Sarah Kendall
@Sarah_Kendall
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33,742
Following
461
Media
9
Statuses
1,031
comedian, writer, AI-generated thirst trap
Joined April 2009
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राजीव गांधी
• 59545 Tweets
#呪術廻戦
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定額減税
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オールスター
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給与明細
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招待コード
• 32708 Tweets
梅津さん
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#ファンパレ
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梅雨入り
• 28645 Tweets
梅津秀行さん
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間質性肺炎
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ZAGATKANDIAZ GalauerPRINCE
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BikinBAPER LevelMAKSIMAL
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ザレイズ
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テイルズ
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Samsung A55
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#JagannathParivar
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This ‘hatred’ Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson claim to feel for Meghan Markle- while lying awake at night imaging her naked- is overt sexual obsession. It’s staggering that this is being played out publicly.
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This was on at like 4pm
Australian children’s television series ‘Round The Twist’.
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Mutter to myself “fucking typical”
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Imagine being British and complaining about feeling colonised.
Living in London I get homesick for England
It’s not ours anymore. It’s not British.
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No matter what your politics are, surely we all agree that watching anything on your phone in a public space without your headphones on is an act of wilful cuntery.
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For people like me who have known of Andrew Tate for about 3 days, it really has been quite a ride.
No notes.
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Why is it that I don’t follow Sophie Corcoran but I’m suddenly seeing all her tweets? Is that a new thing?
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I love that Chi has responded to this nasty bullying schoolyard bitch shit by just being her talented hilarious self ❤️
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They must’ve cut the bit where she screams into a pillow for eternity
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I just bumped into a friend walking with a baby asleep in a pram. We chatted and when I said ‘you’re shitting me!’ she covered the sleeping baby’s ears. I have just discovered I hate her.
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Bus went past with a massive advert for the Elvis movie, my daughter said ‘who’s Elvis?’ This tweet is for everyone who works in show business: we really shouldn’t worry too much about our careers.
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I moved out of a property 3 months ago, left it in really good condition, and Foxtons won’t return my phone calls or answer my emails regarding my deposit. Any suggestions what I should do
@foxtons
? Pretty sure I would’ve been evicted if I’d been 3 months late on rent.
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I love waking up to calm silence, reaching for my phone, and reading a long twitter spat between people I don’t know on a topic I don’t understand.
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It’s so great when you’ve hated Maroon 5 for this long to have something this solid to work with.
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Bottom right has ambition and I like that in a bat.
We’ve reached that point in the week where we would all benefit from seeing some baby bats eating bananas
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This is how I would reach my word count when I was in high school
Penny Mordaunt, "Stand up and fight, because when you stand up and fight, the person beside you stands up and fights. And when our party stands up and fights, the nation stands up and fights. And when our nation stands up and fights, other nations stand up and fight. And they
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Ben’s quite right. I’m 46 and I think he looks like an absolute bellend.
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Cooking the right amount of spaghetti
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Nope they all suck ladies are so dumb and their periods make me 🤮 BOYS ROCK
Are female comedians funny. If “yes”, who are they?
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When I get take-out curry I demurely spoon out half the contents of the container knowing full well I will not only finish the other half, I will drink the sauce out of the container on the way to the bin.
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On the one hand I want to leave twitter, on the other hand I don’t want to miss the unravelling of James Corden.
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If you’re ever unsure about just how little a fuck our society gives about young girls…
New films from Roman Polanski and Woody Allen will premiere at the Venice Film Festival…
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First they came for Tzatziki, and I did not speak out
imagine the word gnocchi. imagine how one might say gnocchi. imagine how one might pronounce gnocchi badly. then listen.
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Prince Andrew Prince Andrew Prince Andrew Prince Andrew Prince Andrew
The mob after Jeremy Clarkson this morning for pointing out Meghan Markle is an inherently unlikeable fake person and then joking about flinging poo at her.
No amount of faux outrage and hysteria over "misogyny" can conceal the fact that, yes indeed, she is a detestable grifter.
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Finally. An arrowproof car.
Joe Rogan fires an arrow at the cybertruck while Elon smokes a cigar. It’s arrowproof.
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Ok we’re now beyond parody.
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I love that I’ve been on this site for over a decade, and at the top of my ‘for you’ page is always an NFL interview with some man I’ve never heard of from some team called like the Utah Dolphins.
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Damn just watched Muriel’s Wedding again, that scene where Toni Collette and Rachel Griffiths mime Waterloo! The uncertainty turning to confidence and then losing themselves in the joy as the crowd goes wild…. Perfect moment in a perfect film.
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I recently had a very terse text message exchange with a real estate agent, and I’ve just remembered my WhatsApp profile is me dressed as a foam oyster.
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I remember meeting Cal Wilson a thousand years ago when we were both starting out at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I liked her instantly. Over the years she was one of those people I was always so happy to see when festival time came around. Sending so much love to her family. X
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My children just witnessed the miracle of me licking the AAA batteries to get the remote control to work for one more day.
My Sony Walkman taught me well.
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I was in a beer garden and Harvest Moon started playing. A couple got up and started slow dancing, and the whole beer garden watched on with what I can only describe as complete and total loathing. Still very proud of all those strangers gathered that day.
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This looks like a bunch of sweet kids in cool clothes have I missed something
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Imagine if the king declined a coronation in light of the cost of living crisis and instead channeled all that money into the charities he supports.
Instead, we’re invited to pledge allegiance to the guy in the silly hat now that the stone of destiny had arrived.
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Funny how pretty much every man on this shit site claiming to speak truth to the Matrix is also a sexual predator.
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What’s so interesting about Liz Truss is that she is exactly what I would sound like if you asked me questions about interests rates.
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I’m sorry but the death of Bing Bong in Inside Out destroys me every fucking time.
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I just got a promoted ad for the world’s
#1
catholic prayer app I’m not sure the algorithm is as sophisticated as we thought
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I remember a time when I barely thought about Elon Musk.
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I genuinely thought that everybody does this
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This is not goofy. A goof will:
-smear chocolate brownie in the napkin and pretend to wipe her bum
-pour ketchup into a tissue, blow her nose and pretend it’s a medical crisis
-pepper conversations with ‘asphinctersayswhat?’ so that you say ‘what?’
My culture is not a costume.
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A while ago I tweeted
@foxtons
that my landlord withheld a portion of my deposit unfairly. They were useless. Then this hero
@TomMelville1
DM’d me legal advice. With a small amount of legal pressure the landlord has return the full sum. Tom thanks so much you champ x
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Had a fight in traffic today, I told a man ‘you drive like a prick’ and he responded ‘you drive like a fat cunt’ so I think we both displayed a solid grasp of similes.
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I can’t stop watching tik toks where some American woman is basically pouring 3 litres of butter over canned cheese saying ‘this is gonna be YUMMY’
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Today I put air in my car tyres at the petrol station and realised I was nodding at fellas like we all worked together in a steel factory.
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This is messed up and gross but also why is his head 3 times the size of hers
Dane Cook, 51, marries longtime partner Kelsi Taylor, 24, after six years of dating.
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Finally. We’re back on topic.
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Jesus wept this lift WREAKS of guff and you’re the only one here so I know you dropped your guts I’m joking i just farted.
You have 6 seconds to talk to me 👋 what would you say? 🤐
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If Tom Hanks shouted at me to ‘back the fuck up’ I would soil myself and cry forever
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Just when I think I’m going to leave twitter….
I disagree that you dress like Cary Grant. In this thread, I will list some of the ways in which your dress differs and why such important details matter. 🧵
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Instead of us being constantly disappointed by celebrities we should probably just start with the assumption that most of them are total assholes.
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I was loudly announcing that I was STARVING because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast then I remembered I had a large Big Mac meal for lunch.
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Look how stunned I am. IN CHARACTER.
Winner of the Best Individual Performance in a Comedy-Drama Series is
@Sarah_Kendall
for
#FrayedTV
S2
#C21DramaAwards
#ContentLondon
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Coincidentally, also how I celebrated my 16th birthday
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Hi
@foxtons
I’ve just been informed that my ex-landlord is claiming redecorating expenses out of my deposit, as he’s now selling the flat I rented.
Feels exceptionally douchey, what are your thoughts?
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The amount of hatred being directed at Meghan is so off the fucking charts it’s embarrassing.
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I can’t get enough of this. He is such a train wreck.
Musk: “The only reason I am here, Jonathan, is because you are a friend.”
Andrew: “I am Andrew.”
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So I hit repost instead of quote and now I cannot undo the repost, so now I’ve just reposted a video of a laser gun WITHOUT my snarky comment attached, so it looks like I just like laser guns why is this site so fucked I hate it
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Everything about this tweet has aged so beautifully.
I'd choose Andrew Tate's life *every single time* over the life of a half-educated, doom-mongering eco-cultist. And the only car I own is a diesel Tiguan. 🤷🏻♀️ 1/2
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Knew it.
Goldie Hawn reveals that she met 'aliens' in her 20s who 'touched her face'
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I dream of being fucked up by this kind of wealth
Elton John’s ‘don’t do drugs’ tale is quite something
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Awwww Bring Your Daughter to Work Day!!! So sweet 💕
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Um I need the details of how to enter this contest….
Tonight the Brooklyn Cyclones hosted their annual Seinfeld Night along with the epic an Elaine dance contest that once again did not disappoint and you gotta love The Wiz hosting it 🤣
Via
@NewYorkNico
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@KerryAGodliman
To end the debate: no, they are not. No woman has ever, in all of human history, intentionally said or done anything humorous.
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Fantastic announcement on the train just now, “Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently running 4 minutes ahead of schedule, in the scheme of things this means… nothing.”
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As of 2024 this is how I enter every room
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And yet when I swallow a beach towel I get nothing but insults.
Team of vets pull AN ENTIRE BEACH TOWEL out of a python in Australia – with their bare hands.
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Holy moly Girls5Eva is so fucking hilarious. I just accidentally inhaled all 3 seasons in one week. Someone please make more pleeeeeeaaaasssse
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Ok now I get why people go nuts about dogs. I officially retract all my snark.
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Hey Queen Mary looks like Dennis Waterman yeah I’m procrastinating
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Oh my god he’s like the worst mc in the worst comedy club
Matty Healy of The 1975 reacts to a fan telling him their name at an album signing event.
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Elon Musk is like the unpopular kid whose parents go away for the weekend so he hosts a big party but spends the whole fucking party reminding everyone it’s HIS house.
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he’s not even good at ‘acting’ shopping
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has been seen at King's Cross railway station purchasing seasonal treats, which were reportedly for key workers.
Latest politics news 👉
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Please someone make 6 one hour eps of this
Half of British television always starts like this.
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My excuse is that I’m 46
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Late submission, but…
We will adopt your baby.
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nadine Dorries jointly endorse Liz Truss, saying she has "got the character to lead the party and the nation" and "is a woman."
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Just realised the only thing getting me through at the moment are viral clips of Jennifer Coolidge’s acceptance speeches
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Yes I hate Twitter. But the 1st tweet I read today was the deactivated account of a dead billionaire’s stepson trying to get Blink182’s attention, the next tweet claimed it was Sam Smith crowd surfing but it was a portly chap dressed as a ninja turtle. And that’s why I stay.
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She’ll be discussing this A LOT in therapy in her 30s
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He also said that if he’d been on one of the planes on 9/11 that he would’ve averted it so maybe he just talks a lot of shit
Mark Wahlberg is a rare actor that promotes religious values instead of satanism.
Respect 🫡
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Hopefully they’ll weigh in on whether or not Dolly Parton should be gigging.
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This video has filled me with joy on every possibly level
This little girl is going to be the funniest person ever when she grows up
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At what age do I get to stop pretending to be happy about other people’s good news?
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Oh god please please please watch the full clip of Elon soiling his pants in real time.
I was in the room when these five minutes happened and still can’t believe these five minutes happened.
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A perfect example of a right wing ‘joke’ that makes absolutely no sense.
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Why is the monkey dressed for dinner and the ducks are naked typical ducks
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I was joyfully scrolling through all the 30 Rock tweets and felt this wave of nostalgia: that’s what being on this site used to feel like. I haven’t been cheered up by twitter in a long time.
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Well done guys we’ve nearly got through Sunday evening. The shittest of all the evenings.
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And this is how I found out that there’s a guy called Bad Bunny.
Forbes names Bad Bunny the new “King Of Pop” in new magazine cover. This title was previously held by Michael Jackson.
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I’m sorry but all this shit talking about Cilla Black when WW3 is brewing… it’s what keeps me coming back to this godforsaken site.
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To be fair none of us have stopped farting since 2017
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I believe the key to great acting is to either shout or talk so quietly you need the subtitles on.
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Just got a SIM card out with a paper clip and feel like MacGyver.
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