Cameras on phones have robbed us of the art form known as "Using up the roll of film by taking a picture of Dad in the lounge."

Come for a Walk With Me - Part 4 https://t.co/xOGgKUveim

Jeremy Corbyn calls Zarah Sultana

Why guess when you can know?

When someone announces the birth of their child, I just think of all the times they'll be picking crayons off the floor in restaurants.

Disappointed that I've got this far in my life and not smashed a framed portrait over a person so that when their head pokes through it looks like their body. As a boy I was led to believe this would happen at least once a week.

Yesterday I opened a window to free a spider and two crane flies flew in, so I've booked into a Travelodge until this blows over.

[my murder trial] me: he said ‘staycation’ to describe a holiday in the uk your honour judge: you're free to go me: [fist-bumps jury on the way out]

For the first time ever I went live last night. Seemed to go well. Might do it again next Thursday. https://t.co/pQNfhzdY6Y

I’d be all for sleeping my way to the top if it meant just sleeping.

Come for a Walk With Me - Part 3. https://t.co/UvqdUy8z1l

Fun Tip: Pretend you’re at a hotel buffet every morning by holding your plate while you’re waiting for your toast.

On the eve of the budget, a quick reminder of the economic illiteracy behind some of this government's decisions, made without any assessment of impact. This is satire, and still does not capture the true absurdity of the situation. Thanks to @MrMichaelSpicer

My phone vibrated in my coat pocket earlier and I excitedly scrambled it out because who knows this could be a call that changes my life and I found that it was an alarm I had set myself to do the laundry.

confused my memory stick with my vape and inhaled my unfinished novel

After washing up I like to pull off my rubber gloves angrily like I'm a chief heart surgeon who just lost a patient on the table.

Hello. A film I'm in needs a few extra bob for the post-production. It's very, very unusual. But great. Thank you. https://t.co/6OqEBQLupf

Nigel Farage said Nathan Gill was 'hard-working, honest and loyal' but in his defence he didn't say who to.

Nathan Gill was a 'bad apple' says Head Bad Apple of the Bad Apple Party.

Timothée Chalamet will never know the satisfaction of perfectly placing a sticky label on a VHS tape. So I've got that over him.

come for a walk with me (in the snow this time) https://t.co/LsX7SdOgQm