Nick Pettigrew
@Nick_Pettigrew
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The paperback edition of ‘Anti Social’ is out now. Buy it, why don’t you?
Joined April 2010
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Here’s something I honestly never thought I’d get to say:
My book is a Sunday Times bestseller.
Thank you to everyone who helped get it to print & thank you to everyone who’s bought it so far.
I’m dumbfounded & incredibly happy, so forgive me for tooting my own horn a bit.
Oof.
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The Met say in relation to the Downing St Christmas party that they don’t investigate crimes retrospectively.
That is literally the only way you can investigate crimes.
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The fact that in the last decade Martin Lewis has had to go from 'The guy who tells you who's doing two-for-one deals or how to get a good mortgage rate' to 'Here's what you can do to get emergency help to stop starving/freezing to death' speaks for itself.
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Those BBC negotiations in full:
“Delete the tweets”
“No”
“Okay, well, apologise for them”
“No”
“We’ll get somebody else in to do your job if you don’t”
*Everyone downs tools*
“Will you at least promise not to tweet political stuff in the future?”
“No”
“Okay, we have a deal”
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If I spend the rest of my life writing comedy I may never write something as funny as shouting “Get tae fuck, ya junkie” at an Orca:
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Voyager 1 makes me oddly emotional. This little guy made of bits of tinfoil (by modern comparison), out there in the loneliest place imaginable, cold and dark, still trying his best to do his job.
Voyager 1 transmitting data again after Nasa remotely fixes 46-year-old probe
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“Laying down a £5 bunch of flowers for the Queen while ensuring I’m in focus & look suitably pensive” is a whole new genre. Greasy, amoral fraud that he is.
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The focus has been on A* students losing their Oxbridge places, but from personal experience, I feel most sorry for the middling students whose C grades they've been denied was going to give them escape velocity to an average uni from a life & a town they can't wait to leave.
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I'm not an epidemiologist but announcing the end of all mitigating factors for a disease that killed 438 people yesterday feels like an act of criminal negligence that will condemn tens of thousands of people to death or chronic illness.
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Fuck me, he looks like a homeless Thundercat.
Wetherspoons cuts average price of pint by 20p today – you can thank Brexit
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Fully expecting tomorrow's Word Of The Day from Susie Dent to be 'Cunts'.
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It's why the Downing St parties matter. Every funeral missed, every unattended life event, all of it. People quietly allowed heartbreak they'll never recover from into their lives, without complaint or hope of reward, because of a sense of duty their leaders have never displayed.
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If you want to know why women don't report assaults, a footballer was kissed against her will in front of millions worldwide, the guy who did it didn't resign & gave a completely different version of events than those caught on camera & people are still debating what happened.
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Overpriced? I'd rather pay £4.50 for a tub of nice ice cream I actually get than, say, £53m for a bridge that never got built, £14m for a shipping contract with somebody who owns no boats or £108m for PPE that can't be used. Or the £150k in expenses Priti Patel claimed in 2017-18
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Fun fact: That engagement ring she's wearing would keep this charity going for nearly six years.
The Princess of Wales is visiting
@TheBabyBank
in Windsor this morning, to hear about the work it is doing to support families in need across Berkshire and Buckinghamshire:
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A Prime Minister should be getting interviewed, not interviewing people. The head of a country fawning over a billionaire. This is as pathetic as it is worrying.
PM Rishi Sunak says he’s “very excited” to be interviewing Elon Musk
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In hell, you go to a swinger’s party, and these people answer the door.
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Yes, but all 67 million of us won’t fit in Parliament. That’s why we have MPs to represent us. Stop me if this is getting too complicated.
As a Brexiteer, I didn't vote to bring back power from the EU to the British Parliament. I voted to bring back power to the British people.
MPs don't get the final say. We, the people, do.
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Diplomatic relations between the UK and Greece seem to be on the mend this morning as Downing St takes delivery of an enormous wooden horse.
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If Theresa May thinks your policing bill is needlessly draconian and authoritarian, it's possible you may have gone a bit too far.
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Everyone involved in this article - commissioning, writing, sourced quotes, etc - need their hard drives searching urgently. Because “Woman wearing skirt leads PM into sexual frenzy” is a problem. As is “Working class woman couldn’t possibly be as clever as Oxford-educated man”.
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Once you get past the circus & the shouting you’re left with the fact that the serving Home Secretary uses phrases like “Guardian reading, tofu eating wokerati”. Somebody who holds one of the highest positions of state & talks like Alex Jones.
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Many years from now, once we’re all dead, history teachers are going to have a job on their hands explaining to pupils how disaster capitalists betting against the pound were portrayed as patriots & people arguing that the poor shouldn’t starve to death were viewed as traitors.
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“Mum, I’ve got some news about work”
“What is it?”
“Let me drive you to a park bench so I can tell you”
“Wait, what?”
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If only there was some clue based on the company he kept…
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Minimum wage wouldn't exist in 96, when she was 16, for another 3yrs.
McDonald's paid £3.25 p/hr in 97 for over-18s so she'd have been on less than that. But let's say £3.25.
Personal allowance in 96 was £4,000, so she'd have paid nothing on that. That's 24 hrs p/week tax-free.
🗣️Kemi Badenoch: I know what it's like flipping burgers at 16, on minimum wage, and then watching my pay slip away to taxes. What I want to do is cut fuel duty but we need to look at why the cost-of-living is rising and the problem is inflation
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Must be the same youth centre Luke Littler went to.
PM Rishi Sunak on a visit to a Nottinghamshire youth centre today
“2024 is going to be a better year” he says
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Unless you’re gay, black, transgender, foreign, voted Remain, unemployed, work for the BBC, a single parent, feminist, an NHS worker, Northern, vote Labour, Muslim, overweight, an educator, working class, sexually liberated, vegetarian or believe climate change exists.
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“Just cast my vote and today I’ll b…wait a second, how the FUCK is this youth centre still open?”
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While there are competing arguments around the validity of milkshake-throwing as a form of political protest, seeing Farage go from photo 1 to photo 2 is objectively, quantifiably fucking hilarious.
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Didn't debate Corbyn
Didn't meet Grenfell victims
Still hasn't met Manchester bombing victims
Won't fire Boris
Tries not to criticise Trump
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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Some suggestions:
Reinstate 20,000 police officers
Reinstate 1,000 Sure Start centres
Reinstate the £737m cut from youth services
Re-open 600 youth centres
Reinstate 3,500 youth workers
All of them cut on your government’s watch since 2010.
As Home Secretary I am absolutely determined to tackle knife crime and will work with anyone to stop this senseless violence. This is an issue we are confronting head-on - I will not write-off a generation of young people
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“THIS WEEK, I ‘AVE BEEN MOSTLY OBSERVING SILENCES.”
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All the recent styling of Liz Truss as the next Iron Lady falls down on one important point. Many though Margaret Thatcher’s faults were, one thing she wasn’t was thick as shit.
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If you stole a box of baby milk from Tesco, your first interview would be under police caution. And then there's this.
I will appear on ‘Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg’ this weekend with my husband for our first exclusive interview since beginning our fightback against DHSC.
@bbclaurak
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Fair play to Amber Rudd. 10pm on a Sunday night, finishing the 2nd bottle of wine, going “Monday? Nah, sod that.” We’ve all dreamed of it.
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Every pub in Britain has a dickhead like this, usually lurking near the fruit machine.
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Voting for the withdrawal agreement because you're tired of hearing about Brexit is like buying your child that flamethrower they've been nagging you for.
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His well-documented short temper, arrogance, absence of charisma and inability to think on his feet is going to be car-crash stuff to watch once the election campaign actually starts. Comes across here as an entitled little brat.
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It’s odd how the meaning of phrases changes over time. 25yrs ago, ‘liberal elite’ meant half a dozen Fabians drinking coffee in Islington & discussing Locke. Today it means ‘anyone who doesn’t hate brown people or can read’.
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This is literally a gag from Brass Eye:
"Why are we demanding people show ID when this country has never had a problem with voter impersonation"
"You don't know when its happening"
"So presumably you've got lots of evidence its taking place?"
"...by definition it doesn't get detected"
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If you want to know what systemic racism & misogyny looks like, it’s having a debate about whether a political donor saying he wants to shoot a black MP is a bad thing and not allowing that MP to talk on her own behalf while she’s stood in the same room asking to speak.
#PMQs
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Turns out the easiest way to completely ruin Rishi Sunak’s political career is to simply let him speak in front of a camera for an extended period of time.
The man’s a total bin fire. A deeply weird and nasty human being.
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So I’m clear - somebody knowingly destroyed the papers of 100s/1000s of UK citizens, which they later asked them to produce, stuffed those people onto planes to countries they’d never been, with no trial, & that person now runs the country? I’ve got that right, haven’t I?
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Just to put things into context, the cost of the UK's failed Test & Trace project (£22bn) could pay for the entire fishing industry's contribution to the economy for the next 49 years (£446m p/a).
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Dorries has both resigned and not resigned. She's like Schrodinger's Gobshite.
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"32% of mammals are herbivores, therefore you are perfectly safe in a tiger enclosure. I am clever."
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Yeah but I don’t have to shit in a bucket so, y’know, swings and roundabouts.
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The UK is ranked 50th-highest in the world for median age. We're ranked 36th in the world for obesity. We have one airport in the top 40 busiest airports in the world (China has 7, for example). None of these excuses work. It took me five mins to look this up. Do your job, BBC.
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Disabled people must work from home to do ‘their duty’, says UK minister
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'Shortage of volunteers'? You run part of the UK's infrastructure at enormous profit, you're not a charity shop for a donkey sanctuary.
@Nigoleee
Due to a sudden shortage of drivers volunteering to work rest days, we have had to reduce the number of services today. ^PA
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Why would that ‘teach ‘em’? Is being deported to Rwanda bad or something?
My Solution.
Put these Lefty Lawyers on the first plane to Rwanda.
That'll teach 'em.
Immigration law firms brief clients on how to LIE to to win UK asylum via
@MailOnline
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It's not about a Zoom quiz or a glass of wine on a patio or whatever. That's what they want to reduce it to. It's about somebody remembering their mum dying alone because they did the right thing & now feeling awful wondering why they didn't break the rules to be with them.
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BWAAAAAAHAHAHHAAAAAAHAAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAA (1/47)
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Wetherspoons do this all the time & I’m sure you don’t say a word, you boss-eyed blackshirt ballbag.
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Cost of buying all 751 MEPs a standard IPad from Amazon: £225,000
UK taxpayer money spent on restoring the ancestral home of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s mother in law in 2016: £7.6m
Some gravy trains are worse than others, it seems.
I really worry about Twitter. If you honestly believe anyone on a salary of €101k, plus office allowance of €52k each year, on top of three offices and €250k staff salaries NEEDS a free iPad, I’m not sure you ever meet normal people.
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"Brilliant, I've been given a tax rebate in iTunes vouchers! I just need to give them my password to confirm my ID."
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If you’ve tested positive and the track and trace people ask who you’ve been in contact with, just say Dominic Cummings. If everyone who tests positive says that, he won’t be able to leave the house until this is over.
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If Swiss banks think your money is too dirty, oil companies think associating with you makes them look bad & FIFA think you're too corrupt, it's possible you might have gone too far.
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I’m old enough to remember when “It will make fascists angry” was an argument in favour of doing something, not against doing it.
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The best cure for a persistent cough is to stop drinking milk. My elderly neighbour had a hacking cough for months but since he started leaving his milk on his doorstep a couple of weeks ago, it seems to have cleared up completely.
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Islamophobia. Suspended because of Islamophobia.
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Some property developer is about to get a load of HS2 compulsory-purchased land for pennies on the pound & if they don’t have strong links to the Tories I will eat an entire milliner’s-worth of hats. This will be a land grab.
Land acquisition for phase 2a to Crewe suspended immediately…
Government to start reselling properties it bought for hs2 phase 2
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I think the fact that Charlotte Owen has happily taken that life peerage despite knowing the whole country is aware it’s really dodgy says all you need to know about her character.
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While I’ve no doubt Carrie’s an awful human being, this enthusiasm to assign blame to the woman in any situation - rather than the man with decades of deceit, viciousness & incompetence under his belt who’s in the position of power - is contemptible.
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“Former lorry driver Peter Sutcliffe…”
Former athlete Oscar Pistorius has been granted parole, and is to be released from prison on the 5th of January 2024
For more on this and other news visit
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He’s far too nice a person to say this, so I will. The people sending abusive messages to Richard Coles while he mourns the death of his partner need their knees stapled to their ears & to be sewn up in a sack full of wasps.
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Really, though? Have you? Have you really, though? Followed them from an airport or a beach or whatever and stalked them as they made a beeline, without stopping to rest, as they instinctively knew where the nearest benefits office was? Is that a thing that happened? Is it? Eh?
Brexit voting man in white, "I've seen people entering this country and going straight down to the benefits office."
#BBCQT
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"I'm still ill because the NHS provision that used to exist has been sold to a bearded plutocrat cunt."
What’s the best excuse you’ve heard for calling in sick?
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With Sean Lock trending, remember that as incredibly funny as he always was, one of the funniest things you could watch was him finding other people funny. The joy of a gifted comedian just enjoying comedy. It's an underrated thing. The Joe Wilkinson poem makes me *howl*.
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Today in “There is zero chance you will be able to predict the interior decoration of this house” Rightmove news:
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If the combination of these two stories doesn’t make your blood run cold, I don’t know what will.
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There isn’t a photo of Arron Banks in existence where he doesn’t look like a regional manager of an estate agents on his way to a gross misconduct hearing.
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People saying we should cut Boris Johnson some slack and suggesting he deserves a holiday can, and I can't emphasise this enough, get fucked.
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Well if you can't afford to send your kids to private school if the fees go up, maybe you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
That's how this works, right?
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“As a firefighter, I believe that one method is to just let the fire burn out of control until it gets sort of bored, then see what buildings are still standing”
A dangerously-stupid man.
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Oh, great. Germany v England in a football tournament is exactly the kind of flagfucking catnip this febrile hostage situation of a country needs right now.
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Giving Dan Wootton a question at a Covid briefing is like giving a harpsichord to a warthog. There's technically nothing stopping you from doing it but it does seem rather a waste.
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I’m definitely not saying Lucy Allan attended that party & would prefer it wasn’t investigated. I am saying this is the sort of thing you’d say if you were somebody who attended that party & would prefer it wasn’t investigated.
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Which bit?
The Windrush scandal?
The Universal Credit catastrophe?
Selling arms to Saudi Arabia?
Supporting anti-Semitic Hungarian dictators?
Record levels of child poverty, food bank use and homelessness?
Impending No Deal Brexit catastrophe?
Grenfell?
Breaking electoral law?
I want voters who may previously have thought of themselves as Labour supporters to look at my government afresh.
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“I’m not a tax evader. Any more.”
Nadhim Zahawi says he will publish his own tax returns annually if he becomes Prime Minister.
Asked if he will also publish his backdated tax returns for the past ten years, he replies: "I will publish them going forward. I don't think being retrospective is right."
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Here’s what got EggBoy’s account suspended. Now consider the tweets that haven’t got Hopkins, GBH, Prison Pillock etc. suspended & wonder where Twitter’s priorities lie.
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*whispers*
bones bones bones bones
*chants*
Bones Bones Bones Bones
*screams*
BONES BONES BONES BONES
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Fucking hell, even the Daily Mail is calling this an absolute shitshow. This is like Sunak performing at the school nativity and being heckled by his mum.
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Domestic violence isn't a 'family feud' or 'dynamite gossip', you shameless fucking cunts.
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You’re right. I dressed as a pirate in nursery school and now I’m based off the coast of Tortuga in a ship full of stolen booty.
It’s not just “an article of clothing”. It’s a deliberate and pervasive attempt to confuse young minds about their gender identity.
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I’ve just learned that people sent Charles sympathy cards after the Queen died that had money in them, so I’m off out to find a middle-distance I can stare at for a while.
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"Where has all this piss come from?" asks pissy little piss-soaked puppy called Pissypants while sat in a puddle of piss it just pissed.
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