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@kbnoswag
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“Please get a job” my mom desperately cries from outside my room as I strategically photoshop an image of something I like on the Krusty Krab, and something I dislike on the Chum Bucket. She’s completely oblivious to the amount of retweets I’ll be compensated for this masterpiece
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My step dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school bc I was “too stupid to be a doctor”
8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom
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My girlfriend was in a horrid mood because someone stole her brand new $2,799 MacBook Pro so I bought her chick-fil-a waffle fries with the money I made from pawning it and let her touch my dick/balls & now she’s good as new. That’s all it takes fellas
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College girls on twitter aggressively fantasizing about being 40 year old moms who do regular activities with their fictional families is one of the most bizarre social media trends
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Your mcm took 60mg of adderall and drank an entire 32oz can of Monster just to study for his Intro to Biology final that’s tomorrow morning. He’s in the library right now sweating profusely and writing the definition of “nucleus” on a flashcard. He needs a 118% to pass the class
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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This man bought his girl $1.30 chips and quoted some Tim McGraw lyrics and now he's a national hero to white girls on twitter
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Imagine being blown away by the beauty of your son’s prom date and feeling genuinely proud of him for the first time in years, and then finding out that she’s a local instagram model and he needed 100,000 retweets in order to go with her
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I tried this and now I’m at Denny’s with her and the guy she had sex with last night
Instead of hitting her with that 2am text for sex, hit her with that 8am text for breakfast
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Is it an exaggeration to say that this girl doesn’t deserve to live anymore?
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Everyone who retweeted shit like this in 2012 is an assistant high school football coach with multiple DUIs and an extremely active Facebook account now
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Mike Posner really spent 6 months walking 2,800 miles across the United States and overcame a debilitating rattlesnake bite along the way, and a few people were like “that’s crazyy” then instantly forgot about his existence
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18 year old white girl: I just want 50 dogs and a husband who takes me to Target
478K Retweets 835K Likes
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Hey guys, my dad was recently diagnosed with a rare heart condition and the medical bills have been overwhelming for my parents. I’m starting a gofundme to help pay for my Coachella tickets and spring break trip to Cancun, since they can barely afford to send me money anymore
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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It’s so sad how today’s generation of kids don’t even go outside anymore bc they’re addicted to smartphones. What happened to the days when kids actually left the house to gather wild plants or do agonizing manual labor in textile mills until they died of scarlet fever at age 12
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I've been to Italy
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Sweat drips from my forehead as I painstakingly edit a picture of me and my mom on the beach 4 summers ago. I exert every ounce of creative energy to come up with the caption, “I only love my bed and my momma I’m sorry” and breathe a sigh of relief. My work for the day is done
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Stop trying to make a toxic relationship work and just move back to your hometown, date someone from your high school class, conceive a child 3 months into the relationship, force a marriage, and spend the rest of your life living for the Myrtle Beach vacation you take every July
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Me: did you hear about how all the tweetdeck accounts got permanently suspended
My friends who have professional careers, social lives, and meaningful relationships with others: what
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Asked my uber driver how long he’s been uber driving and he said “I never started” and then I laughed and then he didn’t laugh & then we rode in silence for 10 minutes and then I sneezed & he said “what was that sound you just made” and I said “a sneeze” & he said “okay”. 5 stars
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Your mcm has no plans so he’s about to show up to a pregame uninvited and take shots of other people’s liquor until he has enough confidence to play his “party vibes” Spotify playlist on the aux and post snapchats of himself lip syncing to 21 Savage with the caption “we out here”
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Your wcw just retweeted this. She’s a freshman nursing major with a 4.0. Her dad is letting her borrow one of his credit cards until the semester is over. She thinks she’s wild and crazy bc people her age are getting married and she still eats chicken nuggets and drinks fireball
RIP to my gpa/immune system/sleep schedule/bank account/life/me
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There’s really people out there who just straight up don’t consume caffeine and rely on shit like trail mix for sustainable natural energy lmaooo just sleepy as hell at work and desperately grabbing for a handful of dried up fruits and assorted nuts to give them a boost
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19 yr old girls talkin about "leaving the country" but can't even make it from Sig Chi to Kappa Alpha without throwing up & peeing in a bush
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Your wcw blacked out at brunch after 2 mimosas & spent 45 minutes trying to take a boomerang of her clinking glasses with her friend Ashley
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Coworker: ugh Monday! I have no desire to talk to anyone today
Me: same
Coworker: don’t even get me started on my weekend!
Me: ok
Coworker: it was a complete disaster, so Friday I get a call from my sister-in-law, did I ever tell you about her? The crazy one from Milwaukee?
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My boys in the group chat have 30 more minutes to respond to my “who wants to get brunch” text or I’m pullin the trigger on this
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College is crazy because you can be in the library working on a 280 character tweet that thousands of people are gonna see while some STEM major sitting next you complains about writing a 20 page biochem lab report that only ONE person is ever going to read
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My neighbor turned 95 last year and his birthday wish was to watch the Eagles finally win a super bowl. It was the most surreal feeling in the world watching the ending of the game last night and knowing that racist asshole didn’t get to see any of it because he died 3 months ago
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6 months ago I quit my job and started volunteering at local homeless shelters. It’s been exhausting at times, but the most rewarding feeling in the world is knowing that I finally finished all of my court-ordered community service hours and never have to help poor people again
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Another embarrassing weekend where I couldn’t handle my alcohol. Friday I got hammered and drunk texted my mom “hey just wanted to let you know that I love you and appreciate everything you do for me” and Saturday I blacked out and donated $300 to St. Jude’s children’s hospital
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Commenting “photo creds” is an absolute power move because it’s an easy way of letting everyone know that, A. you have the ability to take pictures with your phone’s camera, and B. you’re the least liked person in your friend group
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People from Wyoming are in my mentions insulting me for dissing their state yesterday and I’m just imagining them furiously riding a horse to a McDonald’s in Utah just so they could get wifi and tweet at me
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I’ve never been to a Mexican restaurant with a group of middle aged white women but I imagine they all say “oooooh this is strong!” after they take their first sip of a margarita and then collectively tell their waiter “gracias” while giggling at themselves
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The owner of the Horny Facts™ account gradually maturing and realizing there’s more to life than being aggressively horny is one of the most inspirational character developments in twitter history
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Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic but every October I fantasize about being married and waking up brutally hungover on a Sunday morning to my insufferable wife demanding me to get out of bed bc she wants to spend the day at the local pumpkin patch with our irritable infant child
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The girl who wrote "truth is idk who u are but u seem weird" on my Facebook wall in 2010 just retweeted me. Do you know who I am now, Sarah?
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Someone who dropped out of your high school & had 2 kids before age 20 is on Facebook rn typing a 300 word political rant w/ no punctuation
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Haven’t opened any of my group texts in WEEKS because I’m planning on posting a screenshot of an irrelevant conversation I have, just so everyone will see the 200+ unread messages in the corner and think that I’m wildly popular and not an insecure loser. Power moves only in 2018
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Your girlfriend of 3 years who went to Coachella and fucked an “up-and-coming” Youtuber when she was rolling on molly that was actually meth is about to quote this and say “BIGGGG yikes. Throw the whole male species away”
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Imagine being a dog that’s just tryin to chill at a party and then some girl from a dating app who’s fluent in sarcasm spends the entire night aggressively petting you
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Weirdest thing to ever happen to me on social media was New Year’s Eve 2014 when my orthodonist from 8th grade facebook messaged me “how’s them teeth holdin up kiddo” at exactly midnight and then deleted his account the next morning
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What’s the move tonight fellas? Are we still meeting up two hours before the pregame to rehearse the lyrics to Drake’s new song or should we just wing it?
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Post Malone (in the middle of a concert): How you guys feelin tonight?!?!
Guy who runs a Post Malone parody account (whispering from the back of the crowd): honestly, waiting for the day when i get treated like a priority instead of just an option
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- Sneaking a flask filled with Malibu Rum into prom✅
- Dyeing my hair blonde for lacrosse playoffs✅
- Skinny dipping in Dylan’s pool (with girls) while his parents were asleep✅
- Getting 50k retweets and not having to take my Health final ✅
Senior year was a f***ing movie 😈
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Would kill to be a fly on the wall during the brainstorming process of these masterpieces
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Asked the girl from my biology group project if she’s free to meet up tonight and now her psychopath boyfriend is texting me shit like “leave my gf alone” and “it’s been 7 years since you had AP Bio together, she’s not interested in hanging out with you anymore”
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This Keaton Jones story is a heartwarming reminder that the best way to emotionally support our loved ones is by filming their traumatic breakdowns and posting the videos on social media for personal gain and internet stardom
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Your wcw got drunk off half a margarita & spent 3 hours on the beach posing for a pic she captioned "never leaving". She leaves tmrw at 9am
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Fellas, make sure your girl stays off Instagram today. I’m bout to post a throwback action shot of myself playing high school football with the caption “I’d do anything to go back and play one more game under those Friday night lights”
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Good morning to every single person on the face of the earth except for the parents/legal guardians of the foul-mouthed Asian preschooler who’s been causing a ruckus on my timeline the past 3 days
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Just finished up a 5 day social media hiatus and came to the conclusion that putting your phone down every once in a while and actually spending quality time with your loved ones is astronomically more shitty and annoying than just chillin by yourself and looking at online stuff
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Absolutely fucking not. Delete it immediately
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Remember last year when an army of midwestern sorority girls brainwashed twitter into thinking that being a 37 year old alcoholic at your son’s baseball game was the ultimate utopian fantasy
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Bartender last night politely refused to give me her number even after I tipped her 15% and persistently kept asking for it to the point where she was visibly uncomfortable. I swear nice guys never win
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Fully convinced all women are legitimate psychopaths. This girl I dated for a couple weeks in 2014 still has me blocked on every social media platform and threatens to have her boyfriend beat me up every time I try to break into her apartment
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Not to flex on my coastal followers but it was pretty cool to wake up this morning in a geographic location that won’t be getting absolutely fucking obliterated by a hurricane
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Yearly reminder that I was banned from my college’s wifi for illegally downloading Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5
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Third day in a row wearing a knee brace that I don’t need and my cousin’s lacrosse warm up gear to the gym so I can run on the treadmill at embarrassingly low speeds and people will just think I’m an athlete doing rehab on my knee and not an out of shape loser
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I love how the ideal husband based on viral tweets is just an alcoholic piece of shit who drunkenly whips his kids around on tubes and coaches little league baseball
if you can’t see a future with him on a boat, drinking beer, pulling your kids on a tube down the river why are you even with him sis
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When you and your spouse’s chronic alcoholism is so debilitating that you have to force large amounts of hard liquor down your throats just to be able to sit through your son’s entire JV baseball game 😍
Just tryna marry someone who wants to pregame our kids high school sports games
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if my girl pays for dinner, i’ll get the tip. if she fills up my tank, i’ll give her the aux for the ride home. if she pays my rent, i’ll let her crash at my place. 50/50 is where it’s at, stop expecting to be treated like a king if you’re not treating her like a queen
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Hate when people you know in real life call you out for not following them back on twitter. Just because you’re “one of my best friends” doesn’t mean I’m about to let you water down my timeline with “is it Friday yet?” tweets and “More for Gemini” links
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There’s a percentage of our population who woke up this morning and chose to go for a 15+ mile run lmaooo just hopped out of bed and consciously decided to start their day off with prolonged physical torture
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Take 87: the shower was freezing cold because the hot water ran out 45 minutes ago, family members were pounding on the door, the bottle of axe shampoo was nearly empty, the pressure was on and he finally NAILED it
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Social media peaked in 2011 when every single person in the world wished you happy birthday on Facebook even if you never spoke to them or interacted with them in any way
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Hey everyone, I’ll be deactivating my Twitter and taking a break from social media to focus on myself and my career goals. If you want to get ahold of me, you can just contact me on here bc I’m obviously not doing that and my only “career goal” is getting more popular on Twitter
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For valentines day I’m putting my gf through a romantic scavenger hunt that leads her to the location of our first date/kiss, where the Applebees waitress who served us that night will be waiting with a takeout order and note that instructs her to pay for it & bring it home to me
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Hate going back to my hometown because everyone there peaked in high school. Not me though. I have my own fitness blog and post videos of myself exercising on Instagram now. I can’t wait to wake up on Thanksgiving morning after a night of sobriety and run a 5K. Please notice me
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go to music festivals every weekend and progressively destroy your brain/body in your 20’s
die in your 30’s
grind in your 20’s.
build in your 30’s & 40’s.
chill in your 50’s.
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Call me old fashioned but I can’t wait to fall in love, get married, fall out of love within a year, attempt to save the marriage by having a kid, and then take a week off from work to go to the beach with a woman who despises me and an infant child who requires constant care
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You’ve been spending your free time tweeting from a Post Malone parody account for like 5 years now. I can assure you that you’re not
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Everyone who retweeted this has said the N word on snapchat after 1/2 a four loko at least once in their life
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I really spent the last year listening to 95,000 minutes of her favorite shitty EDM DJs just for her to reply “nice 👍” to the screenshot I sent her of my 2019 Spotify stats
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If I unfollow you it's nothing personal, I just hate all of your thoughts and opinions and think everything you say is annoying and awful
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it’s 2035. you’re an indentured servant at an Amazon warehouse with a useless college degree. You’re $100,000 in debt and you just got scolded by a hologram of Jeff Bezos for taking a bathroom break. Your husband is having an affair with a robot. look at you now girl
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Alone in my room listening to “I Miss You” by Blink 182 on full volume and contemplating unblocking my mom’s number and finally forgiving her for not letting me go to Warped Tour in 2007 even though pretty much everyone else on my baseball team was allowed to go
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College girls will aggressively make out with random dudes at the bar every weekend but are afraid to say a fun fact in front of their class
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I don’t judge people for spelling and grammar mistakes but I fundamentally don’t understand how a fully functioning adult can spell the word dying as “dieing” and not immediately realize that’s wrong
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You’re gonna get KILLED for this one my dude but I respect that you had the guts to post it
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Rewatching The Office for the 7th time (sue me). Love Michael Scott to death but just noticed that in season 5 he 1000% made a mistake when he said “well well well how the turntables” (the correct saying is “how the tables have turned”)
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This is so fucking cringey. I miss when 32 year old vine stars made relatable videos about how much homework sucks
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People on Twitter think it’s some kind of rare, unexplainable phenomenon that they enjoy staying home sometimes AND leaving their home sometimes
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Picture this: it’s 1818. You’re laid up in your Victorian bootcut trousers and linen cap. The Star Spangled Banner by Francis Scott Key just topped the charts for the 3rd week in a row. Your smallpox is ripping apart your internal organs every time you move a muscle
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Just drove past Arby’s and the drive thru line was like 6 cars deep lmao imagine the struggle and despair that must be going on in your life if you’re willing to wait for an extended period of time just to obtain food from Arby’s at 10:45 AM
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Biggest buzzkill is when you offer someone a shot and they say some polite shit like “no thank you” and then proceed to drink in moderation and be respectful to everyone for the rest of the night
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This guy is just a FEW more tweets and calculations away from convincing me he’s a full-blown sex veteran
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Yeah sex is cool but have you ever tried losing your virginity to your high school crush in the back of your Honda Accord after the homecoming dance but then she backed out at the last second and made you awkwardly drive her home in complete silence. What did I do wrong, Megan?
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If I ignore your call and then text you “hey did you call?” 7 hours later, then don’t be a shitty friend and try to call me again. That was my way of kindly letting you know that I’m only willing to communicate with you via text messages
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People really just voluntarily wake up 2+ hours before work to give themselves ample time to exercise and eat a healthy breakfast LMAO just willingly hopping out of bed at 5am to do an intense cardio workout and then prance around the kitchen making a western omelet or some shit
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Sorry I’ve been so distant lately, I’ve been working my ass off on this “2017 Memories” flipagram that’s dropping on December 31st
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