Patrick Lenton
@PatrickLenton
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(he/him) Journalist.✨author✨. ‘Spite Pie’, coming out in 2025. Subscribe to my Substack, 'nonsense newsletter'. Represented Key People Literary Management
Melbourne, Victoria
Joined November 2009
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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#光る君へ
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#鬼滅の刃
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GW最終日
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KRIST SINGTO GOLDENSONG
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Dhoni
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予選突破
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May I Love Patrick🩵
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Thala
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Al Jazeera
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予選通過
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كرم ابو سالم
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連休最終日
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えーりん
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四塩化一黄酸
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GW終わり
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柱稽古編
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Santner
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Hey friends, I’m thrilled because nonsense newsletter is opening up pitches for our LGBTQIA+ Media Watch Project. We’re looking for feature articles on queer representation across the media from LGBTQIA+ writers and journalists. We pay $400 AUD minimum fyi
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Just saw a very stoned young man in the 7/11 look at the selection of chips sadly and say softly “there’s too many of you”
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I used to wonder why adults were obsessed with having a glass of wine, but now I get it. It’s due to the agonies
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worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster
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How come the anaesthetist banter right before they put you under is always so fire? Are they the jokesters of the hospital?
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said "Here's my review! Not a great movie tbh" and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like "oh... we'd still like an article?"
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Blows my mind that 7 years ago someone tweeted something like “Elon Musk is short for Elongated Muskrat” and he’s thought about it so often that he’s now bought Twitter so he can ban them
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Why can’t jk Rowling be more like George r r martin: make a heap of money, then never write or say anything ever again, just fully commit to fun little hats, every so often release a statement saying “hams did exist in Westeros”
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a gorgeous headline
Johnny Depp says ‘no one safe’ from cancel culture as he accepts lifetime achievement award
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This is terf rhetoric, terf language, and as we’ve seen over the last couple of days it’s escalating. They have either fallen for a conspiracy theory, or actively peddle it in bad faith
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Rapid antigen tests are actually totally affordable - here’s how one proud millennial couple managed to buy a pack of five, through hard work, saving, and only a little bit of help from the bank of mum and dad
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Give her the Nobel peace prize you cowards
This is Tula. She’s been protecting the penguins of Middle Island in southwest Victoria for the last 8 years. Increasing their population from less than 10, to over 100. This week she retired, but not before helping train a new class of penguin protectors. 15/10 thank you, Tula
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Just looking at a certain transphobic radio hosts twitter likes and marvelling at the fact that people still don’t know that we can all see you liking trans porn
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I love this woman and her curvy body. as a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones w
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Kids these days will never understand that David Duchovny with his dick in a teacup was considered the peak of sexiness in the nineties
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theres a reason why cis women speaking out on behalf of trans people drives the terfs absolutely wild - its because it exposes their grift of taking on behalf of all women. Nothing more hypocritical for them than tackling a cis woman to the ground during a "let women speak" rally
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It’s pretty funny that terf academic has to work on the same campus as the worlds largest pride flag lol
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Girl, you are a host on The Project and contributing editor at a mainstream news paper, you ARE the loudest voice
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This is probably my most used 30 Rock reference, to the point where I once got in trouble at a workplace for saying it in a reply all to an email about work Christmas party plans
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Literally everyone in Australia does this, it’s not that deep.
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Transphobes have brainworms … stupidest people on this earth
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I adore how Australia chose to honour our drowned prime minister’s memory, and the world needs to know
On this day in 1967: Prime Minister Harold Holt drowns
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Queerbaiting is when you prop a box up with a stick attached to a string and then put Laura Dern underneath
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My resolution for 2023 is to stop using one giant Note in my notes app for literally everything
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my first day at creative writing at uni, the faculty head gave us a long speech. One point was “never believe your writing is genius” and told us about taking acid and coming up with the most profound sentence in the English language. When he woke he’d written “very yes indeed”.
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@PatrickLenton
and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate
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now that its been a few years since Schitt's Creek ended, this is the joke that has stuck with me the longest and maintained real estate in my terrible memory, and I still find absolutely hysterical
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imagine being a billionaire and spending your life and fortune targeting zine makers, god's most inherently defeated content creators
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"Trans day of vengeance" and "gay wrath month" are both longstanding jokes within the queer community, anyway reporting on these and saying they are "calls for violence" are being very stupid, or more likely, wilfully stupid in bad faith
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which is genocide
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@PatrickLenton
and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool
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Remember when there were all those needles in the strawberries? That was a better vaccination plan than Australia currently has
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@PatrickLenton
so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man
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this is the funniest graphic ive ever seen
Harry Potter author JK Rowling has slammed Scottish lawmakers for a new legislation that criminalises “threatening, abusive or insulting” behaviour against a persons “characteristics”.
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@PatrickLenton
and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious
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Happy Pride to David Yost only, who played Billy the Blue Ranger, and who was homophobically bullied on the show until he left, and got written off. “The reason that I walked off is that I was called fag one too many times”
Happy Pride to the Ranger every gay played as while their friends fought over who was the Red Ranger.
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America needs to understand that he did nothing wrong, it’s Kyle and Jackie O
Jacob Elordi is involved in a police investigation in Australia after allegedly assaulting a radio producer on Saturday.
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@PatrickLenton
this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG'
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@PatrickLenton
and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherfucker
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This is worth it simply for how much it’s annoyed the worst people in the world
There's a new flag flying outside the offices of the Victorian Government.
Because we'll always respect you.
And we'll always have your back.
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@PatrickLenton
in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother
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@PatrickLenton
while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch
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@PatrickLenton
although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog.
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my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle
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@karaschlegl
We need to talk about how when you have adhd a woman keeps trying to skin you and turn you into a fabulous coat
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@PatrickLenton
THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH
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there is a frenzied entitlement to people's sexuality at the moment, and it's really shit. It's leading to a kind of moralistic witchhunt, where in order to sidestep accusations of "queerbaiting", you need to verify your queerness - usually to people who aren't queer themselves
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@PatrickLenton
so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her
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SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A FUCKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER
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and I fucking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog
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BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND
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@PatrickLenton
and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted.
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it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun
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I am SCREAMING, Auckland turned it out with more than 2000 protestors for Posie Parker’s lil’ hate rally.
Amazing work Aotearoa
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so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit
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and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard)
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and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog
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and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev
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finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months)
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Phoebe Bridgers calling Margaret Court a cunt and then making the crowd chant “fuck Margaret court” was a pretty iconic moment. No pics, I’m respectful
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After you’ve been humiliated in every single capital city and ruined the local terf respectability grift with your Nazi pals, all that’s left is to fully lean into Captain Planet villain exit monologues. Was she shaking her first at the sky while she said this?
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One tip I’ve found to help avoid this sensation is to put the mask on the OUTSIDE of my mouth, not curl it up like a taco and swallow it like a pelican
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@PatrickLenton
but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere
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anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a fucking demon dog, and it comes with me too
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and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away
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and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER
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just saw a tiktok of a girl who has JUST moved from london to melbourne, being like "Now I can swim at beautiful beaches that are almost as good as Majorca every weekend all year round". oh no
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the way i continue to stan Dylan Moran, this is one of the more interesting responses to the idea of cancel culture in comedy
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so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him fuck off back to his OWN HOUSE
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@annaspargoryan
i can't believe I wrote this instead of that article that will earn me money which is due today
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For me, it was “gay” that was the slur used when beating me up during highschool. And some other slurs. I wouldn’t try to remove the G from LGBTIQ, so leave the Q alone. Feel free to not use queer to describe yourself, but also learn your history
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@PatrickLenton
so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully.
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in mr morrison's defence, what people are missing is that it won't be a single child driving the forklift, it will be three, stacked on each other's shoulders, wearing a trenchcoat
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and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world
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There’s no advantage you dipshits, stop replying!!! Go read a book
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I don’t think we fully appreciate just what a deranged gift the Guardian “experiences” column is - a seemingly endless deluge of British horse girls telling us about their lives with almost no introspection
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Weird, I don’t hear Yanny or Laurel anymore, just the long endless scream of a wasted life
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I’m so tired.... I’m 1000 years old...... I don’t give a shit unless I see one of them cum in the others ass on screen
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Once i applied for a job in Singapore, and in my SECOND interview they asked why I wanted to work in Singapore specifically (i didn't, just wanted money) and I panicked and said "it has one of my top five airports" and the interviewer laughed so much they turned off their camera
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“Now, let’s think of a headline so we can at least imply racism”
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the Toilet Police had a huge meltdown over the weekend about a gender neutral bathroom in the Tivoli in Brisbane, hassling the owners etc, only to discover that once again all their concerns are completely made up hyperbole based on nothing lol
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lol glinner famously doesn't have a family anymore, due to the transphobia obsession
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my family me explaining
watching a which actor had a
movie small role in Buffy
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Lady at Coles told me to take my headphones off and said “you shouldn’t have your headphones on” and I said “why is that” and she said “you couldn’t hear me” and I said “that’s the point” and then I rebelliously picked out my paprika and left. She’s made a very weak enemy
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yeah and part of that oppression is being constantly monitored and commented on and misgendered by obsessed losers
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committed election loser Katherine Deves has now resorted to following groups of trans people around and sneakily taking photos of them to post on Twitter, just in case you're wondering how much dignity she's bringing to her shift into failed politician and sky news commentator
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uh oh glinner is trying to get the Guardian to fire me, or in terms he'd understand, trying to get the guardian to divorce me and never let me see my children (pay checks)
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That story about a trans person “changing in front of children” in Tasmania was a fabrication, and the paper has had to apologise
1. All the anti-trans brokens do is lie, and there’s never any consequence
2. I’m imploring our media to have some dignity and do their jobs right
Newspaper caught out over fake letter about trans change room incident at pool
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