https://t.co/2pyLnu6qeh

When I yell at my dog to stop barking, I wonder if he's thinking, "this is awesome, we're barking together!"

I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver… when my 3-year-old yelled, “Pick a lane, knucklehead!” while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart.

Did you know that “Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is “Dammit I'm Mad"

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

That awkward moment you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is, "act natural, you're innocent"

My spirit animal is that one bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

I helped my neighbour out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it.... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I dont like when I forget to say something during an argument. Like hey let's argue again, I got better material now.

"What are your dogs' names?" Me: "Calvin and Klein." "Isn't that a brand of underwear?" Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.

My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great." I replied: “No, you're great." She's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.

I like using big words that I don't fully understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

My body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, cursed and probably haunted.

A man asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He asked for one of those. I gave him my electric bill.

Principal: Your son is always causing problems at school. Dad: He causes problems at home too, but do I call you?

When l was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and l couldn't wait to grow up and go to bed anytime l wanted. Turns out that's 9pm.

I was on a flight with my 3 kids. When a lady asked "Are all those your kids?" I replied “No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints!!"

I'm so close to becoming a billionaire! I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.