mäther
@carlysintothat
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I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural.
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And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
Issa foster fail! We couldn’t say goodbye to this perfect girl. Also, her name is Cashew
#CroutonAndCashewForever
🍞🥜🩵
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almost crashed into a parked car trying to get a picture of ✨ HER ✨
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ma’am, this was absolutely the weirdest and most suspicious way you could have expressed interest in adopting a pet
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Jeff came inside from taking out the garbage out this morning and goes “so, there’s a tiny possum standing in front of your car in the driveway?”
I run outside and behold: He 🥺
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Muffin was very pregnant when she showed up at Animal Services. She’s due any day now, so her rescue group did a lil maternity shoot 😭😭😭😭😭 I would die for Muffin
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Meanwhile, at the home front, a story in 3 parts, and i caNNOT BREATHE
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PUPDATE: Muffin gave birth to NINE little muffintops yesterday!! The vets saw 8 on the sonogram, plus one Bonus Beb! She looks so proud 😭😭❤️
Muffin was very pregnant when she showed up at Animal Services. She’s due any day now, so her rescue group did a lil maternity shoot 😭😭😭😭😭 I would die for Muffin
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Jeff dropped him off and she confirmed that he seems healthy and uninjured. He should only have to stay at the rehab for a few weeks and then can be rereleased!
What a morning ❤️
Happy tails, little (gender neutral bc I don’t know how to determine the sex of a possum) dude!!
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Me 15x a day: “is that good”
What's a tweet that's so canonical in your mind you make shorthand reference to it, even if people might not know what you're talking about? (I sometimes just say "uh oh y'all it's gettin' kinda hazy" expecting people to get it)
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@otago
This research team is like “you know, the Human Centipede guy actually made some valid points”
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Through the dog rescue, I’m lucky to have a great wildlife rescue contact, so we popped him into the laundry basket and covered the top with cardboard until I heard back from her.
He says “F R E E M E DEMON!!!!” and blessed us with much indignant hissing 🥰
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just though everyone should know that Crouton is having a nice mid-morning nap on our dog-patterned couch pillow 🐕🐶🐩
@darth
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@TheWapplehouse
This thread is incredible but somehow missing “GOOFY (present at the crucifixion)”
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@KristinChirico
Our dog Crouton has one too (a BB, but still!!)— we got her when she was 6mos old, so it must have happened when she was a tiny puppy 🤬 apparently it’s pretty common which makes me want to break things!
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if there's something strange, in ya neighborhood— who ya gonna call? 👻 GHOOOOST-BORKSTERS! 👻
#AintAfraidOfNoBath
#Halloween2k18
🎃☠️ cc:
@darth
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I had just gotten back from the gym and didn’t even see him when I parked— thank god I didn’t run him over!!! I sent Jeff inside for a box (or laundry basket) and towels, took off my shirt and used it to gently pick him up. I’m now very popular with our neighbors 😃
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Please, God, let me ever feel as hopeful for something as this precious baby feels at the prospect of eating two (2) hotdogs 😭
I have never seen an animal eat a hot dog faster in my life, much less two.
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Hey
@darth
can you help us wish Crouton a happy 4th Gotcha Day?? Here’s her glow-up from when we met her at the shelter (6mos old) to now, almost 5 years old and living her best life! ❤️🐶❤️
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@sea_of_shoes
will you wear a sign that says “I look for reasons to hate other women because I feel badly about myself”
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@Bekah_Kashorek
she loves you so much 😭😭😭 this is Maxine, she showed up outside our house one day and yelled for 6 weeks until we let her in 💙
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Does this most perfect ring in the world make me look engaged??????
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Idk how I managed to refrain from posting this picture for 3 weeks, but it’s finally time to share Crouton’s most adorable Santa picture yet 😍😭 Merry Crou-smas Eve from our precious angel!
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Crouton has used the quarantine to take her paw work from impressive, to simply untouchable ✨✨✨
@darth
check em out 💅
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@SheaSerrano
this is Crouton and every day during her lunchtime walk, she lays down in this exact same spot to survey her kingdom, be a dog model, etc.
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@feederofcats
Tonight I dared to gently brush Maxine with her favorite brush that she loves 🥰
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We planned to go to 3 open houses today. The first one was very cute. The second one was on a street with a truly unhinged vibe; we drove past it. And the third was 1/2 of a duplex **which they did not disclose** and were verrrrry careful not to show in pics! That’s fucked up!
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DINK and NINK suggest the existence of a secret third option, One Income No Kids (OINK)
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Just blessing your TL with a collage of Crouton and her foster siblings from the past year— Lulu, Ellie, Gigi, and of course Lucille/Lucy/Chicken 🐣❤️
Fostering saves lives!! 😍
#rescuedogs
@darth
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I just hope both teams had fun at Rihanna’s pregnancy announcement 💓
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@gaileyfrey
"ok, where's the juice without vinegar in it?"
"oh, I put vinegar in ALL the juice!"
me:
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This dog’s name is Moochi and her rescue group is having a fundraiser this weekend called “A Smoochie With Moochi” so naturally I have emptied my 401k and am sitting outside the bar, 5 days early, with all of my money in singles
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apparently one of my coworkers was so tired of being asked to sign birthday cards that he had a custom “birthday card signature” stamp made 💀💀💀
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My husband and I have such vastly different Twitter experiences that sometimes I wonder if we’re using the same app. E.g., at lunch today I asked “you’ve seen the Pussy Phrenologist thing, right??” and he looked at me like I was a shrimp tail in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch 😭
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we got our wedding preview back and I will never stop crying 💘💘💘💘💘
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Family portrait: homeowners edition 🏡💝
I love our house so much 😭😭😭
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@_BillieBelieves
I didn’t either... then Maxine showed up and starting shouting outside the front door until we let her inside 😬
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y’all............... they’re holding hands 🥺 my heart is exploding
I swear I did not pose this AT ALL— they were just snoozing and Crouton reached out her little paw to touch Maxine Kit 😭😭😭
I’ve been ugly crying for about 5 mins with no end in sight
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Crouton has used her time in quarantine to become certified as a yoga instructor, but her home audience is proving... difficult to engage.
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My rescue picked up this 16yo gentleman from the shelter today 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
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My child’s kindergarten teacher asked her to cover her mouth when she sneezed today (I’ve made it clear that the Constitution affords Blandleigh the right to sneeze directly into the open mouths of other children) so if you’re wondering how life in a blue state is… 😡
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Ghost is trying to learn “sit,” but has only gotten as far as standing in front of me on two legs, like a haunted Victorian ghost child begging for a cup of gruel
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god has abandoned this place
It’s big. It’s green. And it tastes even more incredible than it looks! Introducing the NEW! DEW Garita💚👅
@MountainDew
Get yours today*, along with all of your favorite PepsiCo drinks!
#RedLobsterDewGarita
* May not be immediately available in all restaurants.
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OKAY fine-- everyone who placed bets on whether or not we would keep the cat-- we're keeping the cat-- so pay up
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My friend’s beloved dog was attacked by a 6-8ft alligator while on a bike ride in Tampa. She’s fighting for her life with a crushing head injury and a wound to her abdomen. I know things are tough, but please help if you’re at all able 💔 cc
@darth
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If this is what gets me suspended after 13 years it will all have been worth it 😌
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this
#AdminProfessionalsDay
, please remember: a) admins are people too, so please be nice to us, and b) if you don't track your fucking changes in the fucking document, i am going to send it back and make you redo it AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES. xoxo!
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dump him, but also murder him and hide the parts in a swamp. i live in FL i can help
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@lisasaurstomp
Your scientists were so busy wondering if they could... they did not stop to ask if they should
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Apparently last night I drunkenly donated $50 to a Bahamian dog rescuer who took NINETY SEVEN dogs INTO HER OWN HOME last night so they would survive the storm
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there will be professional pics of course but here is a sneak peek of the most perfect ring bearer in the world 💙💙💙
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@Lee_in_Iowa
Of course! We kept him safe and contained for about an hour and then turned him over to a wildlife rehabber 😊
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Well! I put in my notice today and I cried because I really like my bosses and my coworkers, but I’m also excited about this new opportunity that kind of fell in my lap, and if you never try you’ll never know. Here’s to putting ourselves out there 🥂
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24 hours til this man is officially stuck with me in the eyes of the State of Florida!!!!
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The rescue’s resident preggo Madison gave birth to SEVEN healthy babies last night!! She seems proud of herself 💓💓💓
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The rescue's amazing photographer put us in contact with a local dance studio, and thus was born... the First Paw-sition photoshoot 🐶👯♀️😍
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Meet Sophie, a 13yo Boston Terrier 💙
Sophie’s owner brought her to a vet to be euthanized because she wasn’t getting along with a new dog in the home. She did growl when meeting Crouton, but they figured it out in about 90 seconds 😒 people suck! Welcome to safety, Sophie girl🤍
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Our wedding was beyond amazing ❤️ We put a lot of time and love into the details to make it feel like Ours— the foster tables, Crouton and Maxine’s bars, our beautiful cake baked by my mom. We focused on being present and enjoying each moment with our loved ones. It was perfect😭
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If you had
One shot
One opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment…
Would you capture it?
Or just let it slip?
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o, what crëature doth diggeth its wicked claws into mine midsection!
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my mom is threatening to put this on Facebook to embarrass me, but the joke is on her; this pic SLAPS and thus I will RELEASE IT MYSELF
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I’ve never said this before but I would pay $1,000 to be included on this Zoom call
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my dude brought his whole-ass smoker, which is actively smoking some delicious smelling meats, along to the covid test site 😂😂😂
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