Gareth P Jones
@jonesgarethp
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Award winning school visiting kids author/scriptwriter/composer/performer/EP Thornthwaite Inheritance, Solve Your Own Mystery, Death or Ice Cream, Rabunzel etc
SE23, London
Joined May 2010
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All aboard for the 4th & final in the Solve Your Own Mystery series, The Transylvanian Express, PUBLISHED TODAY. This is the trailer & song, featuring artwork by
@Munkey_Pants
, words & music by me.
Published by
@LittleTigerUK
Available to order & buy from all good bookshops.
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For the record, I don't usually know where Kate Middleton is so this is all very much a standard Tuesday for me,
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I only realised my daughter was misreading the gingerbread man recipe when she announced that we needed "either one or four teaspoons of salt." I looked & saw that we needed 1/4 tsp of salt. By this point I had already added one or two teaspoons of ginger, mixed spice & cinnamon.
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I live in Sadiq Khan's London & the doorbell just rang twice. First, a neighbour asking if she could take a sprig of our rosemary as she uses it to keep her blood pressure down. Then another asking if I could help open a jar of Calpol. It's an absolute hellscape out there.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he'd wished for. He replied, "I misunderstood & wished for a puppy."
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Yep. I'm the guy who used find + replace to turn 'king' into 'emperor' without choosing 'whole words only' essentially maemperor my book into a fucemperor mess.
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Lisa came back from pottery last night having made 2 mugs so I'm starting the day drinking coffee from one of them.
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I see David Walliams is on Who Do You Think You Are? I'm guessing the answer is Roald Dahl.
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It's dress up day tomorrow at daughter's school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends - who likes to think outside the box - is going as an oar.
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My daughter was telling me the other day that BC is easy to remember because it's Before Christ, but AD is harder because it's in Latin. Instead, she says After Donkey, because it's after the bit when Jesus rode on a donkey. Good system.
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No. Twitter appears to be trending because Elon Musk is asking whether X is a better name - which obviously it isn't. As far as I'm concerned as long as it says twitter in the URL it'll be Twitter. Thanks to Billy Joel for helping out with this song.
#ScrollTheMusical
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My son has now taken to carrying an uno reverse card in his pocket at school. Apparently it works on insults, cusses and casual corridor assaults. He holds it up and they back off. He assures me this is a real thing.
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One time when I had an actual job job, I was buying a sausage sandwich & I made a 'Well, it's almost the weekend' comment & the sausage sandwich seller said, 'You don't want to wish your life away, mate.' And it stopped me in my tracks & I've never said anything like that again.
Keep seeing these ‘is it STILL January’ tweets but all you’ve got to do is live with a crushing sense of life’s brevity and your time running out to leave even a faint mark on the world and, I tell you what, Jan flies by just like the rest of them.
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My son tells me he's spent the last 6 years dreaming about the day when he would be able to sit a bench in assembly rather than cross legged on the floor. Then Covid strikes and it's no more assemblies. What's even the point of year 6 without the smug bench superiority?
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Due to new government guidelines, the Secret Seven have confirmed they are loaning one of their members to the Famous Five so that both comply with the new Rule of 6.
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My son's on a school trip next week & one of the things he's been advised to take is a disposable camera, presumably because he's on a trip to 1996.
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My kids have reminded me that when Jesus came back from the dead his friends didn't recognise him because he looked like someone else. Its a good detail but it has got me wondering if there could be any other explanation of what happened.
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Lots of people drawing a parallel between Boaty McBoatface and Brexit. I'm suggesting a compromise in which we go with the hilarious boat name but drop the ridiculously damaging nationalism. Deal? Deal. Great. Let's move forward with this.
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@emily_murnane
I remember when you used to get stickers on these ones from the chemist letting you know that it wasn't their fault.
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Just had a chat with another parent at the school gates. She asked what I was up to today. "Oh, you know. Sitting around trying to write. I'll probably write a song. What about you?"
"I'm choreographing the UK Eurovision entry."
Now, that's cool, right?
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I spend more time worrying about what George Ezra means by 'homegrown alligator' than I really should. Is it a metaphor or an actual alligator that he has grown at home. Did he have a kit? Are you allowed to grow alligators at home?
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Luckily the parent who bought my son a Walliams book for his birthday is a chef so I'm buying his son a McDonalds Happy Meal for his birthday.
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Here's the moment yesterday when a man walking his dog found me dancing in the park.
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Little did I know at the time but having a picture shown in Tony Hart's gallery would be the pinnacle of my career as an artist. It was all downhill from there.
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Wonderful effort from
#Gove
for
#ChildreninNeed
. He's pledged to talk absolute rubbish for an entire month without once pausing to reflect on how blackened his soul has become. So far he's raised millions of pounds, all of which goes straight to Tory Party funds.
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Due to a one letter typo, my new life motto is that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger.
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@mjstevens1
Jesus, you're right. That is an accurate account of today's double doorbell ordeal.
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I was just in the supermarket where I once saw Miles Jupp by the tonic water. If you have a similarly thrilling 'celebrity in the supermarket' anecdote I'd love to hear it. Who did you see in which aisle?
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I received a lovely email from a fan this morning, telling me that my books had helped them through lockdown. This is my favourite sentence:
"I'm happy there are authors like you who are weird, creative and humorous."
Weird, creative & humorous. May that be said of all of us.
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Having spotted a takeaway called The Spice Grills, I am now thinking of opening a teashop called The Rolling Scones. Any other suggestions gratefully received.
#PopShops
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A friend of mine is always extremely well dressed. He recently explained his reason. If he suddenly drops dead & becomes a ghost, he's aware he'll be stuck in those clothes forever. In other words, every day he dresses for eternity.
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I'm not normally a big fan of parents WhatsApp groups, but I've just been sent these messages from a parents WhatsApp group about a recent author visit paid for & organised by the PTA.
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Oo, just got an offer on a picture book that I'd kind of given up on. Exciting.
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@AshiLockie
We're such a bad combination when it comes to baking. I'm slapdash & she's not yet learned how to follow instructions.
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Are there any primary schools who would be interested in being sent to a link to be viewed on 7th March, WBD, with a 5-minute video from me, setting your pupils a writing challenge & offering a chance to win a few books. (I'm not sure so just seeing if this idea has legs.)
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To those upset about losing out on Peter Kay tickets, I'm available & willing to come round your house and remember things at you for a small booking fee.
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I believe that Julian Clary has been trending all day because of people who believe they should have a say in who presents a TV show about dogs. I mean, we didn't even get to choose our last two Prime Ministers, but OK.
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Today's song is called Bill Nighy. It's 23 seconds long & it features guitar & voice, and photos & videos shared by
@ElliottBlackwe3
@dieworkwear
@jfnephlolz
.
#ScrollTheMusical
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You were all so kind about Lisa's pottery efforts. My 9 year old daughter attended a pottery party recently. This is the resulting pottery.
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In summary:
Level 1: Hey, remember Covid19?
Level 2: Is that Covid thing still going on?
Level 3: Christ! When will this end?
Level 4: Seriously, a lot of people are still dying
Level 5: Ah! it's the zombie apocolypse!
I feel much better that we're still on 4.
#BorisSpeech
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Anyone figured out what coat weather we're onto now?
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Just checking, we're on Christmas drinking now, right? Once you're in the December 20s, that's Christmas drinking I think.
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In case you need to see something joyous this Monday afternoon, here is a picture of my daughter holding a baby duckling.
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Woke up today to find world still on fire and now teetering on brink of war... and something about someone saying
#Sharon
. 2020 is going well then.
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I decided not to bother tweeting my Elaine Paige joke.
Why? Wasn't it good?
Oh, so good.
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My daughter has a memory box where keeps drawings, photos & precious things. She can't remember the word 'memory' though so she calls it her remembery box. Remembery is now my word of the day.
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I can't tell you how, but the opening to Jamie Oliver's debut celebrity children novel, Billy & the Giant Adventure (great title, well done) has fallen into my hands. Take a look. Pretty standard quality & style for celebrity children's book, but I certainly want to keep reading.
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@MaryAliceEvans
My wife is threatening to buy everyone in the family onesies... she knows full well my distaste for the onesie, but I may have to readjust my views.
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So, here it is. The message is
#ChooseBookshops
. I really hope you all enjoy this musical ray of sunshine. Please do share it and help spread the message to buy books from bookshops! Thanks to everyone who made this. Have a Lovely Day!
#FridayFeeling
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How lovely. My daughter is hand making Christmas decorations. This one's for her Grandparents.
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My daughter wants me to let you know of her friend's previous costumes.
Theme: Stone Age
Costume: Camp Fire
Theme: Iron Age
Costume: A Pot
Theme: Volcanos
Costume: A sign saying "Volcano - This Way"
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He regretted everything.
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Youngest was upset that the tooth fairy forgot to deliver last night. Eldest explained that probably a lot of kids lost teeth yesterday so she couldn't get round them all in one night. "Give her a break," he said. "I mean, she's not Santa."
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It is a bit weird that writing books for kids has become an accepted supplementary income for millionaires. Can't they make socks or something?
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@cupidstunt08
My absolute favourite funny name is Jenny Taylor, because it's subtle but, once you get it, very funny. I used to work with a female Jenny Taylor & it never ceased to amuse me.
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It's my dad's 80th birthday party today. This is us dancing in the garden back in May 2021. Not sure if there will be dancing today but hopefully. My dad's tip on how to dance is "Don't bother listening to the music."
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I mean, what are the chances?
Wordle 221 6/6
⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
⬜⬜⬜⬜🟩
⬜⬜⬜🟩🟩
⬜⬜🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
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"But I'm Boris Johnson. You can plainly see that. Why do would you need ID when you can see I'm Boris Johnson?"
"Because of your law, Boris Johnson."
"I didn't bring it in for people like me."
"That does seem to be something of a theme for your laws."
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#DragonDetective
: Sky High! is published TODAY so I've made this cheerful little musical video. I'd love to get word out so, let's try this, if I can get - let's say - 200 likes I'll send one of you a signed copy. Then another for every 200 likes.
Oh, this will never work.
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I've written two words today. One of them is Chapter. The other is One.
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To mark the publication of Jamie Oliver's children's book I think we should all share our laziest/most derivative recipes. If we could get enough we could publish them as a cookbook.
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I seem to have picked up a few new followers yesterday, presumably hungry for more quality dancing so here is the uncut video of me & my dad dancing last weekend. For more
#dailydances
follow me on instagram.
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In fairness, we're better at making songs than cakes.
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Celebrity is power. Authors who are famous for being on telly have more sales power than those who are not so, no matter how noble their intention when writing a book, once it is published, they chase other authors out of bookshops & out of literary festivals.
#NationalAuthorsDay
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Lots of images of lions being shared with the hashtag
#ProudToBeEnglish
. Did you know the lion is actually the only animal that is native to the British Isles. All other animals (rabbits, spiders, horses) were imported. Here we see one such lion in its natural habitat of the bus.
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I was so moved by Penny Mordaunt's speech that I've turned it into a song called Stand Up & Fight. I improvised the music around her words, which interestingly turned out to be in the key of E major.
This is how that sounds.
#ScrollTheMusical
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Yesterday, during a conversation with my mum, my dad grabbed the phone & said, "Gareth? Mermaids can't breathe underwater. They don't have gills. No one thinks about that. Here's your mother," then he handed the phone back to my mum.
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I don't know whether you've reached this stage of 2020 yet, but last night Lisa and I got dressed up in each other's wedding outfits. My son took the picture. I said to him, you'll never forget the day your dad came downstairs in your mother's wedding dress.
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15 years ago today my 1st book was published. 40+ books later I feel proud, lucky & grateful to still be here. And yes, I've spent all day trying to come up with an interesting way to say. And no, I haven't managed it. And yes, if I knew then what I know now. But mostly thanks.
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Yesterday, a bookselling friend pointed out that my book 'The Thornthwaite Inheritance' is on its 21st print run, which isn't bad for a 12 year old book about twins trying to kill each other.
@KidsBloomsbury
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This week sees the publication of my 4th picture book. It's the first one I've written about a lion & also the first illustrated by a Jeff. If you would like a chance to WIN a FREE SIGNED copy, simply ♥️, RT & follow & I'll lob your name into the lion's hat.
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I think my favourite question from yesterday's school visit was this:
How would you draw an invisible man?
Anyone?
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Every morning, after school drop off I pick a big juicy dandelion for my tortoise, making me look like the world's cheapest romantic. He appreciates it though.
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Rabunzel is unleashed today! Wonderfully illustrated by
@Loretta_Schauer
& published by
@egmontbooksuk
& I hope it soars like a kung fu bunny. My dedication is to my daughter but I should also thank my mum for bringing me up a feminist.
@lesleyJ38334958
And please do like & RT!
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Mr Trentham is now trending because people are repeatedly telling Mr Trentham that Mr Trentham is trending. I see no way out of this situation now. I think Mr Trentham may have broken twitter forever. Well done Mr Trentham. You are the hero we needed.
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If I'd known this tweet was going to prove so popular I'd have mentioned that the book is the 3rd in my brand new series, Solve your Own Mystery, the first of which is published in August & illustrated by
@Munkey_Pants
.
But I didn't so I didn't.
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Well done to the BBC for a tremendous Glastonbury weekend. At a time when we so badly need to find ways to come together & see the world in a positive light this is public broadcasting at its best.
@laurenlaverne
@Markradcliffe
@jowhiley
@bbcglasto
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@Engineer4Health
They're delicious but I wouldn't want them professionally assessed by Mary Berry.
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I signed a book contract today but, these days, that's not a whole signing with a pen thing but more of a clicking on the signature button on the e-contract so here's a picture of me doing that.
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Wow. The children's bestsellers list makes for depressing reading. We would never stand for such a narrow selection of authors/brands if those reading the books were the ones buying the books. Young readers deserve better.
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I heard Barry Humphries recently saying that in interactions with the audience, rather than asking the tired old question, "What do you do?" he asks things like "Are you disappointed in your children?"
Proper legend.
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Next time you see a children's book written by someone more famous for doing other things, ask yourself whether you think this person would be better than you at your job. If yes, buy the book! If no, maybe try a book written by a children's author.
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It is 12 years since my first book was published. 37 books later, I am still here. A heartfelt thanks to all who have helped me get this far. 4 more books out this year then, next year, I become a difficult writing teenager.
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Yesterday, another box was ticked on my author bucket list. OK so I may not have a WBD book, but Rabunzel featured as a question on ITV's The Chase.
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Due to the puppet strike, today's tune is an instrumental. I wasn't sure what to do about pictures, so I checked
@Karlwheel
's feed for inspiration & found this marvellous artwork & animation by
@JonCarling
.
#ScrollTheMusical
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Someone I went to school with & haven't seen or heard from in over 30 years just contacted me on the old book of faces to thank me for writing this series because they have finally got her Year 5 reluctant reader son into reading. It's not all bad, this struggling writer's life.
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No one says Oggy Oggy Oggy Oih Oih Oih anymore. Back in the 80s you couldn't step out of the house without hearing Oggy Oggy Oggy Oih Oih OIh. These days, try shouting Oggy Oggy Oggy. Folk look at you like you've lost your mind.
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