Nayele18
@nayele18maybe
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Statuses
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Pinned Tweet
Sorry if I seem bitchy and standoffish, it's just that I'm bitchy and standoffish.
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Can’t decide if I should do laundry or fake my own death.
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How old were you when you discovered everything is bullshit?
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It's almost time to stop complaining about the cold weather and start complaining about the hot weather.
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Coworkers voted me person most likely to go out for lunch and never come back.
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A big fuck you to songs with police sirens when you're driving down the highway.
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Is there anything better than having the house to yourself? NO. THE ANSWER IS NO.
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When I die, I hope I'm remembered for my ability to sit and do nothing for hours at a time.
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Normalize asking people, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
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Just once, I’d like a Starbucks employee to write “Sexy Bitch” on my cup without having to tell them that’s my name.
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If you sneeze after the second “bless you,” you are on your fucking own.
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Sorry I yelled "UNSUBSCRIBE" while you were telling me a boring story.
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I thought adulthood would involve a lot less crying in fast food parking lots.
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So annoying when I’m trying to tweet and my kids are all, “I’m hungry,” or “I’m thirsty,” or “I’m bleeding.”
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Haven't been on twitter in a few years. Is it still pointless?
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I like to tell people how I'm really doing so they stop asking.
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I’m not emotionally equipped to handle crumbs in the butter.
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Someone asked me what I do for fun and I honestly do not understand the question.
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Any day that I have to make a phone call is the worst day of my life.
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Is it too late for the morning after pill if my daughter is twelve?
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Sorry I asked if you would be tailgating before the funeral procession.
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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Can’t decide if I should do laundry or fake my own death.
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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Do people who get up early and work out know about not getting up early and working out?
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A kid in my class asked if I was turning 25 today, so he’s getting straight A’s for the rest of the year.
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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Your secret is safe with me because I don’t fucking care.
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My 12-year-old tried to walk down the stairs wearing roller skates, and it was like watching the paternity test come back positive.
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Hobbies include reading and being pissed off at everyone.
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Almost time to move from the electrical outlet next to my couch to the electrical outlet next to my bed.
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Sunday is my favorite day to invent new things to worry about.
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Can’t decide if I’d rather go back to work after my lunch break or fake my own death and start a new life in a faraway land.
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I always think of myself as a polite person until I get stuck behind a slow walker.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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Nighttime beauty regimen? You mean shaking the crumbs out of my shirt before staggering into the bedroom?
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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There aren't enough rap songs about staying home and watching tv.
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the Jaws theme song.
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I could never be famous. I don’t even like being recognized in public by people I DO know.
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Ever meet someone so similar to yourself that you immediately hate them?
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Worrying about things beyond my control is where I really shine.
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A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress.
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Shook my remote control to make the batteries less dead again.
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One day I will start learning from my mistakes. Today is not that day. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.
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"Look, you sick son of a bitch" is how I begin most conversations.
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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There’s no problem a good laugh or double homicide won’t solve.
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Super excited about a brand new week of hanging on by a thread.
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Do people who go out and do stuff on the weekend know about couches?
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Clipped some coupons so I can put them in a drawer and throw them away after they expire.
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I wish April showers brought something more useful. Like tacos.
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How do you tell someone you hope they get hit by a bus, but in a super nice, non-offensive way?
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My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments.
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Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was putting my shirt on this morning, and I have to say, I totally deserved it.
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Sorry I blamed everything on you, but in my defense it was all your fault.
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Thought the waiter said my thighs were hot, but turns out he said fries and now it’s really awkward and I can never eat here again.
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My emergency preparedness kit just contains all the ingredients necessary to make tacos.
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I always laugh at myself when I do something silly, like put milk back in the cupboard instead of the fridge or waste the last 15 years.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from.
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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*2 days later* Sorry, just saw your text. Are you still stranded on the side of the road?
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why.
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Me: This is going to be fun!
[5 minutes later]: I hate this
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Be the reason your family doesn’t hold reunions anymore.
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I'm worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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One of my greatest strengths is appearing to be busy so people don’t speak to me.
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People who knock on a restroom door, then immediately attempt to open it, are the same ones who ate paste in elementary school.
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Hate it when I flip my pillow over to the cool side and accidentally knock over my nightstand spaghetti and meatballs.
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