writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. "he walked feetily into the kitchen" that's how you sound
i'm throwing slices of ham into the hurricane so it rains ham on random houses and people are like wtf is happening. hamcane baby. that's what's happening
my cat: i'm gonna freak out if i don't get food right now
me: ok here's ur food
my cat: lol. you fool. you fucking fool. i wasn't even hungry this whole time
i hate when i'm in the same place as a baby and when everyone starts laughing at an adult joke the baby laughs too. u don't even know what we're talking about. u fucking liar
love tj maxx. where else can u get a batman shirt that's been sneezed on and also an expired box of hot chocolate mix made by a small company in new jersey that went out of business 3 years ago
friend: my wife left me. i got laid off. my kids wont speak to me. i cant do this anymore
me going through an "i just got a bidet and need to tell people about it" phase: you know what would help with all of that
outside cat: my god. is this leftover garbage? how did i get so lucky
inside cat: this tuna isn't gluten free. are you serious. i'm gonna beat the shit out of you
last time i ate shrooms i chewed on a rock for 2 hours because i thought it was a chicken nugget and to this day it was the most delicious thing i have ever eaten
going to public school in florida was awesome. my 3rd grade teacher had us dissect frogs and it wasn't even to teach us anything. he was just like "isn't that fucked up"
me when somebody hits my car: unfortunate but life goes on
me when i hear somebody chewing food: im gonna make u go missing. ur family too. the dog even
i'm interviewing for my dream job at nasa. "how are ur coding skills?" they ask. "out of this world" i joke nervously. a tear rolls down the interviewer's cheek. the walls start to vibrate. several engineers scurry in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate