Nick Pettigrew
@Nick_Pettigrew
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The paperback edition of ‘Anti Social’ is out now. Buy it, why don’t you?
Joined April 2010
Here’s something I honestly never thought I’d get to say:.My book is a Sunday Times bestseller. Thank you to everyone who helped get it to print & thank you to everyone who’s bought it so far. I’m dumbfounded & incredibly happy, so forgive me for tooting my own horn a bit. Oof.
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You’re a nepo billionaire with a social media empire & government military contracts. You *are* the machine, you stupid cunt.
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Queen Elizabeth II memorial could cost up to £46 million as search begins for design team.
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The Met say in relation to the Downing St Christmas party that they don’t investigate crimes retrospectively. That is literally the only way you can investigate crimes.
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Modern vehicles ‘too wide for parking spaces’.
Parking spaces 'too narrow for modern vehicles'
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The fact that in the last decade Martin Lewis has had to go from 'The guy who tells you who's doing two-for-one deals or how to get a good mortgage rate' to 'Here's what you can do to get emergency help to stop starving/freezing to death' speaks for itself.
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Those BBC negotiations in full:.“Delete the tweets”.“No”.“Okay, well, apologise for them”.“No”.“We’ll get somebody else in to do your job if you don’t”.*Everyone downs tools*.“Will you at least promise not to tweet political stuff in the future?”.“No”.“Okay, we have a deal”.
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You spend 14 years shitting into a toilet and blame the next person who goes in there when it doesn’t flush.
This is Keir Starmer’s Britain. Labour have lost control of our streets.
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This is a poverty statistic, not a crime statistic.
Crime statistics: Shoplifting up by 20% according to PSNI figures
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Five years ago today I took the best photo I’ll probably ever take. I like good photos and have a four hour bus journey shortly so need entertaining. Feel free to reply with the best photo you ever took. Accompanying description also welcome.
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Rewatching Paddington & I can’t help but notice he manages the whole boat trip from Peru without breaking a single jar of his marmalade. Not so clumsy when it’s your stuff & it matters to you are you, you little prick?.
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Gary Barlow’s son gives one of his Polo Mints to a horse.
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If I spend the rest of my life writing comedy I may never write something as funny as shouting “Get tae fuck, ya junkie” at an Orca:.
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It will never not be funny to me how much this lot fetishise The Matrix, a strongly queer-coded film made by trans sisters about a multiracial group with a strong female lead who fight against militaristic, fascistic conformity brought on by a misplaced trust in tech companies.
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Voyager 1 makes me oddly emotional. This little guy made of bits of tinfoil (by modern comparison), out there in the loneliest place imaginable, cold and dark, still trying his best to do his job.
Voyager 1 transmitting data again after Nasa remotely fixes 46-year-old probe
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Day 1: Nazi salutes.Day 2: Threatening a bishop with deportation. Pace yourself lads, you’ve got four years. At this rate you’ll be on ‘drop-kicking infants into a volcano’ by Easter.
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“Laying down a £5 bunch of flowers for the Queen while ensuring I’m in focus & look suitably pensive” is a whole new genre. Greasy, amoral fraud that he is.
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I remember in my first week of uni, talking about my childhood poverty (meaning food parcels & hiding from the rent man) & somebody said they were once so poor as a kid they had to give up horse riding lessons. This is very much that.
‘There’ll be all sorts of things that I would have wanted as a kid that I couldn’t have - famously Sky TV'. @RishiSunak reveals the sacrifices his parents were forced to make when he was young. Watch full interview on the Tonight programme on ITV at 7pm.
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You’d think that Day 1 training for Russian bot farms shilling for Reform would be to learn the word ‘pub’:
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The focus has been on A* students losing their Oxbridge places, but from personal experience, I feel most sorry for the middling students whose C grades they've been denied was going to give them escape velocity to an average uni from a life & a town they can't wait to leave.
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I'm not an epidemiologist but announcing the end of all mitigating factors for a disease that killed 438 people yesterday feels like an act of criminal negligence that will condemn tens of thousands of people to death or chronic illness.
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Fuck me, he looks like a homeless Thundercat.
Wetherspoons cuts average price of pint by 20p today – you can thank Brexit.
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Sat in a Wetherspoons at 1030 in the morning, to the surprise of absolutely nobody.
ARRESTED ! One of the instigators was arrested this morning . Target 🎯 . Craig Miller.From Stoke on Trent.of no fixed abode. Arrested at the Cooper Rose pub in sunderland at 10:27am. #Sunderland #SunderlandRiot
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Fully expecting tomorrow's Word Of The Day from Susie Dent to be 'Cunts'.
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It's why the Downing St parties matter. Every funeral missed, every unattended life event, all of it. People quietly allowed heartbreak they'll never recover from into their lives, without complaint or hope of reward, because of a sense of duty their leaders have never displayed.
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This inauguration is like a Comic-Con for pieces of shit.
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“I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Gullis eating soup with a fork. I watched Braverman try to deport a sofa. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”
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If you want to know why women don't report assaults, a footballer was kissed against her will in front of millions worldwide, the guy who did it didn't resign & gave a completely different version of events than those caught on camera & people are still debating what happened.
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It’s entirely possible this summer could have Glastonbury, England winning Euro 2024 & the most hated government in living memory being voted into oblivion, all within a fortnight of each other. I hope the nation’s off licenses are making plans.
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Overpriced? I'd rather pay £4.50 for a tub of nice ice cream I actually get than, say, £53m for a bridge that never got built, £14m for a shipping contract with somebody who owns no boats or £108m for PPE that can't be used. Or the £150k in expenses Priti Patel claimed in 2017-18.
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Fun fact: That engagement ring she's wearing would keep this charity going for nearly six years.
The Princess of Wales is visiting @TheBabyBank in Windsor this morning, to hear about the work it is doing to support families in need across Berkshire and Buckinghamshire:
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“Most of my colleagues think I’m a fucking idiot” is a pretty solid reason, in fairness.
Suella Braverman has decided not to run for the Conservative Party leadership. She claims ‘there is no point when most Tory MPs disagree with my diagnosis and prescription of what went wrong and how to fix it’.
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A suspicious person might think that some Very Bad Stuff is about to come out about Reform and that somebody doesn’t want to be a shareholder when it does.
I'm giving up ownership of Reform UK, says Nigel Farage
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In hell, you go to a swinger’s party, and these people answer the door.
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A Prime Minister should be getting interviewed, not interviewing people. The head of a country fawning over a billionaire. This is as pathetic as it is worrying.
PM Rishi Sunak says he’s “very excited” to be interviewing Elon Musk
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Yes, but all 67 million of us won’t fit in Parliament. That’s why we have MPs to represent us. Stop me if this is getting too complicated.
As a Brexiteer, I didn't vote to bring back power from the EU to the British Parliament. I voted to bring back power to the British people. MPs don't get the final say. We, the people, do.
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Diplomatic relations between the UK and Greece seem to be on the mend this morning as Downing St takes delivery of an enormous wooden horse.
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If Theresa May thinks your policing bill is needlessly draconian and authoritarian, it's possible you may have gone a bit too far.
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Everyone involved in this article - commissioning, writing, sourced quotes, etc - need their hard drives searching urgently. Because “Woman wearing skirt leads PM into sexual frenzy” is a problem. As is “Working class woman couldn’t possibly be as clever as Oxford-educated man”.
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Once you get past the circus & the shouting you’re left with the fact that the serving Home Secretary uses phrases like “Guardian reading, tofu eating wokerati”. Somebody who holds one of the highest positions of state & talks like Alex Jones.
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“Mum, I’ve got some news about work”.“What is it?”.“Let me drive you to a park bench so I can tell you”.“Wait, what?”
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Many years from now, once we’re all dead, history teachers are going to have a job on their hands explaining to pupils how disaster capitalists betting against the pound were portrayed as patriots & people arguing that the poor shouldn’t starve to death were viewed as traitors.
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If only there was some clue based on the company he kept…
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Minimum wage wouldn't exist in 96, when she was 16, for another 3yrs. McDonald's paid £3.25 p/hr in 97 for over-18s so she'd have been on less than that. But let's say £3.25. Personal allowance in 96 was £4,000, so she'd have paid nothing on that. That's 24 hrs p/week tax-free.
🗣️Kemi Badenoch: I know what it's like flipping burgers at 16, on minimum wage, and then watching my pay slip away to taxes. What I want to do is cut fuel duty but we need to look at why the cost-of-living is rising and the problem is inflation.
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Must be the same youth centre Luke Littler went to.
PM Rishi Sunak on a visit to a Nottinghamshire youth centre today. “2024 is going to be a better year” he says
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Unless you’re gay, black, transgender, foreign, voted Remain, unemployed, work for the BBC, a single parent, feminist, an NHS worker, Northern, vote Labour, Muslim, overweight, an educator, working class, sexually liberated, vegetarian or believe climate change exists.
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This from a man so physically awkward he looks like a handful of custard being pushed with chopsticks through a revolving door.
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“Just cast my vote and today I’ll b…wait a second, how the FUCK is this youth centre still open?”.
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While there are competing arguments around the validity of milkshake-throwing as a form of political protest, seeing Farage go from photo 1 to photo 2 is objectively, quantifiably fucking hilarious.
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Didn't debate Corbyn.Didn't meet Grenfell victims.Still hasn't met Manchester bombing victims.Won't fire Boris.Tries not to criticise Trump
Theresa May: 'I won't hide from a challenge'
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Once you’re the MP for Clacton, your finances (like every other MP) come under close scrutiny. So, good luck with that.
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He looks like a care assistant in a nursing home where they neglect the residents.
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Amidst all the results last night, I missed that James Daly, the bloke obsessed with Angela Rayner’s house, got told to sod off. A career awaits standing in a field full of parked cars as a film is projected onto him.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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Some suggestions:. Reinstate 20,000 police officers.Reinstate 1,000 Sure Start centres .Reinstate the £737m cut from youth services .Re-open 600 youth centres .Reinstate 3,500 youth workers. All of them cut on your government’s watch since 2010.
As Home Secretary I am absolutely determined to tackle knife crime and will work with anyone to stop this senseless violence. This is an issue we are confronting head-on - I will not write-off a generation of young people
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“THIS WEEK, I ‘AVE BEEN MOSTLY OBSERVING SILENCES.”.
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If you stole a box of baby milk from Tesco, your first interview would be under police caution. And then there's this.
I will appear on ‘Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg’ this weekend with my husband for our first exclusive interview since beginning our fightback against DHSC. @bbclaurak.
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All the recent styling of Liz Truss as the next Iron Lady falls down on one important point. Many though Margaret Thatcher’s faults were, one thing she wasn’t was thick as shit.
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Fair play to Amber Rudd. 10pm on a Sunday night, finishing the 2nd bottle of wine, going “Monday? Nah, sod that.” We’ve all dreamed of it.
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Every pub in Britain has a dickhead like this, usually lurking near the fruit machine.
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Voting for the withdrawal agreement because you're tired of hearing about Brexit is like buying your child that flamethrower they've been nagging you for.
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Now sadly-deleted, here is one of the best tweets of all time. Every word perfectly chosen. ‘Praying’ is better than ‘hoping’, ‘frogman’ hits much better than ‘scuba diver’. Gold standard tweeting.
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His well-documented short temper, arrogance, absence of charisma and inability to think on his feet is going to be car-crash stuff to watch once the election campaign actually starts. Comes across here as an entitled little brat.
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I think the ‘How much constituency work will he be doing?’ question has been answered.
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Don’t interview him about immigration or small boats like he wants you to, interview him about local Clacton issues he has zero interest in without giving him any clues. “What are your views on the Waterglade development? Do you think the Rouses Farm scheme is a good one?”.
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This is literally a gag from Brass Eye:
"Why are we demanding people show ID when this country has never had a problem with voter impersonation". "You don't know when its happening". "So presumably you've got lots of evidence its taking place?". ". by definition it doesn't get detected".
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It’s odd how the meaning of phrases changes over time. 25yrs ago, ‘liberal elite’ meant half a dozen Fabians drinking coffee in Islington & discussing Locke. Today it means ‘anyone who doesn’t hate brown people or can read’.
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If you want to know what systemic racism & misogyny looks like, it’s having a debate about whether a political donor saying he wants to shoot a black MP is a bad thing and not allowing that MP to talk on her own behalf while she’s stood in the same room asking to speak. #PMQs.
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I’ve always said that had he been born on a subsistence farm in Suffolk rather than into generational privilege, he’d be the son who’s not allowed to go into town on market day and isn’t trusted to drive any of the heavy machinery.
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Turns out the easiest way to completely ruin Rishi Sunak’s political career is to simply let him speak in front of a camera for an extended period of time. The man’s a total bin fire. A deeply weird and nasty human being.
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So I’m clear - somebody knowingly destroyed the papers of 100s/1000s of UK citizens, which they later asked them to produce, stuffed those people onto planes to countries they’d never been, with no trial, & that person now runs the country? I’ve got that right, haven’t I?.
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Just to put things into context, the cost of the UK's failed Test & Trace project (£22bn) could pay for the entire fishing industry's contribution to the economy for the next 49 years (£446m p/a).
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"32% of mammals are herbivores, therefore you are perfectly safe in a tiger enclosure. I am clever."
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Dorries has both resigned and not resigned. She's like Schrodinger's Gobshite.
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Yeah but I don’t have to shit in a bucket so, y’know, swings and roundabouts.
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Rupert Murdoch, dead.
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The UK is ranked 50th-highest in the world for median age. We're ranked 36th in the world for obesity. We have one airport in the top 40 busiest airports in the world (China has 7, for example). None of these excuses work. It took me five mins to look this up. Do your job, BBC.
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Disabled people must work from home to do ‘their duty’, says UK minister
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If Laura feels that Labour should have turned the country around in the space of two months, you have to wonder what she thinks the previous government were doing over the course of fourteen years?.
Starmer's 'blame the Tories' strategy will not hold forever
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'Shortage of volunteers'? You run part of the UK's infrastructure at enormous profit, you're not a charity shop for a donkey sanctuary.
@Nigoleee Due to a sudden shortage of drivers volunteering to work rest days, we have had to reduce the number of services today. ^PA.
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If nothing else, calling a meeting for 4pm shows what a total prick of a boss Rishi Sunak is.
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Why would that ‘teach ‘em’? Is being deported to Rwanda bad or something?.
My Solution. Put these Lefty Lawyers on the first plane to Rwanda. That'll teach 'em. Immigration law firms brief clients on how to LIE to to win UK asylum via @MailOnline.
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Press photo from his flight to NI. Seriously, though. His handlers really, *really* hate him, don’t they?
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It's not about a Zoom quiz or a glass of wine on a patio or whatever. That's what they want to reduce it to. It's about somebody remembering their mum dying alone because they did the right thing & now feeling awful wondering why they didn't break the rules to be with them.
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BWAAAAAAHAHAHHAAAAAAHAAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAA (1/47)
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Wetherspoons do this all the time & I’m sure you don’t say a word, you boss-eyed blackshirt ballbag.
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Cost of buying all 751 MEPs a standard IPad from Amazon: £225,000.UK taxpayer money spent on restoring the ancestral home of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s mother in law in 2016: £7.6m.Some gravy trains are worse than others, it seems.
I really worry about Twitter. If you honestly believe anyone on a salary of €101k, plus office allowance of €52k each year, on top of three offices and €250k staff salaries NEEDS a free iPad, I’m not sure you ever meet normal people.
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Imagine how many annual leave requests for July 5th are being made right now.
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"Brilliant, I've been given a tax rebate in iTunes vouchers! I just need to give them my password to confirm my ID."
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If you’ve tested positive and the track and trace people ask who you’ve been in contact with, just say Dominic Cummings. If everyone who tests positive says that, he won’t be able to leave the house until this is over.
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If Swiss banks think your money is too dirty, oil companies think associating with you makes them look bad & FIFA think you're too corrupt, it's possible you might have gone too far.
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