soul nate
@MNateShyamalan
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forbes' 7.4 billion under 7.4 billion.
Joined November 2010
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists.
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conservative: so a janitor should make $15 an hour?. me: yes. conservative: and i guess kids flipping burgers should make $15 an hour?. me: yes. conservative: next you’re gonna tell me that grocers shou- . me: did you just have this list of people you don’t respect ready to go.
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moderator: what are your views on the economy? . joe biden: i. well i uh. [nose starts bleeding] hmm. donald trump: we’re gonna find and kill the grinch. mark my words. we are gonna use the big guns. it’s gonna be something folks.
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the jonas brothers went to the year 3000. they could have warned us about covid-19 but chose not to.
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in 2012, macklemore exploded from out of nowhere to tell us he shops at goodwill and thought he was gay in elementary school, and then he disappeared forever. each of us gets only one shout into the wind.
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babe wake up penguin strike.
An aquarium in Japan has changed the diet of its penguins and otters due to rising costs, and the animals are refusing to eat the cheaper fish.
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can’t believe my stupid ass has imposter syndrome while elon musk is confidently marching around twitter HQ and chewing on wires until something breaks.
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disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no.
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👏 not 👏 every 👏 rat 👏 is 👏 a 👏master 👏 of 👏 gourmet 👏 french 👏 cuisine.
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right. me: totally. nintendo: and you hate working a job. me: so much. nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?. me: will it be cute. nintendo: so cute. me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours.
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there are two types of male groupchats. either they have a name like “BONER BOYS RES[ERECT]ED: HORNY 4 LIFE, 2 CAKED UP 2 DIE” but they just encouraging each other through breakups and to try therapy. the other will be named like “gary chat” and filled with domestic terrorists.
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never recovered from the first time i heard the word “acai” out loud. that wasn’t even in my top 15 guesses.
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first they came for roger stone, and i said “great.” next, they came for alex jones and i said “good news.” then they came for donald trump and i said “this is also excellent”.
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absolutely heinous to put spongebob squarepants on a sphere. this goes against everything he stood for.
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👏 stop 👏👏 saying 👏 white 👏 peo👏ple 👏 👏 👏 haveno 👏👏👏rhy thm 👏.
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in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that was foreshadowing.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus” .- whiny.- boring.- weak . “i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”.- heroic, valiant.- they will assume you have a sword.- impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus.
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not sure what he’s talking about but that’s the scariest thing anyone has ever said, probably.
🚨58 year old Mike Tyson looks absolutely ripped two weeks out from the Jake Paul fight. Mike also admitted that his second personality Iron Mike has returned: “I’m always careful when that guy comes out. Every time I drink or get ready to fight and Iron Mike returns, I break
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dream logic is so weird. you’ll be exploring an underwater shipwreck but you’ll also be like “this is the walmart that my dad owns.”.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter. daniel radcliffe: hello. agent: would you like to be in a movie . daniel radcliffe: is it very strange. agent: yes. daniel radcliffe: then yes. agent: when can you get here. daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak.
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incredible things happening on the morning walk today
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings . pumpkin patch employee: ok.
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jk rowling’s profile picture revealing visible black mold that is apparently growing up her walls is probably the greatest chekhov’s gun of all time.
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you . me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden.
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robert pattinson seems to be actively hating whatever he is doing at any given moment and frankly i respect him for it.
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jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”.
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im a proud tesla employee. do i work 13 hour days? yes. is my job to keep elon from biting wires? sure. do i have to bring a bucket of decoy wires to throw him off the scent of important ones? you bet. was the guy before me impaled by a forklift? legally i cant say. nevertheless,.
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every college tour guide: you may think you know squirrels, but you better strap the fuck in while i tell you about our special little guys.
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“elon musk said he would fix twitter.”ok but he also said he made an unsmashable window and then smashed it immediately.
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elon musk [parody] [humor] [any individuals in this text (referred to henceforth as “the tweet”) are named on a satirical basis] [the tweet is not a statement of fact, with protection as codified in 17 USC §107 & affirmed in Hustler Mag v Falwell (1988)]: boy i love sippin piss.
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a republican on tv just said “it’s important to remember there are just as many people disappointed as there are celebrating in the street” no there aren’t we literally counted.
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fall out boy: a loaded god complex cock it and pull it. me: [eleven years old] wow so true.
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the CDC just announced you can fill a theme park with dinosaurs again if you really learned your lesson last time.
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it’s so fucked up that if you get a burger from anywhere besides Five Guys you have literally no way of knowing how many guys were involved in that process.
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“everybody was kung fu fighting” really, everybody? even the grinch? get real.
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when you beat hogwarts legacy it takes you back to the character creator and lets you pick if your character was gay.
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me: [on fire] i shouldn’t have used all those plastic straws. billionaires: [leaving on space yachts] you shouldn’t have used all those plastic straws.
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sticks and stones may break my bones, but words? way worse baby. oh my god.
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guns n’ roses only criteria for calling a place “paradise:” .1) women are attractive .2) grass normal color.
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they made a right-wing version of The Onion and conservatives still have only one joke 😭😭
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here.
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$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast - eat costco sausages til you die we dont care. $275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?.
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did it hurt? when you convinced everyone to play your favorite board game and then somebody said “this is complicated” while you read the rules.
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if youve ever said “blue lives arent real,” i have a little story. its about a guy who lives in a scary world we wouldnt recognize: a blue world. all day & night. his house? blue. the windows? blue. even a blue car. EVERYTHING is blue for him & everybody around cuz he aint got no.
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the best part of sitting in the exit row is when the flight attendant comes by to make you promise not to be a coward.
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i’m sad too but this is objectively such a funny way to kill this website
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mark zuckerberg was really sitting in a harvard dorm like “i’m so horny i’m gonna end democracy.”.
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Me: I made a tweet!. My brain: did anybody press the Button. Me: many people pressed the Button. Brain: excellent. you may now have 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈.
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put me in this situation and i’m 100% chewing through the cable like a rat.
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congratulations to the italian men’s team on their title
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely. american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east.
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can’t wait for my new year’s kiss ❤️ hope it’s a dementor.
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don’t talk to me until i’ve had my 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝓉𝓎 𝒻𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝒾𝓃𝓊𝓉𝑒 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌𝑒𝓇 𝒹𝒾𝓈𝓈𝑜𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃.
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hi guys, just logging on to say i love to work in my job at amazon warehouse. my name is nape. i am 29.75 years existing. moving boxes is my favorite human pastime. i urinate frequently and always in the small white being known as toirlet. please do not give me the human rights!.
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“lollapalooza cancelled dababy” sorry i don’t speak italian.
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making my new years’ resolutions as mild as possible cuz i can’t handle any more disappointment. in 2022 i will get a new hat.
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a relationship should be 50/50. i bring you to sweden with my friends for a pagan midsummer festival, you burn me alive inside of a giant bear.
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no fucking way he named his kid eve jobs lmao.
Steve Jobs' daughter recommending an iPhone in NYMag without a disclosure
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being in costco is such a disorienting experience like what do you mean this is the cereal/hot tub aisle.
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[handing out candy bars]. Trick or Treater: aw man, why not king size . Me, 5’2” and weeping: a King can be any size.
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“do you want the good news or the bad news first?” buddy no news is worse than finding out i have to make a decision.
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“Baby Nut” was born Feb 2, 2020, the superbowl. on Aug 11th, the Mr. Peanut corporation tweeted a video for his 21st birthday. thus, he ages at a rate of 0.109375 years/day. average male life expectancy is 67-88 years. Baby Nut will likely die between Oct 6, 2021 & April 16, 2022.
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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bro no way the new velma show has an inter-racial lesbian couple who are both cops and shoot an unarmed teen in the first episode for laughs. lmao who is this for??.
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mike pence: i would like to go back. moderator: we’ve moved onto a new ques-. mike pence: i would like to go back to 1843.
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[preparing for my eugenics photoshoot] hey honey, where are my fucking dork glasses?
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HBO historical dramas be like: . 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓃𝒹𝓊𝓈𝓉𝓇𝒾𝒶𝓁 . 𝓇𝑒𝓋𝑜𝓁𝓊𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃. ( . ) ( . ).
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elon musk getting fact checked by his own website will never get old
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[ creating bats ] . god: well we already made birds. angel:. god:. angel: what if they were goth. god: omg what IF they were goth tho.
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Great question. This is called "twin films," and often happens when 2 or more production companies invest in similar scripts at the same time—resulting in a race to be first to market. Here are a few other examples 🧵.
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hello, i’m an adult in a christmas movie. i don’t believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying.
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i’m in a code review with elon musk. ive got the CSS for on 3 monitors. my browser’s in dark mode so it looks cool. “this part?” he asks, pointing to code for the Giant Omelette. “caches tweets in the mainframe cyberhex,” i say. he nods. “as i suspected”.
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