John Goddard
@nonestlex
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I write fast fiction. If you appreciate my work, please consider buying me a coffee:
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Joined May 2022
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Pinned Tweet
WRONGTHINK
I just got fired for wrongthink.
Then I find out that my bank account’s been frozen, too.
I try to get an Uber back home but no cars will pick me up.
How did Uber find out I committed wrongthink?
I check my phone and apparently I’ve been banned from Instagram for…
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This part of
@salltweets
’ cross-examination is iconic:
Lawyer: Ms Tickle is a woman, isn’t she?
Sall: Tickle is a biological male.
Lawyer: Even where a person who was assigned male at birth transitions to a woman by having surgery, hormones, gets rid of facial hair, undergoes…
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They say I live on stolen land.
But I came here as a convict and built myself up from nothing.
Seven generations of perseverance in a wild, untamed land.
I'm told I'm committing genocide against the indigenous.
But their population is increasing, along with their standard of…
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SINGAPORE
Has essentially the same population as Melbourne.
But there’s no graffiti, litter, or crack heads.
And they only pay 20% tax.
So how did this tiny island manage to build the best airline in the world?
And the best public transport system?
When we can’t even build…
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There is a 0% chance that I’ll go die in some ditch in Europe for this kleptocracy.
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I’m poor.
And that’s your fault.
It’s not the fact that I only work 12 hours a week at a café in Brunswick.
Which is already more work than I can handle, by the way.
The soy milk has me exhausted and I stay up until 3am playing Fortnight.
Capitalism is a rigged system.…
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YOU’VE BEEN LIED TO
Your power bill’s gone up 50% and your mortgage has doubled.
But anyone who explains why is a right-wing extremist.
And for some reason you defend their efforts to make sure you freeze to death this winter.
Because you can’t recognise that the power of a…
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THE VOICE ULTIMATUM
I turn on TV and get told to vote Yes.
My grocery store says that I must vote Yes.
And for some reason Pfizer wants me to vote Yes.
I think about this and it makes me suspicious.
I try to relax at the footy, but even there I get lectured.
They say…
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I pay $18 for a single croissant with butter.
Then get charged GST and a weekend surcharge.
And a card transaction fee on top.
I can’t help but feeling like they’re pillaging my wealth from me, one transaction at a time.
Each payslip they take out money to put towards my…
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THE UNIVERSITY OF NAARM
I'm ten minutes into this lecture and I can already see that it's going to be a train wreck.
“We don't want private school-educated white men in the profession anymore. It's time for diversity.”
The lecturer says this with confidence, apparently unaware…
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I’m stranded on a communist island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
My ancestors were sent here as prisoners.
And now they want me to pay reparations for that?
We’re being force-fed this distorted, collectivist view of history.
I don’t buy into it at all.
I know that all…
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CHINESE AIRSTRIKE
I see the bomb get dropped from my balcony in Brunswick.
A Chinese air strike on Australian shores.
The very next day there’s a march down Collins Street in opposition of the Government’s decision to deport Chinese nationals.
The ABC says that it’s only a…
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This is the olive oil I buy.
12 months ago, it was $36.
Now $55.
And Jim Chalmers wants you to believe that inflation is at 4% 🤡
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PARIS IS BURNING
Because some teenager got shot.
So I rob a Gucci store to get revenge.
But then I ask myself: am I angry at the kid getting shot? Or at the fact I can’t afford Gucci?
I realise it’s probably the latter.
And the media tells me that its the Whites’ fault I…
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Women are 5,000 times more likely to die from obesity than male violence.
So maybe that march was worthwhile.
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LIFE IN THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF VICTORIA
Looking out the window of the 86 Tram I see hardened faces and crumbling buildings, like a Soviet winter.
I stop at High Street in Northcote to get gelati from Il Melograno. Then I remember that the lockdown put it out of business.
My…
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I WANTED TO BUILD A HOUSE
So I saved up for ten years and bought a vacant block of land.
Then paid $50,000 in stamp duty.
And another $28,000 in mortgage repayments whilst waiting to get planning approval.
For some reasons it took council 18 months to decide whether to let me…
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REPARATIONS
I deserve them.
And you have to pay them to me.
I don’t care that you haven’t done anything wrong.
You can afford it.
I see that nice house you live in, and that European car you drive.
I’m jealous of what you have.
I want it.
And I don’t want to have to work…
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THE DEATH OF FIAT
The ATM tells me I can only take $500 out at a time.
If I want to get more, I need permission from the lady inside.
So I line up for 2 hours.
She asks me what I need the money for.
I ask her why that’s any of her business.
“It’s our policy.” She says,…
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The country said No, but the politicians say Yes.
So they’ll simply push forward with whatever plans they had.
The contempt they have for your opinion is no longer hidden.
They think you voted No because you’re uneducated.
Or you fell for some undefined ‘misinformation’.
In…
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I mean,
I love the Tates.
And I’m *obviously* a once-in-a-generation writer.
But surely the great man has made some sort of misstep here
@TateTheTalisman
.
Either way, I will take the W.
🙏✝️
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Things Australians love:
1. Big government
2. High taxes
3. Unaffordable homes
4. Lockdowns
5. Different laws for each race
What else?
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Interestingly, e-Karen wants it banned because it depicts a violent event.
She thinks that adults can’t handle the truth and wants to coddle you into thinking the world is a PG-rated movie.
But it’s not.
And there was no uproar from our government about other violent…
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WE LEFT THE GATES OPEN
In Sydney now there’s Jewish suburbs and Muslim suburbs.
Now that I think about it there’s Chinese suburbs too - where vacant mansions are purchased with corruption-tainted Yuan.
I can hear the call to prayer from the window of my rented apartment.
What…
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THE E-SAFETY CZAR
Australians are stupid and need my protection.
Free speech is a threat to democracy.
And by democracy I mean our totalitarian government.
You’re all children and you have to do as I tell you.
And no, I’m not bitter that I got fired from Twitter.
It’s…
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I MADE $3 MILLION
And all I had to do was say I got raped.
I ask if it is wrong to lie about that.
But The Media Lady says it will be easy, and she would help me tell my story.
“Everybody just believes what we tell them to,” the Media Lady says to me as we are preparing for…
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Can somebody actually explain to me how Australia became communist?
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I think Australia Month is a movement I can get behind 🇦🇺
Anyone else?
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I STUDIED ARTS
And I think I should be in charge of reorganising the economy.
Even though I spent my last $300 on a ticket to Splendour.
And $50,000 on a degree that won’t lead to employment.
I’m still smarter than you.
Because I know that everyone will die unless we abolish…
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COMMUNISM BY STEALTH
Did you know that 1 in 5 Australian workers are employed by the government?
This statistic haunts me.
And this figure only includes those directly employed by government.
It doesn’t include the countless lawyers, consultants, accountants, etc that are…
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I VOTED FOR LABOR
And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
I euthanised my daughter just to afford these interest rate rises.
The doctor said that removing her advanced society because she was white and cis-gendered.
But this cost saving measure wasn’t enough because our energy…
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They tell me I have white privilege, but I can’t see it.
I pay more for concert tickets, and the interest rate on my mortgage is higher.
I’m lower down the queue to get surgery.
I have to pay my own way through school and university.
And nobody’s given me any reparations,…
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I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY
Or at least I thought I did.
But then I woke up in a hospital bed with half my leg missing.
And a nurse telling me how brave I am.
Apparently my actions saved the whole battalion.
So they give me the Medal for Gallantry and a Victoria Cross.
The Prime…
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AUSTRALIAN CIVIL WAR
Growing up I was taught that Australia was a multi-cultural society. I didn’t know what that meant at first. The teacher explained that ours was a large, abundant country, and what made our country great was that people from all over the world could move…
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A devastating terrorist attack at Bondi Junction.
Albanese has already downplayed it as an 'incident'.
Next the Greens will be celebrating the attacker's use of a 'carbon neutral' weapon.
And Penny Wong will send foreign aid to his family.
The ABC will do a fact check to…
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THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF AUSTRALIA
I wake up at 6am, shivering.
My windowless apartment on the outskirts on Naarm is too expensive to heat during winter.
And even if I could pay the $8,000 per month, it wouldn’t help.
The wind power is unreliable and my social credit…
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Food prices are down 15% in Argentina due to de-regulation.
In Australia, they’re up 30% due to quantitative easing and communist-style over-regulation.
Merry Christmas, peasants.
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The media: stabbing women is a national tragedy 😢
Also the media: some guy got stabbed but he was a priest who didn’t like lockdowns, so… meh 🤷🏻♂️
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Labor wants to censor you.
Liberals want to censor you.
Greens want to censor you.
Facebook wants to censor you.
Instagram wants to censor you.
Your neighbour wants to censor you.
Your workplace wants to censor you.
And the average Australian will think this is fine.
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The cancellation of festivals due to “extreme heat” is the first step towards climate change lockdowns.
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I have been following this story with Billboard Chris and the Australian eSafety Commissioner.
I was tempted to write some satirical post about how dumb this situation is.
But to be honest, I'm too mad.
It is insane that the Australian government thinks it can be the arbiter…
Here’s the last page of the Australian government’s correspondence.
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YES!
It’s an emphatic, unashamed YES from me, I tell my Instagram followers as I write
#paytherent
in the caption of my post.
And I start to feel euphoric as the affirmation comes streaming in from my friends.
Lawyers, doctors, accountants.
They all agree with me that YES…
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I'M VOTING YES
Because the idea of Whiteness must die.
And I know that Stan Grant said it died with the Queen.
But he was wrong: it’s persisting and I find that disgusting.
So I need a Voice to Parliament.
Because then I’ll get Reparations, which I deserve.
Plus, you should…
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MY UTOPIAN MORNING
I wake up shivering because I can’t afford to turn the heating on.
And my shoulder hurts.
The doctor says I need surgery, but I’ve been pushed to the bottom of the waitlist because my skin’s not the right colour.
I roll over and feel for my wife but she’s…
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RIOT
I don’t understand why you’re not rioting in the streets.
They locked you up for 12 months and then caused all this inflation.
Every aspect of your life is dictated by some fake government regulation.
And now they’re trying to shut you up with the censorship bill?
You…
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They tell me that Australia will be embarrassed on the world stage if we don't vote Yes.
But I don’t think the world really thinks about us that much.
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THINGS THAT I SEE
I see the crumbling buildings, and my empty wallet.
I see tent cities in every capital.
I see the war and I'm told that we're winning.
But last time I checked, losing the most soldiers isn't the aim.
I see Australian flags being burned in the streets.
I…
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Have you ever noticed that you get taxed at 50%
And then on your post-tax dollars you pay 10% GST
Plus alcohol tax, stamp duty, luxury car tax, council rates
And then the government spends $380 million on nothing, $100k a week on flights, and millions on consultants
Strange
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DROWNING IN LEGISLATION
The law is a weapon used by the government to strangle the life out of Australians.
The average citizen is suffocated through their perverted obsession with safety.
You’re not allowed to go fishing, hunting, buy a weapon, build the type of property you…
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Everyone’s a communist
Anthony Albanese is a communist.
Jim Chalmers is a communist.
Alan Joyce is a communist.
The ABC is communist.
Westpac is communist.
All the local councils are communist.
The Voice is communist.
Universities are communist.
The AFL is communist.…
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Men die younger.
Men get conscripted.
Men do all the physical labor.
Men are more likely to self-delete.
Men sank with the titanic.
Men work longer hours.
Men go hungry to feed their kids.
Men are more likely to die in the workplace.
Truly evil, let's demonise them.
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Now my tax dollars will be used to fund a war on two fronts.
Eastern Europe, and the Middle East.
I don’t want to sound callous, but I don’t really think these conflicts have anything to do with me.
I’m worried about my own security and safety.
If Australia got invaded, I’d…
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When you find out your son is straight
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You should pay more tax.
Because there are only 32 public servants earning over $1,000,000 a year.
And Penny Wong could only afford to give $21.5 million to the terrorists.
Shame!
And if you paid more tax, maybe they could hire more people for the Victorian Commonwealth…
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Klaus Schwab tells me that I need to stop eating meat and euthanise my children so he can do lines with Greta in a private jet.
Jordan Peterson says I’m a divine being with a role to play in the future.
And which one does the media paint as a pariah?
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THE WAR IS ON OUR SHORES
Every city street is flooded with supporters of Palestine.
And in the blink of an eye the talking heads on TV morphed from Constitutional law experts into military strategists and historians.
I notice that I’m being force-fed a certain narrative by the…
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They made you afraid of the common cold.
They made you afraid of summer days.
They made you ashamed of your nation, and the colour of your skin.
They made children a luxury item.
And housing, too.
They made your currency worthless.
They put taxes on everything.
And then…
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Homelessness - up
Divorce rates - up
Cost of living - up
Literacy - down
Birth rates - down
home ownership - down
Commonwealth Games cancelled
Graffiti everywhere
Crack heads in the streets
Why?
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They keep telling us we’re racist.
And I’m beginning to think they’re right.
But it’s not the aboriginals that we don’t like.
It’s the people who don’t believe in equality under law.
It’s the people who prefer the blunt hammer of the State over the invisible hand of the free…
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I WAS MISGENDERED
It’s 2032. China invades Taiwan. America responds, and Australia gets dragged into the fray.
Supreme Ruler Andrews, First Among Equals, determines that I’m to be deployed as a front-line soldier.
I’m shipped off to Taipei in the 86th squadron – a proudly…
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CACOPHONY II
A military coup costs $6.2 billion.
And all the aboriginals on TV are fake.
And now the news wants me to believe that debates are ‘unscientific’?
And why do feminists only want the high paying jobs?
Nobody is clamouring to become a truck driver.
And how come…
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Sitting by the banks of the Yarra River I realise how truly ugly this city is.
A tiny slither of beauty, crushed beneath the concrete and bitumen.
A discarded wrapper from the organic food store demonstrates the hypocrisy of the inner-city dweller.
He says he works in ESG,…
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All the politicians want to talk about is this pointless referendum.
But I just want to know when my power bill will go down.
And why we sent all that money to Ukraine.
And if it was obvious the referendum was doomed to fail from day one, why did they continue to push it?…
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In July, you’ll get a $20 refund in tax each week.
But, from next week, fuel and alcohol excises will go up.
YOU LOSE AGAIN, PEASANTS!
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The ban the Nazi salute.
But Melbourne university hosts a Marxism conference every year.
And the Victorian Socialists openly celebrate Lenin's birthday.
Who's killed more: the Nazis or the communists?
Everyone knows it's the communists.
Lenin has the blood of millions on his…
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THE LEFT WING CONTRADICTION
I always despised poor people: they’re lazy and unclean.
That’s why I voted for the right.
I knew that under a Liberal government, the rewards would go to those who worked hard. That made sense to me.
But the poor people always voted left.
Because…
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I don’t want the government raising my children.
I don’t want the government dictating what I eat.
I don’t want the government to be my landlord.
I don’t want the government acting as the arbiter of truth.
I don’t want the government to have a record of all my…
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Optus is down and the world’s fallen apart.
The media acts shocked: “how could this happen?!”.
But those of us with two eyes and brain think this outcome was obvious.
And now all the cafes wish they accepted cash.
And I don’t know how many times I can scream about the…
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ILLUSION
My mum’s sick.
So I thought I’d build her granny flat to live in out the back of my place.
But it cost $40k just to draw up the plans.
Then I had to pay the local aboriginal tribe $300k.
I don’t really understand why.
They said it was for a consultant, but I never…
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In Italy I paid €11 for 5 croissants (don’t judge me) and 2 macchiatos.
This is about $18 AUD.
At my cafe in Australia, that food would cost $66.
🙃
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I’M A RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST
And a violent misogynist.
The other day I held the door open for this girl at work.
She told HR and I got fired the next day.
Then I asked my wife to leave her admin job and spend more time with our kids.
But she said she needed her ‘freedom’ and…
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I don’t actually feel guilty about things I didn’t do.
So the propaganda doesn’t work on me.
Anyone else?
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These words have lost all meaning:
- Racist
- Woman
- Nazi
What else?
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546
Income tax is theft.
Capital gains tax is theft.
Stamp duty is theft.
Fuel excise is theft.
Compulsory acquisition is theft.
Payroll tax is theft.
GST is theft.
Rates are theft.
Luxury car tax is theft.
Import duties are theft.
Rego fees are theft.
☭
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CACOPHONY
Putin warns me about Marxism
The AFL feeds me KFC
Sports Illustrated says fat chicks are hot
Dan Andrews cuts my daughter’s breasts off
The ABC calls me a racist
Lidia Thorpe calls me a white c*nt
Stan Grant uses black face
The police tasered my grandma
My salary…
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NORTHCOTE MUMS
Drive Subarus and raise transgender kids
Do yoga at Good Vibes then cocaine at Purple Emerald
Vote for the Greens and marry a banker
Pay $4 million for a house on ‘stolen land’
Drink champagne and talk about socialism
‘Carbon emissions will destroy the planet’…
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The most racist public figures in recent history:
1 - Lidia Thorpe
2 - Noel Pearson
3 - Sam Kerr
Am I missing anyone?
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I’m not exactly shocked that citizens of a country that was set up as a penal colony are so weak and malleable.
“More tax please sir.”
“Can we have another six months in lock down?”
“Free speech is dangerous, I want the government to tell me what is true!”
Pathetic.
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Need to get my hands on a set of encyclopaedias.
Old ones, written before all the academics became communists and the universities stopped teaching facts.
What year was that?
1970?
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I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS
I didn’t ask for you to censor me.
I didn’t ask for you to send my tax dollars to Ukraine.
I didn’t ask for you to sell my data to the highest bidder.
I didn’t ask for you to have a monopoly on violence.
I didn’t ask for you to create a welfare class.…
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Things that are threatening to ruin Australia:
1. The Voice
2. Communism
3. Fake Nazis
4. Assault on housing affordability
5. Welfare dependency
What else?
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Steak and two eggs for breakfast.
Increases my carbon footprint.
I’m over my monthly limit.
The Commonwealth Banks reports my over-consumption to ASIO.
ASIO cross-checks its database.
I’m already known to them.
In May I made some Twitter posts, criticising the…
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Values I consider to be Australian:
1. Mateship
2. A fair go
3. Equality (not equity)
4. Freedom
5. A Sense of humour
What would you add?
226
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We wanted a leader.
But all we got was a pudgy Taylor Swift fan who’s more interested in public appearances than hard work.
You’re working two jobs just to afford these interest rate rises.
Whilst Albanese took a limousine to a concert and charged it back to you.
Why?
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Never forget that 20% of Australia’s workforce is employed by the public sector.
Communism by stealth ☭
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Australia is demonstrably in decline:
- lower wages
- higher cost of living
- higher crime
- fewer freedoms
- bigger government
😥
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Time for a National Divorce?
Communists and drag queens can live on Native Title along with the fake aboriginals.
The rest of us can live in the land of common law and common sense, Torrens Title and the Westminster System.
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The average person is so dumb that they believe their tax dollars are spent on roads and hospitals.
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MEAT
I don’t want plant-based meat.
I want meat-based meat.
But then I remember that we killed all the cows.
Because something something carbon emissions.
So I try to find something else to eat.
But now there’s not much food anywhere.
And the little food that’s left is so…
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And suddenly everyone remembers what a woman is 🤦🏻♂️
Didn’t have this one on my bingo card.
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COLLECTIVISTS
Why do all these dungeon-dwelling neckbeards think that they deserve to be my equal?
You’ll never have a house as nice as mine and I think that’s a good thing.
I mean, what did you expect?
You have a PhD in feminism and work 12 hours a week.
Don’t make me pay…
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How to improve housing affordability (without reverting to communism/squatting):
1. Ban foreign ownership
2. Abolish negative gearing
3. Limit of 1-2 residential properties per person (to be grandfathered)
4. Abolish stamp duty
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When I grow up I want to be censored.
When I grow up I want to be locked out of the housing market.
When I grow up I want to be taxed at 80%.
When I grow up I want to be held accountable for events that occured before I was born.
When I grow up I want to be banned from…
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THE LONG MARCH
The TV keeps telling me I should be worried about COVID.
But what I’m actually worried about is the communists and the taxes and the impending economic collapse.
I’m worried about the relationship between government and big business.
And I'm worried about the…
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Optus paid no tax.
You paid more tax.
Public servants got a pay rise.
All the infrastructure projects got cancelled.
Inflation is man made.
Wages haven’t gone up since the 70s.
You’re poorer than ever.
And they tell you that more communism will fix it.
🤡
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