Guy who invented coffee: "Don't even talk to me until I've invented coffee"

I've never listened to music, is it any good?

If you’re not madly in love with me after 5 minutes I’m just gonna assume you’re confused

https://t.co/63x2XXAfJ8

https://t.co/O8VsRDasoT

The Riddler’s career probably took a pretty huge hit once they came out with Google.

Ok I'll bite. What am I supposed to be doing at my job?

[screaming at Weird Al] THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV? Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you've opened it in Word.

I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

HIM: Do you know what horses are? MEDIEVAL ARTIST: Ha ha! Of course I know horkses! HIM: Horses. MEDIEVAL ARTIST:…Horp-horpses.

[Jeopardy] Host: "So tell us a little more about yourself!" Me: *Leans into microphone* "No thanks Alex."

Replying “that sounds like a you problem” to every work related email as a social experiment

Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting? ME: Sure, I gave her 'the look' DATING COACH: Show me *I bite my lip seductively* DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Great—my horse has worms and the pharmacy is out of everything except COVID vaccines.

how high do bugs fly is there a point where they're like nevermind

person next to me held their stuffed owl up like this to let it stare out the window during the entire flight

Do I want better photos of myself? Yes. Do I refuse to let anyone take a photo of me? Also yes.