Is the Kool-Aid Man still around or was he finally arrested for all the property damage?

Social media needs to crash for a year so everybody can snap back into reality.

things were better when the computer lived in its own specific room and you only went in there sometimes

ticketmaster will literally log you out an hour before your concert, delete your password, lock your account, shoot your dog, and then make you go to your mom’s email address that doesnt exist anymore to get your ticket

I now understand why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour

Got a new sponge today and was really excited because it was so scrubby and god being an adult is depressing

The song of the summer is the "Nothing is everything" jingle from the Skyrizi Crohn’s disease pharmaceutical commercial

Remember when the schtick of streaming services was that you didn’t get commercials? What a bait and switch that was.

I see a lot of people out walking or working out in a weighted vest. Is the weight of the world not enough for you?

[guy naming weeds] this one looks like a lion, but dandier

i lied there’s no sex but there is a spider situation i need you to take care of

https://t.co/qwIuo4Zgu5

It was weird going to college before smartphones. One time while out at a bar none of us could remember the name of Fleetwood Mac’s drummer so I called my dad at 2am.

doing stuff after work and not just on the weekends is how you can feel life is worth living.

“American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore

DMV: Did you bring your fourth grade report card?

Name a bigger lie. I'll wait.

My wife just walked up to me and gave me an unexpected impassioned, full body kiss, then stared me straight in the eye - a deep soul to soul stare - and said, "I just hit a possum with the lawnmower."

Officially sick of everything there is to eat for dinner. There are no more dinners left.

One year you stopped having piñatas at your birthday parties which is crazy because as an adult it seems far more necessary to pummel something at least once a year