ely kreimendahl
@ElyKreimendahl
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tv/film writer, comic, queer// đ˛ @whenshappyhour1 @betchesluvthis ///đ¤đ @gayshamecomedy- next up 3/21 @comedybrooklyn!
Joined February 2020
normalize therapists being just as messy as you â¤ď¸
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my therapist: youâre a good person . me: oh no Iâve tricked you too.
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âyouâre so funnyâ thanks i did not have sex in high school.
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my two year old just said âmommy why is life the same every day?â like damn existential queen! u tell me.
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what doesnât kill you makes you weird at intimacy.
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said âI love you so much that if someone chopped your head off Iâd carry it around forever in a bagâ.
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i donât care how old you are, summer break should be for everyone. no work, just popsicles and slip n slides.
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my mom is always like âwhen I was your age I had two difficult teenagers and a husband who was never home and worked full-time and was in night school and I NEVER complained!âand Iâm just like wow ok maybe you like.âŚ. should have?!?!?.
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girls will say âI did a thing :)â and itâs get a PhD in molecular biology.
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Iâm quitting comedy. nothing can ever top this
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u should be able to order a chocolate chip cookie medium rare.
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i asked my 4 year old if she had fun at her birthday party and she was like âno. I like alone time.â same girl.
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i learned SO much in college. like what depression is and that i had it.
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has anyone else not been to the dentist since Covid and also not for the five years before that.
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babe whatâs wrong? youâve hardly embodied my idealized version of you today.
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if screens bad why watching big screen while holding little screen feel so good.
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ten years before i knew I had ADHD i took adderall at a music festival. my friends were all jacked up and dancing but I was like âitâs suddenly manageable for me to sit calmly under this tree and reply to some text messagesâ.
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when I was a waitress there was a kindly old man with a cane who came in every day, sat at the bar, ate eggs and never said a word. until one day someone was rude to him and he unscrewed the top of his cane and pulled out a MOTHERFUCKING SWORD.
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my favorite time I ruined thanksgiving was when I said âIâm getting a tongue ringâ and my drunk uncle said âto eat someoneâs PUSSY?!?â and my mom burst into tears.
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said âI hate catsâ and I was like ohhh and she was like âshould we just end this now?â and I was like âugh. yeah probablyâ and then we hugged goodbye.
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omg I am SHOCKED that covid cases are rising after restrictions and masks have been removed like this is CRAZY who could ever have predicted it.
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âthis too shall passâ ok but could it pass a little more quickly.
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yeah I had a major in college. Major depression.
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my husband just called me cranky which is sad for him because Iâd already secretly decided we could have sex tonight and now instead Iâm gonna make him watch gossip girl.
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controversial, but being early to someoneâs house can be just as rude as being late.
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I once quit a job and when my boss asked why I simply said âI hate it here.â best day of my life.
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when the celebs made the imagine video weâd been inside for a WEEK.
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âcan you explain the gaps in your resume?â yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I donât want you to know about.
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my body is NOT a temple itâs a STORAGE UNIT for my REGRETS.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she canât find a good man and she hasnât let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house.
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Iâve been waiting for weeks for my Girl Scout cookies to arrive and just now realized I ORDERED THEM IN A DREAM. shaking crying throwing up etc.
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I told my psychiatrist I was having trouble sleeping and she suggested I put my phone on the other side of the room at bedtime and I was like âlol okâ but I tried it last night and SLEPT LIKE A GODDAMN BABY????????.
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me: Iâve always loved reading . my mom: yes when you were a child we had to ground you from books because being sent to your room just made you happy . me: ???????????????????!!!!!!!!?????.
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Iâve been with my husband for almost eight years and TODAY I found out at 14 he had a pet duck named Oliver Twisted who cried all night unless he cuddled her in bed until she fell asleep but then one night they cuddled a little too close and my husband woke up and SHE WAS DEAD.
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i played Juliet in high school and the morning after opening night, I came late to 2nd period and my teacher was like âooh are you too big a star now to show up on time for American History?â and I got to be like âmy grandma died this morningâ.
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if youâre a regular at a restaurant just know the staff has an insane secret nickname for you.
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote âdate?â and I didnât see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh Iâm still upset about it.
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trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and heâll STILL be like âwait whoâs sarahâ.
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u think Iâm annoying now? I did the morning announcements in high school.
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today my daughterâs preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because âtheyâre codependent and fall apart without each other.â like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties.
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therapy isnât about being âfixed.â itâs about being your therapistâs favorite patient.
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therapist: why did you do that . me: ummm i donât know babe u tell me.
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was SO sad that I finished all 6 seasons of my bedtime comfort show until I realized I can simply watch it again from the beginning. follow me for more cutting edge brilliance.
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âI will adopt your babyâ ok but nobody wants you to.
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heâs a 5 but thinks heâs a 10. sheâs a 10 but thinks sheâs a 5. and now theyâre married.
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memory is so weird like why am I nostalgic for that apartment where I was so depressed I never got out of bed.
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everyone in a friend group has their own little role, and iâm proud to be the one who always thinks everyone should quit their job.
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âsorry I responded to this in my headâ is a real thing and we should say it.
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itâs always âfree britneyâ and never âabolish psychiatric conservatorshipsâ.
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i used to be young and cool and now when it rains i say things like âthis is good. we needed thisâ.
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happy pride to 18 year old me, who wrote a âtime capsuleâ letter to her 28 year old self that said âI hope youâre a famous actress w a super hot husband, but if it weirdly turns out that youâre gay, thatâs okay too. Like I donât THINK youâre gay, but just sayingâŚ.â.
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my partnerâs been out of town for 6 days while Iâm home w 2 kids and weâre officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like âyeah girl grab me another one tooâ.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked.
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ladies, donât forget to take âjustâ out of your emails. It undermines your power! but thatâs just my opinion feel free to ignore :).
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relationships take work. being single also takes work. which is why none of us should have to have a job.
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me, *flirting*: would you rather be burned alive or eaten by a shark.
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hi friends- for the new year Iâm taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly.
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once again I have an appointment at 1:30 so I have no choice but to spend all morning doing nothing.
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i am so happy gen z is in the workforce because when entitled boomers yell at them like âdo you KNOW who I AM?â i like to imagine theyâre like âlol no why would iâ.
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would love to be a healthy well-rested person but unfortunately I am committed to staying up extremely late and complaining about being tired.
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canât believe I have one wild & precious life and Iâm spending it terrified to answer an email.
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why are you as an adult still being mean to people.
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told my daughter she was beautiful and she said âIâm not beautiful Iâm ANGRYâ and you know what? super into it, riot grrrl vibes, happy motherâs day to me đĽ°.
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this debate has EVERYTHING: dog eating, baby killing, transgender operations on illegal aliens in prisons
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once when I was waitressing I had a co-worker who was SO unfazed by rude customers and I was like âhow do you do it?!â and she was like âoh, I have a trustfund- I just do this to make friendsâ and I think about her every day.
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the chokehold âgive him his glasses! He canât see without his GLASSES!â had on children of my generation.
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a hidden challenge of parenting is how easy it can be to momentarily forget youâre talking to a child. today my 5 year old was like âIâm so hot should we just eat more popsicles?â and I was two seconds away from being like âYES BITCHâ.
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might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry.
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canât believe we are given this one wild & precious life and Iâm spending it yearning to get back in bed.
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weâre in such toxic relationships with our bodies, they work so hard to keep us alive and weâre constantly like ugh youâre disgusting.
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hi friends- for the new year Iâm taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly.
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ânobody wants to work anymoreâ correct. work blows.
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paw patrol is FOR SURE copaganda but how do I tell my daughter that without ruining her life.
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actually my biggest fear about the apocalypse is probably just losing my glasses.
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parents will be like âomg remember that time something traumatic happened in your childhood and you responded like a CRAZY PERSON?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAâ.
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adhd is so stupid. like why have I been holding my pee for 45 minutes.
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something they donât warn you about parenting is you will watch Frozen 8,000 times and want to die and then one day when your kid is asleep you wonât know what to watch and suddenly a tiny part of you will be like hmm you know what would really hit the spot? FROZEN.
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but theyâll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home.
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change my password??? but thatâs my emotional support same password Iâve used for everything since i was 15.
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I once dated a guy who instead of just breaking up with me was like âletâs not talk for 6 weeks and see if we miss each otherâ and I liked him so much I was like âok sure.â 6 weeks passed and I was like âI missed u!â and he said âyeah I didnât. Break up still on, be well :)â.
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âheâll yesâ is an insane thing for my iPhone to keep thinking I wanna say.
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if youâre in line to get tested, no need to stay in line. youâre positive now, like from the line. go home.
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at 18 I got drunk at a Super Bowl party & bet my friend 5 min of boobs if he beat me at Uno. I lost, he drove me home & we sat in my driveway him touching my boobs until a 5 min timer beeped. then I sat next to him in English the rest of the year & we never spoke of it again lol.
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whatâs the worst way you ever got dumped?.
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itâs so important every child learn how to play an instrument, so when theyâre adults they have an easy way to seduce their crushes.
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being a millennial mom is WILD bc I just realized that I apologized more times to my kid THIS MORNING than my parents apologized to me my ENTIRE LIFE. thatâs two times btw.
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parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when youâre sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat.
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i didnât have a therapist in high school but I did have a 25 year old theater teacher who would let me cry and eat lunch in her office and I think about her every day đ.
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I once thought I was in a relationship with this girl so I asked her if sheâd mind bringing guacamole to a party I was throwing, and she was like âoh, I think youâre confusedâŚ.weâre not at please bring guacamole level.â.
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dropped my toddler off at daycare and she said âhave a fun day, without me!â and I canât tell if she has amazing boundaries or is a passive aggressive queen.
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i once broke up with someone because they invited me for pasta and it was zucchini âzoodlesâ.
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âyouâre so passive aggressiveâ omg Iâm sorry. i meant to be aggressive aggressive.
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told my 4 year old i tell jokes about her onstage and she said âdo you tell them how giant my poops are?â and I was like noâŚâŚâŚbut now I will.
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covid ending things calming down . at work . đ¤. not gonna happen.
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be myself? the person who got me into this mess????.
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what if elon buys twitter and then rips off his face to reveal he is mark zuckerberg in disguise.
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adhd is RIDICULOUS, like why am I holding my pee because âpeeing is boringâ.
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i know so many straight people who NEVER talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people who are like âthis is my ex-girlfriend and we share custody of our dog Skippy and sheâs the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar togetherâ.
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someone once broke up with me because they âhad a big crush on this random person at a partyâ and it made them realize they werenât that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it.
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well well well if it isnât me writing all the things from last weekâs to-do list on this weekâs to-do list.
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