LOS ANGELES!
Next Saturday and Sunday (May 4th and 5th) some of my favorite comedians will be playing some of the worst games of all time LIVE for the
@NetflixIsAJoke
festival.
Two days of shows. Both shows will have different games and different comedians. GO!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
In "The Batman," they said Bruce Wayne's parents were murdered in October of 2001. Meaning if you go by release dates, it's possible they were leaving a screening of Zoolander when it happened
At JFK. Guy behind the counter asks for a volunteer to give up a seat for $500. Nothing. "$550." The crowd suddenly coalesces to shout "HIGHER!" like it was a game show. "$750" "HIGHER! "800!" "NOT IN NEW YORK! GO HIGHER!" They applauded the elderly woman who took it at $1100.
“But how should *I* feel if I’ve already paid off my student loan debt?”
I dunno, maybe feel good that things will be easier for everyone after you? Are you also mad that you spent $3000 on a Gateway computer in 1998 and now everything is cheaper and faster? Grow the fuck up
I can’t believe Elon Musk failed to deliver on a giant promise. Absolutely stunned by this development that has happened literally every time he’s promised something
“TV is too woke now!” Sir, we grew up with a television show where a racially diverse group of kids summon a man with green hair to fight climate change
Twitter is like,
“Hey, guys. After 15 years of effort I’m finally releasing my life’s work. I’m so proud of it and hope you like it”
✨4 likes, 3 retweets✨
“Good thing manatees are in water cuz they look like they’d have a smelly ass”
✨124,729 likes, 78,987 retweets✨
The primary rule of Twitter is that if you ask a sincere question, you will only get joke responses and if you make a joke, you will only get deathly serious responses
Depression isn’t a form of sadness. It’s not something that goes away if you just think about how good you have it or how successful you are. You can’t positivity it away. It lies to you about yourself and eats you from the inside and tells you that you alone make things worse.
“Keep politics out of music” is a fun way to say, “I want to benefit from your experiences without having to consider the tragedy behind how you got them.”
Remember when we used to be mad that social media was mostly photos of people’s meals, and now when we see photos of people’s meals on social media we’re like, “Oh my god. Thank you so much for this brief respite from the unending nightmare.”
#IndianaJones
and the Great Circle is an all-new adventure game that features a mix of combat, stealth, puzzles, gunplay, and of course...Indy's whip! Use it for traversal, as a distraction, or taking out enemies.
You aren't just playing as Indiana Jones, you ARE Indiana Jones.
Got my brother a full-sized inflatable T-Rex costume and he asked, “What am I going to do with this?” And it’s like, dress as a fucking T-Rex and stomp around. The lack of fucking vision in this family.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) during gun violence hearing:
“Every time there’s a shooting, we play this ridiculous theater … Democrats propose taking away guns from law-abiding citizens … it makes it worse.”
ME THROUGHOUT THE WEEK: “Can’t fucking wait for therapy. Can’t wait to tell my therapist how bad I feel. Everything is fucking awful I just hate being alive fuck”
THERAPIST AT SESSION: “How have you been?”
ME AT SESSION: “Pretty good, you know. Doing my best. You?”
A 10-day UPS strike would cost the economy more than $7 billion and be the costliest work stoppage in at least a century, according to a new study by Anderson Economic Group, which researches labor disruptions.
@benshapiro
Ben, usually I'd joke, but I'm going to come at this honestly. There's a big difference between zip ties being carried by paramilitary forces invading the capitol and zip ties being carried by your wife so she can tie you to a chair and make you watch her have sex with other men.
The funniest thing isn’t us casually dunking on Kid Rock, it’s the fact that right now a SEAL Team Six of teenage Taylor Swift fans are in his mentions and will never stop until he is destroyed
Pretty weird that Republicans bring up 1984 every fucking second and then make laws requiring communities to report on each other if they notice anything the state doesn’t approve
Crowds also booed Herbert Hoover at the World Series in 1931 because of the Great Depression. Baseball fans booing fuck up presidents is as American as it gets.
Comedians will tweet shit like, “The role of the comedian is to bring light into the darkness of all the terrors, tragedies, and fears we all share” and then you see them on stage and they’re like, “Married ass smells different than single ass!”
Dune: “People use space drugs to travel through space and gain super powers”
Me: “Alright”
Dune: “Space drugs are only on a dirt planet with giant worms and also the new space messiah”
Me: “Pretty reasonable”
Dune: “There’s a character named Duncan Idaho”
Me: “okay hold on
Teach your kids about capitalism by making them clean the bathroom
Then, pay them 10 dollars
Then, take 11 of those dollars for rent, 20 more for an unforeseen medical expense, 10 more for student loan payments, and then blame them for not working hard enough
Guys, stop with the conspiracies. All that happened was an extremely rich man who had proof that dozens of extremely powerful people were pedophiles committed suicide by himself while being on suicide watch with no footage whatsoever
Jacob Wohl trying to scam Robert Mueller is like the scene in the first 10 minutes of every Terminator film where a guy punches the robot and breaks his hand
CNN: "Elizabeth Warren, do you hate Bernie Sanders?"
ELIZABETH WARREN: "No, in fact, we agree on many-"
CNN: "Okay, shut up. Um, Bernie, do you hate Hickenlooper?"
BERNIE: "Not really, but we disagree on the policy of-"
CNN: "Don't care - ok um, who else uh: Beto, do you hate
Anyway, remember like a week ago when some rich dork posted a meme that the right had stayed the same but the left had now moved too far away? Great times, great times
People confused about Pete Davidson are like, “I don’t understand how this funny successful movie star that charmingly doesn’t care what people think pulls in so many women”
“How would you feel if you paid off your student loan debt and then everyone else’s was forgiven?”
I dunno, man. Fucking fine? I was lucky enough to pay off my loans after 12 years - doesn’t mean I want other people to go through that shitty process, you fucking ghouls.
This shit is more embarrassing than when me and my high school friends dressed up as knights and wizards in the woods because at least we knew it was pretend
Jonathan Glazer made a movie about a man who builds his own professional success on his ability to ignore the suffering of the Jews around him.
The man is immune to irony.
Whenever you criticize a person who just died, you always get the response, "How would you feel if someone was happy *you* died?" Which, I dunno. I'd be dead. But also, if thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people are happy I died, it possibly means I did fucked up shit.
It's easy to be cynical, but there's nothing more inspiring than someone being born with only hundreds of millions of dollars and working their way up to billions of dollars.
I like that the three working theories for why Twitter broke are:
1.) Twitter is DDoSing itself because Elon is an idiot.
2.) Twitter is losing servers after the company ignored bills because Elon is an idiot.
3.) Twitter hopes to force people to pay because Elon is an idiot.
NINTENDO: Nintendo Labo is for kids and those that like kid stuff!
ADULT GAMER: Okay, but what if I don't want it?
NINTENDO: Totally fine. It's for kids.
ADULT GAMER: Yes, but cardboard? Really? Not in my game room!
NINTENDO: It's for kids.
ADULT GAMER: But how is it for me?
DOCTOR: “I’m sorry. You have cancer.”
DORK: “No I don’t. Debate me!”
DOCTOR: “I understand if you want a second opinion. In fact, I encourage it.”
DORK: “Sounds like you won’t debate the issue because you know you’re wrong.”
DOCTOR: “I’d love to be wrong.”
DORK: “Then debate me!”
Me: “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed”
Friend: “What was that?”
Me: “That was Smash Mouth”
Friend: “Who?”
Me: “The band Smash Mouth”
Friend: “That band doesn’t exist”
Me: 🤭💡
Narrator: “Universal Pictures presents”
DPS chief Steven McGraw: “We haven’t gotten into the why [motive]. We know the individual was also into cyber gaming in that regard, and group gaming.”
ELON PLAN A: “If you pay $8, people are forced to see your racist replies first.”
ELON PLAN B: “Since normal humans keep blocking people who pay $8, you may now hide your check when posting racist replies.”
ELON PLAN C: “Nobody can be blocked unless they say where my plane is”
Bernie Sanders: "Healthcare is a human right"
Elizabeth Warren: "We must end the imprisonment of children at the border"
John Delaney: "You guys - it's cheaper if we *bring* food to Disney World rather than *buy* food at Disney World"
Republicans will get mad if you blame a shooting on guns but then be like “A Singaporean freighter lost power and hit a bridge in Baltimore… This is what happens when Mexico exists”
Bernie: We need to dismantle a broken system
Warren: We need to fix a broken system
Biden: WHOEVER WINS THE SKI RACE DOWN DANGER MOUNTAIN GETS TO BE PRESIDENT