Sara Schonfeld
@SaraSchon
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Editor @HarperChildrens and @HarperTeen . Author of BIRTHDAY ON MARS! Rep @marchsoloway . I tweet about bad dates, good books, and my own opinions.
New York, NY
Joined July 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
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On a first date, my Bumble match declared, “I have gout.” To which I nodded sagely and, in attempt to make things less weird, said, “Just like Ben Franklin.” Looking back, I have no notes. I did my best.
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I had a therapist who once told me, “if you don’t schedule a break, your body will take one for you. And it probably won’t be at a convenient time.”
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I asked a guy on a second date what his love language was and he just sighed and went “I guess when people offer to read the novel I’m working on and give me helpful, industry-specific feedback.” And then he smiled at me like that was a normal thing to say.
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guy I’ve been seeing for a couple months just orchestrated a breakup outside the restaurant where we had our dinner reservation so I stood in the rain in 6” heels while he told me all the reasons he didn’t want to be with me & all I kept thinking was “this could have been a text”
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managed to wedge one of my glass tupperwares insides it’s twin and my hands aren’t big/strong enough to pry them apart so I will be asking every guy I invite over to try to separate them. whoever succeeds will be crowned my boyfriend, like King Arthur.
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just went on a date with a guy whose job was to light the Rockefeller tree. is this my Hallmark Christmas movie moment??
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- because he was “so busy” we’d only been on five or so dates, so this level of drama was deeply unnecessary
- I wanted dumplings, I got dumped, so I got tacos instead
- funniest reply goes to the guy who ghosted me months ago and just texted today to say “congratulations!”
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Me quickly summarizing my tragic backstory to my new therapist to give her context for my current problems
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@jmkurtenbach
You’re so right but hey at least I got to look him in the eye while he subtly insulted me 😂
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@jd_liss
I think I actually laughed and said “well normally I charge a lot for that” and to be fair I am also incredibly awkward and it was a strange thing for me to say, too 🙈
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A man on a dating app asked me to dominate him so I gave him harsh editorial feedback for the writing on his profile and he unmatched me
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@MaryKoCo
This is really funny because I recently met up with a guy named Bryan from Bumble and he revealed that wasn’t actually his name and my whole life flashed before my eyes.
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Amelia Bedelia introduced generations to malicious compliance and is a working class hero
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@fox_e_laurence
Yeah! I mean if it had been longer I think meeting in person is nice. And I know he meant well. But I just spent two hours getting ready and I didn’t even get any dinner 🤡
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@maureenjohnson
Maureen one day I am bursting into your apartment mid-rant and commandeering your dog as an emotional support animal
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on a date trying to make conversation over the drink menu, saying how great everything sounds—what’s in this? is “monkey shoulder” a type of liquor? date just stares
wordlessly, bartender thunks a bottle of monkey shoulder between us. pushes hair out of his face. whisks away.
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last night my date brought me back to his apartment and when I saw the guitar prominently displayed in his living room I just cackled for about five minutes and I’m not sure but I think he saw the evening going differently anyway the Barbie movie really is healing
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what’s a good christmas song for that feeling of when your dad comes to visit and immediately gets admitted to the ER and you spend the week with him there and then on Christmas Eve eve he gets rushed to emergency surgery so you call your family and coordinate their travel but
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@d_k_lawhorn
Yes 🥴 and then he went on to explain his mom had beta read for him, and found the female characters lacking 🙃
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@erniechiara
I do sometimes wish we could leave reviews on people on dating apps. Of course then I realize what that would be like and 🥴
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I’ll be offline today for some medical stuff. Taking care of myself. 💙 hoping to be back online tomorrow
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@svershbow
oh do I have a story (I found out Bumble not only paywalled the cutest nerd who loves books and board games . . . but he was also literally a billionaire. Like, Wikipedia page-having, campus at Harvard named, owning a basketball team billionaire.)
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I recommended a book on a date and the next day he sent me a picture of him reading the book and yes that’s my love language 💕
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The 5 common mistakes I see authors make when writing banter, especially in romcoms:
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By age thirty you should have seventy unread books in strategic piles around your home, a nemesis from your early twenties who probably doesn’t remember your name, and heartburn.
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A man on a dating app just asked if I “considered myself a reader” despite it saying on my profile that I edit books for a living, so either he has terrible reading comprehension or I’m about to learn what it “actually” means to be “a reader.”
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@AmyNelder
I believe he was like “ah you went to Penn right” and then started talking about his medical degree. We were all good after we got through that 😅
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is this what it’s come to? is effort now considered a red flag?
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when I saw this headline I fell to my knees and screamed so loud in jealousy that she could probably hear me all the way across the East River
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thank you to the authors who took a chance on me thank you to the mentors who took me under their wing thank you to the colleagues who grew with me thank you to the agents who trusted me with their clients’ work
thank you to the nine years I never gave up and dreamed of this
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you’re feeling awful from the stress and the cold and the buses so you go home and test positive for Covid so now your family will be together just a few blocks away but you can’t be with them because you have the plague so you’ll be alone for Christmas
anyone know that song?
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If you're here for the editing content, figured I'd promo my new podcast with my sister. We talk books and publishing and NOT dating or whether love languages are a thing or not
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One thing I’ve noticed when editing an author’s first book: they often want to put in everything. Every idea, every literary tool, every theme, EVERYTHING.
A 🧵on self-editing:
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I’m cackling. A man dumped me in a kind of silly way and I just put him on trial in front of 4 million people. I feel like a Batman villain.
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Thanks to everyone for the well wishes 💙 it helps to feel less alone!
And while my eyeball is still not thrilled with me, I’m glad to be back to reading! (With more breaks, definitely 😊)
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Two years ago I was dating a guy I really liked. As we started emerging from lockdown, I asked him to be exclusive and he said he didn’t want that, so we parted ways.
I just saw his engagement photos on Instagram.
A reminder: The “with you” is silent.
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The one thing that The Proposal (2009) got really right about publishing was how the only way Andrew could stay an assistant so long was having a rich family
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oh, you’re a writer? okay. write something. right now.
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what’s more embarrassing: the fact that I did this, the fact that it’s been weeks, or the autocorrect typo 😂
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Got separated from my friends after Hadestown because we all walked straight out and didn’t look back. At least we learned something.
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To every author who is feeling insecure about agents/editors reading their manuscript for the umpteenth time: This is exactly what we signed up for. And we fall more in love with every read.
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Dude at the airport chats me up about my luggage, says he’s going to NYC, too, asks me to be his tour guide. I blink. “I already have a job.” Walk away. Realize what just happened. And that we are going to the same gate. Pretend to text. Send this tweet instead.
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let’s talk about schedules, from someone who’s been an editor for almost a decade.
what any author should know about why almost everyone misses their deadlines:
🧵1/8
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went to meet my date and he was sitting in the far corner of the bar, a bloody wad of toilet paper pressed to his upper lip
when I tell you I had to physically fight myself not to growl “who did this to you” and gently cup his bleeding face—
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if I see a YA at a bookstore that looks fun, I immediately check the acknowledgements to see which agent didn’t send it to me
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5 some ways to turn up the volume on a “quiet” draft without changing the premise:
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Writing is terrible. The only thing more terrible than writing, unfortunately, is not writing.
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Today two different authors in very different stages of their careers confessed to deep imposter syndrome. So, as an industry professional, I’m here to make it official. You write? You’re an author. Be proud. You’re incredible. Now go write some more. I can’t wait to read it. 💙
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me receiving yet another email that has words in it and questions and maybe even an attachment
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@priscillagilman
I gotta laugh about it. We went on a handful of dates and mostly I’m upset because now I can’t have fried rice for dinner 😂
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@DruvBhagavan
I don’t currently have a toddler but this can be part of the boyfriend plan if I play the long game
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With summer hitting, it’s time for me to go on dating hiatus again. But because I love some statistics, here are my numbers for the first half of 2023:
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happy halloween this year I’m dressing up as the girl in the first five minutes of a romcom, a single thirty-something hopeless romantic living in NY and working in media, moments away from her meetcute
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@JPFreire
RedFarm! It’s amazing. I will go back as soon as the embarrassment of my public dumping fades from the community’s memory
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📢I'm moving imprints!
After four years at Katherine Tegen Books, I'm joining the flagship group, Harper Children's and HarperTeen!
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After 50 days on strike with no word from HarperCollins, I’m opening up more slots in my freelance work. I offer query letter packages, editorial assessments, and more!
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The term “shitty first drafts” is actually a misnomer. Many of us, like me, have shitty second and third drafts, too.
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Asked a first date last night to his face about why plummeting to the earth for skydiving is easier than falling in love and he barely took a beat before replying, “Love doesn’t come with a parachute.”
All these men on dating apps post photos of them skydiving and then don’t message back. So you’d rather fall out of a plane than fall in love with me? Ok.
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inside your head there are two voices. one understands that publishing is slow and says be patient. the other is Veruca Salt.
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After six years as an assistant, I’ve finally earned a new title: associate.
I spend all day with words, and this one means so much to me. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, and can’t wait for all that’s TK with Team KT!
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I can message everyone “heyyyy” but I prefer to send personalized questions and the occasional cheesy pickup line, which yes, may inadvertently invite this response, but I did not expect him to write several paragraphs on it, more to be like “I like puns” or “I hate dad jokes.”
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1. Don’t telegraph your punchlines.
Often with banter, Char A has to tee up so Char B can quip. But authors often seem to forget that A doesn’t know what B is going to say.
A’s dialogue has to stand alone. Is that line something someone would say? Does it make sense on its own?
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I’ve been dating in NYC for over a decade and haven’t made a single impression on a man. Addie LaRue isn’t special.
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Decided to be brave and go for a kiss on a first date and guy straight up wrapped his hand around my throat and I just thought “well, at least they have a tweet to include on the news”
“This could be your last first date” either means I’m going to meet my husband OR a serial killer, which is one of the reasons online dating is so thrilling you really just don’t know
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“This could be your last first date” either means I’m going to meet my husband OR a serial killer, which is one of the reasons online dating is so thrilling you really just don’t know
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@mattr1682
Ugh I’m sorry you went through that! But that is a very funny thing to say 😅 if I was your doctor I would have laughed for sure. I hope it gets easier!
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Things that people do in books a lot that they don’t do as much in real life:
- address people by name/title
- let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding
- wink
- fall in love
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when I say I’m sharing a manuscript with the team, this is what I mean
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good thing too because, as he quickly explained, he had cut himself shaving, and while I’ve made a fool of myself on plenty of dates, requesting to fist-fight his razor would have been a new low
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for my literal job as an editor I get to read about characters falling in love, so when you think about it, even though I’ve never been more single, I get to fall in love—as someone else, with someone else—every day of the week
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@jonesgarethp
Gareth I really needed that laugh 😂😂😂 I am cackling this is incredible thank you
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I miss emailing authors with too many exclamation points & falling head-over-heels reading & nailing a presentation & making copy sing & getting to share good news &—
this is why I’m on strike, so I can do this and anyone can have a chance to do this, but I miss it and it sucks.
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3. 2018 called. They want their joke back.
Books take a long time to make. Like, 5 years. If your joke relies on topical references or even brands, it can easily be dated. Better to make your own set ups than have a joke that won’t make sense by the time it reaches readers.
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5. Nothing is funny to everyone.
Humor is so, so subjective. Don’t try to make everyone laugh. It’s impossible! There are people who hate puns; who won’t get your reference; who will think you’re being immature. It’s okay! Write what makes YOU laugh and have fun!!
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Dear agents—
Now that the strike has ended, I'm so excited to reconnect with you and find that project together!
Here's some information about how that could look:
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y’all Akon and T-Pain warned me about this but I was not ready
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Things that happened on my date last night:
- got a lettuce leaf stuck in my teeth and then smiled
- almost got run over
- accidentally mentioned to my date that I had pet rabbits growing up while he was eating rabbit
- tossed steak knife at waiter (sorry)
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For anyone who needs to hear it, take it from an editor who is also trying to write her first novel:
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Not to brag but I finally got a guy to say “I love you” 💁♀️ then this message came through
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As of today, I’ve been an assistant for eight years! I’ve put my time in, made a lot of mistakes, and learned even more. Here’s what wished I had known when I started as an editorial assistant in 2015:
🧵
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@rachelsklar
We literally went on five dates because he was “so busy” and I almost laughed in his face at this level of drama. And then I went and got tacos. We all deserve an amazing fall after the shenanigans of this summer . . .
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If you give an author a blank word document, they’re going to want a cup of tea to go with it.
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I set aside the weekend to do some serious revisions and a final read-through of the novel I’ve been writing for two years
so of course the first step is cleaning my entire apartment
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@JenR8nX
Dating has made me realize that some people view dates as transactions, and that makes me feel 😖🥴🤢 I hope you have/had better dates after that!
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Last night I dreamt that Harper sent me undercover to our paper supplier to see what was causing paper shortages/printing delays.
The company, I quickly learned, was Dunder Mifflin. Everyone knew I was a spy except Michael Scott, who ended up being the reason for the delays.
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Gonna mute because I’m tired but those just joining us:
I (an editor) was on an early date with a guy (a life coach) and he wanted to talk deep relationship topics and he may have (accidentally?) asked me for edit his book for free.
Thanks and goodnight.
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on my date today walking through Central Park we saw two couples get engaged so I turned to my date and said “hey, rules of threes.” which, for the record, would have been a great way of proposing, if I had a ring and it hadn’t been our second date.
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