Josh Gondelman
@joshgondelman
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Year round iced coffee drinker. Stand-up special "People Pleaser" out now. Previously: Last Week Tonight, Mrs. Maisel, Head Writer/EP Desus & Mero.
New York
Joined August 2009
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Hi! I recorded a little mini-special called “Trauma Response” with
@donttellcomedy
! I am really proud of these jokes, and I hope you enjoy them! It would really mean a lot to me if you’d watch the set and comment/share it if you like it!
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10pm at your parents’ house as an adult feels like 3am at your own apartment.
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The abbreviations for teaspoon and tablespoon are too similar and NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!
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Honestly, someone should take advantage of this chaos and colonize England.
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The problem with 10:30pm is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30am if you’re not careful.
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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I'm not saying that The Masked Singer is a sign that we're living in a dystopia, but it's definitely the kind of show that the characters would watch in a movie about living in a dystopia.
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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I know it happens every year, but I would bet my life that it's never gotten this dark this early before in my life.
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Really ate shit saying “I didn’t know we had a new puppy in the building!” to my neighbor’s toddler who was dressed up like a Dalmatian. Not even a smile from the kid. Rough.
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I want a movie where Batman takes on white collar crime. Just auditing dudes with his bat-culator, still wearing the whole suit.
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Your email did indeed find me well, but it left me a shell of the man I used to be.
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If Leonardo DiCaprio keeps dating women in their early 20s, they’ll now be so young that they fully missed his teen heartthrob era. They’ll be texting their friends like: “So I’ve been going out with the dirty guy from The Revenant. Weird, right?”
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Whoever invented the "unsubscribe" email function was probably also responsible for the "door close" elevator button.
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You have to hand it to Jared Kushner, because that's the only way he's ever achieved or accomplished anything his whole life.
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I don’t know what message she’s trying to send, but the lady at my bodega snuck an entire salad into my turkey sandwich.
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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The prices at Bob’s Burgers are so reasonable and people do not talk about this enough.
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It’s absolutely ridiculous that people can aggressively protest outside an abortion clinic but Brett Kavanaugh gets to claim steaktuary at a Morton’s like it’s some kind of embassy for judges.
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When Celine Dion sang "there were nights of endless pleasure/it was more than any laws allow"...WHICH LAWS???
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This was so long ago he must have tapped those number buttons so many times to get the breakup text out.
Britney Spears confirms in her memoir that Justin Timberlake broke up with her through text.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE that Lizzo pulled James Madison's crystal flute out of a stone and is now the president!!! That is a marginally less democratic process than the electoral college!!!!
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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Crypto is just the stock market for people who think superhero movies should win more Oscars.
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Signatures are so weird. It's like, okay you have to believe it's really me because I used cursive.
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It never really occurred to me that the Timothée Chalamet “Wonka” movie was ever going to come out. I’d just assumed they’d made a bunch of trailers as a bit or something.
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I just saw a woman turn down an upgrade to an exit row seat on a plane because the responsibilities in an emergency would stress her out. Legitimately congratulations to her on being the most honest person on the planet.
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It is fucked up that no matter how good a pie smells, it won’t actually make you float up off the ground when you smell it.
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I need a dresser exclusively for the t-shirts I never wear but can't bring myself to get rid of.
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Telling people today to vote in November is a little bit like hearing someone is hungry right now and responding: "Thanksgiving's coming up!"
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Guess Who I Saw At The Store (10 Minute Version) (Mom's Version)
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Lady Gaga sing “Shallow” and make Biden do the Bradley Cooper part it’s what we need as a nation.
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Here I am on Sunday morning, absolutely up to my ass in blank pieces of paper to sign with a Sharpie alone at a desk. I guess I'm just a workaholic.
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“Nah.” - everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd
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Once again, my dog is sitting like she’s contemplating which of her idiot children will take over her business empire.
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I just canceled a flight and got no refund or airline credit, and I guess next time I'm just going to not cancel so another passenger has a little more room and the airline can't sell that seat again for double the profit?
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No politician can unify people in the way that the “Imagine” video seems to have united every single person against it.
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People who bought their homes in 1975 are always like: "Well the housing market has never been weird to ME."
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Friends on Instagram: “Here’s a quick dinner I whipped up using just what I had on hand already. It’s a kale and truffle soufflé with crumbled wild boar sausage.”
Me: *squirts mustard on an ice cube, eats it*
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I hope these videos get more elaborate every year until one has the budget of a Marvel movie.
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Shout out to everyone who pictures scallions when they hear the word “shallots.”
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Welcome to the world, young Fuck Off, Piers Morgan.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry to choose UNUSUAL name for baby that UNIFIES the US and UK
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When someone emails you and then you email them back but they have an Out Of Office message up, that's the "down low, too slow" of the adult world.
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I accidentally signed up for Disney- and it’s just the scenes where animated characters watch their parents die. :(
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I like when people abbreviate "out of office" as "OOO" because it's like: "OOOooo! Someone has healthy work/life boundaries! Soooo fancy!"
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Weird feeling I had recently: Proud of my dog for playing it cool when a celebrity stopped to pet her on the street.
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I don’t think I’m as afraid of anything as every billionaire is apparently afraid of becoming a hundred-millionaire.
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As an adult, putting on sunscreen takes me 4-5 minutes, but I remember it taking 6-7 hours as a child.
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If there’s not a cute name for the little hops that some birds do instead of walking, there should be. YEAH, I SAID IT.
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Me at 10am: Wow I've got the whole day ahead of me to get things done!
Me at 12:05pm: Looks like I've squandered the day. Let's try again tomorrow, team.
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There are two famous people from my very small hometown and whenever I see one of them on tv in any capacity I will announce this fact about them every time as long as I live.
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This is a great deal for anyone who is at this airport convenience store and is also a horse.
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Enough time has passed that I think we can finally admit: Once it started out with a kiss it wasn't that hard to predict it would end up like this.
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How come a website can remember how many free articles I've read this month but not the fact that I'm already a subscriber who's signed in three times in the last week?
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How long do you wait to get rid of a sock after the matching one goes missing? Until you move, right?
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If you have $500,000 to blow on your two kids who aren't going to get into college, have some respect and invest it in a doomed recording career that will yield one terrible single the rest of us can make fun of forever.
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Not having a car definitely increases my enjoyment of snowstorms by like 800%.
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Not everything that ever happened needs to be a documentary.
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Read a book for an hour instead of scrolling aimlessly. Enjoyed myself very much. Will not learn from this.
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Somehow fifteen seconds of watching an ad on YouTube feels like seven minutes of sitting at a red light.
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This is not an apology, and it is also...not an accurate description of an onion.
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This year I'm trying to be a more available, supportive friend as well as an increasingly looming, formidable enemy.
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The guy who played Mr. Bean talking about cancel culture is so funny to me. Like, are the PC police stopping you from making a silly face after you accidentally put your feet into two trout like they're a pair of slippers?
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Jordan Peterson always seems like he’s trying to lay down the law with a teenage stepson who calls him “Dr. Dickweed” to his face.
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“Inventing Anna” sounds like the name of a Ben Folds Five song from 1998 that high school theater kids would sing in the car on the way to a diner.
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My wife is taking a walk to listen to the new Fiona Apple album without distraction and I hope she comes home instead of joining a coven of other Brooklyn women on the same journey she is.
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It’s weird how saying you’re “more than friends” always means you’re hooking up and never means you’re also cousins or small business co-owners.
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There is an emotional honesty in this photograph that most art merely aspires to.
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Real question! Has anyone purchased a couch recently and been satisfied with the results? Every review I read is like: "The company said our sofa would arrive in four weeks, and then six months later they threw a bag of gravel through our window and said SIT ON THIS, ASSHOLES!"
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Love to see the government response to an ongoing pandemic boil down to: “See if you can find someone to trade shifts with you.”
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The three days before Thanksgiving all feel like Friday at 3:30pm.
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Are Cape Cod potato chips the best potato chips or am I just from Massachusetts?
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Okay the problem I have with talking about my feelings is that afterwards they still exist but ALSO other people know about them now? This can't be right.
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Once again I have performed a task that took five minutes after putting it off for seven months. The lesson: 200 days of procrastination is the key to productivity.
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David Koch has died. In lieu of flowers please construct a shadow network of tax deductible shell companies to donate to the further perpetuation of environmental destruction and income inequality.
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HOT TAKE: I think it's weird that the Oscars are usually hosted by a comedian (or people doing comedy bits), given that the Academy rarely recognizes comedy and doesn't even seem to enjoy it much.
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THANKSGIVING INSTAGRAM: Pictures of freshly-prepared food.
THANKSGIVING TWITTER: Reminders to set boundaries with your family.
THANKSGIVING TIKTOK: Teenagers dancing and pointing at the words, “Going back for seconds is a symptom of ADHD.”
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Hannity looks like he made a YouTube video to explain why he was kicked off a harbor cruise for being too drunk, while still drunk.
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Suburban culture is a woman who looks like a 27-year-old yoga instructor being married to a guy who looks like a 52-year-old retired cop, and they're both 34.
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I’m at a Billy Joel concert and the level of audience excitement for each song can best be summarized as: “Holy shit he’s playing another Billy Joel song!!!”
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I legitimately thought the first sentence of this tweet was about the weather and thought…sure why not I guess that can happen now.
So... at least 6 Hurricanes have COVID, they were in Vancouver on Sunday and Calgary on Thursday. At least 9 Flames players have COVID. At least 2 Canucks players have COVID. At least 2 Bruins have COVID, they were in Vancouver on Wednesday and Calgary on Saturday.
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In third grade for school I had to learn all the words to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” and to this day I know the names of a lot of things that happened but not a single fact about any of them.
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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My parents gave my 95-year-old great aunt a copy of my book, and she sold it to someone at her retirement home.
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"Okay, now let's have some FUNprecedented times!" - me, to my dog, while staying in on New Year's Eve
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2022 looks like a typo. Let’s just make it 2222. Much more visually satisfying, and time means nothing anyway.
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Am I a gambling man? Well I did wait until this morning to try on a suit that I haven’t worn in two years and need to wear today.
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I can’t believe Elon Musk is wasting all this time trying to buy Twitter when he has all that science to pretend to invent.
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It’s so wild that they play tennis on so many different surfaces. It’s like if you showed up to a swim meet in France and they were like: “The pool is full of gravy. Deal with it.”
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Did that lemonade stop killing people or did we just give up on it like with most of our public health infrastructure?
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The truest thought I've ever had will be relevant to many people in 12ish hours.
10pm at your parents’ house as an adult feels like 3am at your own apartment.
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Anthony Scaramucci's first week at his new job has made me super confident that I could run a hedge fund.
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NEWSPAPERS: "But have you even heard the perspective of Trump supporters?"
ME: "I have a Jewish last name and am on the internet, so yes."
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Whenever I do something that’s not on my to-do list, I feel a little bit cheated, so I write it down and immediately cross it off.
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Comedy and rap are similar in that the goal of both is to get good enough to stop doing them and just be in movies with The Rock.
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Maine feels like it’s constantly on the border of a farmers market and a militia. The whole vibe is: “You can pry these locally grown blueberries from my cold dead hands.”
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It’s wild that Meghan McCain is considering leaving The View, considering her job there really lets her play to her strengths: saying her dad’s name and being wrong all the time.
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People need to go out and do some new scams so there will be stuff to make documentaries about in five years.
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