seynique
@seynique
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comedian. writer. podcaster. | she/her co-host of @everybodywspod & @wediefirstpod seyniquesmythecomedy @ https://t.co/NqCyCoulNQ
Joined March 2013
if we all stay in bed, what are they gonna do? pull us out? while we’re still in our jim jams? i don’t think so.
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“snickerdoodle” is the perfect name for a cookie. just a silly, yummy little guy. no notes.
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one time in hs, my teacher asked about the origin of my last name and i said it was scottish and then he asked me if i was scottish and i said no but the family that owned my family probably were and then we just stared at each other.
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i’m a feminist until i gotta carry shit. i’m so dainty teehee.
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dipping an italian beef in lake michigan.
Went to Roatan to dip my mango in the ocean like Rihanna! And it’s so good!!! 😩
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at the stage of the pandemic where i long for other, earlier days in the pandemic.
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“we are the daughters of the witches they couldn’t burn.” your name is megan.
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she’s a 10 but when she cums she screams “oh…oh….oh…o’reillyyyyyy auto parts”.
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the kids who took capture the flag too seriously are republicans.
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how you gonna be an alpha male with rosy cheeks?.
The female mind, the beta mind, and the liberal mind are all the same. None of them can comprehend the levels of alpha male in this one photo.
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music videos for songs from the soundtrack starring the actors from the movie. we used to be a proper country.
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i still read buzzfeed because i like the *pop pop pop* sound my brain cells make when they’re dying
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wait i just found out jesus christ is a nepotism baby? his father is GOD this is crazy and so eye opening.
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has anyone actually been to a sadie hawkins dance or is that an urban legend like rainbow parties or god?.
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everyone acts like 69 is the best position but it’s actually 11 (you both lay on your backs side by side, not touching, just staring at the ceiling in silence).
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when fleetwood mac said “don’t stop thinkin’ about tomorrow” i felt that because i have anxiety.
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galas never left you’re just poor.
They took this away form us and gave us dating apps instead. I will bring back galas.
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being vaccinated does NOT mean that you can separate your twin daughters during your divorce and move to napa while your wife moves to london and then never tell your daughters that they have a twin sister AND a living parent, leading to them meeting each other at summer camp. .
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i know i said “if you have any questions, feel free to reach out i’m happy to help!” in my email but the thing is i was lying. i’m a liar.
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it also shouldn’t be lost on anyone that there seems to be an influx of this sort of aspirational trad wife content at the same time the political influence of the far right continues to take its hold, at least in the U.S. and the girlies are eating it up.
I love how not liking when young women blindly buy into an unrealistic image of domestic bliss, sold by a 22 year old Mormon influencer who is about to have her fourth kid, it is actually just being miserable and bitter instead of being wary and observant. We never getting free.
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a horror movie about a whale and the trailer uses a slowed down and creepy version of “my humps”.
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if there’s one thing hilary duff is gonna do, it’s put her thumb in a belt loop.
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sometimes i just say “you had SEX?!” the way shandi’s boyfriend did after she cheated on him in italy, completely unprompted
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i’m not built for a 9 to 5. i’m built for marrying a wealthy vineyard owner in napa who has a brat for a daughter but then just before our wedding i learn that he actually has another daughter who’s been living in london with her fashion designer mother the girls met at summer c-.
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i’m glad that the girls are learning about the importance of coalition building.
swifties Megan The Stallion is about to get her first solo #1 single with “HISS” let’s help her by streaming and buying the song everywhere 😊
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“your wedding will be the biggest day of your life.” false: it was when i got slimed at nickelodeon studios in orlando, florida.
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i am two seasons deep into “the gilded age” and i do not know a single character’s name.
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@ArielleDundas ok unpopular opinion: crying babies on planes are not that big of a deal. i am passed out for 90% of most flights with ear buds in, i’m lucky if i’m aware enough to get some biscoff.
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everyone thinks they’re a carrie or a miranda. i’m that bitch that fell out the window
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whenever my dog sits in my spot on the couch i pretend like i’m gonna sit on him so he’ll move but lately he’s been calling my bluff like “i fucking dare you bitch i’ll call sarah mclachlan”.
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get you a man who looks at you the way that sondheim looks at a wide-eyed mezzo-soprano who’s fucking nailing amy’s part in ‘not getting married’
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ppl are assuming i mean that the bangs were bad. it’s just uncommon on television to have two female leads with “similar” hair bc execs think we can’t tell women apart like how integral it was that satc had 2 blondes, a brunette, and a redhead but not 4 blondes. that’s illegal.
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idea: boobs that you can shrink at will when you want to wear a backless dress but can inflate when you need to take your car to a mechanic.
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almost just ended a friendship over a disagreement (who killed jonbenet ramsay).
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@anylaurie16 i was so pressed to drive so you could imagine my disappointment when i failed my test 4 times.
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@ElyKreimendahl the people who believe this and can’t label our reproductive systems are the same people.
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sometimes i say “thackery! thackery binx!” just to feel something.
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asking that y’all leave telling us about your stupid husbands in 2023 please i’m dying.
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the feminine urge to grab your own tits, sometimes for comfort, always for fun.
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i love when parents say their kids are “curious” like it’s special. like no shit, that mf is 2 - he literally knows nothing.
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everyone keeps pointing out how large the u.s. is to explain why americans don’t have passports/don’t travel abroad but no one’s talking about the fact that most americans don’t get that much time off of work to justify taking a trip abroad.
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will i get an agent if my pilot starts with "ok so they fuckin'"?.
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so who are mediocre white people going to blame when they still can’t get into elite colleges?.
BREAKING: The U.S. Supreme Court rules colleges and universities must stop considering race in admissions, putting an end to affirmative action in higher education.
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this one’s for the girls with plantar fasciitis who have to wear special shoes to complete the lewk
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i think it’s a woman’s right to get a divorce and start making out with chicks.
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i don't trust anyone over 5'8". whatchya planning up there big guy?.
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didn’t know 🌹 meant socialism just figured y’all were former contestants on the bachelor.
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i have a degrassi podcast. in the most recent episode we talk about when manny got these ugliass bangs. you should listen.
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white people love songs where they get to practice their geography. country roads, sweet home alabama, kokomo.
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i know alison bechdel regrets making that little cartoon because y’all are so annoying.
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i don’t delete my tweets. i send them to a farm upstate where they can run free with other tweets.
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at 10K followers, i’ll get your parents back together. for some this is a promise, for others, a threat.
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the mental gymnastics that white people and institutions will do to excuse racism is not just absurd, it’s murderous. it’s genocidal.
"Yesterday was a really bad day for him and this is what he did" -- a law enforcement official explains Robert Aaron Long's decision to kill 8 people in a strange manner
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a lot of you don’t see black people as people but as a concept and it shows.
describe the suffering of your people without comparing it to Black People challenge.
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apparently vaginas can bleach underwear bc of their acidity but that’s never happened to me so. i guess the pussy basic.
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eclipsed by the death of bald ann dowd.
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what if god was one of us but like one of those people who shows you a tiktok on their phone and watches your face the whole time to see if you laugh.
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there is a certain type of person on here that tweets about sex in a way that makes it clear that they do not have it and it’s so fascinating to me.
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every morning me or my bf feeds the dog and every morning this lying ass dog takes his bowl to the person who didn’t feed him that day and pretends he hasn’t eaten.
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panic! at the disco…and the grocery store and the laundromat and at a bar and at another bar and at a party and at home and at school and at work and at the doctor’s office and at the.
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@showmetheyamz Thank you! That, and we’re not far away from the event to actually make good, interesting, and nuanced content about it.
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i actually like when a tweet only gets 5 likes. i feel like i’m performing an intimate one-woman show in a black box theater.
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when people tell me about their dreams, and end it with “and then i woke up” i say “are you sure?” and then we just stare at each other.
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@JayElHarris that has to be it bc it just looks playful. two performers having fun and ultimately putting on a show for the crowd, keke included.
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