Mary Kobayashi
@MaryKoCo
Followers
22,305
Following
1,828
Media
899
Statuses
38,785
Formerly 1/4 of The Perfect Women on @adultswim 🍟 Currently 1/2 Japanese 🇯🇵 on Bluesky
Joined November 2010
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#นาฏราชครั้งที่15
• 628343 Tweets
#母の日
• 360609 Tweets
Mothers Day
• 266777 Tweets
WIN AT NATARAJA AWARDS
• 193783 Tweets
#ซีนุนิวที่งานนาฏราช
• 140738 Tweets
Moms
• 140123 Tweets
テンハッピーローズ
• 113849 Tweets
Mães
• 109527 Tweets
#光る君へ
• 87112 Tweets
#山下美月卒業コンサート
• 61357 Tweets
カーネーション
• 57720 Tweets
Cibeles
• 51979 Tweets
#やまラスト
• 46127 Tweets
DONBELLE BOX OFFICE LEGACY
• 46008 Tweets
新ビジュ
• 39849 Tweets
Marc
• 37760 Tweets
#CSKvsRR
• 29962 Tweets
#PVL2024
• 21950 Tweets
#光る君ヘ
• 17930 Tweets
SWEET TALK WITH BIU
• 16735 Tweets
GENCelebrate Music With BINI
• 16408 Tweets
#アンチヒーロー
• 15997 Tweets
清少納言
• 13658 Tweets
#行列のできる相談所
• 12645 Tweets
Girls actually text each other like, "I’m meeting a guy allegedly named Brian here📍If he murders me here’s his Bumble pic so he can be brought to justice" and then the reply's like, "You got it girl - have fun tonight! 😘😜"
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I like how the most essential part of a surprise party is gaslighting the person into believing you don't care about them
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If you somehow got the Wordle in two, I just want you to know that no one is happy for you.
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*reads a 140 character tweet*
*reads a 140 character tweet*
*eyes skim over a 280 character tweet w/o focusing*
*reads a 140 character tweet
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I wish you could “like” someone’s typing bubbles. Would be so psycho
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If I see a photo that says “This is Grimes” I just have to be like ok i trust u
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Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.
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I don't have anything in common with a person who doesn't turn into a complete monster once a bowl of chips and salsa is put in front of them
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I'd seriously be happy if the one line in my obituary was, 'Here lies Mary, she made it illegal for honking car horns to be in radio commercials."
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
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"Nearly half the weight of an adult kangaroo" a figure we can all understand
A wild and ailing sheep found in a forest in Australia, named Baarack by rescuers, has yielded a fleece weighing more than 35 kilograms - nearly half the weight of an adult kangaroo - after being shorn for the first time in years
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When you put too much out there emotionally then pretend like it never happened
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Woman during oral: Just like that
Man hearing this: Better change the rate, intensity, and hell, maybe even the location of what i'm doing
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10 hours sleep: everything fine
9 hrs: good
8 hrs: (no data)
7 hrs: lil edgy
6 hrs: call friend on phone
5 hrs: cry @ Subaru commercial
4 hrs: no
3 hrs: YouTube search "Subaru commercial"
2 hrs: someone misheard you? they should be in jail
1 hr: google "echidna," "echidna diet"
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Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
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The President of the United States has me blocked on Twitter.
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Without naming your favorite movie, what is your debit card number?
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Me 5 minutes from home: "I'll respond to those emails and floss my teeth"
Me home: "Fuck anything besides sleeping"
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love websites that are like
Select one:
Yes
No, I am a dumbass idiot who does not like amazing savings
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Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
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Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go
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I once borrowed a friend's DVDs for so long the technology became obsolete
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I just had an abortion during one of Ted Cruz's dramatic pauses
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If your twitter handle is "Miss" followed by your full name, you have HPV
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I've driven lots of my friends to get abortions. Not like, in my car (I'm pretty busy) but like, DROVE them to make that decision using manipulation and lies.
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@mchooyah
@WashTimes
Going to reply here too so it doesn't get pushed down: My dad is also from Butte, Montana, also a vet. You're locally known as a complete asshat. You've commit an extreme military faux pas by taking credit for killing Osama Bin Laden, the combined effort of many people and teams.
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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The FBI search is just the first of many hauntings, shouldn't have buried her in the golf course dude
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If you then you don’t
don’t love deserve
me at my me at my
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Almost crashed crossing four lanes of traffic bc Hotel California came on the radio and I had to change the channel
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Hey
@SpeakerRyan
your office voicemail's been deactivated for a week. You're Speaker of the House. This is totally unacceptable
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If Twitter goes to 280 characters, someone should make a website like Twitter but with 140 characters
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Jesus Christ, you'd think the American home of gambling would be a little quicker at counting, hurry up Nevada
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“Our civilization is being sacrificed for the opportunity of a very small number of people to continue making enormous amounts of money”
'You are not mature enough to tell it like it is.' — Watch this 15-year-old's searing callout of nearly 200 countries for their lack of action on climate change
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I like when dogs choose to do that really dramatic sigh. It's like, you're fine.
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My dying words will be, "No, I haven't seen that. Is it good?"
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Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"
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I like how anyone (at best) right now is still on the verge of a complete mental breakdown
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Going viral is fun because you’ll be like, “I don't like cheese” and a math teacher from Missouri will be like “Go fuck yourself”
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I'm half-Japanese half-Irish if you try to kiss me today I'll do karate on you
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This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
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Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
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Just saw a news scroll “What’s next for Sarah Sanders?” as if anyone on earth cares abt that
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If u can't take the heat, I'll go ahead and turn it down a little bit. Is that better? Love you so much
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I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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Sick of seeing ads for bras on Twitter. I already have a bra. I got it 13 years ago and I'll die in it.
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*googles* Why do cats love cardboard boxes?
Google: Hmm good question. Speaking of, what is your current location
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The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
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Your cat has a really cool personality I love how it looks scared and silent all the time
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I wouldn't want DJ Khaled to yell his name into my p*ssy anyway
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*you get a notification i've faved two of your tweets*
eight minutes go by
*you get a notification i've faved a third, older tweet*
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My grandma tried to give me heartfelt life advice. How many Instagram followers you got grandma that's right zero get lost
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Hi, I'm a regular person with a private Instagram. Long story short, I'm a nightmare
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A radio ad just told me to "celebrate Memorial Day all month long!" YEAH!!! Time to get my respectful mourn on for longer than i planned 😎🌴
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I don’t wanna “remove dark circles” under my eyes. I want you to know how tired I am
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My house can go from magazine shoot spotless to mental illness filthy in honestly three hours
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secret dot com is a website for fucking deodorant. what a goddamn waste
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Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
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Hey people who use alcohol to combat social anxiety, don't forget to not turn into an alcoholic
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
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That'd be funny if when the beast gave Belle her library she was like, "Omg I love my libary" and pronounced it like that
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My cousin’s girlfriend has started posting pics of lingerie on Instagram. Um, sorry, i don’t wanna think about my cousin having sex with anyone else but me
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Hey, I see you created a joint facebook account with your spouse. Everything ok?
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Why do I reply to dumbasses? Because I myself, happen to be a dumbass
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Wearing a mask has really made me notice how much I breathe. Too much!
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I have a strong feeling this 19 year old McDonald's employee is going to ask me out and a stronger feeling we won't make it past four months
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Congratulations to my hair for being both greasy and dry at the same time, defying all expectations
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I always wear a hair-tie around my wrist just in case I need to have a dark pink line there later
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EDITED: # of unread emails
1,001-50,000: normal, sane person
101-1,000: productive
11-100: abusing adderall
0-10: American Psycho
# of unread emails
0-10: normal, sane person
11-100: still ok but check soon
101-1,000: jesus unsubscribe from some stuff
1,001-50,000: you lazy piece of shit face your demons / you died
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Once a guy brought wine + a big wheel of cheese to my place for a date, then later said, “Wow, I can’t believe how much cheese you ate.” Yeah there were two of us, so I ate half the wheel. Suck at math much
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It is absolutely wild that this statement was made. Free defense for a mass murderer from a fucking captain, no way the jury for his eventual trial won't see this. Shame on Captain Jay Baker.
Captain Jay Baker with Cherokee Country Sheriff's Office said: "The suspect did take responsibility for the shootings. He said that early on, once we began the interviews with him. He claims that it was not racially motivated."
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Maybe instead of trying to cancel good people, you can vote out the guy who said “Kung Flu” in November
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Crazy that Zac and Nora Ephron (siblings) were both so successful in different things. good for them
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The shit I accidentally say out loud is so lame. I’ll be alone in my car like “I think I’m allergic to walnuts” who gives a fuck
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Pre-November reminder that now is an excellent time to eat and buy local. These companies donate to Trump:
In-N-Out
Chick fil-A
Taco Bell
McDonald’s
Wendy’s
KFC
Pizza Hut
Olive Garden
Waffle House
IHOP
Carl’s Jr.
Estee Lauder
CVS :(
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Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
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No YOU sat in your parked car long enough that you accidentally started masturbating
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Teenagers shouldn't be allowed to hit on me just because i'm short
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I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
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Saw a MAGA sticker on a Toyota Corolla. If you're a patriot, can I trouble you to buy American next time? American cars are just as good as cars from any other country, and you're putting money directly into the pockets of the Japanese (the same people who invented coronavirus).
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What u guys doin' 😎 *puts on sunglasses* *they fall off* *I trip and step on them* *I cry for a very long time, but not just about this*
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I hit my productivity wall every day at 2. Not 2pm, two things
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What's your favorite planet *cuts you off* mine's Jupiter
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