VeryBritishProblems
@SoVeryBritish
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For everything VBP, including books, clothes, mugs, cards, calendars & contact: Written by @RobTemple101
Cambridge, England
Joined December 2012
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Free UK delivery offer extended until midnight tonight. On all in the VBP shop. Now’s the time to get your merch!
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March is no longer a month, it has been reclassified as an era
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Mutter “look at that rain”, “it’s really coming down now” or “the garden needs it”
5. Say “good job we got the cushions/washing in”
6. Eat all the biscuits
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More two-word horror stories:
Eye contact
Lunch meeting
Surprise party
Planned engineering
Sing along
Conference call
Signal failure
They’re here
Team building
Low carb
Record highs
Unexpected item
You busy?
Quick word
Friend request
Leg day
Your parcel
Tax return
Happy birthday
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Things that mean "no":
-Yeah, could do
-I'm easy really
-Well, yes and no
-We'll see
-Maybe
-If that's what you fancy
-I'll see how I feel
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If you’ve just entered a building without saying “bloody freezing out there”, you’ve done it wrong. Go out and do it again
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"Give them a ring"
"I've emailed"
"Be quicker to ring"
"I've sent a text as well"
"Just ring them"
"I'll send another email"
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“No no, you keep in the middle of the path, it makes more sense that I fold myself into this hedge”
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Shoutout to everyone who likes to seal a packet of biscuits by simply pushing the open end up against a wall.
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Brit 1: “What do you fancy doing?”
Brit 2: “I don’t mind, what do you fancy?”
Brit 1: “Whatever you fancy”
Brit 2: “I honestly don’t mind”
Brit 1: “You choose”
Brit 2: “I always choose”
Brit 1: “No you don’t”
Brit 2: “It’s your turn”
Brit 1: “Anyway, have a think”
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Yesterday: Eat 50,000 calories
Today: Brisk walk
That’ll sort it
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Good lord. Never seen a goose warning reach level 5 before.
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Levels of saying “I want to leave”:
1. Sitting on edge of sofa
2. Looking at watch
3. Saying “is that the time?”
4. Slapping thighs
5. Saying “right”
6. Placing mug near sink
7. Putting on coat
8. Saying “right” again
You’re staying for at least another hour at this point.
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Being safely back inside a jumper until June 2019
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Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious
“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious
“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious
“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious
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As I get older my tolerance gets lower. I often used to think, “this meeting could’ve been an email”, now it’s more, “this email could’ve been a thought you kept to yourself”.
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"I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves"
You thought wrong.
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Where can I buy a human version of this jacket?
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Try saying these without sounding sarcastic:
1. That's great
2. Good for you
3. Have fun
4. Fascinating
5. Thanks for that
6. Well done you
7. Good luck with that
8. Sounds thrilling
9. What a shame
10. Wow
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“Sorry, are you...?”
“Oh... no! No, I’m not, sorry...”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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How to make someone say “you off?”
1. Slap hands onto knees
2. Say “right”
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"So sorry" - Actually sorry
"Sorry about that" - Not really sorry
"Sorry you feel that way" - Not sorry at all
"Sorry, but...” - Apologise to me
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“It’s a bloody nightmare”
Meaning: Something is proving a mild inconvenience; typically used to describe slightly heavy traffic, or the internet not working
“It’s not ideal”
Meaning: Something terrible has happened and life is almost certainly ruined
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Pancake Day Schedule:
- Wake up
- See if Father Pancake has been
- Open all your pancakes
- Cook Pancake Lunch
- Watch Queen’s Pancake Speech
- Fall asleep for a bit
- Watch a pancake film
- Make sandwich from pancake leftovers
- Bed
#pancakeday2018
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
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Some handy safety tips if you’re considering going out socialising:
1. Don’t
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A quick British translation guide:
Meanings of "we'll see"
1. No
Meanings of "maybe"
1. No
Meanings of “could do”
1. No
Meanings of “I’ll think about it”
1. No
Meanings of “let’s talk about it later”
1. No
Meanings of “I’ll see how I feel”
1. No
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Phrases that mean nothing will happen:
Leave it with me
I’ll have a word
I’ll see what I can find
Consider it done
I’ll make some calls
I’ll think about it
Certainly a possibility
Let’s come back to that
Good idea
Maybe
It’s on my list
Might see you down there
I’ll look into it
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Remember the days when water would just fall from the sky?
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Nobody in Britain can believe it’s Christmas next week
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23rd December: house full of food and nothing for dinner.
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Procedure for greeting guests:
1. Shout “THEY’RE HERE!”
2. Scurry around the house frantically for a bit for no real reason
3. Skulk and spy from window
4. Await doorbell
5. Pause for a few seconds, open door, start joyfully shouting as if it’s all a massive delightful surprise
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More three-word horror stories:
Jumped the queue
You’ll be fine
Just a trim
How are you?
A quick word
Out of milk
Might be fun
Rail replacement bus
Have a dance
Back to Brussels
Contact customer support
View current balance
Meet and greet
You look well
Honestly, you choose
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Brits aren’t going to believe how dark it is later.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
- Accidentally liking a Tweet
- No milk
- Unknown numbers
- The question "you don't remember me do you?"
- Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
- “Tickets please”
- “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
- Doorbells
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How was town? Options:
- “Mayhem”
- “Chaos”
- “Absolute nightmare”
- “Heaving”
- “I got the last space”
- “Chock-a-block”
- “Rammed”
- “Queues out the door”
- “Hell”
- “I’m not going back”
- “You can tell it’s Christmas”
- “Carnage”
- “Wasn’t too bad actually”
- “Dead”
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Currently having this chat up to twenty times a day:
“Ready for Christmas then?”
“Yeah, just about. You?”
“Few bits and bobs left to do but getting there”
“Well have a good one if I don’t see you before”
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Apart from the hay fever, the constant sweat, the sunburn, the lack of sleep, the wasps, the bug bites, the baking hot car, the 3am sunrise, the non-stop disco from next door’s garden, the yellow lawn, the heat rash, the absence of air con and the complete lack of energy… I’m…
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"It didn't quite go as planned" - Translation: I may have caused irreversible damage on a monumental scale
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Sunday plans:
Eat biscuits
Look at rain
Tell other people to look at rain
Say “it’s still raining”
Sip of tea
Repeat
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“Oh dear, two people walking towards me on the pavement, surely they’ll go single file and we can all... Nope, off into the busy road I go!”
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
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January 3rd:
Christmas January is over, we have entered Real January. No more chocolate for breakfast, only toast now. Emails are back.
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Brit 1: “I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to cancel”
Brit 2: “Oh don’t worry, let’s do something in the new year”
<Both Brits nearly pass out with relief>
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April Fool’s Day is meant to be a bit of lighthearted fun but I can fully appreciate I went too far here. I got carried away and for that I apologise.
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Britain currently can’t believe how dark it is
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Christmassy things to do today:
Watch telly
Have a sleep
Overcook some veg
Have a big argument
Circle a car park for hours
Eat 20,000 calories
Lose scissors
Be cross in a supermarket
Feel rough
Get annoyed with a tree
Eat an orange
Cry
Buy stamps
Storm off
Be tired in a big shop
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“Did the clocks go forwards or backwards?”
“I don’t think it really matters anymore”
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Staying at someone’s house:
- Lie in bed for hours waiting to hear signs of life
- Wonder if bathroom is free as you’ve needed the toilet since 6am
- Finally detect cooking smells and make your way to the kitchen
- Discover everyone went out hours ago
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It’s so hot in Britain you could crack an egg on the pavement and it would just kind of sit there all raw
#heatwave
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In Britain, this is actually a sentence that makes sense:
“Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just… thanks”
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Being British is just staring blankly out of the window into the grey whilst muttering: “they said it was supposed to be nice today”
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How to look busy:
- Frantically pretend to search for pen on and around desk
- Keep saying “right what was I doing?”
- Whisper “come on!” at your computer/angrily shake mouse
- Type quickly while standing/wearing a coat
- Look at watch and swear, rush out the office, go home
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Things Brits never believe:
How hot it is
How cold it is
How dark it is
How light it is
That it's nearly Summer
That it's nearly Christmas
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
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“I thought we were going out?”
“Sorry, I’ve accidentally put my pyjamas on, it’s not something that can be reversed”
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Honest job interview:
“What are your hobbies?”
“I like lying down and looking at my phone and I also enjoy sleeping”
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A handy collection of awkwardness from the Very British Problems book
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Brit 1: Sorry?
Brit 2: Sorry?
1: I thought you said something?
2: I don't think so?
1: Oh, sorry!
2: Sorry!
*Both laugh for hours*
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The road is only wide enough for one car, so you’ve instructed the oncoming car to come through even though it’s technically your right of way. They’ve accepted your courteousness and here they come, driving towards you. Any second now they’ll give you a little wave. Or maybe…
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The Sunday Game
Rules:
- Stay horizontal
- Remain in pyjamas until lunch
- Roast everything in the fridge
- Eat 50,000 calories
- Start worrying about your homework (you’re an adult) as soon as you hear the Antiques Roadshow theme
- First person to mention Monday loses
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Read platform number
Hear platform number
Walk to that platform
Re-read platform number
Get on train at platform
Worry you're on wrong train
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Let’s decide this once and for all: which is the better biscuit? Retweet for the mighty custard cream, like for the splendid bourbon.
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“Sorry, are you in the middle of lunch?”
“No I just like holding sandwiches”
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Nobody in Britain can believe it’s nearly October
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Shoutout to everyone old enough to remember before mobile phones, when you’d say to a friend “meet me outside Woolworths at midday tomorrow” and then, without further communication, you’d both just show up there.
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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“I can’t make it” - Translation: I’ve put on pyjamas and it’s basically illegal to get back into clothes again
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“Ah well, never mind, eh” - Translation: It appears that everything has gone spectacularly wrong and all my dreams are crushed
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“Why are you having two lunches?”
“It’s Christmas!”
“Why are you drinking before midday?”
“It’s Christmas!”
“All you’ve done today is watch films”
“It’s Christmas!”
“You’ve eaten all the chocolates”
“It’s Christmas!”
“Have you done your Christmas shopping?”
“Go away”
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There's going to be a lot of legs outside the duvet tonight
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“We should meet for drinks soon”
“That would be great!”
And they never saw each other again
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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“Have you seen the news?”
“No, I’m trying to have a nice day”
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“I thought we might get pizza tonight” - Translation: We will be getting pizza tonight, I’ve been thinking about pizza all day, there is no discussion to be had, the decision is made, the wheels are in motion, the people (me) have spoken
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The ultimate two-word horror story:
Microwaved Tea
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“Are you going to sit on that sofa all day?”
“Just doing my bit”
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say “you're welcome”
3. Shake head
4. Mutter "unbelievable"
5. Watch as someone else walks through the door you’re still holding
6. Repeat
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You: “Only three days until Christmas!”
Your body: “Here, have a cold!”
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Order food delivery
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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The grass is yellow. Socks hurt. Cars are ovens. Pillows are turning. Fans are on setting 3. All the ice has been bought. Trains are long saunas. People keep saying “isn’t it lovely!” and you agree even though you don’t think it’s lovely. It’s only 25°C. Someone help us
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“I’m off to bed” - Translation: I’m off to lie down and worry about the future and also to worry about every mistake I’ve ever made, no matter how great or small, and to go over all the embarrassing moments from my past that I’ll never ever forget. Night night.
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"Give them a ring"
"I've emailed"
"Be quicker to ring"
"I've sent a text as well"
"Just ring them"
"I'll send another email"
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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Pouring a portion of chips onto a baking tray. Then adding a few more just in case. Then a few more for luck. Then the rest of the bag
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Name something British people are irrationally scared of.
I’ll go first:
A swan attack resulting in a broken arm.
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