caleb hearon
@calebsaysthings
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beloved gay comedian with perfect opinions and a heart of gold. many, many accolades.
Joined October 2010
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my podcast, so true, is bravely asking — “what if a gay guy could interview people?” listen wherever you get podcasts and watch on YouTube 🤠
YouTube:
Spotify:
Apple:
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i’m done with airbnb lmao these motherfuckers have curfews, quiet hours, and chore lists now. i will be at a HOTEL.
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pov: you’re a close friend venting to me about a situation where you were entirely in the wrong
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last week somebody suggested 9 am to me as a meeting time and i laughed out loud. this is not the NAVY bitch. 9 am is still snug as a bug in a rug hours. please be serious.
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the "millennials vs gen z" shit is so weird and desperate. you are 35 years old. it doesn't matter if 17 year olds think your jeans are cool.
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“forced you to have sex” is so clunky. i almost wish we had a word for that.
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cigarettes don’t even get you high, right? like they’re literally just for cancer.
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every city has a "guy" they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go "oh yeah haha that's horseback jesus" and then that's just the end of the explanation.
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getting pissed off because i can’t find 17,000 more songs that sound exactly like the one i am enjoying but aren’t that song exactly but make me feel the same way so i can continue the precise vibe. i have the hardest life anybody has ever had btw.
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mother’s day posts are like “she gave up everything to raise us. she made our clothes and cooked our meals and dedicated her life to being a mom. her kids are her only joy, thank you” and father’s day posts are like “nobody loves michelob ultra & jimmy buffet like the big man”
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it sucks so bad when self care actually works. like okay cleaning my room actually improved my mood and lowered my overall stress what a simple unoriginal bitch i am.
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sorry but i do not want my children to see drag queens. i want my children at church hearing graphic descriptions of what it will feel like to burn alive for eternity.
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i like when my uber driver honks at another car. yes king stand up for us.
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first email to landlord: “hey dave I’m sure you’re busy and I hate to be a bother but we noticed...”
third email to landlord: “Mr. Whittington—I trust that you’re familiar with all local, state, and federal ordinances regarding the rights and expectations of tenants pursuant t
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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the three remaining try guys are beating the adulterer to death on instagram live right now. difficult to watch but ultimately necessary.
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straight guys get tagged in an instagram post once every 3 years. its impossible to do recon on these people. they have no paper trail. they’re untraceable. their twitter feeds are all rt’s except for “we didn’t want it bad enough” on september 4, 2018 (their baseball team lost).
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love reading about men in history like "unfortunately, he never found a wife :( his elaborate scarf collection sold for $1.2M in 2011. he and his closest male friend, Chauncey, with whom he shared a bed, died within weeks of one another. they were known for their dinner parties."
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whoever invented this horrendous shit will never see heaven
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a woman aged thirty five years should be horrendous to behold or frankly even dead. doctors can’t explain how this woman is not only alive but also out of the house.
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[tiktok voice] so i’m a nurse and today i’m going to withhold pain meds from a cancer patient who asked me for an extra pillow 💅🏼 like for part two
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my life has gotten immensely better since i started lying to myself. i saw the footage of the fire ocean today and said “that is photoshop” and haven’t thought about it since. i live in total bliss.
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by age 25 you should have a pair of pants you love, seventeen pairs you despise, a restaurant you order from at least twice a week, a college friend who moved abroad but it’s not clear what for, and you should be googling “houses for sale” in places you do not and will not live.
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if we have a set plan and you hit me with the last minute “oh my friend you haven’t met is gonna join us”???? i’m cancelling & you are on plans probation w/ me. no plans for awhile. you need time to think about your values.
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when gay boys turn 13 years old the universe assigns them one woman working in entertainment. from that point forward their purpose on earth becomes supporting this woman so hard that the force of their love for her could literally kill them.
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a smoke detector that stops beeping if you say: “no, please, there’s been a misunderstanding.”
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almost time to hear from these fuckin freaks again
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adam levine is incredibly strong because if my sexts got released i would walk into the ocean with cinder block shoes
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somebody dm’d me “please don’t tweet spoilers about the crown :(“
sweetie this happened in 1951.
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if we're going to keep the supreme court they should have to live together in a content house. the world is changing. evolve or die.
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crazy how 50 year old dudes always seem to "fall in love" so deeply and so unexpectedly with somebody who can't rent a car on their own
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my mom: “what r u having for lunch?”
me: “a salad! how’s your week going?”
my mom: “good sweetie. i had surgery three days ago. how is ur salad”
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joe biden should not only cancel student loan debt he should also put the “i worked hard to pay mine off, what about me?” people in jail
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just squeeeeeeeeeeeeezing in 2-3 hours of uninterrupted staring at my phone before bed. might even google a recipe I have no intention of making—who cares? it’s “me” time.
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tonight i did bedtime like an adult in a movie (read a book by the light of a bedside lamp until i noticed the time, took my glasses off, and put my book away with a little sigh like “that’s enough for tonight let’s get some shut eye”)
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your time would be better spent asking why your kid doesn’t feel safe around you. hope this helps! ❤️
Call me old-fashioned, but if I were a parent, I’d quite like to know whether my son, Sam, was showing up at school as Samantha.
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bored with movies that have eighteen celebrities in the cast. give me four unknown freaks and a script from somebody who genuinely isn’t well.
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90% of nfl commentators jobs is being like “and i’ll tell ya, john, these guys are. these guys. these guys wanna win this one.”
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the girl campaign made me, a boy, feel bad :( bright red hat make boy feel strong! boy love girls but no vote for girls :) donald trump president of boys :)
“I love Hillary. I love everyone, but the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel — as a guy … it was something about this hat that made me feel like Superman,” famed musician Kanye West said of his MAGA hat while discussing masculinity, the economy and his brand
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i don’t have an inner child. i was a trusted advisor to multiple adults by age 5.
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nothing pisses me off more than life maintenance. why am i washing a bowl right now i could die tomorrow.
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at least during the black plague nobody had to work it into email greetings
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aging isn’t even one percent as scary as whatever is going on with the people who try not to
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the height of social media was like 2008 when you’d post “I hate everyone to the bitter end, nothing turns out right, there’s no end in sight, I hate my life” (mad about geometry homework) and your aunt would comment “you need to call me” and you’d reply “lol it’s song lyrics”
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i just landed in hawaii. i’m here to capture ezra miller and become a hero to the local people. the reign of terror stops now.
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me and three other kids who couldn’t make “s” or “r” sounds returning to regular class with candy from our speech therapy session
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me, with $27 in my checking account, looking at $3M homes online: “the size of this in-ground pool is an insult”
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you rarely anymore see a piano fall on somebody’s head and then they open their mouth to reveal their teeth have been replaced by the piano keys
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yeah let’s send the hottest guy working at the store to come unlock the eczema lotion for me. that’s perfect. i actually love that.
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i can’t believe the way i let elementary school teachers talk to me. “1, 2, 3 eyes on me”? sweetheart i’m in the middle of a conversation.
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original sin is a fuckin crazy concept. how am i in trouble when i just got here.
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being gay is exhausting. why do I have to say “we love her” when I walk past a lamppost.
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once in an improv class an older man started a scene by saying to a younger female classmate “hey stripper.” the teacher said “let’s try a different initiation” and the guy said—with zero irony whatsoever—“alright, she’s...she’s my mom.”
and I think about this constantly.
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we cannot accept anything less than $30,940.21 in student loan forgiveness from the biden administration. keep pushing them. not a penny less than that exact amount. for the economy.
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i love the adult friends part of the relationship with your parents. i get to say “yeah i’m scared of commitment because you and dad fucked me up” at lunch and we just laaaaaugh. pass the salt girl we’re having fun.
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accidentally listened to bon iver in cold weather. going crisis mode.
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can’t stand a cute restaurant menu. “let’s get it started” bitch say appetizers i swear to god.
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please don’t text me cute & flirty shit in the middle of a weekday. i’m a businessman. i can’t be having butterflies at the big meeting.
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halloween people posting “it’s spooooooky time!” like yeah we’re about to lose roe v wade
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life can’t always give tongue tied by grouplove vibes & u have to make peace w that
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the two types of workout fits are “sweats with a shirt i got in college” and “sex cyborg sent from the future to run and fuck”
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i will get hate for this but it must be said — 7:30 is such a classic dinner time. 6:30 too early. gives “i have another thing after this.” 8:30 too late. gives “can say i have early morning obligation if i’m not having fun.”
7:30 is prime dinner real estate. love a 7:30.
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can't stand an airbnb host that tries to have too many rules. "quiet hours after 9 pm"?? "no guests without host permission"??
listen babe my part of this was giving you money. your part is to tell me the wifi password. that's it. that's the end of the relationship.
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every month there’s a new tiktok trend where people post pictures of their parents in their 20’s like “look how fuckable my dad was isn’t that crazy”
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i don’t even know who i am when i have road rage. like since when do i say “two can play at that game”?
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girls who call their mom “this crazy chick” on Mother’s Day were allowed to have parties in their finished basement in high school
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i will never forget the day somebody called me ugly online and one of my fans responded “he’s a comedian not a model” — deeply and permanently humbling.
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed "get your bike, we're looking for frogs!"
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent's mom about her divorce.
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just circled back on something and it felt fucking amazing. later today I’m gonna touch base. this feeling is what we’re all chasing.
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i definitely knew people weren't doing *amazing* right now but i didn't understand the full extent of it until i saw some of the responses to that blues clues video
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if i go to dinner with a thin person and they pick a restaurant in a trendy neighborhood called like “figs & honey” i just KNOW i’m stopping at popeye’s on the way home
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girls who make public playlists on spotify like “the part in the movie where you drive off and look out the window” are the unbreakable spine of our democracy
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so excited for the new year. i love being a different person for 9 days.
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webmd is for new, inexperienced, and fake hypochondriacs. veteran players hangout on the mayo clinic website.
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I tried a natural deodorant today and the experiment is over as quickly as it began. bring back the carcinogens and i will fight armpit cancer with the bravery of a warrior when it comes.
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can’t stand when i’m determined to see something in a negative light and somebody offers a different, healthier perspective. i already made up my mind to be upset don’t be a bitch.
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you gotta read between the lines when you’re reading adopted dog bios. “a patient family with no children and no loud noises in the home will LOVE having pistachio in their life :)”
aka pistachio will fuckin bite you.
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coffeeshops in hip neighborhoods love to not have wifi and put up a sign that says some shit like "talk to each other. pretend it's 1992."
honey I wasn't alive in 1992 and I don't know how to have conversation. baby wants screen time.
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me (25m, gay) and my roommate (26f, straight) are almost bored enough to start hooking up
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just want to offer my sincere congratulations to flaky people. we know you’ve waited a lifetime for an excuse like this.
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i think any couple with a shared social media account should be taxed at a higher rate
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if we have another lockdown i’m really gonna do this one differently (i will walk into the ocean with cement shoes)
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I really have the dumbest thoughts when I’m watching a period piece. my brain goes “damn I guess they did have dogs then huh” and it’s 1945.
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physically walked inside of a bank today and picked up some paper checks. might fuck around and chop some wood later. maybe ride the horse into town for some provisions.
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flew home because my mom BEGGED me to visit and she’s currently thirty minutes late to our lunch plans. twitter do your thing (cancel my mother).
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if i placed 17th in an event i was getting free (or reduced) college for i would simply keep things nice and quiet. and maybe those lips wouldn't be so thin if we ran the mouth a little less.
Virginia Tech swimmer Reka Gyorgy has released a full statement on the NCAA allowing Lia Thomas to compete in the 500 freestyle. She was 17th in the event.
“Every event that transgender athletes participated in was one spot taken away from biological females throughout the meet”
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my favorite holiday tradition is playing "sibling or lover" with my white friends' instagram posts
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when my friends leave town it is a direct shot at me. an insult thrown in my face. when i leave town that's just life.
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why the fuck did i want a robe for christmas so bad when i was eleven like what was going on there
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