Katie D
@KatieDeal99
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Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTav
Joined November 2020
Guys I tried not buying the little treat and saving money and it was not worth it.
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I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”.
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McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”.
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My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw.
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My daughter wanted to go to the park and I really didn’t feel like it so she said “you could bring your new book and sit in the sun” and now we’re at the park.
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I realized that my dear sweet daughter thought having your period is a *choice* and now she’s crying because I informed her it is not.
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I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little.
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My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned.
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Christmas shopping is so hard when your personality is like you know who would love this?? Me.
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”.
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Took my daughter to Disney land and after spending an exhausting day doing rides and gift shops we asked her what her favorite part was and she said “the bus was pretty cool”. The bus ride. To get into the park. That was her favorite.
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Someone asked my daughter if she had a hobby and her answer was “just sitting”.
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We should have more holidays that involve day-drinking and blowing things up.
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Every year on my birthday my daughter asks how old I am and then cries and tells me she doesn’t want me to die so that’s a fun tradition.
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Finding a person to make eye contact with during stupid meetings is essential to survival in the workplace.
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I love being a cat owner. They’re such easy pets to- STOP ATTACKING THE CURTAINS! QUIT EATING THE PLASTIC BAG YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME- but like I was saying very low maintenance pets.
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We were on our way to our family Christmas party and my daughter turned to me and said “if I were a dog my tail would be wagging like crazy right now”.
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Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster.
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*overheard at a 4 yr old soccer game*. Coach: the ball is more afraid of you than you are of it!. Little girls screaming: NO IT ISNT.
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One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am.
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Me to me after one tiny mistake: you useless idiot. Me to my cat who committed 100 crimes in the past hour: my furry little angel, you are perfection my toe bean queen.
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My dad already put a box of garbage bags next to his favorite chair so he’s ready for Christmas morning so he’s reached peak holiday dad.
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Good news: I finally figured out what I want for dinner. Bad news: it’s midnight now.
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When I say you have my full attention you really have like 64% at most.
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Shout-out to all the introverts who turn their social anxiety off when they are forced to enter *work mode*.
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My daughter very gently told me that she would like to be in charge of Christmas decorations this year instead of me because she’d like our house to look better.
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No one warned me about the secret boss level of parenting in which you have to parent your own parents.
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I’m a go-with-the-flow person as long as the flow has been planned at least 3 days in advance.
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My daughter had a sleepover and was worried I was going to be lonely without her so she gave me a stuffed animal she cuddled with last night because it “still has love on it”.
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That irresistible urge to say something awkward after someone compliments you.
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Much like a houseplant, I can be given perfect conditions and still refuse to thrive.
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When I adopted a cat I didn’t realize I was paying for a live-in bully.
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My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”.
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When did we all decide that women don’t want the second half of the shirt anymore? Did I miss that meeting??.
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Sometimes when I fall asleep on my couch my cat will move the curtains and sun falls directly in my face waking me up and I can’t prove it but I know she does it on purpose.
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My daughter spent an hour watching kitchen restock videos and now she’s scrubbing and reorganizing our refrigerator so sometimes screen time isn’t the worst thing.
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How dare someone steal my official parking spot that no one knew was mine except me.
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My daughter told me I’m too old to enter her fort so for the next hour I will be constructing the world’s best blanket fort and only those 30 and above are welcome.
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“I can bench 250” ok well I can nap for 2 hours and still be tired.
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Me: sleepy time. My dream: let’s see if you can escape this impossible and terrifying situation, and as a special treat you can’t run or scream.
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*daughter writes note* your the worst mom ever. Me: it’s *you’re*.
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The crying stops when you leave the work bathroom. It’s called professionalism.
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What no one tells you about teaching is that you will have an arch nemesis and it will be a 9 year old.
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A kid pulled the fire alarm today at my school and one of the teachers said “well, sometimes the intrusive thoughts win”.
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My daughter complained to her grandparents that I never make her clam chowder so when she left their house today she was the new owner of three giant tupperwares full of homemade clam chowder and a smug smile.
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months.
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There’s a man at the playground with such an impressive dad voice that when he yelled “PUT IT DOWN” I automatically dropped my book.
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Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this . Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???.
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I thought challenges for adults would be things like your career or marriage but it’s also wearing real pants and not crying.
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I’m not addicted to caffeine I just have to have it every day or I get a headache.
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I don’t know why parents look surprised when they see alcohol in my cart at the store. Your child is in my class, you know what I’m dealing with here.
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I can tell how rich you are by how hard it is to find your kitchen garbage.
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I’m tired of complaining about being hot, I’m ready to complain about being cold.
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Someone once told me I was boring because I stay home all the time and I wonder if they know that’s where my alcohol and tv are.
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I’m personally offended by how far I have to scroll to get to my year of birth now.
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Someone in my neighborhood handed out whistles to the trick-or-treaters and that is just diabolical.
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My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash.
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Me: time to be better with my finances . Them: you could stop buying things . Me: not like that.
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When you’re exhausted but stay awake anyway so you don’t miss out on quality alone time.
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Never ask an introvert to share a fun fact about themselves, it’s very offensive in their culture.
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One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party.
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Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together.
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I have never once in my whole life paid attention to when a recipe calls for salted or unsalted butter.
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When did grocery shopping become something fun to do on a weekend, what have I become.
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No one told me that I’d be entering the “grumpy old man” phase of my life in my thirties.
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Budgeting is so hard when your love language is little treats.
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My teacher education program didn’t prepare me for being bullied by 10 year olds for having a knock-off Stanley tumbler.
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I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose.
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My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”.
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I’ve been cooking for over 20 years and I still can’t make the right amount of pasta.
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Has your extrovert friend forced you to interact with total strangers?? If so, you may be entitled to compensation.
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If my cat only knew how hard I work to provide her treats and a nice home she would definitely still not care.
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Me: has a weighted blanket, allergy medicine, glasses and caffeine addiction. Me to my cat: you’re so spoiled, you wouldn’t survive in the wild.
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I have yet to find a combination involving cheese and carbs that isn’t incredible.
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Being a cat must be hard because you have sharp pointy teeth and claws but can also be picked up and carried like a baby.
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Told my daughter to be cool while we smuggled snacks into the movie theater and she started crying because “the police officers will get us”. She’s not cut out for a life of crime.
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I’ve never been in prison but I have had meetings go past their scheduled time so I’m familiar.
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“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day.
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My daughter was really excited to surprise her cousin with a sleepover at the end of their playdate, so after an elaborate plan, written script, and forced rehearsals so no one forgot their lines, she told her within 10 seconds of getting in the car.
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?.
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Any time I have ever uttered the phrase “no worries” I have been lying. There are many worries.
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Live your life in a way that makes your relatives nervous to ask what you’ve been up to.
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I didn’t realize how much of my adult life would be spent getting excited over sleep things. Got to take a nap? Excited. Got more than 5 hours? Excited. Only woke up once to pee? Excited.
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As an introvert I should be entitled to worker’s comp when forced to do team building activities.
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My daughter and I were talking about personal safety and she said “well you don’t have to worry about being kidnapped anymore, no one wants a 36 year old”.
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I need my fight-or-flight response to learn that we panic and run when being attacked, not when making a doctor’s appointment.
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My hidden talent is turning small issues into big issues through the power of *anxiety*.
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents.
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