bob mortimer
@RealBobMortimer
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in our home, in our special drawer, we keep all the items we adore. in a sterilzed cabinet they are kept, and the surrounding environs are regularly swept
Joined June 2011
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AND AWAAAAY.!...thanks for all your lovely comments and above all thanks to this old rake
#GoneFishing
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Dear Ant and Dec .. me and Vic challenge you to a fight round the back of the shops
@antanddec
#ShopFight
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EVERY YEAR
Just drove past Chris Rea on the M1... wonder where he's going?
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Man Utd's Phil Jones with a brand new trailer for his upcoming Nutflix movie
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Manchester United's Phil Jones... Trailer for his new Nutflix movie
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When does the jogging end... surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner
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Had a lovely day yesterday round at Matts place ...
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True or false?
Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?
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Bobble hat repair shop
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You can lead a horse to water but you can’t climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand
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Offer me a herbal tea and I will deliver a fart so dense and multi layered that your face will bend in on itself and become a butter dish
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Wonder if Matt Damon likes orange Calippos .. you just can't tell from his acting , very frustrating.
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Yorkshire World Cup Scene
Mother "Do tha know name of that Brazilian Lad who keeps rolling ont floor"
Son "Neymar"
Mother "Nevermind, was worth an ask"
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Train Guy .. Noises
made a supercut of all the noises
@RealBobMortimer
makes pretending to be in conversation with a guy called colin while in character as Train Guy™️, and tbqhwy it was a monday night well spent.
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CHICKEN NAMES FOR SALE:
Eggy Gizzard
Hen Hom
Geoffrey Peck
The Bantam Menace
Roger Poultry
The Wattle Bottle
Carol Pecker
Biddy Cent
Dark Maureen
Malcolm Eggs
Scratch Baxter
Ron Howard's Goitre
£l8.00 each p.a. (No Returns)
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We is Gone Fishing again!
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I fall a lot when we film gone fishing. Here is one that didn't make the cut from this Sunday's brand new ep. 8:00pm BBC2
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It's my birthday today so Paul has treated me to a visit to a working flour mill in Derbyshire
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Move over Nick Knowles.... there's a new dad in town...My Xmas album out Mon 20th Nov
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Somebody has made a Train Guy soundboard. I don't see how this could possibly help
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Unveiling my new shirt purchased from British Heart Foundation
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I have no idea what it is I want, how it can be achieved or why I want it... but if I don’t get it I will dismantle my home and feed it piece by piece into my shitpipe
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So that’s gone fishing done ... thanks to all of you that gave it a watch...”And Away”
#gonefishing
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Thank you SO MUCH to all of you that have sent me such lovely comments about last nights
#gonefishing
.. I have read them all (twice) So chuffed.. “The Love you Leave will still be there after you’re gone”
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FOR SALE: Turkish Viagra paste (could be Crab spread.. I'm not a pharmacist) £8.00 a tube (serves 6)
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I always forget that Burger King don't serve milkshakes I wish they would just fuck off from our motorways
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Recreating the golden age of British railway engineering
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You can lead a horse to water but you can’t dismantle a fire escape with a chutney bottle
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Inaugural meeting of the anti oxidant supporters club
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HALLOWEEN CAT NAME SALE:
Bloody Hell Ken!
Ray's Coffin
Helen Skeleton
Shatty Batty
Trick or Treatment
Ghostly McBloodbath
Cobwebs and Cutlery
Lumpy Pumpkins
The Little Creep
£8.00 each p.a. No Offers
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I once rubbed my dog down so furiously that all that was left was its bark
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Is it True or is it False?
Alan Sugar is actually 30% Canderel?
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True or false?
Niagara falls are switched off at night for the cleaners
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That lovely moment when a pigeon waddles out from behind your garage playing ‘I’m in the army now’ on his kazoo
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NEW YEAR CAT NAME SALE:
Terry Information
John Lewis Van
British Horses
Scratch Baxter
Lonesome Pillock
Nippy McWhiffles
Brian Adams Lute
£8.00 each p.a. No Returns
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Well Black Friday can fuck off to Peterborough with a mug tree up its shitpipe as far as I'm concerned
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FOR SALE: 2 plates of my home made spaghetti carbonara ("Fucking disgusting"...the wife) £8.00
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INTERNATIONAL CAT NAME SALE:
Chad Salad
Gustav Hosiery
Hans Downtrousers
Gerhardt Nightcreeper
Jean Paul BuggerAll
Atem Ben Chinstrap
Myfanwy Mindwallop
Carlos Whispers
H From Steppes
8.00 each p.a.
#InternationalCatDay
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Download my flute album 'Flute and Fibre’ today and get bonus tracks : ‘They Flute Horses Don’t They’ ‘The Flute of all Evil’ and ‘You Look Flutiful Tonight £8.00
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New series of Gone Fishing starts tonight 8:00pm BBC2... here is another clip that didn't make it into show
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I’m writing a piece for an in flight magazine about the first time you wore a personalised lanyard... how did it feel?..did you keep it?.. did you struggle with the fastening?..has life ever been as good since?..
#LanyardMemories
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@CalvertLewin14
Hi DCL... Look at you Boi!... Have a campachoochoo on me.. you are, as always, an adult Haddock.. Ciao and Bella Cervezo
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