Brandon Warne
@Brandon_Warne
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@accesstwins | @lockedontwins | late 30s weirdo birthed by a teen mom & raised by television | rapidly declining softball player | pinned tweet sums it up well
twin cities via roseau, minn.
Joined January 2015
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DO NOT LET HIM TRY ON THE PANTS
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MLB’s next proposal:
“Is third base *really* necessary?”
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From 1999 to 2007, Barry Bonds had a 1,088-game stretch with an on-base percentage of .505.
Then he retired.
For a 107-game stretch of 2021:
Juan Soto had an on-base percentage of FIVE HUNDRED. 🤯
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Didn’t get the out, but are you kidding me Josh Donaldson?
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Where did you come from?
Where did you go?
Where did you come from?
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Zack Greinke:
"I'm disappointed in all 10 of you. And if I knew any of your names, I'd be cursing them right now."
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He slept with underage girl(s). Pretty easy dots to connect actually.
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Congratulations to Carlos Correa for getting enough money to afford a decent townhouse in San Francisco.
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Ryan Tannehill is what happens when your free Kirk Cousins trial expires
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@theaceofspaeder
as there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos and that'll be a home run
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24 MLB pitchers had 69 career wins
25 MLB pitchers had a career ERA of 4.20
Brandon McCarthy is the only one to do both
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@AlexAnstedCFB
2000 Hurricanes had Andre Johnson, Santana Moss and Reggie Wayne. Throw in Jeremy Shockey if you want.
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Steve Cohen: "I would like to speak to the manager."
Mets: "You haven't hired one yet."
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Kevin Costner: "Is this heaven?"
Eloy Jimenez: "Wait, then where have I been all season?"
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@DudespostingWs
I use the self checkout at the grocery store and when it asks on the receipt survey if the cashier was friendly and knowledgeable I’m like “you’re goddamn right”
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Name a more iconic duo than the D'Amelio twins
I'll wait..
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How old will I be when the Vikings finally win a Super Bowl?
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Man hit .217 in Double-A NINETEEN years ago. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
@hittingguru7
I said this a few weeks ago and I bet you’d agree. Give us each a couple months in the cage and to get in shape and we’d both be one of the better hitters on almost any MLB team, even at our age
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OMG the Twins’ home run celebration includes a fishing pole and a vest that says “Land of 10,000 Rakes”
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Daycare provider: “Your daughter has started throwing things.”
*simultaneously*
Wife: “I’m so sorry!”
Me: “Is she using her left hand!?!”
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@jaketapper
"I love this Pat Tillman biography. I'm going to stop with a few chapters left so I can savor them."
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BREAKING: I’m ok with paying for other children to eat
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The Twins really got Joe Ryan for two months of Nelson Cruz. Whew.
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I realize the Bears are down bad at receiver but holding tryouts at halftime? Show some class.
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You know you could also mention the ACTUAL TEAM WHO SCORED THOSE RUNS
YANKEES GAVE UP NINE RUNS IN THE FIRST INNING AT HOME 😳
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The CDC says...nothing you idiots. The CDC's dead. It's locked in my basement. Haha.
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need to know when the banner raising ceremony is so i can get tickets
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Much funnier if read literally.
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Like am I wrong? The pedo is being incredibly racist here, no?
Pete Rose has some thoughts on the Shohei/Ippei saga
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I want to apologize to every member of the Seattle Mariners organization, especially to our players and to our fans. There is no excuse for my behavior, as there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos and that'll be a home run. And so that'll make it a 4-0 ballgame. I don'
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*Josh Donaldson trots over from third base to the mound*
"Hand's not sticky anymore."
*MLB's first ever bench-clearing one-team brawl ensues*
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Emilio Pagan is going to give up a homer to Kiner-Falefa just so we all have something to laugh about
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Your Everson Griffen jokes aren’t funny. Mental illness is real, and doesn’t give a crap whether you have 20 cents or $20 million in the bank.
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Vikings tight end Tyler Conklin has more targets (74) this season than the state of Minnesota has Targets (73).
Thank you for your time.
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T.J. Hockenson now takes over the honor of “NFL player to most look like his team’s logo” in NFL history.
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Someone’s gonna have to explain to me why “Let’s Go Brandon” is so funny because it feels to me like sixth graders devising a system to “swear” in front of the teacher.
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It’s wild how much less endearing Kirk Cousins is when he’s not on your team anymore
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If I owned an MLB team, I'd go with the opposite of the Yankees. You MUST grow a beard. If you can't, one will be provided for you.
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Deleting Facebook so I can keep up with my high school friends the old fashioned way (not keeping up with them at all).
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Pay 👏
Your 👏
Minor 👏
Leaguers 👏
This was apparently shown on the NESN broadcast tonight.
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