Daddy Go Fish
@daddygofish
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Warning: alcohol leads to kids leads to lots more alcohol.
Joined January 2021
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We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
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my 9yo: don’t you think church would be waaay better if they had a snack bar?
me:
me, later to my wife: don’t you think church would be waaay better if they had a snack bar?
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My wife and I enjoy decorating together: I hang an ornament and then she moves it to a different place and tells me to go make drinks.
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Christmas shopping tip: take a picture of your wife’s side of the bathroom and then go to a beauty shop and ask “got any of this shit?”
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Big news! After 10 years of marriage my wife is letting me hang ornaments on the tree. It’s the back of the tree, but still.
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Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.
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Marriage is amazing because you learn lots of things about yourself. For example, today I learned that my favorite shade of beige curtains is I DON’T CARE PLEASE JUST PICK ONE I’M IN HELL
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My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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I drank my wife’s white claw before my fantasy football draft and now I’m only picking players with cute tushies
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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Can we end the madness already and add a g to the end of orangutan?
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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thank goodness my father-in-law visited today ‘cause I was totally wondering how much everything cost in 1972
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My 7yo: If today is Tuesday, then why isn’t tomorrow Threesday?
Me:
Me, later to my wife: If today is Tuesday, then why isn’t tomorrow Threesday?
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Decided to liven up the scrambled eggs this morning by adding a little spinach. Follow me for more tips on how to ruin an 8yo’s life.
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6 y/o: Why don’t food trucks ever come down our street like ice cream trucks do?
me: 🤔
me, later to my wife: Why don’t food trucks ever come down our street like ice cream trucks do?
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Having company over so gotta change out of my ragged sweatpants and hoodie and put on my good sweatpants and hoodie.
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Having a backyard party but no one has said ‘nice lawn’ so why are these people even here
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my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
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my wife: do you think I look better with or without makeup?
me: me no speaky english
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Swiped my credit card at the gas pump but it said Please Pay Cashier Inside and I thought haha that’s so cute as I drove to another gas station.
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I would’ve been a way happier parent in the 80s when no one cared about sunblock and kids just drank from puddles or whatever
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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my wife bought the healthy crackers so I’m just checking the expiration date to make sure I know when we’ll be throwing these out
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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angry guy at store: fucking stupid motherfucker!
my 7yo: oooooh he said the s-word
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My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea I’ll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.
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It’s a rule that if in-laws are still in your house the morning after Thanksgiving you get to put lots of whiskey in your coffee.
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My 7yo refused to tie his shoes so I joked that someday his wife would need to do it for him, and he responded by naming all the girls in his class that were really good at tying shoes.
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My 7yo is angry and says he’s not talking for the entire weekend but he’s got my wife’s DNA so haha ain’t no way that’s happening.
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My rating system for kids birthday parties:
Beer for parents: 5 stars
No beer for parents: 0 stars
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What did parents do before smart phones like push the swing with both hands or something?
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Parenting is just me bouncing between “go ask Mommy” and “don’t tell Mommy.”
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
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My 7yo brought home a plant that his class grew at school. So I guess I’m handling Part 2 of the lesson which is how plants die.
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me: *enjoying my coffee
8yo: daddy why is there grey in your beard I thought that was only for grandpas?
me: *no longer enjoying my coffee
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My wife’s grocery list has wine listed twice, in case you’re wondering if kids are home for summer break yet.
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my father-in-law and I like to play this game where he asks how much I paid for something and I say a random number and he tells me where to get it cheaper and I drink a bunch of whiskey
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Parenting books don’t prepare you for the first time your kid is able to read public restroom graffiti.
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Trying to convince my 7yo that “debut” is not pronounced “da butt” and it’s not going well.
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me: what happened to your forehead?!
my 9yo: my friend and I had a competition to see who could break more pencils with their head.
me:
9yo: don’t worry I won.
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The lady in front of me at checkout had a bunch of hand-clipped coupons and paid with a check and it was pretty fun spending 45 minutes in 1984.
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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My 7yo pointed out that I served his grilled cheese upside down, if you’re wondering how parenting goes sometimes.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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My 7yo just came out of the bathroom and said ‘I did a number 4.’ You do the math.
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me: no you can’t wear your halloween costume to school today
my 7yo: if I were president it would be opposite — you wear a costume everyday except one day you wear normal clothes. That would be called Boring Day.
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As a reward for good grades my 9yo got to pick tonight’s restaurant so we are headed out for some fine dining at The 24 Hour Donut King.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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How ‘bout Amazon trucks that play music like ice cream trucks so my wife knows when to go running out to the curb.
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What did married couples do before smart phones? Did the husbands just miss out on seeing the 20 different choices for a new throw pillow?
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my sister-in-law: sometimes happiness is hard to find.
my 8yo, whispering to me: you should tell her the corner store has blue slurpees.
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my wife: you put more time and energy into our son’s little league team than you do our marriage.
me: well yeah our marriage doesn’t end in a championship tournament.
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I baked some cookies to bribe my 9yo to do his winter school project but now he’s eating the cookies while I do the project if you’re wondering who’s the mastermind around here.
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my 9yo, most of the year: what month are we in?
my 9yo, today: it’s Dec 17 and there’s 174 hours till Christmas Eve.
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If you’ve ever thought about becoming a concierge for people in super hero underwear, then parenting might be for you.
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Welcome to parenting, where the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
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When parents are sick, kids are all “oh you’re sick? Here’s a nerf bullet to the temple and could you bring me some grapes.”
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8yo: I wanna do something special for you on Father’s Day.
me: oh yea?
8yo: yea how about we take you to the water park and then get ice cream after?
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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Once when I was a kid my older brother kept whining about how he wanted nachos and not tacos. My dad finally had enough, leaned over the table, and with his big fist smashed my brother’s taco. “There ya go” he said. Best Cinco de Mayo ever.
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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Welcome to your 40s: you go to the doctor because your knee hurts and leave with a colonoscopy appointment.
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me: a dozen is 12, but a baker’s dozen is 13.
my 8yo: that makes sense because there’s a kid at my school named Baker who’s bad at counting.
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At the grocery store and dang it, forgot the list. But no worries just gonna follow this other dad around and get what he gets.
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Me: I’ve had this t-shirt since college
My 7yo: then shouldn’t it be in a museum?
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I’m a dad. My hobbies include managing remote control batteries and secretly drinking in the shed.
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I’m not saying it was his favorite thing about our vacation, but on the way out my 7yo gave our hotel’s vending machine a big hug and said “Bye Vendy, I’ll miss you so much.”
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Me: When I was your age, we got up off the couch to change the channel.
7yo: You can still do it that way if you want to Daddy.
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The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s when we’re trying to find her lost phone.
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6yo on our drive to school: Everyone dies. That guy will die and that lady over there will die. Someday all the people we see will be dead, right Daddy?
I think what he means is happy monday
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
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“Hold on fellas, gotta get my shoesies on” and other things I say that kill the guys night out vibe
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Me: how’s summer camp going?
my 7yo: Well I think our camp leader is trying really hard but he’s a little too nice which allows the kids to be kinda bad
Follow me for more of my 7yo’s job performance reviews
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My 7yo son had a slightly older girl over for a playdate and she talked a lot about her ‘enemy’ who’s actually her ‘worst best friend’ and although he was not prepared for that level of drama, I think his ‘let’s just play legos’ therapy worked like a charm.
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Going out on a weeknight, but it’s just me rolling the garbage bin to the curb with a beer.
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me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.
my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.
me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.
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8yo: I don’t think the Easter Bunny is real
me: oh?
8yo: yea, I’m pretty sure it’s just Santa Claus in a bunny suit
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single, leaves cabinet open: oops, must’ve left that open, guess I’ll just close it
married, leaves cabinet open: wife tweets about it and gets 40k likes
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In my 20s: someday I’ll change the world.
In my 40s: someday I’ll change my pants.
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marriage is fun you get to learn things like it’s possible to fold a towel inside out
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Had a bunch of summer projects lined up but instead I’ll just continually adjust my kid’s swim goggles.
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My 8yo wrote a thank you letter to his soccer coach, but misspelled it ‘crotch’. Anyway this is just a little reminder to thank your crotch today.
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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As a parent, it’s important to always bring your child’s jacket and water bottle wherever you go, ensuring that you’ll have a sufficient amount of extra shit to hold.
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me: how would you describe the shape of a football?
9yo: I would say that it’s a triangle that tried to become a ball but didn’t quite make it.
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Congratulations to my 7yo for his monumental accomplishment of cleaning up four Lego blocks.
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There are 118 known elements, most of which I just found in my 7yo’s pocket.
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8yo: daddy what does ‘kill two birds with one stone’ mean?
me: well, for mommy’s birthday this year I got her tickets to a concert that’s on valentine’s day.
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My 7yo said “These lights aren’t gonna turn themselves off everyone!” aaaand I think he just took over as the new dad of the house.
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Going away on a business trip and my 7yo is very sad because “there won’t be anyone to reach the high things,” if you’re wondering how important I am.
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Cable company told me an arrival time of 2 to 6pm, but what they really meant was that they’ll be sure to knock on the door when I’m mid-poop
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