Jacob Hawley
@hawleyjacob
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Comedian. On tour 2024, link in bio. Also @thekickofftg and Arsenal Opinion pod with @legrove
N19
Joined September 2009
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Pinned Tweet
🚨NATIONAL TOUR ON SALE🚨
In the spring of 2024 I am taking a new hour of stand up on a tour of the UK, it’s called SPACE 🚀
Tell your mates tell your parents tell your enemies, like this, share this, etc etc ❤️
Tickets available on website and via link in bio 🎟️
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I think my favourite football stat I’ve ever read is that in his 5 years at Arsenal, Granit Xhaka has written 19 Instagram apologies lol
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At a gig and an audience member has just accused a comedian of assuming she has a middle name just because she is white. We should not have saved live comedy.
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Watching Love Actually my gf says to me ‘if I ever saw you dancing with your secretary like that I’d know something was going on’
Tbf could probably start asking questions the moment that I, a stand-up comedian, decide to hire a secretary.
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Imagine still having a job when every 3 months you do something so bad that you have to post ‘I am so, so sorry’
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Quite hard walking past the pub on the way to therapy knowing 2 pints in the sun over the course of an hour would cost forty one pounds sterling less and make me feel an awful lot better!
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Cannot believe my trips to the Fly Emirates stadium in my Visit Rwanda shirt to watch the Barclays Premier League are going to be ruined by corporate greed!
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My set for the Russell Howard hour is on nearly 40k views, which is good!
Link below, please give it a share or a watch or whatever. Big debates in the comments re my outfit and my opinions if that’s your kinda thing
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I largely agree with their cause and most of what they do but then every few months they do something like this and you go ‘oh, you are just a load of annoying teenagers with pink hair aren’t you, and that’s why you’ll never win’
Just Stop Oil protestors have thrown SOUP over Van Gough’s iconic sunflowers painting at the National Gallery.
@LBC
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If my girlfriend looked at me like this today I'd shit myself
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From the same evening, a very gentle ribbing of what the
@arseblog
and
@arsenalvpodcast
have done to my life (with a shoutout to my hero,
@clivepafc
)
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Did some stand up on the tele for the first time this week.
Thanks to
@russellhoward
for having me on his show. Catch it on Sky Max this Thursday at 10, or wait and watch it on social media next week if, like me, you don’t have sky 🙃
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My girlfriend went to Ireland and brought me back some fresh eggs from a farm. These are them next to a normal egg. Wtf are they doing to chickens over there man these look like they came out a dog
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Last week I got to complete a little dream in performing at The Emirates stadium.
Thanks to
@AST_arsenal
for having me, a pleasure to have met Bacary Sagna, Nigel Winterburn, and more importantly,
@Stillmanator
.
Here's a clip of me talking about the All Or Nothing doc
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Happy father’s day Dad. The way you work so hard whilst so many people try to tear you down will always be an inspiration to me. Hope you have a great day
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So sad reading about Phil Jerrod. I frequently retell so many of the wise, supportive things he told me when I was a new act. Made every car journey/green room a happier place. Really sad day for our industry, all thoughts with his family
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North London Forever in my headphones as I drag my case through Kings Cross to see my girls for the first time in 20 days. Im in bits.
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Well done kid. You shouldn’t have been asked to do that and you did it with courage. Me and thousands of others are with you, always. Gooner for life.
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Little chunk of stuff from the Russell Howard hour last week. Link to the full set is below. Comments section a mess as you’d imagine (one bloke didn’t like the outfit??!!)
❤️MERRY CHRISTMAS💚
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💪🏻 💪🏻 💪🏻
👊 “Right now, Jorginho is a better player than Caicedo!”
✅ “Who do we want to replace Partey long-term? For me, it’s Rice!”
🤫 “Fans getting upset… go play Football Manager! You can sign Caicedo twice!”
#AFC
fan
@HawleyJacob
is fed up with fellow fans moaning on Twitter!
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🌈GETTING CALLED ‘GAY’ AT SCHOOL🌈
Full list of dates for my UK tour in the link in my bio, including big London date Feb 25th
#funnyvideo
#standup
#comedy
#London
#RussellHoward
#gay
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Had to follow both
@IainDoesJokes
and
@howardhour
the other night at
@topsecretcomedy
.
Not ideal. Watch below.
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He’s maybe the funniest man in the country
Here's a little insight into the mind of
@JamieHComedy
on Taskbastard.
The special they tried to ban is out RIGHT NOW!
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👀Little announcement👀
I’m going on tour!
I’m bringing my new show Bump, an hour of stand up about identity, social class, and drinking Olive Oil, around the country in 2023.
More shows to be announced for London/Oxford and more soon, but in the meantime all dates here!
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James and team employed and looked after me last year when I got no government help and had mouths to feed. Lovely, lovely people. If you’re hard up shout them x
Any working-class comedians on the bare bones of their arse - please email theteam
@alwaysbecomedy
.com. Big thanks. Genuine post. Feels a bit virtue signally, but there we are. Have a lovely day. ❤️
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Lovely
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Celebrated World Mental Health day by clocking in a cool 8 hours of screen time 😎
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Just my overly suspicious girlfriend there having the gall to ask why I've hired someone on 26K a year to write 3 invoices a week and arrange an 'Office Christmas Party' for the two of us
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Wrote about my job and my daughter for the metro.
'She’s got big round hazel eyes like her Mum. And she laughs uncontrollably, like she’s being tickled, at the smallest things. I showed her a ladle the other day. She laughed for five minutes. Easiest gig in the world.'
@hawleyjacob
for
@MetroUK
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Biggest regret of my professional life is not continuing to make a podcast with this man
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Honestly if you can get into the whole 'its gonna be a lovely cozy autumn 🥰' thing after this summer you're actually sick. Rained for 4 months straight no amount of beanie hats will make that alright
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If you have watched, listened to, or attended anything I have made this year then thank you. The plans for next year are bigger and better. And the plans always go to shit. But something else usually happens ❤️
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Impolite to retweet praise, but tonight was a bit bucket list. King fucking Kev man
I can’t think of to many comedians more suitable to be support for Kevin Bridges than
@hawleyjacob
. I am getting a bigger fan of him and his stand up each time I see him. Phenomenal job tonight
@billmurraypub
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Thx for the nice comments about this. If you're new, HELLO.
Here's some links to bits you might enjoy. Award-winning podcasts on drugs/sex including a visit to a porn shoot. 30 mins of stand-up recorded for Radio 4. Monthly comedy club in London. GO.
On this week’s Spotlight, we have one of the Britain’s brightest young stand-ups,
@HawleyJacob
👌😎
#TheRussellHowardHour
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Bit of good news; I’ve now got a monthly column in The Metro. First Monday of the month I’ll be rambling on about something or other.
For the first one I wrote about those annoying Tik Tokers who try to teach you how to make money FAST
'I’ve started to think, if you can’t beat them, join them. Maybe I could start my own channel. I’ve watched enough videos now...I reckon I could teach any viewers I manage to pick up how to become finance influencers themselves.'
@hawleyjacob
for
@MetroUK
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19 years old. When I was 19 I came back from Faliraki and my Mum punched me, because me and my mate got 2 tattoos for the price of 1 by letting the guy use the same needle on both of us.
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Wrote about spending my summers in caravan parks for The Metro. Have a read.
'There’s a special place in my heart for the camaraderie you get on caravan sites – even if I sometimes resented these trips at the time.'
@hawleyjacob
writes for
@MetroUK
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My sister checked my nephews iPad the other day and found that he’s been taking selfie’s with my parents dog when no ones looking lol
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Four more then home. Last week an elderly couple came (and enjoyed it) because they’d heard me speak at my uncles funeral a few years ago and thought I seemed like a laugh. Proof that exit flyering works!
⏰13:25⏰
📍HIVE ONE📍
🫃 BUMP🫃
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look at me, tweeting about going to therapy, like one of those 22 year old American comedians who look like models and have 50 thousand followers and once a year put up a clip from a gig attended by 9 people that goes viral
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Tomorrow my stand-up special Class Act is the Radio Times pick of the day 🥳
Tune in at 7 on
@BBCRadio4
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LONDON. TOMORROW.
Doing the London date of my UK tour and it’s nearly sold out.
My best show yet, recommended by
@BritishComedy
who described it as ‘an impeccable hour of man and mic comedy’.
Let’s sell it out so I can keep the boy in nappy’s.
Ticket link in bio.
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I’m watching Saka match Fodens numbers this year and we know Fodens getting POTY. Imagine how good Saka could be if we could keep him fresh
“SAKA IS FUCKED!” - are Arsenal at risk of shortening the career of Saka?
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@ReidTheGame
@Gmac86062000
Think it’s the left 8 as well - Martinelli got 15 goals last year and I think Xhaka was under rated at going outside of him
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Didn’t think they’d actually use this picture 💀
'January is the month in which we repent, we suffer, we punish ourselves for having a vaguely nice time the month previous.'
@hawleyjacob
writes for
@MetroUK
#NewYear2022
#NewYearsResolution
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A very good day for men like me who have found the term ‘Chelski’ funny for nearly twenty years
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Head hurts. Insides hurt. Girlfriend wouldn’t let me in the bed cos I stunk of booze.
England beating Germany at Wembley ticked off the bucket list. Don’t take me home ❤️
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Last line on my radio 4 show. Normally with a show like that I’d have previewed it over and over to get it tight. In the absence of gigs,
@Alex_Farrow
provided a fantastic writer partner and sound board for ideas. If you’re working on something, hire him. So good to write with.
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Let it be known that Paul Sinha’s been my hero even before that tweet
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So sad reading about Sean Lock. Would really recommend looking at his live stuff, really good example of someone who can smash panel shows then do really odd and mad live stuff. RIP
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🤡JACOB HAWLEY: CLASS ACT🤡
My stand-up special Class Act broadcasts this Sunday at 7 on
@BBCRadio4
This is a clip from the show. Please share and like and do all that stuff. I’ve never put stand up on here before and perhaps I never will again.
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I came out swinging for Benny Blanco in this, check it out
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Edinburgh routine:
- Wake up
- Check my ticket sales
- Check to see if any more reviews of the show have been published
- Check outside to see if the ‘Rat Serge’ has begun
- Head into town and do the show 😎
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🥵EDINBURGH FRINGE 22🥵
Back to Scotland with a new show about edibles, pregnancies, oil and Grease Lightning.
Delighted to be working with
@countrymileprod
@MultitudeMedia
@thisstuartlaws
@livecomedy
@timlewistimlewis
@BarrelComedy
because it really does take a village.
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Wandering round on holiday listening to an Arsenal podcast and
@clivepafc
drops the line ‘don’t let love take you to places you can’t recover from’. Was expecting a rant about VAR now I’m crying outside a gelato shop this is poetry ffs
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Please god
@premierleague
make one of the games come on a bit earlier my family are driving me fucking mental
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The best thing that ever happened on this horrible fucking website
I just heard John passed away.. He somehow became a Twitter friend.. I’m very sad. Although I never met him in person.. Internet friends can become close.. RIP
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Very sorry to say that, after being charged £22 for 4 hours parking in Brighton, I have actually cancelled summer.
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Genuinely over the moon about this. Been blowing my fucking mind how they keep popping up
🍭 Westminster City Council has launched an investigation into 30 US-themed sweet shops on Oxford Street over alleged business rate evasion.
The council announced it had seized nearly half a million pounds worth of counterfeit or illegal goods in one week alone.
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I wasn't up last year but the 2021 fringe basically sounds like what it should be. Short runs, less need for advertising spend, happier performers, full rooms. I don't know who's responsibility it is to change this but performers can't keep carrying this festival on their backs.
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Fed up with it all. Fuck vaccine passports. Fuck more lockdowns. Fuck people called Boris and Allegra stopping us from earning or seeing our families. Let’s do Christmas riots again get out in tottenham steal a flatscreen make myself feel young again
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In what is the most ‘Fathers for Justice’ move of my life, I think I am going to go and protest outside the Emirates tonight.
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We’ve started a comedy club!
First one September 30th!
With
@sarabarron
!
JACOB HAWLEY'S SELF-IMPROVEMENT CLUB
@hawleyjacob
invites you to watch him improve himself (thus improving yourself 𝑎𝑛𝑑 your evening) as he works out new material with a special guest each month.
Our 1st guest is the brilliant
@sarabarron
on Sept 30 👉
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Got so stoned I drank olive oil. Was last week
Gwyneth Paltrow broke down and ate bread during quarantine. What was your lowest point?
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🎉🚨 TOUR EXTENSION, OXFORD/ST ALBANS🚨🎉
2 new dates added to my 2023 tour in Oxford and St Albans! All dates listed here, check my website (link in bio) for tickets. London dates announced very soon 👀👀
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We lost 4-0 lol
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I’ve got a voice over gig and an hour long preview tomorrow how do I stop myself shouting
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I’ve been shouting about Edinburgh/Tour (tickets to both in bio) so this didn’t get the promo it deserves but fuck me it’s funny.
Big Josh Pugh came on Last Night Out and I laughed more than I’ve ever laughed on stage.
Get it in podcast places
@JoshPughComic
@bellabellahull
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🤫🤫🤫
This week on The Russell Howard Hour we’ll be taking a deep dive into this week’s news, chatting to
@jimmycarr
and
@GabbyLogan
, and featuring stand up from
@hawleyjacob
🔥
Make sure to catch it TONIGHT at 10pm on Sky!
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You don’t win a medal for pretending she wasn’t strangely quite fit
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Guardian interview here for the late Friday afternoon heads
'A sex toy factory sent me a sex doll to say thanks for featuring them on my podcast' – here's
@hawleyjacob
on the things that make him laugh the most
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Hangover level: nearly in tears of gratitude for what a wonderful premier league campaign we're having. Few games left and still a great race for the title, for top 4 and a good relegation scrap. Thank you, Barclays!
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I’ll never get my head around stuff like this getting a quarter of a million likes. Imagine tweeting some inane shit like ‘cold waters nice isn’t it’ and the population of a small city like it lol
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Usually manage to avoid the anger on here but when people start moaning about the heat I nearly lose it ITS BEEN THE WORST SUMMER OF MY LIFE SOME OF US ENJOY WARMTH IF YOU DONT LIKE IT MOVE TO SCOTLAND
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hangover level: wearing a neck cushion for a bit of extra support
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Thanks for having me. Going to bed saying ‘I’ve performed at the emirates’
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Personally think it's bollocks that we're calling this 'lockdown three'. The second one was about 3 fucking weeks. It was a quiet weekend compared to this.
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And that was that. Last one today. Not sure I’ll ever do fringe again. So, maybe for the last time…
Last call for tickets for today. Let’s go out with a bang.
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Reading group chat, watching the football and listening to a football podcast all at the same time. 3 different forms of dialogue to follow all at once. Brain unable to keep up, eyes switching from screen to screen, and somehow, this is how I relax.
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Here we go again
SELL OUT first show of
@hawleyjacob
‘s new tour “KANING IT!” In Cardiff tonight. Chuffed to bits to be supporting this legend for the whole tour. If you haven’t bought tickets yet, buy tickets! Next stop BIDDULPH!
#newtour
#kaningit
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Noticed the baby looking fed up when I make coffee in the morning.
I think she’s learned that, as soon as I drink it, I’m gonna have to go to the toilet, and she’s going to have to watch.
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