Dr Johnny Bananas
@barbedquill
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Following
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38,386
Testiculi ad Brexitam. Saint and Scarlet. L’opportunité c’est fucking énorme! Earps fanboy
Lyrical Danceflap
Joined January 2009
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We’ve all seen normal men innocent men but this is fantastic. That hound is wasted on kids
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New Highway Code comes into force today
1. Take extra care at junctions (like you’ve always been told to do)
2. Cyclists can ride where they feel safest in the lane (like they’ve always been able to)
3. Be patient and only overtake a cyclist when safe (like you always had to)
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Here's the deal lads: you start driving like you were taught and within the law, and I'll put my camera away
Until then, you'll continue to rack up the fines and penalty points each time you endanger me
You can't say fairer than that really can you ?
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@Clairerising
Views your own?
Nah
Views of millions of good decent citizens of this country who are appalled by what HMG has done to it these last 13 years
Well said. You speak for an awful lot of us
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On reflection, it was wrong of me to smash the wing mirror of the van on the A23 this morning but perhaps in future don't clip me with your wing mirror when I'm doing 25mph and don't laugh in my face when I remonstrate with you at the lights, or I'll do it again
Thanks
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If I was a professional driver, not sure I’d come online to tell everyone about my criminal behaviour whilst carrying passengers and the danger I bring to the roads every time I encounter traffic or pull into, and pull away from, a bus stop
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…and the front wheels span forlornly
Don’t blindly follow your SatNav lads
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"Cyclists need be taxed and insured like cars coz they cause damidge to"
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@eternalman
They’ll be impressed at the video evidence of avoidable damage to save having to pay out
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Schrödinger's cyclist as I was waiting at some temporary lights on the way back from the allotment this evening
A very thoughtful and eloquent van driver paused on his way through and leant out his window:
“Oi. Your light’s too bright”
“....and put some fucking hi-vis on”
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@SnotSurgeon
Your daughter is blameless
It’s the lifters fault, they have a responsibility to bring the surfer to ground safely
See also: rugby
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You’d need a heart of stone not to laugh like a drain when he opens his door
Licensed and tested
Licensed and tested
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Why is it that the cyclist’s cloak of invisibility seems to work best on bright cloudless days
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@Northfieldcycl1
"Under the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations 1986 (C&U), it is an offence to leave a vehicle unattended without switching off the engine and applying the handbrake"
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@SoVeryBritish
If it's a girl they're gonna name her Sigourney, after the actress. And if it's a boy they're gonna name him Rodney, after Dave
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@Haggis_UK
@horacebury
[Attenborough voice, hushed] “..and we are very fortunate today to be present to witness the birth of a brand new meme”
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@CatNeilan
Every day I'm grateful for the bullet we dodged by not voting for chaos with Ed Miliband
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@claudiascore
@tmurphyNZ
I ran it thru my Aussie translator app and got a pretty good match
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@rucked_mag
“Large doner, chilli sauce boss”
“What about the vegetable”
“I don’t think he’s hungry any more”
** this joke is brought to you by the Spitting Image team of c. 1992
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@AbbeyRoad
@PaulMcCartney
@maryamccartney
@DisneyPlus
How did the driver not see him, its not as though the road is long and winding or anything
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@JoshAlexCairo
@lisaocarroll
Kent Independent Peoples Party & European Remainers.
Sounds a bit fishy to me
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“All that money spent on infrastructure to help keep cyclists safe and they don’t use it”
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“Cyclists should be made to pay road tax and have number plates to make them more law abiding like drivers are”
The traffic was nuts on the M1 Motorway yesterday
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@CWTWheelyReborn
@Channel4News
It was delicious. She even had the presence of mind to set the grinder speed to SLOW
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@inglesongrey
"I was astonished by the Labour party suggesting the Banyarwandans enjoyed ethnic dominance over the Tutsis in Rwanda - Tutsis, as we all know, is what poke out of your sandals”
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@peterwalker99
Drivers: "Cyclists should follow the rules of the road"
/rules of the road get amended
Drivers: "I'm not following those"
Its so incredibly tiresome
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“I’ve always dreamed of joining Special Ops, ridding the streets of dangerous criminals, fighting underground gangs, the absolute worst that society can throw at us, fearlessly fighting to protect the public. Only the best make Special Ops”
“Who are we taking down today Sarge”
Concerns were raised regarding a female using an e scooter to transport a young child on a daily basis.
@GlosPolSpecOps
OT61 attended and observed 4 yr old being transported in this way and Vehicle seized. Thanks to the public for making us aware.
#safercommunity
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“OK Louis, we’re going to do some jump tests. You’re up against DK first off. Good luck”
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@elanial
Carbrain, pure and simple. The dominance of the motor vehicle over every aspect of our life.
Grim, although worth noting the present number of signatories is still less than 20% of Welsh drivers so anyone claiming any kind of ‘majority’ can get in the sea
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@mrdanwalker
@michaelastracha
@Raksha_Digs
@dfttc5
“We thought it was a programme about archaeology”
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Great letter in the paper yesterday.
E-bikes aren’t cheating, they’re life extending
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@young_geezee
@ciaoitscait
Also not his house
Can people not get anything right these days ?
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@GlosPolSpecOps
#safercommunity
is bollocks tho isn’t it?
This has got nothing to do with safety.
If you were wanting to make a
#safercommunity
you’d be out pulling the speeding and inattentive drivers. Or have you already cleared the streets of them ?
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Wait what ?
Driver kills pedestrian and “Audi refused to allow police access to a 'black box' in the car which records the speed, brake use and the pressure on the accelerator”
Do you normally obstruct police investigations
@AudiUK
?
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@sanjanacurtis
You can’t just wander up and pat seals’ bellies though. They’re protected.
You have to get past the Security Seal first....
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As shocking as the murder of 3 people in Nottingham was this morning, 5 people will be killed by drivers today
And 5 people were killed yesterday
And 5 people the day before that
And 5 people the day before that
And 5 people the day before that
And 5 people the day before that
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@PolitlcsUK
“Love your work” right up there with Danny Dyer’s “twat” as a perfect commentary on the modern Tory party
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1/
To the driver of the van that deliberately soaked and dismounted me this morning by accelerating towards me as I cycled up the middle of the flooded road, I know your passenger found it hilarious but its going to be quite costly for you:
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@tidsoptimizt
@scurvyxin
@_nadhy_
Why? What background story could possibly justify deliberately driving your truck at a cyclist?
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Can I just put out a general FUCK OFF to everyone replying to the various police forces reporting their
#OperationClosePass
activities this week who thinks “what about the cyclist I saw run a red light” is a worthwhile contribution to improving the safety of vulnerable road users
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Forced to drive into London this morning on unfamiliar route. Near Deptford and overtook a cyclist on a cycle lane then realised I had to turn left.
Indicated, stopped and waited for cyclist to pass, then turned.
No one died, no one got shouty
It’s not rocket science people
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@ScottCharlton_
@TiceRichard
@carolecadwalla
@Arron_banks
We need more people to be accountable four there words....
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Rugby Twitter is generally an affable place with most of us entertainingly poking fun at each other during the season
But dear god, Rugby Analysis Twitter is so far up itself.
“Watch the top half of Dupont’s left eyebrow and how it creates the space for Ntamack to score”
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@StreathamRovers
@thequentinletts
That's nothing; my son appealed for a free-kick last week and was told that according to John Ruskin, there's no such thing as a free-kick because of the hidden cost of providing him food to generate the energy to firstly appeal enthusiastically, and then take the subsequent kick
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@kevinhollinrake
@DanielLambert29
@mrjamesob
Hang on, it’s either “growing the economy” or it’s “not some kind of economic game changer”. Which one?
If it’s not an economic game changer why do you think bottle manufacturers are going to re-tool their processes for it ?
Are they short of stuff to do ?
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@jacklaffey
“...until cyclists obey the laws on the road...”
Also me: “I’ll be just grand doing 46 in a 30 and taking a photo of it”
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Driving enthusiasts: when you meet a cyclist coming the other way on roads like this, if you refuse to either stop or slow to less than walking pace, you're risking being reported for a close pass
You'll get points, a fine and your insurance premiums will rocket
Slow down
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@EnglandRugby
The Welshman in me says I cant love this announcement too much....but I love it.
Its why every mini rugby player turns up on a Sunday morning, whatever nationality
Well played 👏👏
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@khaylock
@carolecadwalla
@lukeharding1968
@RobBurl
@guardian
There are 4 other national free to air TV stations.
Why isn’t there a producer somewhere calling his or her top interviewer and arranging a live interview with Carole in the next few days
Surely it’s TV gold ?
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@SquidgeRugby
Refs should have a special ‘two yellows’ red card.
Maybe something a bit sparkly, or with some LEDs spelling out KNOB
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@JamieCollabro
@carlmaxim
Don’t mess with Brenda, particularly when she’s got the wrong glasses on
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@WFjordian
@kev_han
So, despite use of the phrase “forced off the road by a driver” and the chilling image of a bike underneath a car you *still* can’t stop yourself from whining about something you think a cyclist did wrong once.
I don’t think it’s the cyclists who are the problem here chief.
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Unbelievable number of grown adults in this country that think bicycles are fitted with speedometers
How do they tie their own shoelaces ?
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@hmtreasury
@Louiseaileen70
Should I be worried that the company managing the implementation of the £10k small businesses grants - - has 1 employee and a net worth of £453
I’m all for supporting small businesses... but seriously?
#AskRishi
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@hoskas
Serco’s pockets
They were paying £10ph at the testing centres and charging them back to the NHS at £20ph +
Several of my sons mates do it. Up until very recently, they spent about 30 of the 40 weekly hours playing football in the car park
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@GrumpDonkey
@MrNickKnowles
Does your wife of [checks notes] 3 weeks know you’re sending gifts to online dominatrixes?
I guess she’s too busy working for the first private parking company in history to let people off parking tickets to pay any attention to you
@LadeyLush
That would be me Miss as a thank you for the 11th, there should have been a note with it.
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@AmandaFarrar
Yes water more than a third of the way up your wheel is inadvisable, especially at speed
You might be lucky but it’s not worth the risk
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@PapaPincus
Entirely fair comment - don’t know how she’s ended up sitting at the International Losers table
She should be on the other one with Messi, Zidane, Deschamps etc
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4/
Oh and given the halfwit was driving a liveried vehicle, I've tracked down where you're based so once the brouhaha has died down, maybe in about 6 months time, I'm going to set fire to your van: £26,000
Lesson: do not take on the Evil Cycling Lobby, you will *always* lose
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@hewantswealth
I'm in. Where do i sign?
I'm particularly interested in the free water, council tax, gas and electricity that you're selling
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