Francis
@franciscellis
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Sitting courtside at Celtics game. I told RJ Barrett I bet his over rebounds and need him to go to work. He said how many do you need, and I said 5. He said I got you. That was 2 quarters ago. He has 1 rebound.
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My girlfriend couldn’t believe that I’m playing golf today. She said, “you choose your golf course over me a lot, and your golf course doesn’t give you blowjobs.”. “True,” I said. “But it lets me play the back holes any time I want.”. We laughed. It was a good moment.
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My girlfriend and I are playing board games with another couple. For teams, I suggested we swap girlfriends. I said “this is like swinging, except we won’t regret it tomorrow.”. No one laughed. They hated it. It’s not fun now.
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A big thank you to @stoolpresidente @erika_ for giving me a shot at redemption. And to @rone @lilsasquatch66 @EddieBarstool and everyone else who kept my name warm. My tools are sharp. I am a wolf. I will make love to Frankie Borrelli.
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I’m in dry January and had a salad for dinner and still woke up with diarrhea I mean what the fuck is the point.
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Here we have Baby Gronk’s dad feeding him answers on the Bring the Juice pod. Hey kid, blink twice if you’re tired of being dad’s clout bait
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If you meet a girl at a bar and she says “bet I can drink more than you,” she’s probably wrong. But if she says “I bet you $200 I can chug 16 ounces of room temperature Natural Light faster than you” and she has two friends filming behind her? She’s right.
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Once again had to put my cape on. It’s always a Kia. What the hell is wrong with Kia owners. Kia: the official car of being an asshole.
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So proud of my pals. Congrats to @BarstoolBigCat @KFCBarstool @stoolsalesguy @FeitsBarstool and others— let’s go shopping!
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This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
How are we losing to a tribe that believed "Francis came out as gay" as the reason why tribal took too long #SurvivingBarstool
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If you wonder why I’m always nervous while eating my lunch, this is the reason. Vultures everywhere in this godforsaken place.
Caught @franciscellis plowing through a seafood tower for lunch today. Didn’t offer up a single morsel.
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Just did a standup set and @lilsasquatch66 went after me. Then these girls asked me for a picture. Of them. With him. I am dead inside.
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An IG group chat of white dudes got mad and added me to their group to scold me. So I changed the group chat name to Francis’ Cum Guzzlers and made the pic my headshot. Here’s to AJ, CJ, Hayden, Trevor, and Beau for making it about race! Allies!
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I met Spike Lee at a Rangers game once. I told him I took a class on his films in college. He asked where (thank God) & I said Harvard. He askd if I knew Jeremy Lin. I said we took a science core together. Then he asked if Lin was really a virgin. I said I dunno & he said "damn.".
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I have an announcement: . I just watched “Meme” on Netflix. I no longer want to go viral. That movie terrified me. Having said that, if this goes viral, that’d be sick.
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All hail Massachusetts PD. Absolutely heroic work here. May their example shine bright and true and catch hold in other metropolitan areas around the nation.
Massachusetts State Police is pulling over vehicles tonight who merge last second to cut rush-hour traffic on Storrow Drive.
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I’m at La Guardia airport and Tim Tebow is going through security with me. I just watched him stack and consolidate the empty bins for 5 minutes, even though he already had his items. It was EXACTLY what I hoped he would do.
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A guy at my gym just asked me out for a drink. I politely declined, saying that I was straight. He goes “I don’t believe you,” and then walked away. And now I have no idea what I want.
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Absolutely overjoyed. They say not to post your card due to personal info but I’m too happy to care. Later COVID!!
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Call me a good friend but I refuse to like the posts of my friends’ ex-girlfriends. It’s called loyalty. I still zoom when they’re in bathing suits but I keep that to myself.
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The discrepancy between how much sex I thought we would have and how much we’re actually having reminds me of a Christmas where I told my grandma I wanted a lego millennium falcon and she died instead.
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If a coworker locks their food in the company fridge, I have no choice but to crack the code
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Every time I take a cab to the airport, I ask the driver where he's from. He'll say some faraway country. I'll name the capital, thinking it will impress him. It doesn't, and then we ride in silence. I really overestimated the value of memorizing capitals as a child.
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I’m at my gf’s fancy work party. They were handing out hors d’oeuvres and I grabbed a fish taco. I didn’t see the lime, ate it whole, spent 5 minutes trying to chew through the rind. Everyone saw it. You ever eat a whole lime? Jesus Christ.
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@Jerrythekid21 I watched Jerry write this tweet and then he turned and offered our driver a handjob if he’d let him steer for 10 minutes.
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Sundaaaaaay. Unemployed day. Makes no difference, Monday off day, Tuesday off day, Wednesday off day. .
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Here’s a video of a dude stealing my Citibike yesterday. Never seen anything so casual. I’m getting a $1200 charge from Citibike and I’m not even mad, just impressed. If anyone recognizes this guy, please put me in touch with him so he can teach me how to live a happier life.
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Today is a new day. I’m going on a bike ride to a waterfall. Life is good. Let’s ride.
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Life after Barstool. Jenna Marbles: a million billion YouTube views. Pat McAfee: ESPN football announcing job. Francis Ellis: lost 14 pounds eating overnight oats he made during the day, aka nocturnal oats.
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This kid just drove off the road in front of me. I pulled over to see if he was ok and he goes "HOLY SHIT, FRANCIS FROM BARSTOOL?" I was like hey man, you ok? He was like "who cares! What's Pres like in real life?" Probably the most hardcore stoolie I've ever met.
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I don’t normally tear up at wedding videos, but this one got to me
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And just like that, I’ll be playing an arena in November. Life is preposterous. Thank you @bertkreischer @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS ‼️ @FeitsBarstool and @franciscellis are opening for @bertkreischer November 13-16th
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“I mean the thing was that when Hank said ‘good luck’ I thought that was the green light to play poker but whatever I’m thinking of doing some standup myself I mean if Brandon Walker can do it hell how hard can it be one time my mom found my Playboys there’s something there I
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It’s Bagel Monday at my old workplace. I’m here to clean out my desk, and they forgot to cancel the bagel order. 40+ breakfast sandwiches for me. Things are looking up.
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This is how we initiate my sister’s boyfriends. Couple failed swings but I think he’s part of the family.
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Only person here is @allbusinesspete . He came over to say hi and wish me well in my future endeavors. Just kidding. He came to take my key card and make sure I didn’t take the laptop.
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I’m eating dinner 10 feet from the sign for my show. A dude just walked by, saw the sign, and went. “are you fucking kidding me? This dude SUCKS.” . Hot start!
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I love when my therapist goes on vacation. It’s a nice few weeks for me to summon the demons and undo all the work she’s done. Hope the beach was nice! Thanks to your selfishness, I’m a threat to society again!.
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Never felt more alive.
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If you don’t have a video of Dave firing you, you’re not doing it right. Will miss you @BarstoolMintzy.
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These guys just tagged me instead of the Pope. My DMs are wild and I’m responding to all of them. Doing the Lord’s work today.
While @franciscellis has used strong language in condemning the #UkraineWar and referred to a “potentate” as responsible for the conflict, he has so far avoided calling out #Putin by name or Russia as the aggressor.
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I was at a bar last night and the manager knew who I was. They had a bucket of $1 Jell-O shots, and he brought me 6 on the house. Sometimes you have to stop to take stock of how well you’re doing. Three years ago, I’d be out $6 for those shots. Now, they’re a perk.
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Just ran into a group of old coworkers at Whole Foods. Saw them coming and grabbed a bottle of 12-year aged balsamic to make them think I’m doing just fine. Then I told them I have 7 job offers already. Then they left and I shoplifted the balsamic in my compression shorts.
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A waitress just dropped an entire tray of glasses and they shattered everywhere. She stood frozen for a second, then started sobbing. An older guy said, “are you alright?” And she screamed, “fuck you!” and ran out. Best French toast I’ve ever had.
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The blog I didn't write today because of personal growth: . "Brooklyn Nets' Wives Whom Ime Udoka Will Bang First".
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I follow a few people on Instagram who actually went to Fyre festival. Each one of them has posted photos from it this week, with long captions saying “I learned so much” and it “changed who I am.” . Hey dipshits? We’re never going to feel bad for you.
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My cleaning lady just texted me to say she can’t take it anymore and she’s moving back to Poland in search of a better life. Poland.
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I ordered my gf a bracelet from a company called Ring Concierge. They said orders were backed up 8-10 weeks because of COVID, and her birthday is in September. It arrived in 4 days. She saw the package. She was thrilled about the “totally random” gift. Gonna be a sad birthday.
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Being forced to share an Uber with the person who threw out an entire hour of podcasting because it would “make our audience upset”.
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Whenever I travel with @lilsamsquanch66 I tell the staff that my friend is injured. 9/10 times we get to ride the cart to our gate. He says he hates it but he doesn’t stop me. @SonOfABoyDad
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I love how doctors always knock before coming in to your exam room to see you. As though I decided to jerk off between getting my vitals tested and being told I drink too much.
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On the way to Dallas my Uber driver is BLASTING old school hip hop and keeps looking in the mirror at me to see if I know the lyrics. He keeps saying “come on!” to urge me to sing along. I want to sing for him so badly but I don’t have it
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I’ve learned that at my age, if people want to pregame, it just means they’re really into cocaine or they’re super broke.
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I just told a spam caller that if they called me again I would “find you and come after you.” . Is this ok? Like legally, I threatened his life. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. Just wondering if this is allowed.
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And you thought the “I Voted” sticker people couldn’t get any worse…
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Ran into an old flame @FrankieBorrelli at the market. He gave me a hug. I was ashamed of the frozen pizza at the top of my basket. Here’s a picture of him from behind, which is how I knew him best. I need a new market.
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Watching @barstoolwsd tell this lovely etiquette coach to her face that her means of making a living is "fucked up, no disrespect to your profession" was a singular, joyous moment of my year . Full video later today.
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If my wife lost all her hair and some comedian called her GI Jane, it would probably be me.
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The last one ever. Thank God. I almost pass out every time I do these. Enjoy tonight. And dear God, anyone but Bran.
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The Meatheads Have Spoken, And Apparently I Did Not Sustain A Concussion .
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Went to a children’s birthday party yesterday. Had the time of my life.
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The guy across the aisle from me on the flight to Vegas did not bring luggage. None. He said he wanted to “force myself to win, so I can buy things I need.” . Bold strategy. I wish him well.
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In September, my friends and I were on a golf trip in Nova Scotia @cabotlinks . We heard about a wedding in town. Didn’t know where. Drove until we saw cars parked outside a tent and crashed it with only a case of Smirnoff to offer. Today, 7 months later, I got this in the mail:
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This is how close I came today to a hole-in-one. Instead, the ball slammed into the pin and bounced thirty feet away. I then 3-putted for a bogie that ruined my weekend and my life is just one long weekend now
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I’ll have kids someday, and the first thing I’ll tell them is that their birth was the second best day of my life. Just don’t see anything topping last night. Thank you Boston. Here is my encore, where I came out and did my GOT song with 800 Bostonians singing along.
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This one was fun. Tough to out-stupid someone this stupid, but I think I managed.
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Two very different opinions on my move of sneaking food out of the Delta lounge. Sorry Dakota, John and I disagree.
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Might be the most perfect 11-second soccer highlight of all time
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Had a nice lobster for lunch today at work. Live your life.
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My dad’s new Tesla starts with a key card. I made sure to put it in a separate pocket from my cell phone. Then I realized it’s a Tesla, not a Holiday Inn Express.
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Ohio loses a great English teacher; we gain a great blogger. Welcome aboard @BarstoolTate . *the simple past of “ring” is “rang,” not “rung.” I’d have caught it before publication but it’s Friday. Microbrews on me when you’re in town.
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Dad is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Southern Maine today for his contributions to education in Maine. I sent him a picture of my Harvard degree and said “mine’s real.” . He replied with a picture of the tuition bill and said “you’re welcome motherfucker.”.
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Last week I was the guest on the Mean Girl Podcast and apparently I was so bad that they’ve decided to throw the episode away.
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Today, a 4-year-old taught me how to hunt in South Dakota. The United States of Kids is my favorite series I’ve ever worked on. Coming soon.
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Just boarded a United flight with my Delta Diamond Medallion tags flapping around my bag. Flight attendant pulled me aside and said I better take that shit off unless I want to end up in the hospital. So much for flying the friendly skies.
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Some failing magazine asked me to send in a resumé for a writing position. I haven’t touched it in a decade, but the farther you are from college, the more you can lie! Good luck turning me down with my 4.6 weighted GPA in biomechanical Arabic engineering! I’m so overqualified.
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Last night we sat courtside at the Celtics game. I don’t understand why people don’t sit courtside. It’s a much better experience. You can smell the sweat. So many people at the game had regular seats. I felt bad for them.
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