John Macgowan
@john_macgowan
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I'm a consultant who helps people solve (and cause) weird problems.
Sydney
Joined May 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Finished my definitive Australian conspiracy iceberg before you ask they are all real.
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It's only a Victorian lockdown if Dan Andrews personally announces it this is just sparkling confinement
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This is the kind of thing only the ABC can do - Woolworths is the country’s biggest print and broadcast advertiser, I’m guessing when he’s messed up previously the outlets were willing to edit stuff out.
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This Tanya Plibersek thing reminds me of the time Labor listened to every Midnight Oil song, made a list of all Garrett's favorite causes and then made him keep announcing policies that were the opposite of his beliefs until he quit.
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It will never stop being funny to me that in Australia, a country that educates more journalists at universities per capita than anywhere in the world, we have one 15 year old kid who runs the only non partisan outlet
BEFORE ANYONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT TONIGHT’S
#NEWSPOLL
:
- Newspoll is NOT run by Murdoch
- Newspoll was accurate at the last federal election
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The thing that has absolutely sent me about the Woolies CEO interview is he showed up in his dumb polyester polo shirt like he’s just an ordinary guy but he’s wearing a signet ring.
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This is the most transcendent, ontologically perfect post I’ve ever seen.
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I'm at the pub with this absolute random unit who is telling me his own personal conspiracy theory about how Australia was actually colonised by the Dutch 100 years earlier in 1688 and it's absolutely wild. I'm buying him a round and finding out more stand by.
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Beaming with pride as I ride the Southern Hemisphere’s longest escalator to the world’s most expensive 2 bedroom apartment where I can’t smoke a pack of $90 cigarettes.
NSW is now home to the longest escalators in the southern hemisphere.
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Chris Minns has long had a dim view of Latho, as evidenced by this pearler of a quote -
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Spare a thought for whoever the poor sap in the libs is they’ll get to spend today tracking down how much that ring costs. That’s one of the most tedious jobs. I used to have to run down the price tags on everything Gillard wore, was miserable work.
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Nowhere in the roadmap does it say you have to start going out at 70%. You can just stay home until 80%. You can even set your own arbitrary figure, go out at 79.5% if you want, it's one of the few freedoms we have left.
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"Honey what's wrong you haven't touched your plastic covered carbon neutral security tracked beef"
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Twitter is the 45th most popular app on iTunes. Shazam is 44. If you’re reading that thinking, “wow Shazam is still a thing?” that’s how normal people think of Twitter. And that’s why you’re wasting your time on hashtag analysis.
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It took them 190 years but the SMH has finally achieved apotheosis, their perfect story.
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@PatrickLenton
My very first housemate was an artist and taxidermist who made dioramas out of dead mice doing mundane household chores. If you didn’t help with the cleaning he would passive aggressively make a little mouse of you doing the chore you didn’t do and leave it somewhere.
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The craziest thing to me is the way alp guys will just pile on activists and green adjacent types for having opinions, meanwhile me and my bros are out here just being tories, eating caviar, using peasants as foot stools, doing prima nocta - nothing. We're right here.
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Brace yourself for weeks of inner city journos being sent out to vox quiet australians in the outer suburbs and bring home endless Hillbilly Elegy style takes about their strange outer suburban customs like not tweeting
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I worked for a rich guy once and the thing I learned about the chairman's lounge is that rich guys don't use it. It's nice but it isn't as nice as their houses, not even as nice as their offices, and those people have good time management skills so they don't wait around airports
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The media eulogies for Simon Crean all have the same “they don’t make them like that anymore” tone but it was the same media who pilloried guys like Crean, Nelson, and Beasley out of office and had the parties replace them with mediocre alternatives they were better mates with.
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The only thing that could make Sam Maiden seem cooler in this stitch up is if she brandished a pistol at the press club.
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I don't think the right way to get sympathy is to make people think about dropping 12000 bombs on Canberra
Gaza is half the size of Canberra.
Israel's Air Force has boasted dropping 6000 bombs in 6 days on one of the most densely populated areas in the world.
Over 2 million people live there. Nearly half of them are children.
No atrocity justifies another.
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“In Australia they have a nationalist party that supports all the liberal economic policies and doesn’t talk about immigration, they only get 5% of the vote but the government gives them a dollar for every vote and they make cartoons with the money.”
Get ready, Australia. Pauline Hanson's 'Please Explain' is back and it's bigger and better than ever!
New episodes return 1st of March!
Celebrate our triumphant return and support the series by securing a limited edition Season 3 Premiere Poster! Available only while stocks…
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The problem with the discourse on insane conspiracy theories is the omission that every popular mythology circulating right now has it's origins in real policy failures from the last 20 years. This stuff didn't get memed into existence recently.
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I never thought I could end up feeling sympathy for Daryl Maguire, but man imagine finding out not only your ex is with someone cooler and more successful than you but also he's the bloke you couldn't afford to represent you at ICAC. We've all been there.
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Australia Day kino posting will continue until morale improves
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Imagining telling myself in 2019 that within three years, a twitter based emoji movement cooked up by a hedge fund manager would mutant into an army of half a million retired ex teachers attacking 14 year olds and the Australian Electoral Commission...
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Every outbreak seems to start with return travellers in extremely affluent neighbourhoods but working families and migrants cop the blame why is th- hold on there's someone at my door
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I’m a huge critic of the ABC, they should be forced to prioritise content that isn’t otherwise profitable in the media marketplace - and asking hard questions of the guy who bankrolls broadcast journalism is exactly that.
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"Albo the brand is getting smashed we need to do something big to win back the public trust, a bold new idea, a big policy"
Albo:
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Nancy Pelosi was originally going to read the speech on an iPad and theatrically smash it on the desk afterwards but they couldn't get the app to work.
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Ok well, finally after 20 years the war in Afghanistan is over, mixed result sure but I guess that means now they can finally get rid of the Patriot Act, just like how we're going to get rid of all the surveillance after covid is over. Ha. Aha. Hahahaha. Ha. He.
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Truly a mask slip moment when health authorities can't comprehend why the public would take the one in a million risk of a blood clot over being locked inside. These people's professional credibility hinges on how long you live on average, not how well you live.
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Lockheed Martin ads at Edgeclife station - are they… are they ICBM trajectories in the background… what’s the pitch here… “military industrial Stacy wants you to rethink commuting and… cause a nuclear holocaust”?
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The Russians have been trying and failing to cross a 300m river for two years in Ukraine I think Australia might be safe for now.
There is a 0% chance that I’ll go die in some ditch in Europe for this kleptocracy.
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Chris Minns is standing there thinking about escalators
While we're fighting inflation, the Liberal Party is fighting culture wars.
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Now we've sorted out the journalist issue, it should cost $18 a month to put "Dr" in your name and an extra $8 for every tweet complaining that a waiter doesn't address you as such.
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When are the Teals going to campaign against mixing Pinot Gris with a cheeky Xanax that’s what’s killing their constituents not Hard Solo
‘Teal’ MPs are campaigning against alcoholic soft drinks, saying Hard Solo should never been approved for sale
@angusthomson_
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The withdrawal symptoms are not a valid reason to quit being addicted to something that’s killing you.
Shadow Treasurer Angus Taylor says Australia would be in a “deep recession” if you “took away immigration”.
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This press conference is jarring. The Prime Minister of Singapore speaks better and more articulate English than the Prime Minister of Australia. Lee looks bemused by the whole thing.
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Sally McManus is the director Industry Super Funds and has a financial incentive in you not drawing out your super for any reason.
The Liberals have recommitted to their destructive policy of using super for housing which will condemn more people to poverty & rob a generation of the benefit of compound interest. Eat your house when you retire.
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Political staffers should be abolished. MPs should be assigned apolitical public servants to do their menial nonsense, and the parties should provide specialist political services at their own expense. The current system is unsustainable.
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I used to always think how Gillard would always wear the most modestly priced but stylish Australian made clothes, she must have had someone doing a job equally as tedious as mine, we should have called each other and made our days more productive.
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I will never understand the international women's day corporate breakfast. Don't women have it hard enough without having to get up an hour early to eat runny eggs and a cold tomato on toast with a glass of cheap champers?
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@DrewPavlou
Didn’t Obama burn all his progressive political capital so that they could detain people like Hinkle without trial indefinitely?
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This is why I love channel 6 news. The rest of the media can’t talk about eurozone nationalism without wide eyed shrieking, but a 14 year old girl just posts a casual explainer with zero nonsense.
What's going on with Germany? Why are the nationalist right-wing surging & the Labor-like SPD collapsing? Well, I'm (hopefully) going to sum it up in this thread.
(1/14)
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The reason you’re not seeing big swings in an otherwise volatile political environment is there’s nothing different to vote for. The party’s candidates and spokespeople are charmless, gormless, barely high school debate team grade. The campaigns use 30 year old techniques.
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Few people know this but when a guy with a signet ring loses his job as CEO there’s a John Wick style secretariat at the Australia Club where they type its serial number in and disavow the owner, all the other signet ring guys can legally kill him.
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Working theory - the world population was wiped out by covid in 2020 and only Australia remains, the government is keeping this from us to avoid a panic, an AI now runs all our media and that's why the news cycle is filled with elaborate and unbelievable yarns that make no sense
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If Australian assets were caught in China cultivating a leader’s family they would be arrested. In Russia, poisoned. In Israel, flipped. In the United States, depending on the politician, suicide, drug overdose. The British have a penchant for car accidents.
ASIO does a speech.
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Honoured to follow Pauline Hanson into battle.
You know she’ll stand up and fight for Australia.
Come and join the fight to save the nation.
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Why are the French so mad about $90 billion they grift that much out of West African central banks every day.
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We are not governed by serious people. We are not governed by people interested in even pretending to be serious. It’s wrong to call them clowns. Harlequinade is an art form intended to make you feel many emotions, these people make you feel nothing but contempt.
Anthony Albanese will attend a private Katy Perry performance at billionaire Anthony Pratt’s Melbourne mansion on Saturday along with Jacinta Allan, Caroline Kennedy and corporate bosses
Woolies' Brad Banducci was a late scratching from the event
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Oh yeah I totally want to be in a toxic co dependent relationship with Stacy who is secretly jealous of my relationship instead of having a group chat with 7 guys called “Brothers Against NATO: Saddam’s Revenge” where we post memes and recipes
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So wait you're telling me, that as of today, the CFMEU is a radical far right group? And they're at war with Labor? And the ACTU? ...does anyone have a number for these guys? Do they need a political consultant? Asking for a friend.
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It rules that the marketing campaign for us to buy hypersonic missiles is that we can fire them at Melbourne.
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Iran managed two enrichment facilities and a heavy water plant in 6 years while their scientists were periodically assassinated and their centrifuges bombed, I think we might be okay.
'Will be starting from scratch': Report paints grim picture of Australia's long road to nuclear power via
@SkyNewsAust
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To save anyone else the lengthy argument, Qantas lounge will NOT go down stairs and get you a Yumbo no matter what colour your card is.
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If you ask your staff to work 70 hours a week for 132k a year than actually, your staff are working for slightly below the median wage…
Statement from Monique Ryan just released: “I’m getting on with the work of representing my constituents in Kooyong.”
@6NewsAU
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Imagine how much easier this would have been if the pharmacorps didn't brand their vaccines, and you didn't know what one you were getting because they were all called "ausvax" or something.
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wait, is this some Mandela Effect thing? Is this an alternate dimension Kos? Because I recall him specifically saying the libs would be in a decades long wilderness if they didn't veer left to attract more zoomers and university graduates...
Newspoll. Labor - 31. LNP 38. Votes moving to the Right and not the Left.
We have spent all year ringing that warning bell.
Perhaps the political bubble should talk about economics and people’s ability to feed their kids and stop yapping about every other issue that does not…
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Until tonight I just thought the Teals were a mild curiosity to be laughed at or ignored, like tax and road laws. But they have crossed the wrong alcoholic this time. I will not rest until their filthiest laundry is spectacularly leaked in retaliation for taking Hard Solo.
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What is it about the Teals that their electorate officers give themselves the most munted job titles, I just saw one calling himself "chief advisor", bröther there's 3 people in that office you're chief of nothing.
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Scomo Derangement Syndrome is one of the weirdest phenomena in Aus politics. People get so irrationally mad at the guy for just lying all the time. He was the worst liar we’ve ever had as PM. He got caught every time. I’d worry more about the guys who don’t get caught.
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The hard solo ban is objectively funny, but the culture of regulation in Australia means reports like this result in antibiotics becoming harder to acquire, it's why you can't buy codeine, it's why half a dozen midwits can block housing growth.
Australia’s overuse of antibiotics found to be driving rate of drug-resistant infections
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When the No vote hit the high 40s the establishment did a collective freak out, but they won't do anything about this, because they don't care what you think about immigration, they're going to do it whether you like it or not
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It’s clear the housing crisis is the most serious issue in this country because it’s made so many otherwise clearheaded and rational people I respect watch qanda
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This sounds like a good idea if you’ve never worked in property development. The thought of government nerds in propadee is hilarious. It’s impolite to mention it out loud but development is more org crime adjacent than the casino industry… it’s not for Canberra types.
BREAKING: Today I’ve announced the Greens first new policy for the Federal Election: a public property developer that would build, sell and rent homes at a price that people can actually afford.
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Right so the yarn here is "group Labor right types eat overpriced food and grumble about their left wing leader" that's not so much a yarn as the very definition of being Centre Unity.
EXCLUSIVE: We can reveal that a well-organised and powerful group of rebel Federal Labor MPs have been meeting and plotting behind the back of leader Anthony Albanese. And he didn’t know about it until our political editor
@vanOnselenP
broke the story.
#auspol
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The Americans are going to disclose the existence of extraterrestrial life any day now, and when they do, we are going to need a slur to call the aliens. This is Australia’s time. This will be our first contribution not just to the planet, but to the galaxy.
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I miss old Trump twitter, starting feuds about whose golf course was more successful, tweeting for days about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, this absolutely perfect post -
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If a nationalist party showed up and ran on a platform of -
Net Zero Immigration
Nationalise Qantas
Hang Spies
I reckon they’d triple, maybe quadruple the anaemic primary vote of One Nation
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The Greens reaction to the vape ban will be fascinating as it forces them to confront their internal fissures between their blue haired high anxiety zoomer cohort and the granola munching health and wellness boomers.
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The NSW government's new metro station plan will mean Frankie's Pizza will be demolished. I'm doing it. I'm invoking the ancient treaties of the Yarnsmen. We must stop this sacrilege.
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Imagine being criticised for being unpopular with nerds
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Look, staffing for the coalition was a pretty toxic place but at least it bred in the cynicism to never line the walls and do something this cringe.
PM is applauded by Parliamentary staff after announcing the wording for the
#VoiceToParliament
referendum. He closed by saying “I’m not here to occupy the space. I’m here to change the country. I want this done for Indigenous Australians but I want it done for all Australians.”
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This is actually good news. Public health authorities kept pushing the price of smokes up until it went over 50 bucks, and then mass illegal importation became profitable, its now easy to find a 16 buck pack of darts in every city. This hike makes bootleg liquor viable.
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It astounds me how much of the right don’t seem to appreciate how much of the culture war is already lost, they lost the debate on Australia Day 20 years ago when they lost control of what was taught in schools, selling a bucket hat made in Bangladesh at woolies won’t fix that.
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At some point this stuff is just about ritual humiliation, the more stupid your leaders the less pride you can have in your country which means you're less likely to revolt the more the damage they do.
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This is one of the influencers Mark Butler is using to sell his anti vape campaign with his vape.
We’re partnering with influencers to launch an anti-vaping campaign. Education is a key step to stopping Big Tobacco from luring young Australians into nicotine dependency.
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Look controversial contribution to Bad Vanham discourse, but years ago, when she was still relevant to Labor, I sat down and read all her plays and they’re actually really good. I told her this and she blocked me.
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We used to be serious country
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The extra cash an average income earner will have thanks to the tax cut will be eaten up by average rent increases sometime around October. All this is for most people is 9 weeks of paying 2022 rents. This was the last of Albo’s political capital and this is what he spent it on.
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Women in elite gentlemen's clubs is the final form of "more👏🏻female👏🏻drone👏🏻pilots" discourse
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Chris Minns’ khaki Ralph Lauren shirt looks like what you’d wear to the press conference to announce Russia has invaded the Eastern Suburbs.
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It's NSW Labor's first estimates and they haven't been in gov for a whole year and look at this poor kid, he's seen some shit. You can hear "Fortunate Son" playing in the background when you look at him.
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Australia needs a state owned brewery that produces a subsidised lager for $5 per skew. We could call it the Australian Brewing Corporation, or the ABC if you will.
Every single pub, particularly craft beer place should be forced by the law to carry VB or Reschs AND XXXX so normal people have something to drink. Im not a baby I don’t want a sweet fairy floss drink that costs $20 give me a schooie of legend revealer
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Twitter is great this time of the morning, it's just headlines, a few RTs from serious journos with actual stuff on, the better seppos - in an hour partisans will start waking up and you'll hate it but for like one golden hour in the morning it's nice.
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A lot of the dumbest people in Australian business breathing a sigh of relief here and resuming business as normal instead of realising maybe business models that rely on trade with communist dictatorships are inherently flawed…
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Its funny progressives think the right will build detention camps for them when you could put every one of them under voluntary house arrest by just telling them COVID is back.
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Can't believe Jeordies would be so stupid as to get so close to Barra in real life that everyone could do the math and calculate how much shorter he is than all the women he abuses online.
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