[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory].ME:.WIFE:.ME:.WIFE:.ME:.WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—.ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!.

RT @DrakeGatsby: Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”.

They should do a reverse Jurassic Park as a prequel. 200 million years ago dinosaur scientists genetically engineer humans and then desperately try to stop us as we breed, destroy their environment, and make prehistoric versions of Love Island.

Refusing to separate the art from the artist but going the other direction. Like I had to stop visiting my aunt because she’s a wonderful person but her watercolors are fucking GARBAGE.

Just held a baby, didn’t realize they were actually so small. Whenever I saw one I just assumed it was really far away.

I forgot she was researching heavy bags for me and she forgot what they were called.

RT @RationalBlonde: if autism was actually a problem in this country we'd have more trains.

RT @Feldfrog: Jeffrey Dahmer is sort of the “bad boy” of dinner.

beast: hey, this is gonna hurt, but… I just found out people are calling you “beast.”. belle: oh. no, I actu—I think that was you. they’re calling me “beauty.”. beast: well, I have all this gorgeous fur, and you took the time to write a mean song about all your neighbors, sooo….

RT @Feldfrog: I have put out an hour of one-liners

Moses after God first spoke to him:.

I finally achieved my ultimate dream as a comedian: being funny enough someone way hotter than I am married me.

It’s crazy that hunting and gathering were separate jobs. Like, you’re already in the woods. You can’t grab some berries?.

RT @ginnyhogan_: “Zohran’s going to turn NYC into a socialist state” okay so you admit he’s capable of getting things done?.

RT @TheAndrewNadeau: Make a movie about the TA who had to teach 90% of Indiana Jones’ classes.

RT @joekjoek: I've come to slowly realize that AMERICAN COMIC, my new movie, could potentially be my Star Wars, and it feels crazy. https:/….

Like this is definitely the photo used in the newspaper of an old mummy movie when 2 explorers “mysteriously vanish” after opening a sarcophagus.

I love this photo choice because it subtly suggests their breakup is the result of disturbing a cursed tomb.

Everyone is doing that at work, white men are just complaining about it.

RT @TheAndrewNadeau: the riddler: how did you catch me??. batman: the riddle explaining how to catch you . mrs. the riddler: i told u steven.

RT @TheAndrewNadeau: Got caught cheating at Dungeons and Dragons by secretly imagining stuff on somebody else’s turn.