Katie D
@KatieDeal99
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Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99
Joined November 2020
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Pinned Tweet
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
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McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”
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I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little
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My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
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Christmas shopping is so hard when your personality is like you know who would love this?? Me
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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I love being a cat owner. They’re such easy pets to- STOP ATTACKING THE CURTAINS! QUIT EATING THE PLASTIC BAG YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME- but like I was saying very low maintenance pets
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We were on our way to our family Christmas party and my daughter turned to me and said “if I were a dog my tail would be wagging like crazy right now”
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am
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Me to me after one tiny mistake: you useless idiot
Me to my cat who committed 100 crimes in the past hour: my furry little angel, you are perfection my toe bean queen
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My dad already put a box of garbage bags next to his favorite chair so he’s ready for Christmas morning so he’s reached peak holiday dad
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When I say you have my full attention you really have like 64% at most
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Shout-out to all the introverts who turn their social anxiety off when they are forced to enter *work mode*
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My daughter very gently told me that she would like to be in charge of Christmas decorations this year instead of me because she’d like our house to look better
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No one warned me about the secret boss level of parenting in which you have to parent your own parents
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That irresistible urge to say something awkward after someone compliments you
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Much like a houseplant, I can be given perfect conditions and still refuse to thrive
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My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”
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When did we all decide that women don’t want the second half of the shirt anymore? Did I miss that meeting??
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Sometimes when I fall asleep on my couch my cat will move the curtains and sun falls directly in my face waking me up and I can’t prove it but I know she does it on purpose
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*daughter writes note* your the worst mom ever
Me: it’s *you’re*
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Me: sleepy time
My dream: let’s see if you can escape this impossible and terrifying situation, and as a special treat you can’t run or scream
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What no one tells you about teaching is that you will have an arch nemesis and it will be a 9 year old
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A kid pulled the fire alarm today at my school and one of the teachers said “well, sometimes the intrusive thoughts win”
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My daughter complained to her grandparents that I never make her clam chowder so when she left their house today she was the new owner of three giant tupperwares full of homemade clam chowder and a smug smile
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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I thought challenges for adults would be things like your career or marriage but it’s also wearing real pants and not crying
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I’m not addicted to caffeine I just have to have it every day or I get a headache
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I don’t know why parents look surprised when they see alcohol in my cart at the store. Your child is in my class, you know what I’m dealing with here
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I can tell how rich you are by how hard it is to find your kitchen garbage
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I’m personally offended by how far I have to scroll to get to my year of birth now
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When did grocery shopping become something fun to do on a weekend, what have I become
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No one told me that I’d be entering the “grumpy old man” phase of my life in my thirties
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Budgeting is so hard when your love language is little treats
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My teacher education program didn’t prepare me for being bullied by 10 year olds for having a knock-off Stanley tumbler
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I’ve been cooking for over 20 years and I still can’t make the right amount of pasta
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Me: has a weighted blanket, allergy medicine, glasses and caffeine addiction
Me to my cat: you’re so spoiled, you wouldn’t survive in the wild
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Told my daughter to be cool while we smuggled snacks into the movie theater and she started crying because “the police officers will get us”. She’s not cut out for a life of crime.
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I’ve never been in prison but I have had meetings go past their scheduled time so I’m familiar
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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I didn’t realize how much of my adult life would be spent getting excited over sleep things. Got to take a nap? Excited. Got more than 5 hours? Excited. Only woke up once to pee? Excited.
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As an introvert I should be entitled to worker’s comp when forced to do team building activities
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I need my fight-or-flight response to learn that we panic and run when being attacked, not when making a doctor’s appointment
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Time for a girls night out! And by out I mean in my house, and by night I mean not past my bedtime, and by girls I mean me and my cat
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Them: what could go wrong?
Me, who has overthought and imagined 56 different horrible scenarios: it’s my time to shine
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I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink and have music at a normal volume and there are no people and it’s my house.
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My daughter brought a giant stack of plates and cups out of her room, saw that I was annoyed, and said “should we just throw these away?”
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If you have a salad for lunch you can eat whatever you want for dinner. The lettuce cancels it out.
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Taking breaks from exercise, or rest days, is very important to a fitness regimen. I’m on rest day 532 and I feel great.
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Veggies are great and all but I’ve never found a bug in my Oreo cookie
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I meant to be productive but I got trapped under this blanket and some wine accidentally spilled in my glass and this book just fell open in my lap
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If you finish a task early at work you should get to do silent reading time like we used to do in school
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*at my first wine tasting* ahh yes I’m definitely getting notes of wine
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If you had asked me 20 years ago what fictional character I would relate most to as an adult I would never have guessed it’d be the grinch
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There is no law against starting a new book before finishing your current read but it still feels illegal
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The older you get the more deeply you care about the layout of grocery stores
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What people think teachers are doing: telling kids what to think
What teachers are actually doing: asking kids not to lick each other
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“Do you think in heaven you can pee anywhere you want?” My daughter, asking the big questions
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I like to keep a corner of my classroom as a safe place for crying or tantrums. Now I just have to make a spot for the kids too
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What the studies say: one lazy day per week improves your health
What I hear: I’m gonna live forever
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Don’t let a recipe tell you how much cheese to add, just listen to your heart
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At this point I’d rather have ghosts in my house than things that need repaired
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Daughter: 🎶my mom is so pretty, she’s the best mom🎶
Me: best song I’ve ever heard, keep going!
Daughter: 🎶and she’s getting older and won’t be here soon🎶
Me: …….
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My daughter was absolutely filled with rage today when she learned that lb meant “pounds” and not “long bits”
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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If you leave the house looking awful and think it’s fine because you won’t see anyone, I am here to tell you that you are WRONG
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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I saw a 50 year old woman singing and dancing to Alanis Morisette in the grocery store while purchasing margarita mix at 9 in the morning and I have a new life goal
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When I was little my grandpa told me about the special “hill cows” that have two legs longer than the others (for balance obviously) and I believed that man FAR longer than I should have
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Being a people pleaser and an introvert is so hard because I want people to like me but I also don’t want to talk to them
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A dating app but for finding people that just finished the same book so you can talk about it
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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Crazy that there are people out there without anxiety just making decisions without imagining every possible worst-case scenario first
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Fighting my fellow introverts for the corner seats in the bar
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I’m the oldest sibling, or as I like to call it, the rough draft child
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When people tell me something is “too pretty to eat” I know we lead very different lives
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The more I hear murder victims on shows described as “popular, out-going, and loving life” the safer I feel
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I want a place where I can just sit in the corner and drink and listen to music and no one talks to me and wait that’s just my house
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Found out that for my daughter’s seven years on this planet she thought we celebrate this guy on St. Patrick’s Day
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Forget a hot girl summer I want a Winnie the Pooh summer with no pants a cute little shirt and a chubby belly
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One tiny inconvenience away from eating my body weight in nachos
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The day of the Super Bowl and there is not a block of cream cheese in sight at the grocery store
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Just my luck that I wasn’t a parent in the 90s when you could let kids roam free and survive off hose water
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I want to date but without having to talk to strangers or leave my house
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