin around on him for years and he takes it. We all know who he wishes he could slap.
#CuckWill
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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I just witnessed my daught put on a SOCK then SHOE followed by the other SOCK then other SHOE - as opposed to the rest of society who does SOCK, SOCK then SHOE, SHOE.
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How fucking late to the game am I that I just know heard of
@MrBeast
- this kid is a genius!!!
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I fucking hate this new normal - fuck masks, fuck quarantine, & fuck social distancing- I want someone to bump into me at a concert, spill their beer on me, smile and apologize profusely!
Then I can be like “No biggie!”
Who the fuck says NO BIGGIE?
Okay, now I’m smiling!
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I bet there’s at least a 1 drink minimum.
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I hope your family is having as good a time as mine this Christmas - Merry Christmas!!!
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You have my attention
Ten thousand light-years away from Earth, there's a massive cloud of space alcohol 1,000 times larger than the diameter of our solar system
It contains enough alcohol to fill 400 trillion-trillion pints of beer
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Can someone please write an article about how the proteins in semen, when coating the throat, defend against the CORONAVIRUS.
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Wait...I’m the machine!!!
"Who's The Machine?! You're The Machine!"
Get you a corner like Matt Serra and Ray Longo
#UFCRioRancho
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Buy the tickets to my show, send me a link on amazon to the shoes and I’ll have them waiting for you at the show!
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I was informed by my Bestie
@TomSegura
that I normally dress like an 8th Grader…. Well I changed it up - thoughts?!
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I am happy to report that I did NOT have a HEART ATTACK last night – thank you
@TMZ
for making my morning interesting w/ your investigative reporting...kind of bummed I won’t get a flood of texts from people telling me how much they love me, but happier to be healthy!
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Well,
@bertkreischer
just leaked it...so if he's going to get sued, I'm going down with him. THE MACHINE teaser trailer is here!
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Had a fantastic time at the
@DAYTONA
500 w/
@tomsegura
today - thank you for everyone at
@nascar
for an amazing experience!!!
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Holy crap - he looks totally different without the tattoos!
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2 words FUCKING GANGSTER – I fully support
@DaveChappelle
check out his latest IGTV post and together we should
#boycottChappelleshow
. Link below
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Hey
@joerogan
- Tell them they can do
#SoberOctober
with us!!!
Trump open to four-hour debate with Biden on Joe Rogan's podcast
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Great having my favorite daughter home…I love her so much more than Ila?!
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Why in the fuck would someone cut cocaine with fentanyl?
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My house was broken into Friday night, here is the FULL VIDEO. I tried the best I could to decipher what they are saying at the end. FOR MORE INFO hit the link below.
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My wife with her new trainer - feel free to PHOTOSHOP this any way you’d like!
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Maybe I should give the fans what they want, Who wants to see my balls???
10k likes on the tweet and I’ll post them!!!
Just checking on some of our YouTube stats, and I noticed this spike during the
@bertkreischer
interview, right when he’s about to show us his balls.
Look at those numbers peaking right when he’s unbuttoning his pants 😂😂😂
WATCH:
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Fat, white, losing his hair
Describe your favorite comedian without mentioning their name, and see if folks can guess who it is
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Hey guys please retweet this if you’d like to see me &
@tomSegura
have a one armed/one legged boxing match!!!
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This is OUTRAGEOUS- who the fuck tucks a football Jersey into jeans?
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Happy Father’s Day to the man who gave me my laugh!!!
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OH YEAH!!!!
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I told
@SnoopDogg
I’ve been singing “I drop rhymes like potatoes” for the past 17 years - today I found out I was wrong. What Snoop lyrics have you misheard??
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Fucking 2012????
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This would have never happened without YOU! Your support, your comments, your posts…YOU made this movie. Now get out to the theaters, take your shirts off and SHARE IT. LET US MAKE WILD SHIT AGAIN!!!
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Hey photo shoppers can you get this fucking idiot out of my picture?
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