Francis
@franciscellis
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181,735
Following
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Media
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Statuses
7,765
Highway Vigilante @barstoolsports
New York, NY
Joined October 2014
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Sitting courtside at Celtics game. I told RJ Barrett I bet his over rebounds and need him to go to work. He said how many do you need, and I said 5. He said I got you.
That was 2 quarters ago. He has 1 rebound.
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My girlfriend couldn’t believe that I’m playing golf today. She said, “you choose your golf course over me a lot, and your golf course doesn’t give you blowjobs.”
“True,” I said. “But it lets me play the back holes any time I want.”
We laughed. It was a good moment.
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My girlfriend and I are playing board games with another couple. For teams, I suggested we swap girlfriends. I said “this is like swinging, except we won’t regret it tomorrow.”
No one laughed. They hated it. It’s not fun now.
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A big thank you to
@stoolpresidente
@erika_
for giving me a shot at redemption. And to
@rone
@lilsasquatch66
@EddieBarstool
and everyone else who kept my name warm. My tools are sharp. I am a wolf. I will make love to Frankie Borrelli.
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I’m in dry January and had a salad for dinner and still woke up with diarrhea I mean what the fuck is the point
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Here we have Baby Gronk’s dad feeding him answers on the Bring the Juice pod. Hey kid, blink twice if you’re tired of being dad’s clout bait
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If you meet a girl at a bar and she says “bet I can drink more than you,” she’s probably wrong.
But if she says “I bet you $200 I can chug 16 ounces of room temperature Natural Light faster than you” and she has two friends filming behind her? She’s right
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Once again had to put my cape on. It’s always a Kia. What the hell is wrong with Kia owners. Kia: the official car of being an asshole.
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So proud of my pals. Congrats to
@BarstoolBigCat
@KFCBarstool
@stoolsalesguy
@FeitsBarstool
and others— let’s go shopping!
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Just did a standup set and
@lilsasquatch66
went after me. Then these girls asked me for a picture.
Of them. With him.
I am dead inside.
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An IG group chat of white dudes got mad and added me to their group to scold me. So I changed the group chat name to Francis’ Cum Guzzlers and made the pic my headshot. Here’s to AJ, CJ, Hayden, Trevor, and Beau for making it about race! Allies!
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I met Spike Lee at a Rangers game once. I told him I took a class on his films in college. He asked where (thank God) & I said Harvard. He askd if I knew Jeremy Lin. I said we took a science core together. Then he asked if Lin was really a virgin. I said I dunno & he said "damn."
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I have an announcement:
I just watched “Meme” on Netflix. I no longer want to go viral. That movie terrified me.
Having said that, if this goes viral, that’d be sick
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All hail Massachusetts PD. Absolutely heroic work here. May their example shine bright and true and catch hold in other metropolitan areas around the nation.
Massachusetts State Police is pulling over vehicles tonight who merge last second to cut rush-hour traffic on Storrow Drive.
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I’m at La Guardia airport and Tim Tebow is going through security with me. I just watched him stack and consolidate the empty bins for 5 minutes, even though he already had his items. It was EXACTLY what I hoped he would do.
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A guy at my gym just asked me out for a drink. I politely declined, saying that I was straight. He goes “I don’t believe you,” and then walked away.
And now I have no idea what I want.
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Absolutely overjoyed. They say not to post your card due to personal info but I’m too happy to care. Later COVID!!
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Call me a good friend but I refuse to like the posts of my friends’ ex-girlfriends. It’s called loyalty. I still zoom when they’re in bathing suits but I keep that to myself.
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The discrepancy between how much sex I thought we would have and how much we’re actually having reminds me of a Christmas where I told my grandma I wanted a lego millennium falcon and she died instead
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Every time I take a cab to the airport, I ask the driver where he's from. He'll say some faraway country. I'll name the capital, thinking it will impress him. It doesn't, and then we ride in silence.
I really overestimated the value of memorizing capitals as a child
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I’m at my gf’s fancy work party. They were handing out hors d’oeuvres and I grabbed a fish taco. I didn’t see the lime, ate it whole, spent 5 minutes trying to chew through the rind. Everyone saw it. You ever eat a whole lime? Jesus Christ
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Sundaaaaaay. Unemployed day. Makes no difference, Monday off day, Tuesday off day, Wednesday off day...
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Here’s a video of a dude stealing my Citibike yesterday. Never seen anything so casual. I’m getting a $1200 charge from Citibike and I’m not even mad, just impressed. If anyone recognizes this guy, please put me in touch with him so he can teach me how to live a happier life.
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Today is a new day. I’m going on a bike ride to a waterfall. Life is good. Let’s ride.
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Life after Barstool...
Jenna Marbles: a million billion YouTube views
Pat McAfee: ESPN football announcing job
Francis Ellis: lost 14 pounds eating overnight oats he made during the day, aka nocturnal oats
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This kid just drove off the road in front of me. I pulled over to see if he was ok and he goes "HOLY SHIT, FRANCIS FROM BARSTOOL?" I was like hey man, you ok? He was like "who cares! What's Pres like in real life?" Probably the most hardcore stoolie I've ever met.
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I don’t normally tear up at wedding videos, but this one got to me
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“I mean the thing was that when Hank said ‘good luck’ I thought that was the green light to play poker but whatever I’m thinking of doing some standup myself I mean if Brandon Walker can do it hell how hard can it be one time my mom found my Playboys there’s something there I
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It’s Bagel Monday at my old workplace. I’m here to clean out my desk, and they forgot to cancel the bagel order.
40+ breakfast sandwiches for me. Things are looking up.
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This is how we initiate my sister’s boyfriends. Couple failed swings but I think he’s part of the family.
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Only person here is
@allbusinesspete
He came over to say hi and wish me well in my future endeavors.
Just kidding. He came to take my key card and make sure I didn’t take the laptop.
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I’m eating dinner 10 feet from the sign for my show. A dude just walked by, saw the sign, and went... “are you fucking kidding me? This dude SUCKS.”
Hot start!
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I love when my therapist goes on vacation. It’s a nice few weeks for me to summon the demons and undo all the work she’s done. Hope the beach was nice! Thanks to your selfishness, I’m a threat to society again!
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Never felt more alive.
No one is more excited about me owning Barstool than Francis
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If you don’t have a video of Dave firing you, you’re not doing it right. Will miss you
@BarstoolMintzy
Emergency Press Conference - Ben Mintz Has Left the Building
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These guys just tagged me instead of the Pope. My DMs are wild and I’m responding to all of them. Doing the Lord’s work today.
While
@franciscellis
has used strong language in condemning the
#UkraineWar
and referred to a “potentate” as responsible for the conflict, he has so far avoided calling out
#Putin
by name or Russia as the aggressor.
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I was at a bar last night and the manager knew who I was. They had a bucket of $1 Jell-O shots, and he brought me 6 on the house.
Sometimes you have to stop to take stock of how well you’re doing. Three years ago, I’d be out $6 for those shots. Now, they’re a perk.
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Just ran into a group of old coworkers at Whole Foods. Saw them coming and grabbed a bottle of 12-year aged balsamic to make them think I’m doing just fine. Then I told them I have 7 job offers already. Then they left and I shoplifted the balsamic in my compression shorts.
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A waitress just dropped an entire tray of glasses and they shattered everywhere. She stood frozen for a second, then started sobbing. An older guy said, “are you alright?” And she screamed, “fuck you!” and ran out.
Best French toast I’ve ever had.
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The blog I didn't write today because of personal growth:
"Brooklyn Nets' Wives Whom Ime Udoka Will Bang First"
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I follow a few people on Instagram who actually went to Fyre festival. Each one of them has posted photos from it this week, with long captions saying “I learned so much” and it “changed who I am.”
Hey dipshits? We’re never going to feel bad for you
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My cleaning lady just texted me to say she can’t take it anymore and she’s moving back to Poland in search of a better life.
Poland.
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I ordered my gf a bracelet from a company called Ring Concierge. They said orders were backed up 8-10 weeks because of COVID, and her birthday is in September.
It arrived in 4 days. She saw the package. She was thrilled about the “totally random” gift.
Gonna be a sad birthday
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Being forced to share an Uber with the person who threw out an entire hour of podcasting because it would “make our audience upset”
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I love how doctors always knock before coming in to your exam room to see you. As though I decided to jerk off between getting my vitals tested and being told I drink too much.
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I’ve learned that at my age, if people want to pregame, it just means they’re really into cocaine or they’re super broke
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And you thought the “I Voted” sticker people couldn’t get any worse…
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Ran into an old flame
@FrankieBorrelli
at the market. He gave me a hug. I was ashamed of the frozen pizza at the top of my basket. Here’s a picture of him from behind, which is how I knew him best. I need a new market.
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Watching
@barstoolwsd
tell this lovely etiquette coach to her face that her means of making a living is "fucked up, no disrespect to your profession" was a singular, joyous moment of my year
Full video later today.
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If my wife lost all her hair and some comedian called her GI Jane, it would probably be me
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The last one ever. Thank God. I almost pass out every time I do these. Enjoy tonight. And dear God, anyone but Bran...
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The guy across the aisle from me on the flight to Vegas did not bring luggage. None. He said he wanted to “force myself to win, so I can buy things I need.”
Bold strategy. I wish him well.
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This is how close I came today to a hole-in-one. Instead, the ball slammed into the pin and bounced thirty feet away. I then 3-putted for a bogie that ruined my weekend and my life is just one long weekend now
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In September, my friends and I were on a golf trip in Nova Scotia
@cabotlinks
We heard about a wedding in town. Didn’t know where. Drove until we saw cars parked outside a tent and crashed it with only a case of Smirnoff to offer.
Today, 7 months later, I got this in the mail:
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I’ll have kids someday, and the first thing I’ll tell them is that their birth was the second best day of my life. Just don’t see anything topping last night. Thank you Boston.
Here is my encore, where I came out and did my GOT song with 800 Bostonians singing along.
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This one was fun. Tough to out-stupid someone this stupid, but I think I managed.
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Two very different opinions on my move of sneaking food out of the Delta lounge. Sorry Dakota, John and I disagree.
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Might be the most perfect 11-second soccer highlight of all time
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My dad’s new Tesla starts with a key card. I made sure to put it in a separate pocket from my cell phone. Then I realized it’s a Tesla, not a Holiday Inn Express.
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Ohio loses a great English teacher; we gain a great blogger. Welcome aboard
@BarstoolTate
*the simple past of “ring” is “rang,” not “rung.” I’d have caught it before publication but it’s Friday. Microbrews on me when you’re in town.
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Dad is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Southern Maine today for his contributions to education in Maine.
I sent him a picture of my Harvard degree and said “mine’s real.”
He replied with a picture of the tuition bill and said “you’re welcome motherfucker.”
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Last week I was the guest on the Mean Girl Podcast and apparently I was so bad that they’ve decided to throw the episode away
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Today, a 4-year-old taught me how to hunt in South Dakota. The United States of Kids is my favorite series I’ve ever worked on. Coming soon.
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Last night we sat courtside at the Celtics game. I don’t understand why people don’t sit courtside. It’s a much better experience. You can smell the sweat. So many people at the game had regular seats. I felt bad for them.
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Some failing magazine asked me to send in a resumé for a writing position. I haven’t touched it in a decade, but the farther you are from college, the more you can lie! Good luck turning me down with my 4.6 weighted GPA in biomechanical Arabic engineering! I’m so overqualified
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The ANUS guys came over for a barbecue.
@nickturani
walked in and handed me a loaf of Wonderbread. I asked him why, and he said it’s the only thing that goes with everything 🤷♂️
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I’ve been eating at restaurant by myself for 20 minutes. Just spotted an elderly woman also eating by herself. In a fit of idealism, I asked if I could join her for company. She said no.
Nothing like getting rejected by someone who could die any minute but would rather die alone
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If you thought for 1 second I wasn’t going to find a way to mention I went to Harvard on my first Fox News appearance… you’re a moron
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As a boy, I wanted to be a fireman.
I grew up to be a fired man.
It’s not as close as it sounds.
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Here I am, on a podcast that will be released tomorrow hopefully. I guess we can’t know for sure these days.
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Is there some way to acquire maybe $20,000 more quickly than, say, working for it? I don’t really have time to go the long way right now
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**
@BarstoolBigCat
and
@stoolpresidente
talking over my shoulder about who to add for the rundown **
BC: How 'bout Francis? He's been solid the past couple rundowns.
(Dave scans the entire content floor)
Dave: let me see who's on the second floor.
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From
@nickysmokess
I keep thinking he has to be fucking with me. But then again, I’ve learned to stop assuming… anything
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I told my four-year-old niece that she should share her toys with her friends. She looked up at me and said "just like how NATO is supplying Ukrainian resistant with arms and medical supplies?" I was blown away.
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I got the tape. Midnight tonight, I’m a Mean Girl.
The Lost Episode. Dropping on the
@OopsThePodcast
YouTube channel. Subscribe to get it:
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I’m 29. My favorite hobby is asking all my friends with girlfriends if they’re getting engaged. But I do it when the girlfriend is present because I’m either planting the seed and can later take credit for it, OR... they already argue about it and sparks are about to fly
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Rico's time away from the company makes my time away from the company look like the Precambrian Supereon, which lasted almost 4.2 billion years from the formation of the planet to around 252 million years ago.
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How's Maine, you ask? Yesterday it snowed 6 inches. Today it's been constant freezing rain. The roads are covered in black ice and it's dark at noon. My dad and I have been playing Rock Paper Scissors for an hour. It feels like the end of time itself. Super cozy!
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My girlfriend and I split a lottery ticket and joked about how cute it would be if we won and split the money.
I then had a panic attack and bought $100 of my own tickets, to increase the chances that she won’t get a fucking dime
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What In The Fuck Is Going On
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Today at the dog park a lady said our dog looked skinny. I said they’re a lanky breed, and she said there’s a fine line between lanky and skinny. Then she asked what I feed her. I said the chicken and rice kind. She said be specific but I walked off and said “nosy cunt” to a tree
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It’s pretty dumb that we have to get ready for bed. Seems like something you shouldn’t have to prepare for.
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