Lucy Porter
@lucyportercomic
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Comedian. Wake-Up Call Tour 2023! Co-host of @FingersBuzzers podcast 🎙️ Tweets from Lucy & her team.
London, England
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
📢NO REGRETS - ON SALE NOW 📢
Our Lucy P is off on tour with a show all about regrets. Frank Sinatra had too few to mention, but Lucy’s got hundreds, and she’s prepared to go into graphic detail about all of them.
Check out the dates, here:
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Everyone’s saying teachers should get a pay rise and I agree. After my experience of home schooling I also think they should be allowed to drink during school hours, send the kids off to play minecraft for a few hours, and hide in the toilet when it all gets a bit much.
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I see that the Edinburgh restaurant I’ve had a grudge against for 15 years (because they were rude to my parents) has now closed. Cross me at your peril!
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Bought my 4 year old this hat from H&M kids despite the fact he can't even cope with skunk yet.
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Well, we can only hope that my next husband will be more appreciative.
I don’t often post photos of food, but my wife has outdone herself with today’s lunch. Such a vibrant palette of colours.
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This is a poster in our local Tesco. I’m not even stoned, but I’ve looked at it for about 20 minutes and I’m still not sure what it means. And why does he look so evil?
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Tonight I went out wearing a top I don’t like and that doesn’t really fit me, but that I failed to return to Zara in time, so I made myself wear it as punishment. Is there a German word for that?
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The producers of ISIHAC have kindly made a collection of Jeremy Hardy’s songs available in one place.
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End of the school holidays and all limits on screen time and sugar have been abandoned. No one’s eaten a vegetable in days. I can’t find anything under the carpet of Lego. I know the names of at least 3 YouTube Minecrafters. Not sure if I can make it to Monday. Send help.
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Today I attempted to sort out my
@edfringe
accommodation and start writing my show. Kept thinking about the all-time greatest Edinburgh festival poster. Cowgate, 2006:
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Remind me. What’s the one thing child car seats are meant to ‘stop your little one doing’ again?
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Just completed a thorough statistical analysis of everything my husband and I talk about.
#marriagegoals
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We don’t talk about it, but alongside our showbiz work, my husband and I run a towel sanctuary. This is Stripy. Tattered and threadbare, a lot of people would throw Stripy away, but we’re letting her live out her days in the warmth and safety of our linen cupboard.
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My husband and I found our first ever promotional photos. Wild to see where we are now.
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Just did a stocktake of the cupboards and I’m determined not to panic until we’re forced to eat this.
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How much has lockdown aged me? Well, I’m now wearing my reading glasses on a chain around my neck. And when I say chain, I mean bit of string I found in a drawer.
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I was scared of mice. My husband said cats would keep our home mouse free. Now we have many mice, because the cats bring them in, but can’t be bothered to kill them. End result is that I’ve never interacted with mice so frequently. Here’s a new friend:
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I did some studio audience warm-up for Paul O'Grady's sitcom Eyes Down in 2003. He always went out of his way to big me up to the crowd so they'd treat me with respect. A truly lovely man. Thoughts with his family & friends. This young actress seems vaguely familiar?
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At every venue I go to on tour, I insert a clause into my backstage rider requesting half a dozen oiled-up men for me to fight. So far, only
@EpsomPlayhouse
has come through with the goods. I’m back there again tonight with lovely
@VivGroskop
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What a sad day. 15 Storeys High was outstanding. Also, Sean’s Edinburgh hour “No Flatley, I am the Lord of the Dance” was one of my favourite titles (and shows) of all time.
I’ll be one of a thousand people saying this today, but if you haven’t watched Sean Lock’s ‘15 Storeys’, please do. It’s an amazing demonstration of his talent. Surreal, mordant and incredibly funny.
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Has there ever been a sore loser on
#popmaster
? So pure, every single time I’ve heard it:
“Smashing work, well done”, “Thanks mate, you did have some tough questions there.” “Good luck for the 3 in 10”. Professional sporters could learn from it.
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The years of hard work and sacrifice have finally paid off. Our Edinburgh festival flat has three types of cheese grater and a selection of Tupperware. All with lids.
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Yep. Just the kindest, funniest, most decent woman. Never met anyone who’s encountered her IRL and not basked in the positive energy that she radiates.
100% solidarity with Jo Brand, one of the absolute best women.
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Thanks for the lovely birthday wishes. Started the day in the gym. Picked up a kettle bell, put my back out, hobbled to the changing room and had to ask another woman to help me put on my bra.
#stillinmyprime
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Could not in a million years write a better punchline than the one this guy provides at the end of the clip
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Our Lucy P starts her tenure as
#Pointless
host this afternoon! 🥳
Tune in at 5.15pm on
@BBCOne
!
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I’m in Aldi. Anyone need anything? L’Aire du Tainte par exemple?
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And what a treat this was! We devised some dynamite new gameshow formats for Mr Sheen to present. Plus “Chris Tarrant” popped in to host our listener quiz.
Just before settling down to enjoy the final part of
#Quiz
@jenlion
&
@lucyportercomic
preparer a rather special treat for this Friday’s episode!
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Thanks so much for your birthday wishes. Love you all. Being in showbiz and celebrating turning 50 feels a bit like being a racehorse celebrating a broken leg 😂 but I’m so grateful for all the amazing people in my life. Husband bought me a pot noodle flavour I’ve never tried!
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Just FYI, this would've been the poster for the Edinburgh fringe show I would've just finished performing if the festival would've been happening. This picture was shot back in the happy days when we could just lick everything with gay abandon.
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One of the best things about being back on the road is getting to
#thrive
on the
#nutritionallybalanced
meals prepared for me by my personal tour chef.
#keto
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Don’t know about you, but after a busy night at work, I like to relax by coming home and wrestling a frog from the jaws of a cat and then walking half a mile down the road to release it by the river.
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Having a sort out and found a load of stuff my mum kept from when she moved to London. I’ve decided that tonight I’m heading out to the theatre in the 1950s. You’re welcome to come, which of these do you fancy seeing?
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Thanks to all of you who’ve let me know about my mention on
@OnlyConnectQuiz
It’s absolutely the best thing that’s happened to me since 2019. I love this show so much.
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Bittersweet day at
@SlapstickFest
with so many people sharing happy memories of Barry. Such a brilliant, lovely man. I’ll head to his favourite Hatch End pub as soon as possible and raise a glass ❤️❤️❤️
#RIPBarry
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What’s your role on family holidays? Mine is “trying to convince everyone they’re having a good time despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”
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Thanks to everyone who’s asked if I’ve sorted my Edinburgh festival accommodation. It’s all good. I’m sharing this place in Carnoustie with a seven piece Estonian improv troupe. Only £4k for the whole month!
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First
@TheNewsQuiz
of the year tonight, and it was a delight to record. Hope it will be fun to listen to.
@MrNishKumar
was a fantastic host, and we were all grateful to Meghan and Harry for giving us something other than war and politics to talk about.
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My husband gets the campaign for real ale magazine delivered, and the front cover is always pleasingly bleak.
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Enjoying a slap-up Valentine’s dinner with someone I truly adore.
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Today I am reminded of the businessman I met at a function who showed me that his morning alarms were labelled with things like “let’s knock today out of the park!”, “believe in yourself!” and “success starts now!”
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Been in car with kids for 18+ hours this holiday. Wrangling them through moods including giggly, sullen, furious, bouncy ... now I realise what 20 years of driving comedians around was preparing me for.
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Think it’s my last shift on
#pointless
today. Thank you to Xander, the production team and crew for being so welcoming, and to the brilliant contestants ⭐️ Thanks Mr Osman for letting me borrow his chair and 🥂 to the viewers ❤️
Apply to be on it here:
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It’s
@bigedwards
birthday yet again. He got some new swimming goggles and a Toblerone. Here he is, positively radiant at 51.
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Hugest thanks to my amazing venue staff
@ThePleasance
, think we formed a really special bond this month guys. Young people just find me so inspiring and fun! ❤️
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Just found my old Avalon Student Network tour pack from 1997. This was the info they sent to the acts. I remember tickets for these shows generally cost £2.50. You’d probably pay a bit more to see some of these acts now.
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Happy birthday to
@bigedwards
who is quite possibly the best husband I’ve ever had. As befits a man of his age, I’m taking him to a garden centre for lunch.
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@JasonManford
I’m staying in the absolutely gorgeous bridal suite at my hotel tonight. Was boasting to a friend, and she said “yeah, but think what will have gone on in that room”. Then I started to notice the … erm … marks on the soft furnishings …
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My neighbour is fostering a cat and her kittens for
@RSPCA_official
so I sneaked a peek at feeding time. Turn up the sound for many purrs.
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As everyone is rightly saying, he was an excellent comedian and a lovely man. Such sad news.
We are desperately sad to announce that Jeremy Hardy, mainstay of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and The News Quiz, and one of the funniest people around, has died of cancer aged 57. Our thoughts are with all who knew and loved him.
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Happiest of birthdays to the gorgeous, brilliant
@jenlion
The kindest, cleverest, funniest human you could ever hope to meet. I look up to her in every way. ❤️❤️❤️
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Walking home through Shoreditch, managed to terrify loads of hipsters dressed as Satan/Dracula with my ghastly 'Suburban Mum' costume.
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If you’re a comedian doing your tax return, don’t forget to declare all the money you’ve made from your podcast. (Lol)
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Lovely radio recording tonight with brilliant people. Only remembered to take a photo when we were all packing up to go home, but I think this captures the glamour of it all.
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Y’know how loads of chicken shops call themselves Dallas/Tennessee/Kansas fried chicken to avoid legal difficulties with KFC? These mavericks are flirting with a whole other trademark infringement situation.
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If anyone in Elephant and Castle has lost this beautiful, pregnant calico cat please get in touch. I’ve taken her to the vet but sadly she is unchipped.
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Thanks for all the kind words and, er, other feedback 😂 re
#pointless
An honour to sit in the big man’s chair,
@richardosman
makes it look easy, but it’s the most nerve-wracking temping job I’ve had! Luckily the crew and contestants are lovely. Eric and June did so well❤️
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Just checking, Netflix will give me some kind of medal or trophy when I’ve watched every one of their true crime documentaries right? Otherwise I might feel like I’m wasting my life.
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It’s only through writing a quiz tonight that I’ve realised Liverpool FC is an anagram of Pelvic Floor. I presume you were already fully aware of this
@lauralexx
?
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It’s my birthday! And how better to celebrate 30 glorious years* than in Bristol
@SlapstickFest
﹡ᵖᶫᵘˢ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵃᶰᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ¹⁸ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ’ᵐ ᶰᵒᵗ ᶜᵒᵘᶰᵗᶦᶰᵍ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʷᵉʳᵉ ᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ʰᵒʳʳᵉᶰᵈᵒᵘˢ ᵒʳ ˢᶦᵐᵖᶫʸ ˢᵘᵇᵖᵃʳ
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Our 8 year old is coping with confinement by pretending the house is a hotel and he’s the manager. Tomorrow is Gourmet Night apparently. I asked him what special, fancy foods were on offer and he said proudly “salad cream!”
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An absolute pleasure working with all these people, and an utter privilege to be in the room when Bob weaves his magical tales.
Joining us on BRAND NEW Would I Lie To You? will be this glorious bunch -
@thedebbiemcgee
@DionDublinsDube
@lucyportercomic
and of course
@RealBobMortimer
. Here's a pic to prove it. Friday, 9:30pm on BBC1!
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I’m away for the weekend.
As we all know, one of the best things about unloading the dishwasher is the chance to do “Wolverine Plates”.
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Fair play to them, everyone’s sick of their family after Christmas aren’t they?
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I’m at
#edfringe
because the gorgeous
@drunkwomenpod
are letting me stay in their glamorous student accommodation. You can tell it’s designed for young people because there is a mirror directly opposite the shower. Ghastly.
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Over the last few weeks I have coped with frogs, a bat, and a number of other mice, but this is my limit. I’m moving to Antarctica. Please give the Royal Mail my forwarding address and tell the children I love them.
This tiny mouse gave my wife a delightful surprise by hiding in her pyjama trousers. To her credit, she was very composed and even poured half a glass of wine down the sink so she could trap it. Mouse now safely outside, high on wine fumes. Wife inside, similar.
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Whenever I find myself amongst cool people, my energy is 100% "session bass player with The Jesus and Mary Chain" (an English band).
@amandakredman
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This is how lovely
@richardosman
is: when I forgot to plug
@FingersBuzzers
on
@TVsPointless
he did it for me. I am bad at PR.
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Last night I had a blast entertaining the delightful dorks of Dorking as support for
@JasonManford
Jason is such a fantastic comedian and all round good guy. If you were there, the Alexa story he told was 100% true and caused a *slightly* awkward moment in my kitchen.
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We made a sign, which meant we had to clap one handed. Fantastic response in our street and surrounding streets. What a lovely noise. Well done everyone and heartfelt thanks to all of you who are working so hard to keep us safe and well.
#clapforourcarers
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Cariad is such a fantastic interviewer and lovely person. She makes even talking about sad stuff feel ok. It’s my dad’s deathiversary today, I talk about him and my mum in this.
❤️ Welcome to Series 4 with the wonderful
@lucyportercomic
talking
#grief
,
#parenthood
+ helpful builders 🔨 You can listen on
@acast
or download from
@ApplePodcasts
🎧
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Please indulge me as I share a little bit of personal joy tonight. Recorded a radio show within literal staggering distance of my home, to a gorgeous, socially distanced crowd of friends and family ❤️thanks to
@gordongkennedy
@LukeKempner
@PinnerPlayers
@Scriblit
@MikeShephard
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😃😃😃
Congratulations to
@lucyportercomic
who takes her place in the Top 10 scorers of all-time and becomes the highest ever scorer in a Champions Week!
#HouseOfGames
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An emotional yet joyful day talking to the wonderful Cariad Lloyd about grief, guilt and glass clowns for
@thegriefcast
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I was recently lucky enough to join these absolute legends for a fun game. First time I’ve been the youngest person on a panel show in about 25 years. Audience feedback: “your singing was so … brave!”
@ISIHAClue
Series 79 Episode 6
🗓️Monday 18 December
📻
@BBCRadio4
🕡6:30pm
#⃣545th show
🎤
@fredmacaulay
's 16th appearance
🎤
@omid9
's 12th
🎤
@themiltonjones
' 10th
🎤
@lucyportercomic
's 2nd
🎙️
@TheRealJackDee
's 171st as host
🎹Colin Sell's 497th
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Thanks for all your kind messages about
@ITVChase
.
Last time I was on ITV at Christmas was 23 years ago. My first ever TV appearance, on Russ Abbot's Xmas Madhouse in a saucy Pride and Prejudice spoof.
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Absolute banger of a tune from
@LesDennis
with his late, great comedy partner Dustin Gee as Vera and Mavis from Corrie. Perhaps
@jenlion
and I could recreate this when we interview Les this weekend?
@FingersBuzzers
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Slightly urgent question: I’ve given up chocolate for lent. Caramac doesn’t count does it?
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This is one for
@bushontheradio
Tonight
@bigedwards
and I started playing the ‘Allo ‘Allo board game. It’s great! If a bit complicated. Finally we’ve had to puck up the beard, shit the box and goo to bud, otherwise we wouldn’t get a wank of sloop.
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If you’ve been helping
@SarahMillican75
choose her nail colour, you might like to try the make-up looks I found in my 80s Girls World instruction manual.
#glamourousnightchezmoi
#joinin
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This one is called Pearl and she loves climbing up your leg. Ouch factor 10/10. Cute factor same.
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I only have one thing to add to this excellent
#edfringe
thread: Drink as much red wine as you can. It can only affect your judgement/ dignity in a good way.
Happy Edinburgh Fringe everyone! I’ve seen lots of great people giving great advice and I thought I’d share my tips.
1. Do a good show. You’ve paid a lot of money to be there and put yourself through so much already. Don’t be bad.
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@CAHT
@RachelFairburn
Driver: Stirling Moss
Photographer: David Bailey
Cook: Fanny Craddock/ Delia Smith
Footballer: George Best/Pele
All inherited from parents, even now I’m not sure I know enough about anything to confidently update them.
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I have long adored this show; I think the format, questions and host are all fantastic. It was a treat to compete with these brilliant people. The final was pretty tense, but we’ve all had a tense time in general this week, so I think you’ll cope.
An absolutely barnstorming final on this week's
#HouseOfGames
at 6 on BBC2. It's really is a cracker, with
@AJOdudu
@neildelamere
@MarkBillingham
and
@lucyportercomic
. Don't miss it!
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Well, this is nice.
@ThePleasance
have built a cabinet to house my many comedy trophies. Leave room for this year’s guys!
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A tin of Heinz beans in a Sports Direct mug. Cooking doesn’t get more British than this
#PostGigCuisine
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Well this is enlightening. Turns out I’m expending more energy running from room to room to get away from my family than I did when I was able to roam abroad freely.
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Our bright spot in all this is that we get to walk our neighbour’s dog. She’s a beautiful, bouncy girl (dog not neighbour) but I think she knows we are inexperienced walkers so she takes the mickey a bit like we used to with supply teachers.
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Inspired by my visit to Westward Ho! I’m starting a campaign for more interesting punctuation in UK place names. Initial ideas:
Cock,er,mouth
(Milton); (Keynes)
Bangor?
Ashby! De! La! Zouch!
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My mum went to Barr’s Hill School, Coventry in the 1950s. Turns out she was there with Delia Derbyshire, who wrote this delightful poem in the school magazine.
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Who needs fancy Zoom backgrounds when you have a collection of terrifying clowns?
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Also, this merchandising stand from our local Boots. Would have loved to be in that meeting. I bet there were tears, furious recriminations, and the air conditioning bill was massive. But they’ve forgotten all about it now.
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Lady from the RSPCA said people are reluctant to adopt black cats because they don't photograph well. Our Fluffy Jnr proves that's nonsense.
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I have deleted my silly little tweet about the radio 4 commissions round because it was open to misinterpretation. Basically I wanted to say that in the olden days we could get rejected and just move on with our lives rather than feeling obliged to do the same work for £0
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