a susan sort of sarah
@elizabethbelsky
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Mount Rose American Teen Princess '99
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Girls when they randomly run into a friend in public:
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I am once again thinking about how if Taylor Swift moves to Missouri for Travis Kelce it will literally be the plot of Gone Girl. You can't take an insane blonde who loves cryptic scavenger hunts out of the NY metro area! There will be a body count!
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OH MY GOD THAT'S LITERALLY THE POINT. THAT IS LITERALLY. THE POINT. THAT CREDIBLE ALLEGATIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SHOULD, ACTUALLY, "FINISH" NOMINATIONS TO TOP-LEVEL GOVERNMENT POSITIONS, YES.
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My little personal project of the month: reimagining modern horror films as trade paperbacks from the '70s and '80s. (Shoutout to
@grady_hendrix
's PAPERBACKS FROM HELL for the inspiration.) It is... fun.
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This is almost as bad as that one kid who called Fun Home "bury your gays" because Alison Bechdel's gay dad committed suicide in real life.
the damage that "bury your gays" has done to a generation of queer audiences cannot be understated lol
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"I find that statistic so overwhelming, I have to forget about it just to get through my day. But you can't forget about it, right? The truth is that rampant violence against women's bodies is underneath everything, all the time, humming."
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Honestly, I think it’s hilarious when J.K. Rowling randomly announces her weird personal headcanons about how Professor Flitwick had a background in porn or whatever, and if I were her I’d absolutely be doing the same thing.
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Thinking about her (the "Sex Crimes" softball team shirt from SVU)
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No one is allowed to say they had a good 2018 except for the Queer Eye guys.
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I'm 100% sure my grandma had both of these on her bookshelves in the early 90s.
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@megsokay
This is why I will always stan Antoine and Marie Lavoisier! Not just my favorite painting at the Met, but he recognized her as an equal contributor to his scientific work and she became his lab assistant and partner. They loved each other and were both geniuses!!!
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Okay, two more. I absolutely couldn't resist leaning into the '70s vibes here. (I know JJ Abrams didn't direct Cloverfield, but I think most people remember it as a JJ Abrams property.)
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you: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
me, brain hopelessly warped by years online: Archive of Our Cortez
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Saw Vincent D'Onofrio trending and got excited but apparently it's some Marvel bullshit and not because of the pig tilting tweet
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Hot take but people with eating disorders do not have to be activists when making art influenced by their own lived experiences
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I'm starting to think it was a bad idea to create an industry that often requires years of unpaid internships, freelancing, and alumni connections just to get a $40k job at a website, and then obsessively elevate the voices of the people who succeeded under those conditions.
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Oh my god this blew up?! I can't sell prints because I don't own the production stills I used for the art, but if you want to make your own, here are high-res PDFs for these and a few extras...
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Since I guess you're all here now, in lieu of a Soundcloud link, please make sure you're registered to vote in the midterms (and if you didn't vote in a primary, you better check just in case):
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@angelicabastien
I know people generally only remember the pooping scene from Bridesmaids but Kristen Wiig's character is one of my favorite portrayals of lowkey, "probably not gonna kms but still hurts to exist" depression in recent history
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Woof, this blew up. If you're here to explain queerbaiting and representation to me, please know that I'm a queer woman writer trying to sell a novel with actual queer themes in it, so I'm good. Just remember: Albus Dumbledore is REAL and he FUCKS.
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Can't wait for the video of Hillary beating up Anthony Weiner in an elevator while Huma stands by with an eerie smile.
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*arya stark voice*
✅ Flynn
✅ Milo
✅ Sessions
◻️ DeVos
◻️ Conway
◻️ Spicer
◻️ Ryan
◻️ McConnell
◻️ Bannon
◻️ Tillerson
◻️ Pence
◻️ Trump
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I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE EMAILS FACTORY TODAY
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@Experience_Jeff
@calebsaysthings
Baseball broadcasters will literally just say anything. Once zoned out during a game and came back to Joe Davis orating on the history of sumo wrestling
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@megsokay
For real though I would watch an 8-hour miniseries about their marriage. It has everything: scientific breakthroughs, feminism, the guillotine! (Also they were chemists so some kind of “chemistry” title is a gimme!)
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@jduffyrice
I'm going to be mad about how the pandemic ended this show pretty much for the rest of my life.
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Taylor Swift as Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: a thread
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@KelleySilver
@swimmingfishes
@emilynussbaum
But like, you know. He doesn’t have a car. So he’s always waiting for the bus. Hence, bus stop.
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I don’t think we talk enough about how Betty Who carried us during the Carly Rae Jepsen drought of 2016-2019. Name a more satisfying pop song than “Just Thought You Should Know” from the past few years. She’s the best of CRJ and Robyn in one package.
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Ben Affleck is MY people's princess: divorced, depressed, can't drive, always carrying around a huge iced coffee
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Give him a lifetime achievement award right now.
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@carolineframke
Once saw the UCB4 ask for show of hands by people who’d been sexually assaulted by Dick and those who’d ridden an elephant. First group won.
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@megsokay
It's a lot easier to "do better" when everyone has six feet around them at all time and also state politics aren't a battle of egos between a qualified governor and a hopped-up mayor.
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You've heard of Elf on the Shelf; now get ready for baby goat on the capybara!!!!
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The West Wing reboot could just be an hour a week of Josh Lyman yelling at people on Twitter and I would watch every episode
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@AuthorGaylord
I was at least 5 or 6 when I discovered that what my parents had sold to me as “ice cream” was actually, uh, fucking Danimals yogurt
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Ladies, if he:
- leaves you on read
- doesn't watch your Insta stories
- weighs up to 1,000 pounds at his fighting weight
- spends all summer eating thousands of salmon from the Brooks River
He's not your man. He's 480 Otis, three-time Fat Bear Week champ
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Kind of feels like we're in the part of In the Air Tonight when the drums come in
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@DantonSix
At 14 I was a Jane who aspired to be a Catherine. At 29 I've accepted that I'm the madwoman in the attic.
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ME ON MY FIRST DAY AS MARKETING MANAGER AT THE MONTEREY BAY AQUARIUM: step one: pivot to digital. what do people want?? fun squid facts in bite-sized audio snippets. I call it.... The Cephalopodcast
THEM: you’re fired
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Man, between The Lone Ranger and After Earth tanking so hard this summer, maybe it's time to accept that men just can't open movies!
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'dja hear about this uh, Elon Must thing? Yeah he's sayin, he's sayin we can't even tweet about the Jets anymore
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Ivanka Trump is like every other Woody Allen movie: it's begging to be taken seriously, but you just can't mentally divorce it from the uncomfortable father-daughter relationship.
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@missmiscreant
@lanikaps
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
BUT THIS THING WAS A MASTERPIECE BEFORE YOU TORE IT ALL UP
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The Pod Save America guys should host the Oscars and just spend the entire monologue making visibly irritated celebrities participate in a 2020 primary draft pick. Nobody would have fun. “We thought it was the other Jon Favreau,” the Academy would say. Y’all would deserve it.
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@Nicole_Cliffe
Also my friend's mom used to tell him and his sister that the backwards R on the Toys R Us sign meant the store was closed.
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Everyone lost their mind trying to cast different actors as Tiger King Dude but there has not been a peep about how Christine Baranski was born to put on 20 bump-its and some terrible makeup to play Gwen Shamblin
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Game of Thrones? More like RAISIN' BRAN hahahahahahahahaha oh my god we spent 8 years waiting to make this joke
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My worst fear as an ugly chick is someone writing an Insta caption about how they're a feminist hero for wanting to bang me now.
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Never a bad time to remember this anecdote about Gilda Radner sucker-punching Woody Allen
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Tired: The West Wing is a smug liberal fantasy and rebooting it would be the pinnacle of Hollywood navel-gazing while Rome burns
Wired: Who among us is not so horny for 2018 Bradley Whitford
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@Nicole_Cliffe
He was genuinely offended by my having opinions that contradicted his, like “feminism is necessary” and “Woody Allen is a pedophile.” When he gave me an ultimatum to stop having them or break up, I stopped expressing any opinions whatsoever for six months until I finally cracked.
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Ebola has been in NYC for a week and New Yorkers are terrified of bowling but AIDS has been here for decades and y'all won't wear a condom.
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If Rent took place in 2019, every single one of these people would have a Patreon for their private Instagram account and sell nudes on Venmo, and Maureen would lead scammy "creativity workshops" where you have to sit on the floor the whole time and eat ladles of hummus
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JUSTICE FOR TINA HAKIM BABA WHO WAS A REAL FRIEND AND NOT A FAKE JERK LIKE LILLY
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(•_•)
<) )╯SOME
/ \
\(•_•)
( (> PERSONAL
/ \
(•_•)
<) )> NEWS
/ \
I’m joining the team at Hachette Books as the Senior Marketing Manager and boy, do I have some great books to sell you!
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I can't believe SECOND IMPEACHMENT overtook the single best story of the day, which is that Rudy Giuliani thinks Game of Thrones was... a documentary?
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The responses I'm seeing on here:
I've attached a copy of the full lawsuit in my
#ShiaLaBeouf
story...
Some of the most disturbing allegations (THREAD):
1. Shia got so into character for "The Tax Collector," he'd drive around LA, shooting stray dogs to get into the "mindset" of a killer
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Support female showrunners, writers, and producers, you guys. Don't keep waiting for the Whedons and Greens to write women right.
#binders
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This is like Thinkpiece Bingo with a free space
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I don't dislike Robert Pattinson but it's always been kind of suspicious to me how when he says goofy stuff like this everyone loves him, but when Jennifer Lawrence did it one thousand people wrote thinkpieces about how she was annoying and a Cool Girl.
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Weird how people see "marrying a prince" as aspirational and not a famously terrible job consisting of mind-numbing busywork and getting called a prostitution whore by the Daily Mail for taking off your coat in public, and also you work for your in-laws, who hate you
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@Nicole_Cliffe
As a Russian in America it's like, jesus, the only non-horrible thing we HAVE right now is our superhuman proficiency at ice sports, let us LIVE
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Not to be like "🛴 made points" but if I had a client who was always fucking men in serious relationships and then crying crocodile tears when the public found out and didn't like it, I too would need a vacation by the sixth or seventh time it happened
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I don't know who needs to hear this (r/Dodgers) but there's literally no reason to feel bad for Trevor Bauer. Worst case scenario for him is MLB tells him he's done and he and Aubrey Huff start doing a Deathsquad Network podcast. Fuck him.
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Proud to say I got into Hampden College the old-fashioned way: I transferred in from community college, eavesdropped on the weird classics students, solved a Greek grammatical riddle, badgered the professor to be admitted to his class, murdered a classmate and covered it up.
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Here's an extremely fat kitten for anyone who needs it.
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I have some bad news for this guy about the original cast of Ghostbusters.
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@threeofdiamonds
@OrangePaulp
Andre and Tim Gunn catching the coronavirus at Red Lobster send tweet
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If you’re dating an improv teacher you’re single to me. What’s Kevin gonna do, get a blowjob from a Gallatin sophomore at a house party in Queens and tell you you’re too sensitive and he wants an open relationship before he loses what’s left of his hair?
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Emergency kitten drop, for those who need it.
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Media in 2020 is top-heavy with bigots and racists because it's a structurally unsound industry that disproportionately privileges white people with generational wealth who don't have to worry about private equity layoffs or where their health insurance is coming from next year
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gonna tell my kids this was Elizabeth Warren and the marine
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This is important.
@Aiannucci
@OfficialJLD
@timothycsimons
@ReidScott_
@AnnaChlumsky
@VeepHBO
http://t.co/2zmIU9cw0J
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@McLeemz
It's a vintage one, but Dan Harmon getting Extremely Mad Online at a literal teenager who said "Ryan Murphy's dialogue is streets ahead of yours" and then devoting a whole episode of Community to making fun of the phrase "streets ahead"
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This is basically how I feel about all of The Whale discourse considering that the playwright has also spoken about how it was influenced by his own experiences with binge eating disorder. Things do not have to make you feel good in order to be meaningful.
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how does Billy Eichner have a better hairline than Chris Evans. this is not a complaint this is a gay supremacy thing.
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In every flock of bros, there is a guy known only as "Kevin's Friend."
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I once invited a guy I was friendly with to watch the movie “What If” (about a mutually unrequited crush between two platonic friends starring my actual doppelgänger Zoe Kazan) and it went nowhere yet I thought I might as well be jumping out of a cake wearing a “fuck me” sash
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RT if you've ever been "playfully" sexually harassed or assaulted by a man who deflected blame by going "It was just a joke, jeez, you humorless bitch" when you called him on it
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The most annoying aspect of the "Baby It's Cold Outside is about date rape" discourse is that it's all based on a misinterpretation of one period-typical stock joke. It's like if someone wrote a screed about how the line "Take my wife - please!" refers to human trafficking.
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Aside from being one of the greatest sitcom stars of all time, I'm really struggling to think of anyone who has contributed more to the meme economy than Jessica Walter. Singlehandedly carried the internet on her back for 15 years. Queen shit.
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Referring to men's soccer as "men's soccer" and women's soccer as "soccer."
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