oh shit. i'm at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let's hope she stays asleep!!!

My daughter was mad at me and yelled “I’m gonna spend the day in my room and you’ll be ALL ALONE all day!” And that just isn’t the threat she thinks it is

I talk to my dogs out loud and have them respond to me in their little puppy voices. This is completely normal!

[About the new foster dog] Me: I think he's about 6 or 7 years. My Gen Z kids: *grins* Me: Don't.

Explaining the miracle of salmon spawning to my spawn

i accidentally screenshot my wallpaper atleast 3x a week

Oh no, it looks like I’ve had a little too much to think

1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open cabinets. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat.

At this point I’m pretty sure I was born a hot mess.

Ordered my kids food from two different places and the drivers are about to arrive at the same time, and why does this feel so embarrassing

Me: *screams into the void* Spirit Halloween: *screams back*

Sometimes I have to turn off the news and put on a true crime documentary so I can relax

“you never reply to messages” i am just one person okay i am understaffed

for once i would just like to underthink a situation. how do you guys do that?

I cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95.

I saw a dog wearing a vest that said “Not Friendly, Do Not Approach” and do they make these for people? Cause I want one

Was Hitler *also* this dumb and very obviously in moderate stages of dementia? 🤔

My 8yo: Dad, my friend Jordan at school thinks you’re 164 years old My husband*confidently*: How would JORDAN, who’s never even met me— 8yo: He saw you pick me up Husband: 😑

UPDATE: the gentleman who threatened to release Speaker Mike Johnson's Grindr account

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken. Me in my 30's: Oh no worries. I'll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm. FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni--- Me: 8PM.