Conajam
@conajam
Followers
4,815
Following
987
Media
1,762
Statuses
6,916
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Israël
• 2584738 Tweets
#RafahOnFıre
• 1949944 Tweets
Memorial Day
• 603699 Tweets
Bill Walton
• 104254 Tweets
الجيش المصري
• 94981 Tweets
Nadal
• 93875 Tweets
#النصر_الاتحاد
• 60155 Tweets
Cristiano Ronaldo
• 59981 Tweets
Ucrania
• 54295 Tweets
Alejandra del Moral
• 37800 Tweets
ابها
• 35813 Tweets
Zverev
• 33511 Tweets
كريستيانو
• 26979 Tweets
Edomex
• 24048 Tweets
التعاون
• 20131 Tweets
#الهلال_الوحده
• 19373 Tweets
Icardi
• 19101 Tweets
Hakim Ziyech
• 15854 Tweets
KHKlarGidecek BizDöneceğiz
• 13246 Tweets
القحطاني
• 13134 Tweets
Anthony Martial
• 10936 Tweets
سافيتش
• 10185 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
204
24K
104K
no better feeling than when you finish a good book & can finally eat the bookmark
152
13K
105K
if you fuck up just remember the best part of Mo Bamba was a total accident
45
5K
15K
tough day today so figured I’d post my resume. lemme know if ur hiring!
28
535
10K
me & the fellas at our middle school dance not talking to a single girl
6
380
7K
[pitching a movie to Tim Burton]
Me: so it’s a coming of age tale-
Tim: -about Johnny Depp
Me: ...no, a 12 yr old girl
Tim: perfect for Johnny
Me: I was actually thinking-
Tim, on the phone: Jon-ster, we’re gonna need more eye liner than usual
3
608
4K
tough day today so figured I’d post my resume. lemme know if ur hiring!
10
106
4K
me: this wine is too oaky
waiter: sir that’s our least oaky wine
me: let me finish...dokie. it’s okie dokie. c’mon babe let’s scram
8
216
4K
me: why the fuck do the ninja turtles even wear masks. they’re the only 4 turtles that know karate who do they think they’re fooling
janitor mopping the floor: could u please move out of the way sir
1
122
1K
our off-brand Roomba seemed lonely so we made him a dating profile
13
152
1K
a drunk girl at this party asked me “so like what’s your backstory?” I said “scoliosis” & she said, with complete sincerity, “that’s crazy I’m a Libra”
8
186
882
[pitching a movie to Tim Burton]
Me: so it’s a coming of age tale-
Tim: -about Johnny Depp
Me: ...no, a 12 yr old girl
Tim: perfect for Johnny
Me: I was actually thinking-
Tim, on the phone: Jon-ster, we’re gonna need more eye liner than usual
3
608
4K
1
12
793
@ColeyMick
@alleiigh
when you have no vices there’s no high greater than that double bounce
4
22
642
Tim Tebow whispering “loves you” after some guy yells “Jesus!” is peak Tebow
2
87
478
DMV; “Mam, JazzLady won’t fit”
Her: “just drop of the A”
DMV: “which one?”
Her: “doesn’t matter”
1
13
298
me: I’m actually a huge U2 fan
interviewer: you don’t know what pro bono means do you?
1
41
292
my girlfriend & I doing a Fantastic 4 couples costume. I’m Mr. Fantastic & she’s the Invisible Woman
She is VERY committed to the role & is definitely real & my girlfriend. My real girlfriend
6
15
280
Each Christmas, one kid in my family doesn't receive any presents. We'd find out Xmas morning. Dad said it builds character
#ChristmasFail
3
83
263
reminiscing the family phone plan days where my brother got my dad with an all-time prank
2
5
274
[Shrek writers after submitting the script]
“Damn we wrote a great movie”
Yea
“You remembered to name the donkey right?”
3
31
268
Can’t watch Derek Carr without thinking about his bizarre Instagram caption
“Not only is she obviously sexy, she also FEARS GOD!”
16
15
262
3
19
245
“See, to you it was fast, but in the grand scheme of time and space...”
2
47
242
*guy stumbling thru airport holding a big bundle of clothes looks up with a sigh of relief*
0
25
238
If you fail, just remember that the Baha Men didn’t release Who Let The Dogs Out until their 9th album
2
43
216
Him: what’s mansplaining?
Her: it’s-
Me, yelling across the restaurant: ACTUALLY LET ME TAKE A STAB AT THIS ONE
2
19
223
I'll have a plate of lasagna & a large 4 Loco
"Sir, this is Starbucks"
Fine, a venti 4 loko
0
59
214
just got a guinea pig & named him “my girlfriend” so now I tell people “I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriend” or “my girlfriend shit in the vent again”
2
23
220
hey good news mom said you can sleep over but you gotta go to church with us in the morning
4
15
213
pretty messed up that Veterans only got a day but Chevy trucks get a whole month
3
35
212
my dad at my cousin’s wedding after 3 appletinis
1
10
196
priest: let us offer the sign of peace
me, to the babe in the back pew:
0
17
188
Me at 18: I’m gonna agree to these student loan terms that will put me in crippling debt thru my 20s
Also Me at 18: I will shotgun a Four Loko
2
30
178
I wish I trusted anything as much as this guy trusts his ice cream
1
41
168
an absurd part in Rudy is when Jon Favreau’s character goes to law school for 1 year & is somehow super rich
8
4
172
my therapist told me to stop using astrology to make decisions which is exactly what a Libra would say
2
27
164
Wanna feel old? The kid from Charlie Bit my Finger is in a federal prison outside Milwaukee
1
10
146