i can be your long lost pal
@PallaviGunalan
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어린이날
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Pinned Tweet
proud of this bit about panic attacks i riffed during a stand-up crowd work show. (i use the phrase “used to” VERY lightly)
for more stand-up check out my insta
and tiktok
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how tf did i take all those classes when i was in school?? now if i have one meeting and get groceries the same day i fall apart
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it's Christmas EVE, not Christmas ADAM
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my therapist told me i was a perfectionist and i told her that can’t be true because if i was i would be more successful and then we just kind of sat in silence for a minute and pondered what i had said
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men be like “i can’t commit” and then stay friends with the worst people their whole lives
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do what you love and you’ll never own property a day in your life
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fellas, is it gay to have sex with rihanna?
The emasculation of men continues...you can already tell who the man is in this relationship...that dude about to be a proud mother of 2😂😂😂
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my therapist looked me dead in the eyes and very seriously asked me "what if...you had self-worth" and i burst out laughing
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middle siblings have more de-escalation training than cops do
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wolves are so civilized they should change the phrase to “were you raised by the british??”
"GPS tracking on six wolf packs shows how much they avoid and respect each other's territory."
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putting your grandma in a home and rescuing a dog
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what do you think twitter is
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i asked my guy if he thought my ass was fat and he said “medium” i said i must be one because i'm talking to a dead man
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i’m dating a guy who actually likes me and i’ve never been more terrified in my life
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bro why does my doctor have a most improved certificate i’m about to die 😭
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r u a baggy sweatshirt tiny pants girl or r u a tiny top baggy pants girl?
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i feel insane that everyone (including me) is trying to further their careers while a virus that has unknown long term effects rages on wtf are we even doing
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ships will literally block the suez canal instead of going to therapy
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y’all had almost a year to look up the term “asymptomatic” and y’all are still just doing temp checks
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liking and unliking tweets because on second thought, i have no fucking clue what any of you are talking about
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i had a friend who put a frozen burrito in the microwave and when it didn’t heat up she threw the burrito away and tried heating up a different one
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so sorry! i’m usually not like this, i usually hide my depression slightly better
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people: good job
me: here are 3,405 reasons why i didn’t think it was a good job
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just woke up! time for me to ˢᵗᵃʸ ᶦⁿ ᵇᵉᵈ ᶠᵒʳ ᵃⁿᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵗʷᵒ ʰᵒᵘʳˢ ᶜᵒⁿᵗᵉᵐᵖˡᵃᵗᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒⁿˢᵉᵠᵘᵉⁿᶜᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ᵉˣᶦˢᵗᶦⁿᵍ ᵃⁿᵈ greet the day!!!
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one thing i’ve learned about communicating better is people hate it
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what it feels like when i’m on my period
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rediscovered the joy of reading for pleasure (bragging about it)
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put timothee chalamet in charge of distributing the vaccine he will make sure all of nyc gets it
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microdosing a relationship by getting into arguments with my male friends
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who will die first, you or grey's anatomy?
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mom describing how someone is related to us
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got dumped 3x (personally, professionally, and romantically) all within 3 weeks thank god i’m a woman or i might not manically learn 12 new skills after this
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do NOT, and i cannot stress this enough, wake me up before you go-go
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all my friends are getting covid and i’m starting to suspect they’re all hanging out without me
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nothing more infuriating than realizing firsthand people with healthy lifestyles are right
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me at the end of every relationship:
JUST FOUND OUT I'VE BEEN WATERING A FAKE PLANT FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.
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nothing i love more at the end of every night than crawling into my bed, exhausted, finally able to settle down and spend three more hours on my phone
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"we will adopt your child" is colonizer energy
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u think ur a bad bitch and then you fall asleep for 4 hours on a tuesday afternoon
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watched people who posted pro-israel propaganda stay quiet as fuck now that they murdered over 700 palestinian children, don’t act like we don’t see you
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it’s wild that cops were allowed into our elementary schools to teach us that drugs could kill you but not that they could
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i really want to move to new york but i don't want to fuck pete davidson what do i do 😔
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suck a man’s dick and he cums for a day. remove a man’s rib and he cums for a lifetime.
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the military is just study abroad for cops
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how do pornstars make porn without saying i love you each time??
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compliments insults
🤝
make me
feel bad
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men are like "i like you too much this is why i have to never see you again goodbye"
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sorry to the 30 people i promised i'd hang out with this week, i was having one good day and wasn't myself
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you’ll never guess what my mom just referred to as “those two buildings”
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i don’t believe in soulmates but i do believe there’s probably only one person in the whole world who could put up with my bullshit
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astonishingly aesthetic chicken you have to stop. your feather game too strong. your pattern too unique. they’ll kill you
Astonishingly aesthetic chicken, a silver sebright bantam. 10/10 do want.
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a white man killed a Black man in the NY subway by putting him in a chokehold for 15 minutes and he was released by police. he murdered someone in public and walked. this is horrific
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venmo me $3 and i’ll comment “brave” under 3 pics of your ex
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my biggest fear for having children of my own is they’ll grow up to do this
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biden is trying to overcome his student loan debt controversy ahead of the election by just killing the students
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i tried to go back 15 seconds on hbo and they kidnapped my parents
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white men get off on only two things: playing devil's advocate and charges
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i spent my whole comedy career not calling this bitch unfunny and for what
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if you’re not on the bird’s side you’re a cop
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white people will really slaughter your whole family and think they’re more civilized than you because they did it with their pinkies up
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this adulting shit is stupid can i go back to eating dirt and thinking i could be in the olympics
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if there’s a tv show set in america between the 1940s and the 1990s this dude’s gonna be in it
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joe rogan is 54 yrs old and started that podcast 12 years ago…when he was a 42 yr old man
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the whole concept of jury duty is wild actually. why is this person's whole life dependent on 12 strangers who were specifically selected because they don't know shit seems precarious idk idk
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somewhere kris jenner is trying to figure out how to get kim to marry into the monarchy
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one time at a show, during another comic’s set he asked a girl in the crowd why she was hiding her face and she said “i get really bad secondhand embarrassment,” i would have died onstage
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she’s making peers in entertainment be like “hey sorry for interacting with amy, i didn’t know SHE LOVES GENOCIDE” i’m crying
people keep saying “doesn’t she have friends” when amy schumer posts horrible shit and no one seems to stop her. she has friends, they’re just as bad as she is
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men: ever since she broke my heart i haven’t been able to let my defenses down for any woman in case i ever get hurt again...
me: bitch i got assaulted ON THE WAY HERE grow up
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
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excited to come out of the pandemic a new, far worse person than before
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we should get sleepy days like we get sick days
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me helping other people: oh of course! it's no problem AT ALL!
when other people help me: i cannot believe you would do this for me, a disgusting worm. i am SOBBING! i am forever in your debt! I will NEVER FORGET THIS KINDNESS!!!
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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parents will be like “don’t do drugs” and then make you want to do them
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breeding pets for our entertainment when millions are put down every year simply due to a lack of space is fucked and inhumane and people get really weird when you call them out on it
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i love the weekend, it's so fun and relaxing to desperately cram every errand of survival i can't fit into the rest of my life into the same 48 hours i'm supposed to spend with friends and family life is but a dream
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i have a whole contingent of men who have flirted with me, asked me out with no specific plans, took no initiative after getting a yes, and now just resort to immediately watching my instagram videos. someday i will seat them all together at my wedding reception
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i would do ANYTHING to be hot (except eat healthy)
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“your generation just doesn’t want to work as hard” good.
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i don’t care what you say pets can tell the disrespect when you pet them with your feet
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give your drivers health insurance
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cool nft bro they've run out of socks at the soup kitchen
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whoever discovered garlic was on their shit
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i love sex workers. i support sex workers. sex workers are human beings. sex workers deserve protection and respect.
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┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in this
┃╱╱╲╲ house
╱╱╭╮╲╲
▔▏┗┛▕▔
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
there's some whores
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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i work well under pressure because if i'm not under pressure i don't work
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when i get out of quarantine i’m sucking d*ck like a dementor
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me planning my day: oh shit oh fuck i only have 7 hours til my next thing
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if you’re upset about john mulaney’s personal life you’ll be horrified to hear about your own
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the sexual tension between me and houses on zillow i’ll never in my life afford
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comedians will be like “it’s our job to say things that make people uncomfortable” and then can’t even tell their racist friend to shut the fuck up
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ur not "pandemic dating" you're CDCing each other
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“did it hurt? when i hurt you?” - men, shocked, two years after you told them all the shit they did
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